tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65673693783567050632024-03-18T17:56:52.004-07:00the late phoenixTHE LATE PHOENIX: I WANTED TO BE FAMOUS. INSTEAD, I HAVE THIS BLOG.the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.comBlogger1995125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-3059997551412155832024-03-18T10:16:00.000-07:002024-03-18T17:56:19.550-07:00BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: GENTLEMAN'S B<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh66xeJnn3eanjsKFZBUHMdTf6ueHwx542_TBPg4IuY4f3OVYU4_clM4vYTSCESCs96VI7H2RXF4TPV_74EdP8QDPthMbK9Ew71MbfWu-SZvNtiAAUccwsUpt-iGgWyJhR4wKEuphqkT6C5QjLAVyvr5yBYfgaJFaQHlRrbAzabU3GNrtfF71Yi-0ISFco/s736/414e6afb732c66334d1f227c520e708e--recipes-for-dramas.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="538" data-original-width="736" height="293" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh66xeJnn3eanjsKFZBUHMdTf6ueHwx542_TBPg4IuY4f3OVYU4_clM4vYTSCESCs96VI7H2RXF4TPV_74EdP8QDPthMbK9Ew71MbfWu-SZvNtiAAUccwsUpt-iGgWyJhR4wKEuphqkT6C5QjLAVyvr5yBYfgaJFaQHlRrbAzabU3GNrtfF71Yi-0ISFco/w400-h293/414e6afb732c66334d1f227c520e708e--recipes-for-dramas.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIxuFGEJXLVbnzBKV-zd08Xt10nwDJ3-jqV6S_ytSGIxYh_xLnKsha_5wk-ZNnK_tkIJl_n6XyyX83B1ZpJoeIJC25i8pKcHipop_WdhtVKBX51uuZvC29RHHIMzvg7_gZ6zXREbVXgJGwfXeljCM0QH3Glr4iNEFwRa0VkKt8J1vvi61lPYEfh_jDdic/s720/859.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="539" data-original-width="720" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjIxuFGEJXLVbnzBKV-zd08Xt10nwDJ3-jqV6S_ytSGIxYh_xLnKsha_5wk-ZNnK_tkIJl_n6XyyX83B1ZpJoeIJC25i8pKcHipop_WdhtVKBX51uuZvC29RHHIMzvg7_gZ6zXREbVXgJGwfXeljCM0QH3Glr4iNEFwRa0VkKt8J1vvi61lPYEfh_jDdic/w400-h300/859.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P and i are summoned to the teacher's office. on stage. my instructor William Shakespeare wants to discuss how i'm doing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">William Shakespeare: i mean you're never here. you're never at class. you're always tardy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: is tardiness still a thing in college? i mean do you use the word <i>tardy </i>to describe being late in college?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: the redness in my face is not because i just donated blood at that bank in the back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Peyton Manning: ...</div>Shakespeare: i use any occasion to use all the words. where are you at all times?<div>me: lost in my head.</div><div>Shakespeare: speaking of, i'm feeling uninspired of late. woe is me. </div><div>EZ Taylor: if you thought more like <i>whoa is me</i> you'd see how righteous life is.</div><div>Shakespeare: you see i recently became a first-time father and i'm having trouble with the pampers. changing a nappy is hard. see in all my plays i never once wrote a character who changed diapers.</div><div>Jen P: that should have been your play PhD thesis.</div><div>me: i have one better, i'm thinking of a play concept that chronicles my relationship with Jen. the OTHER Jen.</div><div>Jen P: thanks.</div><div><br /></div><div>me: my thing involves a brand new way of looking at and designing stage architecture. have you ever had a Zoom call up here on this stage?</div><div>Shakespeare: can't say that i have, how would that work?</div><div>me: it'd be like in the '80s when the parochial teacher would wheel in that TV on top of a cabinet stand and the 3rd Grade student kids would be paste-faced realizing they are unexpectedly watching television AT SCHOOL!!!</div><div>Shakespeare: speaking of, i am at a loss, my new baby with Juliet Anglin Aldershot simply will not eat, he's a very fussy eater, i don't know what to feed him. our Will Junior is too choosy. </div><div>Jen P: okay no Jif then.</div><div>Shakespeare: i'm going back in my archives to see if that<i> Storybook International</i> episode "Secret Soup" will provide any answers. i've asked around all over town, all the stallholders, what exactly do you feed a child that age?</div><div>me: i got it. but surely if i revolutionize a new concept in stagecraft i can pass this class.</div><div>Shakespeare: i'll give you a Gentleman's B.</div><div>Dirg: gentlemen's blowjob? in college? there's no way. in the frats? i don't believe it.</div><div>Shakespeare: for i and we are gentlemen first and foremost.</div><div><br /></div><div>on one of the Zoom screens onstage plays <i>Raising Miranda</i>.</div><div>Royana Black: i look like Maddie from <i>The Suite Life of Zack & Cody</i>.</div><div>Jackie Fitzgerald: i know that blonde girl...</div><div>Royana: speaking of, i wish my mom had gone to London rather than Phoenix...</div><div>Roy Paranzuela: i wish my dad hadn't joined the military...</div><div>Royana: why is our front door the same as the <i>Married with Children</i> front door?...</div><div><br /></div><div>Tanya Donelly: my mother accidentally dropped me out the open belly panel of a cargo plane while we were flying over the Congo. </div><div>Baloo from <i>TaleSpin</i>: that was NOT one of my planes, i check the door bolts unlike Boeing!!! my planes are incapable of making water landings...</div><div>Tanya: i didn't cry about it, i simply became the Tree of Life. my unexpected childhood in the Congo was a cool one, i grew into a good self-sufficient person. in my moody broody teen years i reseeded to Portland/Seattle and formed the band Belly to cope with my pain. i was getting skinny even for a girl, i needed to eat again.</div><div>Pati Jinich: i found you 17-years-old shivering in swaddling clothes by my doorstep. i fed you Mexican pancakes and Mexican waffles. i became your new madre.</div><div>Tanya: all that doughy food was good. you know you really are BACK, Pati, if you're still cooking food like THAT. i'm glad PBS took you back...</div><div>Pati: it's what i've always tried to instill in my children, you and my son Michael Weiss who plays high-school soccer. it's not about how popular you are. one year you have the #1 show, the next year you're unceremoniously taken off the Comcast schedule. instead of getting LIKES from strangers on Instagram, learn to TALK to strangers more, actually TEXT with strangers more...</div><div><br /></div><div>Pati Jinich: it's St. Pati's Day, you fucking PBS perras.</div><div>Arthur: we got you your old job back at PBS with interest, you're paid more than the men and the armadillos now. </div><div>Pati Jinich: yeah but i gotta do a documentary on the history of Jalisco with Ken Burns.</div><div>Ken Burns: Pati, are you willing to give up 5 years of your life never seeing your sons and your husband to go out and travel to do this documentary with me?</div><div>Pati: chingo!!!</div><div><br /></div><div>Mary Tyler Moore: my secret? Splenda...</div><div><br /></div><div>Boc: it's just so weird to see a big burly manly monster truck like that be so nice to me, WAIT FIVE MINUTES on the corner as i LEISURELY cross the street. you know what else is weird? jogging the Safeway parking lot at 7:30AM in the morning, i'd never do that.</div><div><br /></div><div>Greykid: hey, remove the crusty schmutz from my eye like a Jewish grandfather. cats get eye schmutz, too...</div><div><br /></div><div>Minster: i live in a mantion...</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Eraserhead</i>: seems like Cronenberg but is Lynch...</div><div><br /></div><div>Lance Lear: the Tour de France is WAY more interesting than the French Open...</div><div><br /></div><div>Emma Raducanu: i like my balls the same size in every world city...</div><div><br /></div><div>Michael Weiss: on Instagram, is there any way to talk to people in a NORMAL way?...</div><div><br /></div><div>Michael Weiss: i'm on Instagram just to secure a wife...</div><div>Julia Ioffe: ...</div><div><br /></div><div>Ameci Pizza opposite St. Cyril's in Encino: that's LAist, not laziest, Los Angeles denizens aren't lazy, we make Air Jordans...</div><div>Monsignor Navin: the L.A. laity is a fucking bug up my hairy ass. </div><div><br /></div><div>Nick Kyrgios: i've always wanted to be a guest on <i>Between Two Ferns</i>.</div><div>Zach Galifianakis: i banned you for life. you're too weird for me.</div><div>Nick Kyrgios: so i guess i'll just HOST my OWN <i>Between Two Ferns</i>...</div><div><br /></div><div>Mark Sanford: at the end of the day, life isn't about your job, life is about finding your soulmate...</div><div><br /></div><div>Claire Nielson: ironically, none of the Medieval meals on <i>Storybook International</i> was a Waldorf salad...</div><div><br /></div><div>Google Search: are you feeling lucky?.........on St. Patrick's Day?...</div><div>Julie from Lucky: did you see me wearing a green apron today?...</div><div><br /></div><div>Don from Don's Plum: giant BIG-ASS satchel-bag of MLB-baseball-game pistachios on the half-shell just PLOP right on top of our last-ever newspaper kiosk...</div><div><br /></div><div>Daniel Dae Kim: what a gorgeous beast!!!</div><div>Mardith, blushing: why thank you.</div><div>Daniel Dae Kim: no i was referring to your Golden Retriever on Instagram...</div><div><br /></div><div><i>Alice</i>: the vibe of this '70s TV show is the back alley behind Pic-N-Save...</div><div><br /></div><div>Kakashi is feeding his baby baby food. his baby and Kakashi are in a highchair.</div><div>Suzy Lu: KAWAII!!! that is ADORABLE. this is like that scene from <i>Invincible</i>...</div><div>Kakashi: our son won't eat the strained peas...</div><div>Suzy Lu: remove your mask, babe, and SHOW our son HOW to eat strained peas...</div><div>Naruto: your baby boy will STRAIN his whole life to master chakra...</div><div><br /></div><div>Greykid: cat tax? i don't want your dirty money, i don't want your filthy coins for Lent, what i want is your love...</div><div><br /></div><div>Elon Musk: you may hate my guts but i'm gonna be the man who finally cures cancer.........i mean think about that...</div><div><br /></div><div>Julie from Lucky: yes, i was on <i>Storybook International</i>...</div><div><br /></div><div>Michael Weiss as an Instagram minder: i mean these nude pics clearly violate Instagram's policy.........but she's hot, you know?...</div><div><br /></div><div>Spike Lee: so if i'm NEVER gonna win an Oscar, can i AT LEAST see a 3rd Knicks NBA Championship title run in my lifetime?.........3 is a lucky St. Paddy's Day New York number...</div><div><br /></div><div>i'm directing traffic on stage. i push Jen R all around the stage's four corners by her antique-sale pink grandma sweater.</div><div>me: okay Jen i'm gonna need you to move over HERE on THIS mark.</div><div>Jen R: masking tape marks the X spot!!!</div><div>me: yeah so the play is about our burgeoning relationship and how it solidified magically within 3 weeks. i talk to Jen here with my face on the Zoom screen and then Jen's face comes on the Zoom screen like our real relationship is. we both text each other back and forth like this. and this is my one big line:</div><div><i>me:</i> <i>Jen, since you're in Baltimore and i'm in Berkeley, is there any way for us to get married TODAY on Zoom?...</i></div><div><br /></div><div>Jen P: all this discussing of having babies in this play, those used to be OUR babies. in real life.</div><div>me: i know, sorry.</div><div>Jen P: you hurt me.</div><div>me: i'm sorry.</div><div>Jen P: no i mean when did you learn to cook?!!! when did you become this high-class Jacques Pepin boat chef?!!! when we were together you could barely string together a hot dog.</div><div>me: Jen inspires me. the OTHER Jen.</div><div>Jen P: thanks. </div><div>me: Jen inspires me to pick up the giant wooden soup spoon.</div><div>Jen P: well at least you're safe for now, you've promised to cook Shakespeare unlimited food.</div><div>me: it's true what they say: in college, DoorDash is your friend...</div><div>me: i KNOW what to feed your finicky baby boy, Shakespeare!!!</div><div>Shakespeare: pray tell, old squire.</div><div>me: one word: CHEETOS. i learnt that from Suzy Lu.</div><div>Shakespeare: methinks we have a soothsayer in our midst. let me check your hands for orange witch powder...</div><div> </div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-90456479713753816312024-03-15T10:45:00.000-07:002024-03-15T21:11:09.268-07:00ONCE: VACUUM-CLEANER OF LOVE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a 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href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SOnsamJTykmBu66waVgNwf93GKojR0rdTYskjqUDpEYzCRrfdx8VDYtgglMaabpS9g9woCgc8c_ghHZCiTCUMmSuHQBSOidjdKGlQtiEhIUICxIoSNQwTHqCCWctSTiB00nIxT3djBVUTYCC6FJaTTqcljMGqSlpK-AAnJfOsKdZYws-s_l-ZpSMYGk/s1067/21_Mountjoy_Square_East,_setting_for_Once_(2017).jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1067" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SOnsamJTykmBu66waVgNwf93GKojR0rdTYskjqUDpEYzCRrfdx8VDYtgglMaabpS9g9woCgc8c_ghHZCiTCUMmSuHQBSOidjdKGlQtiEhIUICxIoSNQwTHqCCWctSTiB00nIxT3djBVUTYCC6FJaTTqcljMGqSlpK-AAnJfOsKdZYws-s_l-ZpSMYGk/w300-h400/21_Mountjoy_Square_East,_setting_for_Once_(2017).jpg" width="300" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are in Dublin, Ireland at a pub.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data from <i>Star Trek: TNG</i>: i am persona non grata here for some reason. i'm just here for the gratin CHEESE, folks!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: how did it feel to play that Bob Wheeler <i>Night Court </i>character again?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data: i felt like Robert Clampitt. i haven't evinced a Southern accent for any reason in 30 years...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what's the most Irish dish you can think of?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: spaghetti of course.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: right. this place cooks the spaghetti in a Dutch oven!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: that's your two favorite things combined!!! that's too much joy for you!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what's your favorite drink at an Irish pub?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: wow straight to the drunk angle, aye? why it's Mocha Mix of course.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you know the Mocha Mix cocktail here is so good because the Tantric Milk has been reincarnated in an Irish Catholic church on a grassy green hill.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you can taste the <i>Ballykissangel </i>in<i> </i>this Mocha Milk cocktail, has that Guinness aftertatste...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: the Happy Meal toy is a bar of Irish Spring soap.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's nice of them to allow me to use the pub shower in the back. i'm glad we're here. i'm here for the bar food and vinyl music and of course all the Bjork. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bjork: is this where the Burger King sauna is?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: as long as i can text you everyday, i'm stable, i'm calm, i'm cool, i'm gold like a lioness.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: okay but like the heroine of this film i too have to take a few days off to care for my young daughter...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa Irglova: are you my mommy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bjork: yes you look like me if i had had the time to be an actress...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Lien in <i>Phenom</i>: they named me Roanne because this show came on after<i> Roseanne</i> Tuesday nights...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Lien in <i>Phenom</i>: i left <i>Star Trek</i> for this?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">BK TeeVee.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shaft: no jive, 1993, the last year you will EVER be able to get the French Chicken Sandwich at Burger King...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Angela in <i>Phenom</i>: tennis is my shelter from the storm...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Lien: a lot of electric storms on <i>Star Trek: Voyager</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the <i>Saturday Night Live</i> stage Carlos Alcaraz and Zverev are in bee costumes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Belushi: can i help you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carlos Alcaraz: what.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zverev: what.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Belushi: *raises eyebrow*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carlos Alcaraz: what we do now, we make people laugh?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Belushi: it's WAY harder than playing tennis. i was an Olympian you know...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spider-Man holding a tiny spider-sized camera along a string: the better question is when do <b>I</b> become a bee?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lume: home of gilfs...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alan Watts: on a clear day.........you can see a clear day...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Realtor.com: finally we admit it!!! it's not about fires and floods, it's about NOISE POLLUTION!!! we track noise pollution hotspots, the map is COMPLETELY COVERED in green...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen Carfagno: when there isn't a second map, you know it's gonna be a good sunny windless power-filled day...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: street-racing is my shelter from the storm...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kensington Palace: social media made us put up barbed-wire...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: i haven't blown my nose in forever...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: an influencer with 3 photos on his Instagram?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">MoGo: one visit, that's the cost of one iPhone....</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: when i JUMP RIGHT AS the car's about to make a right turn at the corner, i'm doing this for US, you know? i'm doing this for YOU. all the bicycle riders out there, all the sidewalk-walkers, this is OUR right of way, don't let the bully cars win...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario blowing his nose into a wrench handkerchief: i crying. tears of hayfever from green alive vines with red faces. and happiness. you make me so proud, my son Boc, you make papa proud, you jump higher than me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: the ingredients aren't gonna be needed until they are kneaded. i'm making donut holes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: i make my sweet holes using this bench scraper here. it's called a bench scraper because when you stand it up it looks like any park bench you see in San Francisco. it's called affordance... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: it's better to walk than drive early in the morning, the sun glare gets in your eyes either way...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the set of <i>Between Two Ferns</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: you know, i always wanted to be Zach Galifianakis...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zach Galifianakis: so Jerry...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jerry Seinfeld: that's MISTER Seinfeld to you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zach: Jerry, actor, writer, comedy presenter, which of these jobs that Larry David does so ingeniously do you admire him for the most?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jerry: writer. definitely writer,. writing is hard.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zach: i'm not giving you ANY credit...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: i'm not seen.........no i mean my Instagram comments are LITERALLY not being seen, they disappear once i post them, all my thoughts are for naught...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm meeting with my Blogspot lawyers...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Justin Rose: i do a billion commercials. but i wanna win a BIG-ARSE golf tournament again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Once</i> and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: i'm taking band notes for better band creation...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen Hansard: look DEEP into my blue Irish eyes. you will drown in the Irish Sea if you look in my eyes long enough. these are pained eyes, handsomely pained eyes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa Irglova: me too the same. i'm the one with the Irish green eyes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: you know i just realized this, we don't have NAMES in this movie!!! we're just Guy and Girl. throughout the entirety of this film we never ONCE mention our names to each other or inside our internal narrators, not ONCE in the script dialogue, that's where the word ONCE comes from.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no it's actually from your song "Once," which is weird because it's a throwaway song on the album...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Carney: wait before we start i have to do something...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Carney: hello, Keira Knightley, do you want to be in this picture?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: hey.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: don't worry it's all for show. but i gotta throw a bone to Keira to apologize in some fashion.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keira Knightley: you said i couldn't act. you said i couldn't show emotions on my perfect face. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: i was drunk, luv, come back to me. if i needed an actor to play, say, a tree, the FIRST call i make is to you. okay? going forward...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cillian Murphy: if i had done this project as planned i would have won my Oscar by now WAY before now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: hey Cillian you little bitch, you little Irish dipstick dipshit, I CAN ACT!!! yeah i'll see you at the market one of these days, you know what i'm sayin? yeah i'll see you in the aisles, ya feel me? we'll have our own little Troubles between us...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: the Swell Season, that was my band in college i mean that was the band i formed with you. isn't it a cool name? we had a swell time doing the shooting of <i>Once</i>, changed our lives forever.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: for the worse.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Nolan nudges Glen in the ribs with his sharp elbows.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Nolan: ho, fellow Oscar mate. Oscar bait, masturbate at the thought of winning an Oscar. what took you so long? heeheehee *cough cough* wink wink nudge nudge...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen busking on Grafton Street.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: Grafton, graft, so i'm expecting my guitar case full for coins to get stolen soon. by my best friend who's also a street bum.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">street-bum best friend: come on, mate, i just need some cash to buy a Mother's Day card.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: is it March already?.........how's your mom doing?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">street-bum friend: i'm sick in the head, my ma's just sick physically.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Carney: amateur filmmakers TAKE NOTE!!! you see what we did here? we used LONG LENSES and filmed the street on a normal busy day sprawling and crawling with people on the sidewalks. that's how you do a movie ON THE CHEAP. you can't pay extras, so use REAL LIFE as your background!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus takes notes on his waterproof notepad...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eddie Vedder: ho, fellow busker!!! can i sing on your corner?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: who you calling a slut, mate? i'm not a slut, i'm just lonely. i'm a slut for music. this is MY corner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eddie: but i need to perform the Pearl Jam song "Once," the first song off our first album...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: this is MY corner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eddie: but "Once" was the very first song Pearl Jam ever wrote together...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: that song you just sung at night on this cobblestone street was POWERFUL. your ex-girlfriend really fucked you up something fierce when she dumped you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: it's not about her.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: bullshit. all songs are about women who dumped men. even the songs written by women.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: what flowers do you sell?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: <i>Les Miserables</i> flowers. Kurt Cobain flowers. pollen flowers which only give YOU hayfever. i learned English by watching Janet Wood on <i>Three's Company</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: what's a Czech girl doing in Ireland?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: celebrating St. Patrick's Day this Sunday of course!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: there's something MORE to you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i'm also Icelandic.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: THAT'S IT!!! YOU'RE ICELANDIC!!! you have that Bjork magic to your face!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: you fix hoovers?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: yeah. my dad only uses one wrench like Mario.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: okay so i'll lug my GIGANTIC vacuum cleaner from my apartment with my tiny little woman arms all the way to you at this broken street tomorrow, okay? it's a good thing i just HAPPENED to have a broken Hoover or this ENTIRE LOVE-STORY ROMANCE wouldn't have happened...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i heard girls use vacuum cleaners as masturbators, is this true?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: nah, it's a sci-fi robot thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i'm a musician as well.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i know, if it wasn't for me nobody would know your name...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: anyway.........wanna hook up and duet?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: sure, let's enter a very glassy Cold Stone Creamery over here on the corner. so what's your favorite color?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: my dad killed himself.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: good talk. that was a great conversation.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at Guitar Center.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: can i play the piano free here as always?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">counterman: you got FIVE minutes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">counterman: i'm counting the minutes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: guitars on the walls scare me, they're like hunting trophies. well, here goes nothing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen starts playing "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa breaks into "Falling Slowly" on piano...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">they both sing "Falling Slowly" in perfect harmony...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: WOW, this song is a MASTERPIECE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: thanks. i came up with this entire song JUST NOW. it just popped in me head...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i didn't know you could sing that high, you have that Billy Corgan voice register...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the bus ride home.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: okay ready for my impromptu punk-rock version of "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar and growly vocals?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen's father: fixing a vacuum is like performing open-heart surgery on <i>ER</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: Glen, why does your bedroom look like EVERY European hostel?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Angela from <i>Phenom</i>: upstairs...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: fuck...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen on the bed: yes i do, i wanna fuck you, Marketa.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa on the bed: no i was gonna say fuck this. i'm leaving.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: sorry. it's just you're gorgeous and i'm lonely.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: but what if you were lonely and i was ugly? why is your hair so fucking ginger?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: my hair is actually orange not red, i ate a bad presidential pepper in the States...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i'm composing ON THE SPOT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW this beautiful song about drifting boats as souls at night walking down this cobblestone road, much like that The Prodigy "Smack My Bitch Up" music video...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: is this one of those European parties with the King Arthur longtable and everyone packed like sardines 50 to a tiny sliver of a room, dimly-lit, one long skinny candle, all smashed on mead, everyone wearing those green and red pointy Christmas-crown leather felt hats?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: get ready for gauzy footage of my ex-girlfriend in cottage dreamscapes, at past birthday parties, and fields of gold.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: this looks like those scenes from <i>Her</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spider-Man: a spiderweb...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: you have kid?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: yes and my husband is a dog. back in the home country. yeah i have a toddler and yeah she learned English from<i> Sesame Street</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: you're too young to be a mom!!! my mum was 50 when she had me. hey if i make a funny face at your daughter that indicates the daughter has accepted me as her father now and i'm ONE step away from the three of us becoming a new family...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa's mom: *speaks in Czech*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: mom, speak English, that's rude to our houseguest.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: i was only saying you are marketable, Marketa. fine i'll speak in Icelandic...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: don't mind these three bumbling idiots on our ratty sofa, they're learning English by watching <i>The Three Stooges </i>and that GODAWFUL soap <i>Coronation Street</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: as i walk up these ivory steps, it's like that Oakland studio apartment that man had in his second year at Berkeley...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: let's secure a recording session, i'll empty my life savings at the bank for you. i've only met you for three days now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: yeah i keep forgetting this whole long movie takes place IN ONE WEEK!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: yeah we even go to the beach and everything like a Scooby-Doo anime.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shaggy with a surfboard on his head: beach soccer?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the bank.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: can we get a loan? this is Bank of America, right? you're reputable. we'll let you play drums on our album.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">bank manager: who brings a tape recorder to a bank? that's suspicious. people say i have the singing voice of Karen Carpenter...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the recording studio.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: this recording-studio back alley is giving me <i>Control </i>that 2007 movie vibes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">recorder: you guys don't faze me, i recorded the best, i did the Beatles and Stones and Iggy Fucking Pop!!! tape your little song and hear your song in the Scooby-van radio at the beach and here's the masters. like the golf tournament. i'll be over here reading my golf magazine...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: oh, so the ONCE is referencing the motorcycle. that's lame.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Easy Rider</i>: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">*Marketa says a phrase in Czech with a smile and twinkle in her eye*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: what'd you just say to me, woman? did you say <span style="color: red;">I LOVE YOU</span> to me in Czech?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: no i said my Czech husband is a dog.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eamon: i'm a jaded studio engineer. look at my jade ring.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: he got it at Jared. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eamon: are these putzes your back-up band?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other buskers: what sort of music is this? heavy metal?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: singer-songwriter, like Sting but with REAL blue-eyed soul...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: your stuff is better than my stuff, you should go into composing original piano songs and singing like an Icelandic fairy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i really like this piano.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i'll get it for you. it's yours. but i'm a busker so i'll have a Fisher-Price piano delivered to your flat tomorrow...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: where's Mark?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tommy Wiseau: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: Marketa's gone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i mean you guys really live in the slums. crap ghetto. this apartment is a shack. this flat is a real piece of shit, you viddy me? i mean how can you live in a place with NO FUCKING PHONE?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: Marketa was a BRILLIANT letter-writer and calligrapher in kindergarten...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: wanna grab a coffee? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: it would be fun to fuck you. but i can't. in order for us to have sex in future you MUST promise me one thing from now on: for the rest of your life you must ONLY refer to sex as hanky-panky.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i can't say no to those manic pixie dream girl eyes of yours.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: i'm a musician, i have Bjork's blood in me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: wanna stay at my place? your place is such a vile wretched trap, you know? mine's cleaner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: after MY hoover.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i squatted in that place. but it was for a good cause...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: what do you think of the demo, pop?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: it made me cry. your ma would be so proud. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: you gonna be okay here without me?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: i survived 50 years before you were born. when you were born life changed for the worse, suddenly my life became very difficult for me. are there any songs on this demo tape about your dead mother?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: um.........no...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: oh god this ending with Marketa's window zooming out as she looks out the window longingly and the swelling "Falling Slowly" reprise is getting to me, i'm CRYING right now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: babe...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: but i disagree with the premise of this ending. we don't care about Marketa's Czech husband!!! and we don't care that Glen is getting back together with his ex in London!!! we don't care about these boring people!!! we want some indication that Marketa and Glen will become a couple in future, that's the only juicy ending, right? the only palatable information. we must know that Marketa and Glen FUCKED down the road...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye: but babe maybe this IS the perfect ending, it's the ending that is realistic after one week. these two probably never saw each other again, that's how life is, that's how HEARTBREAKING life can be when two soulmates CAN'T stay together. plausible and cruel. it was only that ONE special week, the pain of a lifetime apart forever...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: we sure did make quite the pair for a while, didn't we. we were the combustible couple.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i was falling in love with you during the shooting of the film <i>Once</i>. but i was thinking to myself that you were just a kid and i was 50 years older than you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: age is nothing but a number if the sex is good. then i dumped you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: i tried to keep the fairytale going...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marketa: did you read that <i>New York Post</i> headline?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glen: that headline hurt. that headline hurt me. salt and sand in my already open and gaping wound. the headline was as follows: <i>Falling Slowly.........Out of Love...</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: this was the BEST movie of 2007 BY FAR. it gave me hope again. it's such a novel take on the movie musical. it restored my faith in humanity, in music that matters, and in the power of film. the inkling of hope i had then came true, Obama was elected. if only the world could have continued on that track of goodness.........painful sigh, g'night folks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keira Knightley: you see? now there's a REAL director. Steve is a REAL director.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Carney: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the pub fire. with Jen.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: two Shamrock Shakes please. with one straw. i have to admit i've never really had the Double Cheeseburger from McDonald's...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it sure is lovely and kindly and warmly humanly of this Irish pub to make Shamrock Shakes for us, give us a taste of home across the pond. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Irish barkeep by the name of Patrick: that McDonald's shite is just melted green-tea ice cream.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i have to go to the bathroom...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-87857080805451780002024-03-13T10:58:00.000-07:002024-03-13T18:18:19.911-07:00TOPTENNIS<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJc-zplBDDIhZeBFGIugWeSegvJo1TXEpdWeYmtxgdIEvnBLtOeJqVlM0yHLaBCr-RFAJm2XI3C6mb1_RA5pMjV9AI-r11D_9OyGevy1Nfw2XbKEHLEE9dW3DYXiyUq_SVN-BPrpvCBrL0mUs37RtmV4j_yi1Gt-hKQWSO3Hs-kzre7QRZOXJwZurQC6U/s2700/topgolf_2.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1941" data-original-width="2700" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJc-zplBDDIhZeBFGIugWeSegvJo1TXEpdWeYmtxgdIEvnBLtOeJqVlM0yHLaBCr-RFAJm2XI3C6mb1_RA5pMjV9AI-r11D_9OyGevy1Nfw2XbKEHLEE9dW3DYXiyUq_SVN-BPrpvCBrL0mUs37RtmV4j_yi1Gt-hKQWSO3Hs-kzre7QRZOXJwZurQC6U/w400-h288/topgolf_2.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRX5K_2FaPFwgi0_5VQRhLSccUvq7nenePkAsTtPwbBFGfSWreW7kqMnwLPCD8LJipQ4bwJOHjqc60Pmv2Ll-lQo76yldyEt9oesICNZ9fkmnDdbTsMAtHRMujPtDUoWwdby93LkAZvi-bU_mmcBdVdyavI3EvlP6jHe85lIPShRbRkVN4tWd6sBaVCPE/s1980/worcester-2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1229" data-original-width="1980" height="249" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgRX5K_2FaPFwgi0_5VQRhLSccUvq7nenePkAsTtPwbBFGfSWreW7kqMnwLPCD8LJipQ4bwJOHjqc60Pmv2Ll-lQo76yldyEt9oesICNZ9fkmnDdbTsMAtHRMujPtDUoWwdby93LkAZvi-bU_mmcBdVdyavI3EvlP6jHe85lIPShRbRkVN4tWd6sBaVCPE/w400-h249/worcester-2.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF99FMD3gznHq2pVjhJtRB-ny8sWnE-mkYXoDmjgFYxxeVRQcrR3_j1HX6AjSQMmdiV4NH4s_hSu5eOFxYcuXRhcARrlMvv5viA81TDfj8kcbDekr035OR0DtpIih8Ogf7JaGECJNwdwcIySmOHvY7vfNM0LmYLg-p_cO2rRYQobK4bCc04w_-zx-O-uI/s1980/worcester-1.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1375" data-original-width="1980" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjF99FMD3gznHq2pVjhJtRB-ny8sWnE-mkYXoDmjgFYxxeVRQcrR3_j1HX6AjSQMmdiV4NH4s_hSu5eOFxYcuXRhcARrlMvv5viA81TDfj8kcbDekr035OR0DtpIih8Ogf7JaGECJNwdwcIySmOHvY7vfNM0LmYLg-p_cO2rRYQobK4bCc04w_-zx-O-uI/w400-h278/worcester-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN6NzV24K25oDnMO8yZTwhyUpfXoy2m7byLkmGuIGo3NcVwVB2NzCO6B1IX2bW6CIUczSB5upocyXot-CBJEb3WeNg6e7jAoX0Ts6hM8f_VdwqyLOUVNHm4833Fb6qxtT1cB7T9nPZ7ibl8LSaFyf4KrG6oWnYQM3FHFLhSlUAc6rO9S7GHpvqGHwdvbo/s1024/TopGolf_Vegas_Tees.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhN6NzV24K25oDnMO8yZTwhyUpfXoy2m7byLkmGuIGo3NcVwVB2NzCO6B1IX2bW6CIUczSB5upocyXot-CBJEb3WeNg6e7jAoX0Ts6hM8f_VdwqyLOUVNHm4833Fb6qxtT1cB7T9nPZ7ibl8LSaFyf4KrG6oWnYQM3FHFLhSlUAc6rO9S7GHpvqGHwdvbo/w400-h300/TopGolf_Vegas_Tees.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEeTy3Ld2XLW8meD4eupRktUKnGtRgcB5QY9KbN670AI9OfyI3ceJJRczRWeJvByp6xd6ImA7Od5ts8VsGtBulNtRMxa5BvZmkSqjyfjDBS8TiGteBQ3_VHQqJku2U2OFhABK1oaypwJuMkacOX_wMx6VkAlBDod_3sQ8hR5wEuPbYOi-XlMuaP_-ygCA/s1626/DSC_7786.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1626" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEeTy3Ld2XLW8meD4eupRktUKnGtRgcB5QY9KbN670AI9OfyI3ceJJRczRWeJvByp6xd6ImA7Od5ts8VsGtBulNtRMxa5BvZmkSqjyfjDBS8TiGteBQ3_VHQqJku2U2OFhABK1oaypwJuMkacOX_wMx6VkAlBDod_3sQ8hR5wEuPbYOi-XlMuaP_-ygCA/w400-h266/DSC_7786.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVeDnTYjS7ekBp3SeUxHlhJtiw4-BSWpj4lOyn1Yv-GlaPCN3LAxsdbq1hhEIbR9x_a_AroS30vA4trcExbLTBcVXMayyuulh2s9z-z1tpTK3UfLptAD8K0SnAtRj4jwF3sTUQYWb_ezVCKKxAFexCikzBNoT_eaZyUkV__90EYdLNDsXLDbbANOZG-Y/s2400/05-Bay-OKC_0.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1784" data-original-width="2400" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUVeDnTYjS7ekBp3SeUxHlhJtiw4-BSWpj4lOyn1Yv-GlaPCN3LAxsdbq1hhEIbR9x_a_AroS30vA4trcExbLTBcVXMayyuulh2s9z-z1tpTK3UfLptAD8K0SnAtRj4jwF3sTUQYWb_ezVCKKxAFexCikzBNoT_eaZyUkV__90EYdLNDsXLDbbANOZG-Y/w400-h297/05-Bay-OKC_0.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixahOfh6niUg7Gl41jYZvjctUJRxP2fBSEA3SfDUD8gt8ZBY8mUN7zWQFqg_9EihnL_ZJwQ6UfQscb5_rVazg3Vtw0MSHFTw01tZYpyNf4QT2TPDTIuDtez5WWdpQCXthM-bK2ocG9i8uD_kFLSg4jL6rQz6eIcYphzcq2kq27TyN1dxdjcT9fsk_DEoE/s2400/05a-Exterior-Tee-Line-Right-Perspective-3rd-Level-Day-Scottsdale_0.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1774" data-original-width="2400" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixahOfh6niUg7Gl41jYZvjctUJRxP2fBSEA3SfDUD8gt8ZBY8mUN7zWQFqg_9EihnL_ZJwQ6UfQscb5_rVazg3Vtw0MSHFTw01tZYpyNf4QT2TPDTIuDtez5WWdpQCXthM-bK2ocG9i8uD_kFLSg4jL6rQz6eIcYphzcq2kq27TyN1dxdjcT9fsk_DEoE/w400-h296/05a-Exterior-Tee-Line-Right-Perspective-3rd-Level-Day-Scottsdale_0.webp" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at Toptennis.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: it's like a Topgolf but it's tennis.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tiger Woods: what exactly is Topgolf?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's like combining miniature golf with batting cages, a Sherman Oaks Galleria dream!!! sit around on white couches drinking prosecco hitting a tennis ball as high and far as possible to reach a circle hole.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: don't look at me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martina Navratilova: but not as HARD.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: do we have a patent on this thing yet?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: good. i want to make money doing a graphic novel with you instead.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Toptennis cage just next to us on the driving range that TV show <i>Phenom</i> is being discussed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Judith Light: Tony Danza was a boxer?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Angela Goethals: my name was Angela on the show too, just to make things easier. for the writers and on-set directors, i went to Vassar.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain with a tennis racquet in his right hand and a powder-blue guitar in his left hand: i'm a leftie like Nadal. i was JUST still alive during this show's <i>My So-Called Life</i> run... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Angela Goethals: Angela Doolan, Angela Chase chasing Jordan Catalano, see how everything connects celestially like a tennis cyclops?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny Phantom: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Genie Bouchard: tennis balls as big as a high-school girl's breasts? impossible. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this show had Southern California, a parochial high school run by Catholic nuns, and tennis as a way out, this would have been my life if i had chosen tennis...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ: everyone in Manhattan Beach, from real-estate agents to former actresses to Body Glove employees, has that Manhattan Beach Face, you know?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: did you fall asleep due to the prosecco?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no it's National Nap Day, i'm being a good citizen. when i nap while we're having sex, it's not a knock against you, i'm just fulfilling my duty. are we in Vegas?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: yes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: Spotlight 29 Casino is the best part about Coachella now, i don't know ANY of these bands, i'm a grannie who eats frosted cookies. where were we last week?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: Cunard.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: ah yes that chic craft, British beauty boat,</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Smith: paratha bread looks like English muffins.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: shimmer ship. nobody read about our adventure there last week so it's like it never happened, you know?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: let's talk about us.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: my favorite subject.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: we're the SAME PERSON, you know? why can't we be together?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you gotta relax about us. breathe and let it FLOW, let it take 3 years, you know?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i kiss Jen.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this is how i know we're soulmates, that was the most non-sexual kiss of all time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: agreed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what we have is PURE LOVE. you're the first person i ever made moon eyes at, i didn't know i could MAKE moon eyes. i always imagined YOU'd be the one with the moon eyes, your eyes are magic like the moon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's a <i>Mellon Collie</i> Smashing Pumpkins thing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Miss Piggy on the Toptennis circle stage: it's MY turn to tell a joke, mister man. move out of my spotlight, frog!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kermit the Frog: women are funny, i'm not just saying that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Miss Piggy eating the mic: what do you call a pig with a frog in her throat?.........a woman with frogs on her face, you know, from the embarrassment.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at Worcester Public Library.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i got free tickets to the Worcester Public Library. that's exciting, right? we lead exciting lives, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">it's a special day at the Worcester Public Library. it's Grey Cat Day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: yes, the day grey cats try to capture photos of their humans sipping Earl Grey tea. i ALMOST got one on camera but he turned his head at the last minute...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jean-Luc Picard: i don't like my cat seeing me bald.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: don't you love libraries with STAIRS and fireplaces? hey what's with this tiny room? what happened to all the Coachella stages?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: it's one video-game room now, more profitable.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kyle Brandt is in this room playing NES <i>Ice Hockey</i> from the '80s.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kyle Brandt: the Nintendo Entertainment System, we took it for granted. this game got me through puberty, all my life i thought i was fat, that's why i developed a personality where i make many deadpan jokes. but with this game you could change the body-type of the hockey player with a push of the button, you could make him skinny, normal, or fat. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">fat hockey player: we call ourselves enforcers, not fat.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kyle: that's when it dawned on me, i was never fat, i was stocky. muscular even!!! but it was too late for me to be a jock, i had already developed all the jokes so i went into broadcasting as a comedian...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">anime: the only place where you KNOW the characters are hungry because their stomachs ALWAYS growl...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sakura: so it turns out i'm Catholic. i have a marble Virgin Mary statue in my garden...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Naruto: religion? but we're NOTHING compared to the universe...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old man looking up at the stars: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Naruto moon: our moon eyes are gods...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: the Starbucks cute cases come in 4 iced-coffee bottles to a box, tsk tsk. plus they're expensive...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">workers: we're building a new fence for you for your front.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie Fitzgerald: that's rude, i'm not that old.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">workers: of course not, you're a gilf. an ACTUAL fence, one that's not automatic...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie: you guys are gymlords.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">workers: what did you call us?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie: no, gymlords. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc in a flash-silver yellow jogging jumpsuit and tight black lycra bicycle short-shorts: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: RuPaul's new autobiography is so deep you cannot enter the door to her sumptuous house, it's too hidden and secret and imbued with meaning, only RuPaul himself can take the journey to seek.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hodor: speaking of door quests, i wish i had joined the hobbits...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">RuPaul: it's like my own secret code, my own words and grimoire alphabet and cryptograms. bring your apple juice, this is gonna be a long journey for me to finally accept myself in this cruel world.........and try to reinvent this cruel world...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abbot Butt: i could never be the President of of the United States of America, that job requires you to lie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abraham Lincoln: i mean it's more like keeping state secrets to prevent the country from toppling. i almost became a monk...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abbot Butt: monks never perform Last Rites...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Sheen: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lucille Ball: that's not me on <i>Rhoda</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Garfield the cat: i developed that show...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lucy: i don't ACT on that show but i PRODUCED it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leaf Out: when the PeeChees and Trapper Keepers start coming in.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Cantore: they never keep, not even in Minnesota winters...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Derek Jeter, Reggie Jackson, and Aaron Judge: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">RFK Jr.: wanna be my VP?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aaron Rodgers: only if eventually i become the President of the United States of America. only if TikTok comes back, that's the only way i can talk to Joe Rogan. i'm only gonna be President for one day...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JFK: you're only gonna be President for one play. and i'm gonna have to clean up that mess of a play you make. your mess stinks like your cup. why would you give missiles to the Cubans?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aaron: missiles?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JFK: those ugly ungainly gas-guzzler 1920s and 1950s Chevy Cabriolets. Cuba should have had electric cars in 1900...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aaron: i'll talk to Elon about this. i threw the ball farther and more accurately than you in college.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JFK: yeah but in the Navy i gave Marilyn Monroe the spiral.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: i'm transitioning.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: ...away from Instagram...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Wendy's: so the new burgers have sand in them?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kathryn: no need for all the obloquy that gets thrown my way daily, make moon eyes at me and get a free Moonshine Shake!!! we're open late now, REAL late.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">McDonald's Care Bears: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Elizabeth Banks: i'm not Chelsea Handler...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Planet Fitness: you want to go to our gym with your friend free? you don't have friends, that's why you're at a gym...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mico's Chase commercial: Cecilia Tries It breaks through with her first commercial!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rolex Oscars commercial: you will NEVER achieve the facial expression of Adrien Brody...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Judge Judy: in my non-humble correct opinion, you're a putz. that's my ruling, you're a putz.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will Ferrell: can you believe 50% of the country still hasn't seen<i> Elf</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Don Julio: imagine Desi Arnaz is still alive and this is his patron tequila...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Airbnb: no more cameras in hotel walls, cameras only in our toilets. plus 4 friends? better with 3 or 5 friends...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Wayfair Wayborhood: the world is already divided up into gated communities...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">DoorDash: turn your romantic roses into Bjork flowers...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry Bird: you know what i used to do to putzes like you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mayhem: beat them on the basketball court?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry: beat them. my favorite cereal is Cocoa Puffs. i still own many CDs and have a CD tree. i drink Arrowhead gallon water from the '80s. what does this attic remind you of?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mayhem: Robert De Niro?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry: no, the correct answer is that film <i>White Noise</i>. get outta my house!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aubrey Plaza Baja-Blasting it: Scump?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tina Fey: you're saying i took like a Sasquatch? a Bigfoot?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack McBrayer: remember when <i>Phineas and Ferb </i>was the most popular cartoon on Earth?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Glenn Close: now, all internet parasocial relationships are <i>Fatal Attraction</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">waiter: wasn't it cool that Brent Spiner was still alive and able to do a new episode of <i>Night Court</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">100-year-old man and woman: NO we ARE NOT meant to work till we die...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">global warming: all the fjords dried up and are now filled with dried gas...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">wearable tech: when you don't see the park anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: okay we are doing the Carnival Cruise next!!! we are PLAYING <i>Family Feud Live</i> onboard that boat!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: my moon eyes just went blurry, my lips went numb, all i heard was me and you and family...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i'm not drunk. i'm spitting out brilliant ideas. if you hit the tennis ball THROUGH the net that counts as a won game. if you hit the tennis ball OUT OF THE STADIUM that counts as a won set...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John McEnroe: i've never taken a drug in my life, performance-enhancing or street-illegal. i am crazy. i am crazy in the head. playing tennis without a net, think about it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-48388801304604232352024-03-11T10:49:00.000-07:002024-03-11T15:48:12.636-07:00BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: MAKING A MOVIE, FILMING A FILM AT BERKELEY<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv3Hot5I9QxR1_duNvAAP7Cp3ZdLUND1YWsfE3PIcJmMuDLFnK0awz765DxgVYbVwWSPKOphGNFOYX7griXcLDgoWUlEoKPsjfTAynUBXAX0lhfHq9q6QWvECZFl0G-_2oKY36gW3jb6yYgfJy8zdm-wX-HVGPC3E0prfLN1W9YuaDwOtJOI2s85ChHFQ/s960/960x0.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="960" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjv3Hot5I9QxR1_duNvAAP7Cp3ZdLUND1YWsfE3PIcJmMuDLFnK0awz765DxgVYbVwWSPKOphGNFOYX7griXcLDgoWUlEoKPsjfTAynUBXAX0lhfHq9q6QWvECZFl0G-_2oKY36gW3jb6yYgfJy8zdm-wX-HVGPC3E0prfLN1W9YuaDwOtJOI2s85ChHFQ/w400-h266/960x0.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dazDpgtSqGE7TRPx1XpawUOHKxHbUyQmt6dYfpKqSsmMX87DoawtRC36nlhauGWqTRRiHFK5GOqVLLD8jA0XpGpUBVs1DbvtJEkH4EpOTfzy44yQcu4YKr6wVGgZGcmKV_P4BXOhqONi4YPzV89zcfkRn2444bnuLeOQ4UuxAMW0Phw_IxYblga4K_w/s2048/rawImage.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1472" data-original-width="2048" height="288" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5dazDpgtSqGE7TRPx1XpawUOHKxHbUyQmt6dYfpKqSsmMX87DoawtRC36nlhauGWqTRRiHFK5GOqVLLD8jA0XpGpUBVs1DbvtJEkH4EpOTfzy44yQcu4YKr6wVGgZGcmKV_P4BXOhqONi4YPzV89zcfkRn2444bnuLeOQ4UuxAMW0Phw_IxYblga4K_w/w400-h288/rawImage.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zKMTLlQDrmPtcvSFmnYgAKEnpJ0DNwuCzXhTMe_o6OdQp9o_rRpGgz5KvoFVY3slL4yK7KYbz2qwO-ZWBFfA7DMa71sa6IEb9ULoXEJNY2j0esrjatIDwGB9Ljz7UDtdYfAQwEjnh33wFmBhcWrG9HrZqImB9VLl_7i90VSSIoaa9yR5Z0QDG0tbB2s/s1400/oppenheimer-berkeley.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="910" data-original-width="1400" height="260" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3zKMTLlQDrmPtcvSFmnYgAKEnpJ0DNwuCzXhTMe_o6OdQp9o_rRpGgz5KvoFVY3slL4yK7KYbz2qwO-ZWBFfA7DMa71sa6IEb9ULoXEJNY2j0esrjatIDwGB9Ljz7UDtdYfAQwEjnh33wFmBhcWrG9HrZqImB9VLl_7i90VSSIoaa9yR5Z0QDG0tbB2s/w400-h260/oppenheimer-berkeley.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyszO8lCQaCuNTjTQSEhmPMdKnFCo-YIpj8EDxkCNq3CogSdB25fhs2WX9VFct4cQ0OhHLRVmu_u5szGu857hQrNsK673eDL7q3JrxCJdMvFc8GJTFvTdcAezGJyeGQ3QDVdmyQQVGwauoktIH78Kamf_6va-7cPT9ekTr7Q1fyTE_KJP2ZCzcIf2dmPU/s800/oppenheimer.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="800" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyszO8lCQaCuNTjTQSEhmPMdKnFCo-YIpj8EDxkCNq3CogSdB25fhs2WX9VFct4cQ0OhHLRVmu_u5szGu857hQrNsK673eDL7q3JrxCJdMvFc8GJTFvTdcAezGJyeGQ3QDVdmyQQVGwauoktIH78Kamf_6va-7cPT9ekTr7Q1fyTE_KJP2ZCzcIf2dmPU/w400-h240/oppenheimer.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8czqvYzUuYRvxuFBm1UaravKcB9Pyz-gneFE8yIVQpCvBEURXhombqFv3O161pFOql4kOxQHWMszDgUOOEOv0IhiDvN8tmtQo9h-eCwN-2SkmRoSTLiJSD7oa0sELWLG5h4GRuPqwMY1AvkPtCsLg-DzHucT127ivztFMg6YZZhMXZ7EwFxwDD0cQfBM/s559/OIP.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="559" data-original-width="474" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg8czqvYzUuYRvxuFBm1UaravKcB9Pyz-gneFE8yIVQpCvBEURXhombqFv3O161pFOql4kOxQHWMszDgUOOEOv0IhiDvN8tmtQo9h-eCwN-2SkmRoSTLiJSD7oa0sELWLG5h4GRuPqwMY1AvkPtCsLg-DzHucT127ivztFMg6YZZhMXZ7EwFxwDD0cQfBM/w339-h400/OIP.jpg" width="339" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-MJ8yACHdLJZpOpeWh50Ik2st_9D9zYl8_X3TpLiAVUUiyduic899p4QYKSxbZJK1OF1TBaWU0WBnpgo6VkmSUfgAmgVIUqYozGQR9NkPD6INTjGjCxlYFbSROpdM6YkDGXl3r30kWLB8l2SYnfLC4dzTXXUnnErK3XCDuhA15R_F-1A82-25kly7HuQ/s2400/JustinMinandAllyMakiAmoebaBerkeley.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1292" data-original-width="2400" height="215" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh-MJ8yACHdLJZpOpeWh50Ik2st_9D9zYl8_X3TpLiAVUUiyduic899p4QYKSxbZJK1OF1TBaWU0WBnpgo6VkmSUfgAmgVIUqYozGQR9NkPD6INTjGjCxlYFbSROpdM6YkDGXl3r30kWLB8l2SYnfLC4dzTXXUnnErK3XCDuhA15R_F-1A82-25kly7HuQ/w400-h215/JustinMinandAllyMakiAmoebaBerkeley.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOuVNaqyJMir4nqGKrrbSMTNMvqy3d9ymuI__PZc7i5TIYdnjUUzbRoqnaoGDq4sZi5Ihk9I_UPG24KYVE3Rce75S1EraLzG9wpVD3M82pHCuDmUjOgkLn-uipFFFTdNu_moSfwrowg4nUdPWLIxvx-RKVSJhzJ5sydVdAUa_Olp9kHoIgkBxVajUZttI/s2830/JustinMinAllyMakiShortcomingsTelegraphAvenue.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1546" data-original-width="2830" height="219" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOuVNaqyJMir4nqGKrrbSMTNMvqy3d9ymuI__PZc7i5TIYdnjUUzbRoqnaoGDq4sZi5Ihk9I_UPG24KYVE3Rce75S1EraLzG9wpVD3M82pHCuDmUjOgkLn-uipFFFTdNu_moSfwrowg4nUdPWLIxvx-RKVSJhzJ5sydVdAUa_Olp9kHoIgkBxVajUZttI/w400-h219/JustinMinAllyMakiShortcomingsTelegraphAvenue.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZQJPSd0krMK0Kyd230CJPcKRh-N6RxFXZQYMVXt3zZULeD6eKkPu3UwPedUM_lYL7pQWwWS_JoSVwhaSDeHz7X_BQ1uBnMQcVImTQULIgk53CkW4fS7T0VHYFPBRTM0zOlojq-9MuLWC5y9xflukmh842zpw9kMkrYayl5TZOgF4MLoD8GOAffuoAUg/s1200/id7mbda_oppenheimer_625x300_27_July_23.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="738" data-original-width="1200" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiyZQJPSd0krMK0Kyd230CJPcKRh-N6RxFXZQYMVXt3zZULeD6eKkPu3UwPedUM_lYL7pQWwWS_JoSVwhaSDeHz7X_BQ1uBnMQcVImTQULIgk53CkW4fS7T0VHYFPBRTM0zOlojq-9MuLWC5y9xflukmh842zpw9kMkrYayl5TZOgF4MLoD8GOAffuoAUg/w400-h246/id7mbda_oppenheimer_625x300_27_July_23.webp" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Nolan is giving Jen R and i a tour of Berkeley.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Nolan: we filmed many scenes from <i>Oppenheimer</i> here on the Berkeley campus.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: what are you doing here, man? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Nolan winking and sniffing his nose: Oscars research. if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i mean it's rather odd, right? this movie is about the ultimate war machine on the most peacenik place on Earth!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry King: curiouser and curiouser. strange as fuck like my stash of ketamine dippers.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindsey Graham: oh my vapors i have vapers.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: congrats on Best Picture, sir. you have one of those faces where i can't lie to it, i did NOT see <i>Oppenheimer</i>, sorry. i only saw <i>Barbie</i>. who has the statuette now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher: the person who produced babies with me. strangely, we named each of our children Oscar BEFORE the fact like ten years ago. even the girls.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">we cross the main gate into campus.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: oh God, seeing this green-tea gate again after SO many years, it's jarring. i called this the Colgate Gate cuz it looked like my toothpaste.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: do you have the insatiable urge to brush your teeth at this moment, bruh? my teeth hurt for no reason, too, sharp pains out of nowhere, probably the drugs. and the college drums. i feel so at home in Berkeley!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: what's that Latin inscribed on the gate?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: Latin for BRUSH YE TEETH, YOUNG MAN, OR EAT NO PUSSY.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you know the scariest 3 words in the English language?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i love you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: no, Back To School...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Randall Park: i filmed my award-winning short film here and around the Berkeley suburbs, too. the sidewalks not just the parks. it's about Bay Area people who...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: weren't you on <i>Supah Ninjas</i>?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Randall: yes. that was my Nickelodeon start. my gateway past the Colgate Gate. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm ashamed to admit that show was the last show i was FORCED to watch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Randall: thanks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: Alameda is awesome.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i recognize the shady streets in your movie!!! i walked them. oh yeah there's that video-game rental store. this obviously takes place in the '90s. i wonder if Cleo still works there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cleo: how long does a restraining order last?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you know, i'm debating whether or not to ACTUALLY go back to Berkeley school or simply to get the experience again by watching your awarded thus worthwhile movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Randall: it's a good guide...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Oscars, the <i>Twins</i> are on stage.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arnold Schwarzenegger: Batman that son of a bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny DeVito: how dare you show your smug rich face in front of us around here!!! Batman defenestrated me!!! that's worse than molting feathers!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton in the audience: don't worry, i'm not gonna leave my seat, fly up there on stage, and Will Smith you two. hey did you like how i bit your beak off and ate it? you thought i wasn't crazy like that? i mean check me out in <i>Night Shift</i> for fuck sake.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will Smith makes a surprise step-out onto the stage from behind the gold curtain. the Oscar audience GASPS in unison.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will Smith, smiling: SIKE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the audience gives Will Smith a standing ovation that lasts for 30 minutes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will acknowledging with his nodding head: thank you. thank you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">*pan to Tom Hanks looking bewildered...*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will Smith: and now i'd like to tell you about my friend Chris Rock and why he deserves this acting award...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">stage manager Lorne Michaels: no no no we did not agree to THIS, Will. i forgave you for the Slap Heard Round the World, that wasn't your fault, you were egged on...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will: Happy Easter, Lorne.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne: i forgave you for fucking Julie Delpy cuz, i mean, LOOK at Julie Delpy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Delpy: my tits somehow got bigger as i got older.........it's a French thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne: i know, Shane Gillis and everything, but...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Will: Chris needs this honor to paper over his psychological wounds...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Rock in the audience: get this man off the stage!!! want me to come up there with a LONG-ASS HOOK?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jada: when will people start asking me only about my Oscar dress again?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Downey Jr.: i'd like to thank my fucked-up childhood for this Oscar. in that order. thanks, dad, for being who you were...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Slash in the middle of "I'm Just Ken" busts out into "November Rain..."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: remember when we did it in the Enoch Pratt Free Library?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: how could i ever forget, the best moment of my life. that was the first time i genuinely made love. you made that WEIRD NOISE when you cummed. is that your true orgasm sound?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: yeah, it sounds like that ROBOT NOISE the Robot makes in the intro theme song to <i>Whitney and the Robot</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Jackson: MJO, i'm making a comeback. i'm gonna be what my mama always wanted me to be: a weatherman...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen Carfagno: i tried to do the Moonwalk on my roof and broke my leg. thank you, Michael, i feel more like Sean Lennon everyday... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be an NFL football player who plays video games...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be the head of the NAACP...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julian Sands: with me. i found my moral compass when i didn't have a compass down there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Herta Ware: i was the first gilf...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">lead singer of Dishwalla at the Vatican: i'm here to see the Pope. now that a pope is finally female, can you give me a sick note to get these bullies off me?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Pope: you got death threats and hate mail just because God is a woman. i'm not God, i'm the Pope, but technically it's the same thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza dressed as Father Guido Sarducci: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gilda Radner: i would have made the best Father Guido Sarducci...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carlos Alcaraz: i'm silky like Spanish coffee.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Frances Tiafoe: my game is missing. i need to get my spark back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emma Raducanu: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Katy Perry at Pic-N-Save: you want spaghetti on rye?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: dear on our walk today we spotted this strange latex rubber black belt with a screw in it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mordecai: that is not Saturday-morning mall karate...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: definitely BDSM. moreover, furthermore, i scanned a paper booklet in the grass, <i>Handy Stunts</i>, the size of one of those Tijuana bibles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Crumb: had that Crumb energy to it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: saw a crunched McDonald's brown bag, thought it was a turkey...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: a pill 4 times a day? 4 pills a day? this is not good.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ariana Araiza: in case you didn't notice, you lost an hour of sleep last night. i didn't notice cuz i never get any sleep anyway, i'm always fucking through the night.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tesla Cybertruck: i'm trying WAY TOO HARD to be the DeLorean. but i'll NEVER be the DeLorean.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Elon Musk: why didn't i just stick with electric cars? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael J. Fox: hey Elon, fuck AI, just make a cure for Parkinson's...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tide: don't let us fool you, we don't sell detergent water, we sell JUGS.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brooke Trantor ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Metamucil: feel less sluggish.........so you can play pickleball!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: dude, what are you doing?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: oh hey.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: don't hey me, you've lost the plot.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: that's not good for an English major. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: i'm sighing both loudly and internally. let me see what i can do. your field trip with Mr. Nolan is sure to count towards some sort of college credit. garner some credit-card points. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cillian Murphy: pronounce my first name NOW. i'm so proud of my Irish heritage i sing the Fight Song whilst drinking a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's, i'm the last man who still drinks those. don't count on it, Christopher Nolan FORCED me to do<i> Oppenheimer </i>WITHOUT reading the script first...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: did you at least write me a part in your movie?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: not one where you're not naked...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: see THAT is why you're never ACTUALLY gonna ever make a movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-55564621217039843222024-03-08T10:28:00.000-08:002024-03-08T20:08:28.990-08:00EVIL TOONS: THE SCOOBY GANG GOES TO COLLEGE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUV1CTyCgZdpYBQPCVtClY0qGOXEmddCtC71-lU-huudTVZgmgr38gyGS8rk283i3GmSJ224Vli-XzOcjPdm_IDaz9K6CL9NmVrEQFxkCZYPCgLd28AgoR5Gm0P7AE_WHx_Meu_UT14ZlkFGSrou0SA-lRQStay4qLOEfIqUQ3RUb1SE2IuAKeb1cuNaY/s1920/AnSF1AoSRXSUMTPxPMpt26KVecV.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhUV1CTyCgZdpYBQPCVtClY0qGOXEmddCtC71-lU-huudTVZgmgr38gyGS8rk283i3GmSJ224Vli-XzOcjPdm_IDaz9K6CL9NmVrEQFxkCZYPCgLd28AgoR5Gm0P7AE_WHx_Meu_UT14ZlkFGSrou0SA-lRQStay4qLOEfIqUQ3RUb1SE2IuAKeb1cuNaY/w400-h225/AnSF1AoSRXSUMTPxPMpt26KVecV.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS82lq9YxK0e-PKbVC6ULfYyt80yFl0cnKGqaR3hghk2EAmjTJTFZF_ns3EFSDJ9pwmBCroyKcWPj_IahfWdQ5lef5pz1J8stJCjTnig_R4IzzxQyH9076pQyuvBNouR4XOXOq8_vMzqq1Zg_lVnjiVmFESmtxmEciuHIBlDMxwzz6M7gDb-13z1Uiwvk/s761/420full-evil-toons----------------------------------(1992)-poster.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="761" data-original-width="420" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhS82lq9YxK0e-PKbVC6ULfYyt80yFl0cnKGqaR3hghk2EAmjTJTFZF_ns3EFSDJ9pwmBCroyKcWPj_IahfWdQ5lef5pz1J8stJCjTnig_R4IzzxQyH9076pQyuvBNouR4XOXOq8_vMzqq1Zg_lVnjiVmFESmtxmEciuHIBlDMxwzz6M7gDb-13z1Uiwvk/w221-h400/420full-evil-toons----------------------------------(1992)-poster.jpg" width="221" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvjGAT6zgXl8Dv-C1LEQAakFLgkkSYTW4-2MPwy3lb9pvPGnt0Sp0Nk697zQkt9cNDLobXZOOXkjhKHr3rswNSIUf6SQI3mKzsC6SyhdP7LpCiYhJYyyLCa3rD8hnTyZ-DRqvlWdMCG4X-mKO7sC6FgDtNS4fqAq6fOFWofsKJQTrxSv7E1f7JquhOXws/s704/Evil%20Toons%20(1992).9.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvjGAT6zgXl8Dv-C1LEQAakFLgkkSYTW4-2MPwy3lb9pvPGnt0Sp0Nk697zQkt9cNDLobXZOOXkjhKHr3rswNSIUf6SQI3mKzsC6SyhdP7LpCiYhJYyyLCa3rD8hnTyZ-DRqvlWdMCG4X-mKO7sC6FgDtNS4fqAq6fOFWofsKJQTrxSv7E1f7JquhOXws/w400-h228/Evil%20Toons%20(1992).9.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ99UaDWoahQ8k-OZW0yoUEV9zNEjF73ofJXxw0xIbFi0w37P78i0Rdd1HGofrKa_gp-5gluiaM5_0lkT4t94wGCd6dMoGEGTYjAHWJj0XVMtbVWz_eFR0SdFgCAgv2UJS3w0c19MS4wdl-LpZvWK0sbntg3OaEqIWS83P3RvL-d9XdfsyB6GOe1LpHCM/s1280/maxresdefault.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhZ99UaDWoahQ8k-OZW0yoUEV9zNEjF73ofJXxw0xIbFi0w37P78i0Rdd1HGofrKa_gp-5gluiaM5_0lkT4t94wGCd6dMoGEGTYjAHWJj0XVMtbVWz_eFR0SdFgCAgv2UJS3w0c19MS4wdl-LpZvWK0sbntg3OaEqIWS83P3RvL-d9XdfsyB6GOe1LpHCM/w400-h225/maxresdefault.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWORNsQxcoTYp32bFNX9cIIULLkbyK9KXx3wTNbKfUoMtBWET4x194OQj1zZ_qWZuSHc0o1TeiWKCsRSHyqLYs9N9cWY8ay0s86qYKMRY-_mNEoi4pBWyNHuCMFjs8Ttxbgmn5-D3XhAU-MW817iilTt7Aw15MZ-rBuldrv3rACoOFzSQ1CT60Glh-JaA/s1920/MV5BN2YxMDI4NzctNGExYS00MDlmLThiNDktNmE0YmZmY2VkYTVlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1046" data-original-width="1920" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjWORNsQxcoTYp32bFNX9cIIULLkbyK9KXx3wTNbKfUoMtBWET4x194OQj1zZ_qWZuSHc0o1TeiWKCsRSHyqLYs9N9cWY8ay0s86qYKMRY-_mNEoi4pBWyNHuCMFjs8Ttxbgmn5-D3XhAU-MW817iilTt7Aw15MZ-rBuldrv3rACoOFzSQ1CT60Glh-JaA/w400-h217/MV5BN2YxMDI4NzctNGExYS00MDlmLThiNDktNmE0YmZmY2VkYTVlXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyOTc5MDI5NjE@._V1_.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiogg9ue0BGLuI7BNXgorNH1sQRgAolUOH7PcSjuF7RltzmuRcIWbxgZ9V5CpnJTSigCGzFLU1odVM6cJqT1nC3sDNwSxRVCCGqEtl4QEvUSVfDZrgJGbVKkTO4jj_CDT0Ic-lmRRbBts-iAhf9nWIFO0T4L0Svri4f0T8d_G-lrvb9ZgYhq1vZCnLbhU/s1049/gJffOdZIVP3A9Cr1iYoMJQykcHL.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1049" data-original-width="700" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiiogg9ue0BGLuI7BNXgorNH1sQRgAolUOH7PcSjuF7RltzmuRcIWbxgZ9V5CpnJTSigCGzFLU1odVM6cJqT1nC3sDNwSxRVCCGqEtl4QEvUSVfDZrgJGbVKkTO4jj_CDT0Ic-lmRRbBts-iAhf9nWIFO0T4L0Svri4f0T8d_G-lrvb9ZgYhq1vZCnLbhU/w268-h400/gJffOdZIVP3A9Cr1iYoMJQykcHL.jpg" width="268" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are aboard a luxury cruise liner ship.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: are you sure we can afford this?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: no. but i need to be on a fancy boat or i can't hear Alan Watt's words in that Alan Watts voice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alan Watts in Toriyama Trunks trunks: think about your dream life. where you have everything to your heart's content. all the love affairs you've desired since adolescence, all the wealth you couldn't receive because you were born in the poor bracket, all the fame where it's just enough but not overboard.........now forget that you are dreaming and continue to live life in this way...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">we're aboveboard on the top deck.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: isn't it cool to play shuffleboard on these planks? i've never worn sunglasses before in my entire life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alan Watts: after a fashion...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: let me fashion for you my special secret drink. i'll pour it in this gin glass here with a sprig of pineapple. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: hand it to me, our chaise longues are parallel. huh, it tastes like...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it's not semen. but it IS my tantric milk.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: oh it's Mocha Mix!!! are you getting the uneasiness again lightning down your spine?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i always feel unexciting and as if i'm not in phase with this timeline of the universe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: look, look at it this way: take marriage, right? i mean the husband and wife are not always together to keep reinforcing the fact that they need each other to live and life is meaningless without the other. sometimes the husband goes on a "business trip" or the wife is "answering the mail" and the two lovebirds are apart for WEEKS at a time!!! so what happens during those weeks? do they forget the other exists? do they FORGET that they are MARRIED to each other even though they haven't SEEN each other for a year after all the holidays?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: trust. it's about trust. all relationships, all marriages, are built on a rock of Gibraltar called TRUST.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: trust and TIME. time apart. time away. but when you finally reunite it's like you never left. marriage is like riding bikes, pick it up where you left off lo those many years ago. marriage has no time limit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz is on this ship, too.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz: naturally, i'm a natural traveler. i've never worn sunglasses in my life, either!!! how do i look?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: the same. that same quirky Baltimore wanderlust. hey you wanna try my milky tropical cocktail concoction?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: i drank it while you were talking.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: oh Lindy!!! why must we play these games? why can't it be easy? why can't it be simple? why can't you be my wife? i would have multiple reasons to move to Baltimore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: patience. patience sucks, but there are my Instagram voice messages in the meantime. don't worry, i won't forget you. you have to realize, life takes a LONG time...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen looking at Lindy then me: have you ever heard of Baltimore breath?... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ma Mac is next to us on the deck lounge.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ma Mac: i'm wearing a tropical muumuu but i'm not pregnant.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Matthew McConaughey: my ma is an INSPIRATION, she's 90 and kicking ass like she's 35. think of her as 35 all over again but with a lifetime's wisdom. she's everybody's Caroline in their church choir circle...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ma Mac: when you get to be my age, strange things start occurring, strange Earth happenings start happening, my sneeze sounds like an owl howl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i know some crones you should contact, i'll give you their spell card.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: thar she blows!!! no not my period, a GRAY WHALE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: that's grey whale.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: we humans foolishly thought they were extinct!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: cats know better, we eat them everytime we drink water from a faucet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: it's a good thing we still live on a planet where the oceans aren't boiling...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i was told not to obsess about the future, the inhabitable inhospitable future. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: you like chicken?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i love General Tso chicken!!! and i'm a peacenik hippie. the spicier the better.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: i like my chicken with extra cheese. softens the spice. if you promise to be patient i'll get you what you really want. they still sell 1980s Steak-Umms but only in China...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce on deck: excuse me, shirtless man-waiter wearing an unbuttoned shirt fluttering in the wind, can i have a pat of margarine?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: we'll take butter.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mickey Mouse: there is no butter aboard this vessel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: you know when butter comes brand new from the churn, in the center it looks like a penis.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: that's a flower's stamen, dear...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sally Field: '90s Sally Field. right? yup, i was YUMMY back then, son, i was a fucking milf. i owned Burt's outer-space house with my smile alone. i mean i was the hot mom in <i>Mrs. Doubtfire</i>, what more do you want? what more IS there?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: Christmas 1993, the last few months of nostalgia left on Earth...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ: when we visit sick relatives, we go in and out, like that burger chain we just discovered. Tim and Kavita have been talking about and surfing by that place for years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aloe Vera: Poison Ivy's genteel aunt who lives in Gotham City's Canoga Park, in a condo not the park.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: LUSH and McDonald's are teaming up.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: bath bombs in the Happy Meal?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: instead of beef tallow, medicinal tallow.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: dear, when i was doing the dishes i caught a stray pubic hair stuck on the Treehouse dishwasher door...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: one of Bama's?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: one of yours...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Progressive: we're only doing this ghost commercial NOW because <i>Ghosts</i> on CBS is such a big unexpected hit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Yellow Power Ranger: i never knew showbiz success like THIS was possible!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: backsplash...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Californication" sounds like that<i> Serial Experiments Lain</i> theme song.........we watched a lot of PBS during 9/11...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Reeve: i am the American Daniel Day-Lewis...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">One-A-Day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ronald McDonald: why doesn't McDonald's offer hot dogs? i eat 8 hot dogs a day and i'm SHREDDED but nobody wants to see my chest inside this clown costume.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: be careful with shrooms, i eat a teaspoon of spores everytime i touch the mushroom in the game, i don't become Super, mushrooms grow inside my stomach.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Wuigi: hey, don't knock gummies, gummies help me remember who i am...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Alice & Jack </i>on PBS: the Irish <i>Before </i>Trilogy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Battle of Los Angeles: you can't have war nerves in a war of nerves...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zack de la Rocha: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zack de la Rocha: i'm normally not this quiet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Stakeout (1987)</i>: if ANY movie doesn't have a naked woman in it, what exactly does it have?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madeleine Stowe: i played Shakespeare's mother on the London stage...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindsey Graham fainting in Congress waving his soggy white-flag handkerchief: sweet vapors he did it. the sonofagun did it. by George Washington the old man actually did it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joe Biden: behind closed doors opened like that Moses <i>Ten Commandments</i> wave. the skies of Heaven took favor upon me seeing i was older than Moses and a good man like Moses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: it's weird when March hits and i can see the trash trucks coming from 5 miles away on a clear-as-day 6:30AM morning...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: if i RAN instead of walked i would look silly in the morning. i'd look even sillier if i JOGGED...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Kimmel: we're making this ESPECIALLY difficult for you now, the Oscars move BACK one hour earlier but then ALSO it's Daylight Saving which already moves Time one hour forward anyway. nobody watches the Oscars anymore anyway, right?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">LeVar Burton: i always knew rainbows were circles. nobody asked me in the '80s. nobody approached me in the '70s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Evil Toons</i> and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fred Olen Ray: it's a B movie. what did you expect? this is what a B movie IS...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madison Stone and Stacey Nix: we're the porn stars in this cast.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald, Mardith, and Eye Luggage: you're doing this on International Women's Day?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fred Olen Ray: totally random, it just happened to be today on this day, i swear.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Carradine: this is cruel. me with his noose? this is how i died in real life. i wonder if THIS movie was the inspiration for improving my sex life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: you see, dearies? there's nothing to be scared, afraid, and frightened of. fear not your religion. those aren't Satanic verses, merely cartoon drawings in a coloring book.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: yeah i mean don't all books have faces and talk to you? or is that just a goth thing. they all did when you read me bedtime stories at night, mom, remember?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: when i read you MY <i>Goodnight Moon</i> book, the moon was the moon from <i>The Mighty Boosh</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">H.P. Lovecraft: the <i>Necronomicon</i> is merely a book on skin care. i need to stop having dreams where these names appear...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">women in a van: the most important word of the day of this movie is COED. okay? COED, we MUST stress the importance of higher education for young women trying to get ahead in this world. we're all coeds, we all go to college.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Tripper: oh yeah, i've seen you students milling around campus, don't you all go to San Diego State?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Monique Gabrielle: i'm the Velma of the group. i COULD do porn but i decided to become a regular actor...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Monique: like i guess i could have chosen a middle ground and done softcore <i>Emmanuelle </i>movies or something, my namesake...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Megan: we'll have this haunted house cleaned in no time. i borrowed this hoover from an Irish busker and Czech flower girl...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Suzanne Ager: i'm the mom of the group.........and yes i look like Terri from <i>Three's Company</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michelle Bauer: i'm Jack's wife...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Miller watching his younger self on the telly: look at me on the black-and-white boob tube, i cut a handsome figure, what happened to me? why do i do porn now? i'm Dick Clark but i can act!!! i'm this generation's Bela Lugosi!!! i'm the Beach Boy who went crazy and started wearing diapers and building sandcastles in his bedroom but is a musical genius and the only one who knows all the notes!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: um, the dialogue. is it INTENTIONALLY bad or do people really talk like that? do the women know their lines or don't they? why is there such a slow drag to the dialogue? they all sound like they're in a porn film...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arte Johnson: i was the best <i>Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In</i> guest they ever had, it springboarded me into appearances on <i>Hollywood Squares</i> and <i>Press Your Luck</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arte Johnson: i have the perfect last name to do this picture...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Wes Craven: serious question, can you have a horror movie without nudity?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Freddy Krueger: absolutely, that's what dreams are for...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jason: doesn't matter, i can't see a thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Megan: we'll solve this mystery!!! we still have the Scooby Van, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Miller: that was a lease for a day shoot...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Suzanne Ager: girls, we do NOT believe in ghosts!!! DMs haven't been invented yet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Miller: sorry, babe, i can't be a husband to you, i have to protect the girls from evil demonic spirits.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">wife: but isn't staying and satisfying me in bed being a man, too?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rox: i have to ask, why am i the MOST naked in this movie? hey who stole the Nutter Butters!!! everyone has a Bama in their life, the average quarterback of the community-college football team?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Megan reading the book: what even IS that position? Velma would not approve of this scientific sex book.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fred Olen Ray: so <i>Who Framed Roger Rabbit</i> this ain't. see we had LIMITED RESOURCES to animate this cartoon. VERY LITTLE MONEY. we had to create a budget Tasmanian Devil who could only be on screen for one minute tops. i wanted to make sure he had enough lines to tell us his motivation...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Yan: here, use my Chinese chef knife cleaver as the knife.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Carradine: look at me performing in this ending here, why wasn't i in <i>Highlander</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David: Velma, do you want to run away with me? i know i'm a little older than you but...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Megan: can't, i have a math pop quiz in the morning...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David: universities have pop quizzes?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">last scene: it makes sense about Saturday morning cartoons, right? adults like them more than kids. adults are up late on a Friday night drinking and drugging and not getting any sleep through to Saturday morning when they can decompress, chill, and vegetate to some toons...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">kids: yeah but we still like cereal more than you adults...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jerry Seinfeld: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Carradine: if i had gone the Disney Channel route like my brother, i'd still be alive today. g'night folks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the fire: i can honestly say i've never tried the McDouble...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-35957865219385063682024-03-06T11:00:00.000-08:002024-03-06T17:12:55.300-08:00THE REAL MCCOY<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimNwdNMtAR8_K5hL5gPPQsfEksrB6q5-3RuRbxTUVue1YVDSntbRW0DlQUuV0vtz88Sw4XHjwMlH-k8ln9mXxWUYBrkOmtuQpQCxrQ-Y5ATHnktq0PlGffJHg7sSags2YFVrCYD0ftkl_m6705XZQnLMl5LMeBiKJth-pIQa7Qtn6Hg-kjSh6oLjCIG8s/s1300/amazing-stories-mirrormirror-waterston.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="983" data-original-width="1300" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimNwdNMtAR8_K5hL5gPPQsfEksrB6q5-3RuRbxTUVue1YVDSntbRW0DlQUuV0vtz88Sw4XHjwMlH-k8ln9mXxWUYBrkOmtuQpQCxrQ-Y5ATHnktq0PlGffJHg7sSags2YFVrCYD0ftkl_m6705XZQnLMl5LMeBiKJth-pIQa7Qtn6Hg-kjSh6oLjCIG8s/w400-h303/amazing-stories-mirrormirror-waterston.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggulif-QsZfvRY_kfwBnuep8Ov14301BJxh4xMPueLN9PURO1PqibM60ZAio7ICljYk6UqFbBm8QBpg9Rk-lYBtbBIq-CAbwqtpgYzPhV2MU27SnjaejowwJvkEpMKuf6ioWRlboK5b0DuWft1uvubMsy-yjVV0RNRpMVRkB9e-Hk9z1eUwhk64R0imx0/s310/rm_gaps_fill_609488_631947_c09fdc12-7f73-45a1-9cbf-4edc0e9f83c7.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="310" data-original-width="310" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggulif-QsZfvRY_kfwBnuep8Ov14301BJxh4xMPueLN9PURO1PqibM60ZAio7ICljYk6UqFbBm8QBpg9Rk-lYBtbBIq-CAbwqtpgYzPhV2MU27SnjaejowwJvkEpMKuf6ioWRlboK5b0DuWft1uvubMsy-yjVV0RNRpMVRkB9e-Hk9z1eUwhk64R0imx0/w400-h400/rm_gaps_fill_609488_631947_c09fdc12-7f73-45a1-9cbf-4edc0e9f83c7.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBbon7cJRhDV78jExkKyXHi4SCQGnT_qNrhWATStEQqiEJCu1LlrZk8B3O4dBqw-4M1wGjRFessVhkun9U4H3WsP_uZHlX6OEo1JrhqLK2JfRsqieyeweMV9IcqIl2CQS01Ez2qh8pkZ_ihDgsI2z8FVWZYBqYGjiAwLMnkDzD4p3jNU1Kmx43W_osEH0/s800/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="513" data-original-width="800" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiBbon7cJRhDV78jExkKyXHi4SCQGnT_qNrhWATStEQqiEJCu1LlrZk8B3O4dBqw-4M1wGjRFessVhkun9U4H3WsP_uZHlX6OEo1JrhqLK2JfRsqieyeweMV9IcqIl2CQS01Ez2qh8pkZ_ihDgsI2z8FVWZYBqYGjiAwLMnkDzD4p3jNU1Kmx43W_osEH0/w400-h256/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE2qad2L3i7fKxZzE_wBxquJTnKkAZzp_nm_8Kg5jSjYl7u751Eq-X1S6QtocYrYSrFKVl7DThlUadLETu3AUZSyUSmmUUhxCLx01ZmUwHkEtIrL18I7H9W8K0j3KbnyyihHuN1cOVm_ImFAGGl_g6je5-FGFUE-lyiuiS1WK7kOb0AdWELmxGMGdZn4Q/s1800/MV5BZmQxNmI4ZTItZTUyMi00OGM4LWE1ODQtNjIxOGJkYzI4NmZkXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMDU2NjgyMg@@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjuWUUEAEadaz3tdNWcLKi44VzeuG9lftyAAghEliTjYy1ntc8HA1VifOm-JptE5TcXq3P4AUSnVeuwZD4-rs0tenTtjDIQjRFvOFAK2eW6BYcOlnAVAs9vpHVV5QyxfONHBaxr7u-TZGvFiliRNMDkwTBukohXtaqLKN-At5rUtRbmVkHNwt7yxZSq4s/s636/63-636x480.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="636" height="303" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjuWUUEAEadaz3tdNWcLKi44VzeuG9lftyAAghEliTjYy1ntc8HA1VifOm-JptE5TcXq3P4AUSnVeuwZD4-rs0tenTtjDIQjRFvOFAK2eW6BYcOlnAVAs9vpHVV5QyxfONHBaxr7u-TZGvFiliRNMDkwTBukohXtaqLKN-At5rUtRbmVkHNwt7yxZSq4s/w400-h303/63-636x480.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at a Baltimore strip mall.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: the one on the corner, you know, that one. the concrete corner. this place has so many shoppes squeezed into it, so many experiences and colors and tastes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: sexual tastes not just food tastes? i'm getting that wavy scared feeling again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: relax. i'm here NOW, that's all that matters. forget the future, the future is now. all anyone of us has is now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: is that an Indian place named Nirvana?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: the curry is a little dry but they have welcome wet fish. the boys and i recorded the latest Nirvana album in there, Nirvana's <i>Sgt. Pepper's</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">in the crowd is EZ Taylor from <i>Three's a Crowd</i> wearing a blue bucket hat that says PRAY FOR SURF, and Peter Griffin fitting his fat hind legs in the line.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Peter Griffin: it's the queue in Quahog.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Peter Griffin: it's Weird Wednesday now, right? new episodes of <i>Family Guy</i> on Wednesday nights, nobody's gonna remember to look us up, people work Wednesdays, the ratings will tank, no one's watching. even more so. this quality show. Fox said i needed to lose 50 pounds. studios suck. shoulda just moved our little show to Sundays at 7PM...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: oh look, it's one of those mall chiropractor's.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: no i'm in here. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you're looking green in the gills and supine, Mardith, what happened?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: i'm on my back. as usual. i should be evergreen in the gills. i'm sick. see i've been manifesting the wrong way. manifested wrong. i thought it was just magic dropping on your lap and you didn't have to work for it. you actually have to WORK at getting a better life for yourself. hard work 24/7.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i know, right? i feel ya. it's the WORK thing that's hard about life. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: nothing comes from magic, dearies. trust me i've tried. chance romantic encounters hurt, Hollywood meet-cutes are bunk, you actually have you work to get a date.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joanna Newsom is strumming the harp at the automatic-doors entrance to Circuit City.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: when we die and go to Heaven, Joanna Newsom will meet-and-greet us at the Pearly Gates and she'll be playing that same churchy harp. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joanna Newsom: it's not ageist, it's the truth, right, Jon Stewart? Gavin my uncle and everyone's daddy would make a fine leader, he actually kills it in debates...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Meloni: he's more of a zaddy than i am.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gavin Newsom: the waiting is the hardest part...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: hey what were you doing on Baltimore Beach all alone?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i cannot lie to you, i was trying to search for that topless woman in that Where's Waldo puzzle.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no need to apologize, i understand. it's a gamer's completionist thing. tabletop games.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce inside the indoors Circuit City restaurant: when they cook the bacon here, it comes out like a crispy vagina. i want a meaty vagina.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: that could be a flower's pistil, dear...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: hold tight, i'm going into THAT rock store to make you something no woman has ever given you before...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dan Souza: add a bay leaf. don't skip that part.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Skip Bayless: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dan Souza: i said we're entering Veggie Land, not VeggieTales, okay?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Naruto: as a kid i lived alone in that apartment in the Leaf Village like a second-year Berkeley student...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Irish bar: get your football kicks in here before it's too late, cuz soon it will be.........March.........and nobody wants to do their NCAA Tournament brackets in an Irish bar...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">farmer: you didn't think i knew what the word "plethora" meant, huh?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">James Gandolfini sitting in a Don's Plum booth: the continuation of Tony Soprano's story is left to the viewer's imagination. i can tell you from my end that Tony's future wasn't good.........real-life black screen...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: dear, the Shinnecock Sisters on Weather Channel, why don't they make a show about THEM?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: no one would watch, dear, shows have to be men-driven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hiawatha: not to mention the Native American experience exposure...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Arthur the King</i>: '80s Benji in 2025...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Benji: if it wasn't for me, Lassie wouldn't have been famous...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">a rainbow is a circle: Flat Earthers HATE this...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">District Attorney Jack McCoy out of Manhattan gets ready to film his <i>Amazing Stories </i>episode "Mirror Mirror" way on the other side of the country at that famous house.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">DA Jack McCoy: i wasn't going to pass up a chance to be directed by Martin Scorsese!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Scorsese: call me Jack. you're a veteran, man, you know your lines and your marks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">McCoy: yeah but this is a BIG-ASS mansion of a home. your home?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin: me and Burt Reynolds swap on weekends. wives, too.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: there's that house again!!! if Frank Gehry designed a spaceship...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">McCoy: you've never seen Jack McCoy like THIS before!!! surly, angry, not very judicious and law-abiding and orderly, biting orderlies' heads off.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: telling a sweet clumsy novice of a writer who spilled all his written pages while trespassing to LEARN TO TYPE!!! both heartless AND sexist!!! as an aspiring writer i didn't appreciate that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">McCoy: not to mention you see me naked. my bare chest. you see my well-manicured toes. AND you see an important attorney in the City brushing his teeth, a very intimate act.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: i mean look at that BATHTUB!!! that is a thing of Classical BEAUTY!!! a true mosaic LUSH tub. it just needs some Princeton vines. with the ancient Roman vessels of Neutrogena Rain shampoo on the shelves. to have this in your bathroom...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: and the stained-glass over your head, very churchy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">McCoy: McCoy is always nonplussed and calm under pressure, unfazed under his blazers, here you see McCoy screaming at the top of his lungs and carrying on like a crazed banshee. did you love it when i gave it to that cop who was just a security guard with a mustache under the Sherman Oaks Galleria parking lot gate-arm? seeing things in my mind's eye.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Scorsese: i love in-depth visual examinations of man going nuts...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Helen Shaver: for the first and last time, no i don't shave down there, i'm Canadian. i dipped my toe so far into all this great anthology sci-fi horror fantasy stuff i ended up being one of the progenitors of <i>The Outer Limits</i>!!! the good '90s Canadian series. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Scorsese: i tried to get you two lovebirds into a real naked love scene but Steven was having none of it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spielberg: family show. at 8PM.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Scorsese: so i did the next best thing, i got Helen and Sam kissing in bed.........clothed...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tim Robbins: you see the strange tall gangly monster before you i cut with my profile here in mirrors and eye irises? i look like the priest from <i>The Exorcist </i>AFTER Satan possessed his face!!! this monster face is what Susan Sarandon was looking at while she made love to me on our honeymoon, i was so embarrassed...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Cavett: you look like Father Guido Sarducci of <i>SNL</i> on a speedball, which was every breakfast.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: do you have a crush on Jack McCoy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: yes. but only when he's ready to retire.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Cavett: why did i have to interview all the assholes? g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz at the strip mall is on a weightlifting block at a weightlifting shack.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you don't have to do this to yourself, Lindy!!! you don't have to put all that WEIGHT on your shoulders!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Scorsese wearing Body Glove in Baltimore trunks: she ain't heavy, she's my sister...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: here let me spot you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: thanks. long time, eh? life has been LIFEY lately.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: and you are a wordsmith.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: female seminary, i'm all for it, there should have been Catholic priestesses from the start.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Pope: right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Modelo: let's have a commercial with an all-girls tagging crew on junkyard cars cuz women don't drink our beer and we need our chicas drunk and having a good time, too.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arcee from the Transformers: carousing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">women: so if we graffiti we can only use pink-paint spray cans?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: when i walk, it's not like i'm doing this because i'm on parole or something, i have to fulfill my parole or anything...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Olympics: the Ozempic Olympics...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen fashions for me a PHOENIX NECKLACE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: red phoenix-shaped glass, very churchy. in between pooka shells and walnuts, it's very Islands...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i give Jen the most non-sexual heartening heartfelt kiss on the lips a man could ever offer a woman.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: OH MY GODDESS THIS IS NICE!!! nobody's ever done anything like this for me before. i shall wear this phoenix necklace with pride EVERYWHERE ON MY NECK: to the movies, to Chipotle, to the dentist's, when i'm sleeping and sexing, underwater in a tub and in the ocean, when i'm cloudbusting with Kate Bush, and in my grave like a good goth. you're the best, you know that? i just want you to hear it from me firsthand directly as we look eye-to-eye that you are in fact the best human who ever lived, Jen R. i just want you to know that if it all collapses tomorrow.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you're welcome. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i thought it was gonna be a blowjob.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: nah that's old hat. i'm just an old hag knitter, you know? i sleep everyday from 3PM to 6PM. let's watch <i>The Killing Fields </i>together now at the corner cinema, i'm feeling morby this afternoon...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-13429218041008291292024-03-04T10:45:00.000-08:002024-03-04T17:39:16.369-08:00BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: THE BERKELEY SUBURBS LOOK LIKE ANCIENT GREECE<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI8L-OcstQKe7At4aIax84dxEKJ1bqhIYzkSt_5noZZKHIFN5uqWH5eHmtIrlCJ2dtJatg3c8qt7N_pyywK0iwWiEx5H-3e6dkRS2R9r7w4o9iF-lf_xcQkvrUGqQxiYg4sJjHG5jcBtn7yl90MtN24mNc83g8tKebAai2zeieE8CJuSmgfG5r4Sc-Wbo/s960/Kc1kmxgHhaVhA8Pz.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="600" data-original-width="960" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI8L-OcstQKe7At4aIax84dxEKJ1bqhIYzkSt_5noZZKHIFN5uqWH5eHmtIrlCJ2dtJatg3c8qt7N_pyywK0iwWiEx5H-3e6dkRS2R9r7w4o9iF-lf_xcQkvrUGqQxiYg4sJjHG5jcBtn7yl90MtN24mNc83g8tKebAai2zeieE8CJuSmgfG5r4Sc-Wbo/w400-h250/Kc1kmxgHhaVhA8Pz.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: ready to wake up early again?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i mean i haven't woken up to go to a job in like 35 years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: the stage is new, it's located at the corner of THIS olive tree.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i have to admit, me walking through those GLORIOUS Berkeley suburban woods is gonna be DISTRACTING, i am BLINDED by all this Ancient Greek tree architecture. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: just don't be late, i pulled some strings to get you into that playwright class.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i arrive late for the first day of school.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: sorry i'm late. i haven't had to deal with "school" in like 35 years. i had to buy a toga on the way...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare with a 5 o'clock shadow: you gotta work. you gotta work, man, my shit didn't come easy. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: are you my professor?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: aye and i hate teaching. i'd rather be writing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i feel ya, teach, i don't actually want to go to school, you know? i'm sure at the end of this term we're gonna have to write a BIG-ASS ESSAY or a full play that will be GRADED for our FINAL GRADE, that sullies the art from the start.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: what would you like to do, Mr. Man? Mr. Old Man? in a perfect world, which IS achievable...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: can we just forget the school part? the school part sucks. can i just spend my days writing plays leisurely on my own? whiling away the sun thinking up monologues, discerning dialogues, and going grocery shopping?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: aren't you an actor? as well?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: an actore, yes. aspiring. aspiring actor. or an actress, i don't judge. i love to act, when it's fun, not when it's graded on diction and arm placement. after a while even acting starts to become a grind when you have to memorize TOO MANY lines...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: my boy, i'm just wondering, have you ever been a trash man?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data: i wasn't advocating violence, i merely stated the historical fact that Ireland reunifies into one country in 2024. there is no more Northern Ireland...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Picard stuns Data with a phaser.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Picard: that's some bullshit, robut. i was IN the Troubles, man, i saw the carnage!!! i had to CREATE some of that carnage to get away!!! the fires singed the hair off my bald head!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Green Day: we weren't really there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data: phasers on stun my shiny metal ass. look, i did this all for one thing: what does Guinness taste like?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Picard: rocket fuel.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data: so it tastes like my pee. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the mart Jen R and i are dancing in the aisles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: oh this is perfect, see i've been trying to wean off Coke, looking for a new taste.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: don't put vanilla in Coke.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: see that 12-box of Pepsi on that shelf over there? i dedicate it to you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: take a taste of that Pepsi, does it taste like Lana Del Rey's pussy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it tastes like pussy which is enough.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: you're a good provider, instead of a family car we have a family jet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Fugelsang: my wife is charming...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories </i>"Lane Change".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kathy Baker: why is the steering wheel on the right side of the car? they didn't have to use makeup to make me look younger for my watery wedding-vision sequence, i was already young, it was the '80s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Priscilla Pointer: look at that sign: CLOSED---SORRY WE MISSED YOU, you don't see that type of hospitality anymore. only in the South...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: a lot of women are having their first baby at age 40.........why are you looking at me like that?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you have a biological clock, i just had a wasted life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Fugelsang: i'm Bob Saget now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Snoopy: i love when it's raining but there's still music at The Barnyard. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Woodstock: me too, i love that cold jazz. you didn't think i could talk either, huh, blood?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Snoopy: i'm a bloodhound.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marcie takes off her glasses revealing her white eyes: CCC, Connie cough cure.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Peppermint Patty: why do you call me sir? i'm a woman, not a man. i'm not a lesbian, i'm only gay for you, Marcie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Premier League: the whole story? no, the Hull story...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Haaland: that header was a sitter...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi and Madame Pons are on a date at the Forest McDonald's in Pacific Grove.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: okay so the Japanese manga on this brown McDonald's bag is SO GOOD it's a collector's item!!! i mean this stuff is better than the New Voltron. this is making me less sad about the long wait before we get that new season of <i>JoJo's Bizarre Adventure</i> on Toonami...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: but you're still crying.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: no those are tears from the WcDonald's Sauce. it's burning the roof of my mouth like the dentist and i'm lovin' it. but it's not as hot as you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons, heart-eyes: can I call you Talkshow?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi, heart-eyes: anything you want, lover.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: on our next date let's get Holiday Pie and the McRib on the menu all year round...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Timothee Chalamet: is the sauce hotter than me? is the spicy sauce spicier than me? cuz i come from the desert not dessert lands of <i>Dune</i> Spice...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Janet Leigh: the best part about doing <i>The Manchurian Candidate</i>? i got to hang out with Frank Sinatra in Las Vegas. Shecky Greene shiv'd me in the back of a dark Vegas alley, but we became friends after. i thought Tony Curtis was a gangster, he looked like a gangster...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i just want to return to UCLA summers in the '80s with my drama coach who looked like Julie Andrews as she sang that Barbra Streisand song "It's for the children, the children" to lullaby us to sleep.........it was a sleepaway camp...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Falling Star": the official song for this episode is Heart "Alone"...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">maltipoo: a dog who enjoys chocolate malts by the soda-jerk shoppe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hunter S. Thompson: if i had gone into gonzo pornography instead i'd still be alive today...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joey Fisher: i was EVERYWHERE in the '90s. every sitcom, drama, and late-night talk show. then i COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carrie Fisher: at least you're still here. instead of in space like i am. what kind of name is Joely, anyway?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Angelina Jolie: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robotyne: Ukraine will rise again. Slava Ukraine and rebuild. and this will be the site of the new Robotech metropolis...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: shouldn't you give your Aunt Cork a call? check in on her? see how she's doing? see if she's okay up there in Mammoth?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: why?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: 190 mph winds.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Enhanced Games: otherwise known as the Olympics no one will watch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bob Costas: but that's already the Regular Olympics!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Enhanced Games: the Honest Olympics no one will watch...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: walking in the rain is good for you, it clears out your sinuses, it unclogs your nostrils, you have phlegm again without Robitussin.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Kotter, Mr. Serling, Julie, Jen: thank you for not getting the black pimp coat WET...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Culinary Institute of America: we don't spy on you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: yeah you do, you know the color of my panties...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: whenever i come here all the Napa wine is gone!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: speaking of, there are a lot of brown-brick turret towers here, this place was obviously a monastery before...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the NFL Combine 40 run: more exciting than the Olympics 100-Yard Dash.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bob Costas: and i did MY 100-Yard Dash naked...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: dude what the FUCK?!!! what the hell was THAT this afternoon?!!! i heard about you through the grapevine.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: and Berkeley isn't even an Ivy League school.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: don't rub it in, Michael Weiss. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: i lent Shakespeare my ear and i found out about you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you got told by the thespian truth-teller? it's okay i'm still in the class. but i'm a Special Student. i've been granted special dispensation.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: yeah you're special alright, a special headcase.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i don't want to go to class. i don't want to attend lectures. i don't want to earn credits. i don't want to WORK, i want to WRITE. i'm sorry for any extra strings you pulled, we'll make up for it in BDSM.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: because of you i can't walk, all my shoelaces are gone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'll get you some Skechers at the Berkeley Foot Locker, that place is ALWAYS EMPTY, nobody goes there. in the meanwhile can you extend the most important string of all, the Red String of Fate?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><br /><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-57198543172930308692024-03-01T10:00:00.000-08:002024-03-01T19:37:38.664-08:00SOME LIKE IT HOT: THE UKULELE UNICORN<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhE6DaLKPlI7fVkIr_B-O7_day2MRjTXJCmp_jQCsHXH6C-yTtgwr_N6T7CwYY1_6TbBZNuOBVRgmT7sPQAeI_ZE1g3bF3TC6LqsjuUoIzF3McqchEdbmnoGaOqGRrv1KlCIazlIkUAnoC-LLD73OGgsrh4-WaEV9aIGc_AmudCLpA6HuuE49YDiCYHt5E/s1264/0c0a6fdc10bc0008319d7a4bb5191653.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_sbMjzfhJKb2Df1SQGwGANyLFr47Du5bdGnma2TwDyTqJ41FFNDAMPiHYCGzeL8tmgVzO9TMJ-FbQOPUOe5KorV8sMVqKN49mu_ttaV-UiFI6jNyl4fWMZ76KgJehu6T7DRhr5E5K55KpWbAiFYhSh46_o-_bWIHixDdHNhsp8AsNS75I9vRJXQ3TH7o/s1920/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1920" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_sbMjzfhJKb2Df1SQGwGANyLFr47Du5bdGnma2TwDyTqJ41FFNDAMPiHYCGzeL8tmgVzO9TMJ-FbQOPUOe5KorV8sMVqKN49mu_ttaV-UiFI6jNyl4fWMZ76KgJehu6T7DRhr5E5K55KpWbAiFYhSh46_o-_bWIHixDdHNhsp8AsNS75I9vRJXQ3TH7o/w400-h225/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0Kh9bmF1T7E7CrYKt3T-Em7jjG1uDkakrnrbr98kOvSx9fsNFWOhWzqT369f_CICovqmn_9nvylDnGLmUnN0EHx_vjDyNBHtus5cjtycelJ39F5d50hs0-Sv-dLEpDVZFAsIl_DytuLYqHkPng7XmZgc5XZp7vGPaxXgCj2T9Wc5zSg6M98T8sgaffCM/s900/004somhotflshbk4.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="900" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0Kh9bmF1T7E7CrYKt3T-Em7jjG1uDkakrnrbr98kOvSx9fsNFWOhWzqT369f_CICovqmn_9nvylDnGLmUnN0EHx_vjDyNBHtus5cjtycelJ39F5d50hs0-Sv-dLEpDVZFAsIl_DytuLYqHkPng7XmZgc5XZp7vGPaxXgCj2T9Wc5zSg6M98T8sgaffCM/w400-h300/004somhotflshbk4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: how do you pronounce onahole?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: yeah i'd like to know, too. for my records.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: i'm going to see<i> Dune 2</i> tonight...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Moe from The Three Stooges wearing a pigskin for a helmet with sewed-on flyboy flaps: couldn't you see it in your heart? couldn't you envision ME? ME.<b> I </b>could be the Commissioner of the NFL in the 1930s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">football: in the '30s i was made from donkey butter.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R in the Berkeley Library: the Tears for Fears song "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video has that <i>Chico and the Man</i> energy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me at the Berkeley Library: the Nine Inch Nails music video for "The Perfect Drug" has that <i>Interview with the Vampire </i>vibe. that Edwardian boy was in the "Closer" music video, too, right?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">green absinthe: perfect for nasal drip...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Shelton: i'm into cupping. and no i've never ONCE sipped from a red frat cup.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: cupping is kinky.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Naruto: it's like blood chakra.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Novak Djokovic: i'm into sucking. with suction cups.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: what'd you do for Leap Day?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i didn't know that WAS Leap Day until you reminded me of it just now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: so you didn't turn into Kermit the Frog like i did?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">shedding virus: when the cold comes to you, you start getting a runny nose, that is a glorious day, it means it's not with mom anymore.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dove: i'm lonesome because peace is hard...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">social climber: that little Alpine hiker in that <i>Price Is Right </i>game...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: you never see this on <i>Check Please</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">foodie #1: the risotto from the place YOU recommended was drier than your cunt, you old windbag!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">foodie #2: the tiramisu from YOUR restaurant was soggier than your butthole.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">foodie #3: wine sucks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gordon Ramsay: PBS banned me for life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richard Scarry: instead of reality's scary world, try my Scarry world...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie Harry in<i> Hairspray</i>: look at my hair, that is the greatest coiffure of hair you will EVER see in your lifetime.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JoJo: bizarrely i agree.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie Harry: of course i'm in <i>Hairspray</i>, i'm Debbie Hair-y...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Drea de Matteo: for me, five minutes in Macy's is like a day at Macy's. i better hurry before Macy's closing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hallway Series: Lakers vs. Clippers is interesting now because the Clippers are good. but when are we gonna get new episodes of <i>Degrassi </i>starring Wheels?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">resolution: cough's worst enemy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories</i> "Lane Change".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: starting off EXACTLY like <i>Duel</i> <i>(1971)</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kathy Baker: Studebaker, Kathy Baker, makes sense.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: the older woman Priscilla Pointer IS Kathy Baker if she hadn't divorced, i'm calling it now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: thought it was that crazy sledgehammer-to-the-leg lady Kathy Bates from Stephen King's <i>Misery</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stephen King: how come we've never worked together, Steven?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spielberg: George Lucas.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kenny Chesney: why does my singing voice sound like They Might Be Giants?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Donald Sutherland: COPD? Trelegy? nah. i breathe fine. i can't breathe when i see my son Kiefer cuz i NEVER see that boy anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">shigella: as the <i>Real World </i>/ <i>Road Rules </i>man said, "small penis, clean penis..."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mental health: it's not just a California thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i love avocados but i've never had avocado toast...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Princess Diana sprays Sure Unscented Armpit Spray into her armpits.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Princess Diana: my fucking pits are burning!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: how soon you forget. remember when i always said that? that was my catchphrase. how soon you forget, Di. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keram: i'm Karn Malicki-Sanchez. how soon you forget. from <i>Garbage Pail Kids</i>, remember? look into my eyes, i'm not a musician, i'm a magician...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage:<i> Some Like It Hot</i> and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Monroe: so you FINALLY watched a movie that <b>I </b>ACTUALLY starred in!!! ME!!! not Ana de Armas, not Michelle Williams, ME, the genuine article MM.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lana Del Rey: one day i need to play Marilyn Monroe, right?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gallagher: this is considered the greatest comedy of all time. i'm not hating, i'm being objective here, it was just okay. it was ALRIGHT. BEST COMEDY EVER?!!! i don't know about that...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy Wilder: the weird thing was this was done in 1959, there was color film at that time, but the studio wanted it to be in black-and-white cuz they said Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis as broads had a weird ghoulish skin tone in color. were their faces really green like <i>The Munsters</i>?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lily Munster: i DEFY you when you tell me i'm not hot!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy: what was the last black-and-white film anyway?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lily Munster: you would have scared off audiences with those women...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy Wilder: let's face it, this offering of mine is nowhere NEAR the sumptuous, glamorous, grand, head-scratching, noir-juicy, sophisticated, monkey butler, pool-ponderous masterpiece thinkpiece that is my <i>Sunset Blvd.</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy: <i>Sunset Blvd</i> is <i>Hamlet</i> and this is <i>Gidget</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Celine: was this based on a French play? ALL Hollywood films are based on French plays...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Monroe: call me what you will but i singlehandedly DESTROYED that fucking Hays Code!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jean Harlow: thank you, Miss Marilyn.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Lemmon: why am i always in a swing band in every movie? i call my double-bass Betsy the mortadella machine gun, Talky Tina the Tommy gun on toast...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Lemmon: be patient with me, i have Generalized Anxiety Disorder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony Curtis: i don't, hence why i'm a ladies' man.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: why do we have to play in a speakeasy during Prohibition? wouldn't it be safer to play at a Macy's? why is the gangster who owns OUR speakeasy Toothpick instead of Sausage?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: oh God, is this the REAL Valentine's Day Massacre?!!! i think i'm gonna be sick.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: take an antacid. or a yogurt bar like my five-year-old daughter Jamie Lee keeps harping on about.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">odd-jobs office.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: hey you got any odd jobs for us, sweetheart?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">secretary: the usual. replacing a gigantic window pane while avoiding stepping in a bucket of wet cement. but The Three Stooges took that one.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: why do they call you Sweet Sue?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sweet Sue: cuz i eat pussy like nobody's business.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: society syncopators, what's that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sweet Sue: we do Nine Inch Nails synthesiser recitals for David Beckham.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: Sugar Kane? you're from Hawaii?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Monroe: well we're going to Miami which is the same as Hawaii NOW, no ugly politics, just a great place, an oasis for sand and sunshine and doing the Lindy hop in an empty ballroom.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: oh yeah, i keep forgetting this takes place during the 1920s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Blanche from <i>Golden Girls</i>: it's one of those new health clubs that have sprung up all around the country dotting the highways...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: hey where's your ukulele?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: in my vagina. if you know what i mean. are you enjoying my ukulele performance?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: the swing of the hips, i get it now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn in the ocean: you have no tits and muscular bodies, i envy you girls.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: we make ugly women.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: yeah, we're no competition to you, doll, don't worry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: i need a GIANT shell to be Venus. get it? Shell Oil.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">bellboy: i got the doorman's key, let's make a night of it, sweetums.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: kid, aspire higher. instead of ending up another standard masher, aspire to be in a Wes Anderson film...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: i'm trying to affect a Cary Grant accent here with my voice, how am i doing? he was Australian, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: what's with this BIG-ASS BEACH UMBRELLA?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: F. Scott Fitzgerald was here. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: i'm looking for a gentle bespectacled millionaire. you know, like my husband Arthur Miller.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Hotel del Coronado: EVERYTHING was filmed here!!! <i>Somewhere</i> <i>in Time</i>!!! this is the Eagles' Hotel California!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn doing some light beach reading: <i>Marilyn Monroe and her bosom companions. oh brother, newspapers these days, am i right? just don't get political. not referring to you two boobs, Jack and Tony, but MY two boobs...</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the train back to Chicago...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: time for Pictionary and polishing toes, girls!!! who brought the melted Gruyere? who brought the triangular grape slushes?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: aren't trains meant for sex? the cabin cars are so CRAMPED what else are you gonna do? isn't that why it's called a CABOOSE? can i tell you my deepest darkest secret?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack, sweating: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: i've never had sex.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: you pretty girls have it easy in life, you buxom bombshells just pick the richest man and live on easy street. the platinum portal.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: i'd be more impressed if you started building electric cars NOW in the 1920s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood Fielding III: wanna fuck?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: yes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: oh shit.........that completely deflated everything.........the chase is over, the whole point is the chase, the only point is the chase...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: your mother LOVES me!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: i hate my life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dan Fielding at a <i>Gilligan's Island</i> drydock: UNCLE OSGOOD!!! i learned EVERYTHING about women from this man!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the partyboat houseboat yacht.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: wait hold on, nothing like this EVER happened when i was at Princeton!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: is this yacht made with the wood from a burned monastery?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: i dunno but i got wood that just burned out. you gotta do me in my time window, i'm a one-minute man.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Janet Leigh: you can keep him, honey, one blonde to another...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: psychological trauma has left me impotent and frigid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: only women can get frigid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: i'm a woman...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: what happened? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: i've seen things. i saw Artax trapped sinking down a Shell Oil spill. Artax was my Vietnam...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: so what? i fucked Nostradamus and he told me that World War III is DEFINITELY gonna happen...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">La Cumparsita: not as dirty as it sounds...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: you can't marry Osgood!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: he CARES about me, Tony, nobody's ever CARED about me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: the body parts don't work!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: it's not about sex, it's about love. we'll never have sex and Osgood will still brandish that creepy long rubberman Joker clay smile of his...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Friends of Italian Opera banquet-hall longtable.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">gangsters: we come together as opera-lovers to celebrate the lives of those poor mooks who we rubbed out in a hail of Tommy-gun bullets. it's hailing inside, gentlemen, wear your overcoats. make sure they all get a proper Catholic burial with a gay priest.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on the phone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: but i'm in love with you. who's in Venezuela?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: Messi.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">on stage.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: why is it that no man can resist a torch singer?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Lynch: preach, man, peach. and i'm not religious.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony: i must kiss you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: oh my God!!! i understand now!!! i'm a lesbian!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack and Tony: let's do this chase scene <i>Scooby-Doo</i>-style, running in and out of six closets. and then we'll take the elevator and exit strategically into that lobby that looks like the <i>Bosom Buddies</i> hotel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn on the bed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: i am so suicidally happy when i'm with you two men.........come on!!! why did <b>I</b> have to use THAT word?!!! that is so fucking CRUEL...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">motorboating to get away...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: i don't get it, why doesn't my broad smile attract the broads?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tina Louise: hey is this thing going to Gilligan's Island? i fittingly play Marilyn Monroe in the Broadway version of this...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: you don't want me, man. i'm infertile.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: is that contagious from Tony's impotency? IVF EXPLODED in the 1920s!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: i smoke.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: me, too, cloves. the ones with the <i>Garbage Pail Kids</i> comics wrapped around the cigarette.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: i'm a man, okay?!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Osgood: well, nobody's perfect.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gallagher: okay that was a GREAT ENDING LINE, i admit that, i admit that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy Wilder: you know Arthur Miller was a pain in my stanky ass all throughout the shooting of this. he'd hover around Marilyn on set making sure she didn't get wet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arthur Miller: hey man, i'm a fucking WRITER!!! if <b>I </b>make changes to the script, that MEANS SOMETHING!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy: fucking writers, annoying as hell. annoying as all get-out. g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller in bed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Monroe: IT'S ME, SUGAR!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arthur Miller: why did you shout that RIGHT as i was about to cum?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn: do we have a child yet? do we have a family yet? is my life finally stable?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the fire: in honor of that hot jazz, that hot improvisational jazz, i'm gonna order the first thing that pops on the TV from an Arby's commercial...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jazz Age Arby's: back in the 1920s we still used beef tallow. two shakes of a lamb's tail. we don't put lamb in our shakes. two of our shakes are colder than two shakes of Marilyn Monroe's rump. the new Rump Sandwich!!! not available on DoorDash!!! has that dulled taste of train food...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-50207840796740252082024-02-28T10:09:00.000-08:002024-02-28T18:43:13.382-08:00MASH THE GUAC<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV83mS3XzzUl25vMWc6xqYk97ii7u0ecbRcOaLukfzJ45URRXR0QbCju6ednwSvgm9My4n20jpejdoPhHGywfY8PPvLIpiFHWZxOh0lLTBFHc4FlRlnGKPjVozu4KJ73GugS0WyWmar9VZ6fS_cTVIbtU-1frS3rpyRbIvHPVE0DaHJxTi5UX9CLGZGLs/s1024/University_of_Denver_campus_pics_107.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="768" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhV83mS3XzzUl25vMWc6xqYk97ii7u0ecbRcOaLukfzJ45URRXR0QbCju6ednwSvgm9My4n20jpejdoPhHGywfY8PPvLIpiFHWZxOh0lLTBFHc4FlRlnGKPjVozu4KJ73GugS0WyWmar9VZ6fS_cTVIbtU-1frS3rpyRbIvHPVE0DaHJxTi5UX9CLGZGLs/w400-h300/University_of_Denver_campus_pics_107.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX8saLeTtOgUrrzB9wauDe9XfZpdE0ox4dLmgrlo0qLf1KzN0SFVpMJ0L2a-1Wa_sDVkNzAncZqLA5VImZH5T9SmqZ63axV-gB3e4T3KLw8KQoe_BBxW45Lm1feBC6ghZYdtEbPUh6CcVXtXhfRC47tGeCcEMjJy9vXBzJtYPnl43FtTpAF2-YCP6_vt4/s1199/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1199" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiX8saLeTtOgUrrzB9wauDe9XfZpdE0ox4dLmgrlo0qLf1KzN0SFVpMJ0L2a-1Wa_sDVkNzAncZqLA5VImZH5T9SmqZ63axV-gB3e4T3KLw8KQoe_BBxW45Lm1feBC6ghZYdtEbPUh6CcVXtXhfRC47tGeCcEMjJy9vXBzJtYPnl43FtTpAF2-YCP6_vt4/w400-h300/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkUzzyKwtyUYK_f1zyQVDLQN5iMlHzwvg_90PT4ukGcalEX2mKNEt75Q_ML2ILJulYZlGo7eZRv1VosaYRPAnffhz5EDI6E3bCU7XF5GZPTWP5NY3zlRGY-YsyugIniQ1reSGQ6eTmSTtBpS889Xkr8DxmmTk2L3hNlW3OmXlMqmLucKIV6apUHIltyTM/s1000/MV5BYWM5YTQzNTktNDc4NS00ZmY4LTliMmQtMWY3MjFiNzczMDQ3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjE0MDExODE@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="742" data-original-width="1000" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjkUzzyKwtyUYK_f1zyQVDLQN5iMlHzwvg_90PT4ukGcalEX2mKNEt75Q_ML2ILJulYZlGo7eZRv1VosaYRPAnffhz5EDI6E3bCU7XF5GZPTWP5NY3zlRGY-YsyugIniQ1reSGQ6eTmSTtBpS889Xkr8DxmmTk2L3hNlW3OmXlMqmLucKIV6apUHIltyTM/w400-h296/MV5BYWM5YTQzNTktNDc4NS00ZmY4LTliMmQtMWY3MjFiNzczMDQ3XkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMjE0MDExODE@._V1_FMjpg_UX1000_.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpycLhpjBpsAzGgKyxoWDpDpgDbLON8Lgv2mgxjQ4SuNdVRZilHqG3LgpyNPxVrEH_d0yyY28SBfszSEdu6HT0wP_9lyodCd5uFGj5xGQF4vLMk3ZUBGrEAkMujM3zqsm00CFc6EkUiX3niflxw5xEyXGEtoewnjXACNf38ofJT8tBHzGM6j5Ty03OGCs/s1198/Amazing_Stories_-_Moving_Day_-_Stephen_Geoffreys_05.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1198" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpycLhpjBpsAzGgKyxoWDpDpgDbLON8Lgv2mgxjQ4SuNdVRZilHqG3LgpyNPxVrEH_d0yyY28SBfszSEdu6HT0wP_9lyodCd5uFGj5xGQF4vLMk3ZUBGrEAkMujM3zqsm00CFc6EkUiX3niflxw5xEyXGEtoewnjXACNf38ofJT8tBHzGM6j5Ty03OGCs/w400-h300/Amazing_Stories_-_Moving_Day_-_Stephen_Geoffreys_05.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU3OpYobcZvXWRgHCkHYiwmn6mXY_lcp8nWFpdM9CfzXnf8z0oepudjkTHbkaYvT2Iek-pwJRxkF5IhVMjS35iQIfMmF3bhBXzfGVyH-GlbJNaid4c8vvJnhDHvJhsKqOL_GxUSDPD5geCB4RHXLdDS-cSa89Av6GCH6zlf72Xr2cp6Z2y8zgOx0VgIpw/s1203/Amazing_Stories_-_Moving_Day_-_Stephen_Geoffreys_02.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1203" height="299" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjU3OpYobcZvXWRgHCkHYiwmn6mXY_lcp8nWFpdM9CfzXnf8z0oepudjkTHbkaYvT2Iek-pwJRxkF5IhVMjS35iQIfMmF3bhBXzfGVyH-GlbJNaid4c8vvJnhDHvJhsKqOL_GxUSDPD5geCB4RHXLdDS-cSa89Av6GCH6zlf72Xr2cp6Z2y8zgOx0VgIpw/w400-h299/Amazing_Stories_-_Moving_Day_-_Stephen_Geoffreys_02.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnfGC9ihyphenhyphen2pQ_kIh2_9s_rgFi5pCWkOLIGgNP4cJpTOTiPP_5UjiFa99Orp5fOG6JsTbf-GY1vHXa2rQ1tUV6gxLXTGybepaVgTRd4UszJts-gKUg7Vh1qdhqbVhyphenhyphenU9xR0afl0HQeRLcaRtnmb6Iz7NUml3GQ0zVDGX9GNi8WLSbzCAqSOlHCOX8Y-MvM/s600/239876fa2396f140_w.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="338" data-original-width="600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnfGC9ihyphenhyphen2pQ_kIh2_9s_rgFi5pCWkOLIGgNP4cJpTOTiPP_5UjiFa99Orp5fOG6JsTbf-GY1vHXa2rQ1tUV6gxLXTGybepaVgTRd4UszJts-gKUg7Vh1qdhqbVhyphenhyphenU9xR0afl0HQeRLcaRtnmb6Iz7NUml3GQ0zVDGX9GNi8WLSbzCAqSOlHCOX8Y-MvM/w400-h225/239876fa2396f140_w.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1c0I8lIjhezNUSIcsbTUhYQ4TjG8nVV5iHMMeyfpWBNn2J66r3AtbTGPkgMI6OUVfsQy9Ey6lV5TFJZm6KeKmDpm7E2R8Sy6BZUkT0KIlQ09nKTX6dGBSuz4bFAl4k7XaS2-ZepJOMhWGmiXOqW8YOmGzLZxbk6g6Xy3Lrhcza2ROmnPoWidoJOBtG78/s526/526x297.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="297" data-original-width="526" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh1c0I8lIjhezNUSIcsbTUhYQ4TjG8nVV5iHMMeyfpWBNn2J66r3AtbTGPkgMI6OUVfsQy9Ey6lV5TFJZm6KeKmDpm7E2R8Sy6BZUkT0KIlQ09nKTX6dGBSuz4bFAl4k7XaS2-ZepJOMhWGmiXOqW8YOmGzLZxbk6g6Xy3Lrhcza2ROmnPoWidoJOBtG78/w400-h226/526x297.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are exploring Downtown Berkeley, the newspaper district, when suddenly an irreplaceable SMELL enters my nostril and i can't look away.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: omg it's Chipotle. i've always wanted to work there ever since i discovered my love for avocados.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: all avocados come from Mexico.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but NOT guacamole, i'm weird like take, guac is horrid to me. but i would replace ALL SALADS with a bowl of avocado each dinner night if i could. that's how much i love the avocado, cubed into four squares, with a little lemon juice, Wishbone Italian dressing, and red-wine vinegar to boot. and pepper from the Beatles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's the TEXTURE of the avocado that's special. and appealing, be sure to peel off the Indiana Jones ball in the middle. the avocado slips right down your gullet, your tongue doesn't even get the chance to touch it!!! okay put on this apron, you're working Chipotle now, boy!!! after all, you gotta earn some spending cash on the side.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: yep. i'm a student-athlete now, again. my sport is the stage. still no free scholarship ride.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carmen Electra: i changed my name to my stage name. like EVERY Hollywood actor does. you just wanted an excuse to put my picture in your newspaper...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Adriana from <i>Sopranos</i>: meanwhile the story flying under the radar under the rug is i paid off my Hollywood mansion doing only ONE DAY of OnlyFans!!! who knew there was such a market for the old wizened broad on <i>The Sopranos</i> rather than the young nubile sleek and svelte Tony Soprano?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony Soprano: is Meadow still hot?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Erling Haaland: you were EARLY in your prediction of my demise...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Adam Sandler: do they make Marathon chocolate bars anymore? they look like LONG-ASS curly pretzel sticks like they serve at Subway now. like my curly hair. i have to run a marathon to get one? look at me, i'm in the best shape of my life. i mean do i HAVE TO star in the upcoming <i>Choco Taco</i> movie?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me, sweating: so it turns out work sucks. it's hard work. Chipotle is fun for the first few minutes then they get out that LARGE-ASS SHINY STERLING-SILVER BOWL and expect you to make guac FOR THE NEXT 8 HOURS. not even eating those stale tortilla chips helped.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: did they blitz you with 100 avocados in your apron'd lap?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i mean if i were able to MASH THE GUAC with my bare ungloved hands, that would have been fun. but i had to use that laborious silver MESH MASH tool to GRIND THE GUAC like a fucking drill. guac waffles would have been fun but my idea was rejected.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: let's have a spa day to get your mind off your inevitable firing. blitz your brain with distraction.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: yeah. i think i still have my old poo-stained dorm ticket for quarters tonight.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i was thinking you'd put us up at the Claremont Hotel & Spa, that iconic historic white spire tower building in the middle of Central Park campus. right? i mean wouldn't that be the most OPULENT way to do dorm life as a Berkeley student?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: okay but i'm a student again, no money, so we're squatters. as long as we're not seen walking to the ice machine with a bucket.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen and i are in the spa room under a blanket of bubbles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you have to be totally naked to allow the jetstream to enter ALL crevices. let's face it, if you were staying here you'd never go to class.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i hate that the weather isn't changing. my mom needs hot weather to recover. we still got two more fucking months of horrid cold-and-rainy weather, can you believe i'm saying this? i'm GOTH for fuck sake!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: everyone changes. even goths, not their clothes tho. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: i can't be naked. because if i don't wear at least ONE article of black on my body how would you know i was goth? i can't wear black fingernail and toe polish, i'm allergic. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen sees that my mouth is parched.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: here, break the plane with your spoon on this new cylinder of Lipton lemon-and-sugar iced-tea-mix powder. isn't that good? that FIRST WHIFF of FRESH POWDER.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sydney Sweeney at her <i>SNL </i>monologue: okay let's bring up the lights. that's right, i'm going old-skool Carol Burnett with this!!! let's have a little audience Q&A. WOW!!! as i see the whites of the eyes in this audience thanks to the BRIGHT-AS-FUCK lights, all the doughy faces, i'm noticing that everyone in the audience is a MIDDLE-AGED DAD. interesting...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the two of us are still in the tub.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: <i>Amazing Stories </i>"What If...?" and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i saw that one last night. i feel so bad for the little boy. i mean is Jake Hart not the MOST ADORABLE LITTLE BOY OF ALL TIME?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: a Spielberg staple.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i'd feel okay about my chances if i were him, i mean it's cool to have Gallagher as your star-spirit guide, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i like the twist in the script where the kid's not dead but rather hasn't been born yet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: the parents are assholes but i want their BED!!! right? with the <i>Star Wars</i> blue-glow neon light underneath, that's cool!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: as long as that's my bed, too. and for the record i would be DELIGHTED to have a little boy. hey have you noticed something?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: yep, it's the same futuristic house from that OTHER <i>Amazing Stories </i>episode "Moving Day"!!! i'd recognize that place anywhere!!! the outer-space mansion!!! what "the future" in the '80s looked like!!! i tried to buy it in the '80s but it was tied up in escrow hell by Burt Reynolds. my headcanon is that the boy from "What If...?" grew up to be Stephen Geoffreys in "Moving Day..."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen her wet-hair head underwater pops up to the surface. she's wearing wet wellies on her feet that look like a Santa elf's shoe with one bell on the tip.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: my brain is damp. i have one last bubble inspiration. Timothee Chalamet. right? it would be PERFECT CASTING if Timothee Chalamet were Peter Pan...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Garbage Pail Kids</i> cartoon: combining <i>Jaws</i> and<i> Titanic </i>like that, that was pretty cool, huh?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Len Carlson: i have the sweetest-sounding BOY'S voice of all time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sterling Holloway: you're TRYING HARD to imitate me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kirk Cousins rehabbing on a TENNIS COURT: cuz that's where the hard yards for a hardened NFL vet such as myself are done. i'm white and i have a gold grill in my teeth, my dentist recommended this for my bleeding gums.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dr. Vacc: dentists are fun, too...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Good Morning Football</i> woman: i'm not the regular woman here. why is this show on during the off-season? why am i wearing baked-potato pants? like my pants are silver tinfoil. i know i'm short but when do i stop being hot? as in hot potato.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sarah: i take care of everything. including old used cough-syrup bottles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hunter Biden: i'm being hunted. that's good wordplay.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen and i in the Berkeley mart riding our cart.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: throw that vanilla ice cream away!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: thanks. i keep forgetting. why do i always keep forgetting?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: the vanilla DAMPENS YOUR BRAIN, it's worse than downer pills. you're running with this low-energy rut in your head the rest of the day. no Vanilla Coke and for fuck sake no more root beer!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Essence Page: i'm a dentist. but fittingly i'm also the editor of <i>Essence</i> Magazine...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">DirecTV pigeons: sorry, we're not THOSE pigeons. no H Jon Benjamin, it's just me, Henry Winkler. i know you're disappointed, audiences have been disappointed with JUST ME ever since i left Fonzie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Starbucks at a college town, let's say it's Berkeley.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">girl student in the cafe: you know what? let's make it 2 Caramel Macchiatos.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">in the lecture hall.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">hot Indian girl student: girl you are so thoughtful!!! it's gonna be cool to have freedom from our parents for the first time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">girl student: yeah. i mean i really did this because you don't know this yet but you are going to be my first lesbian love...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Secret Whole Body Deodorant: it's okay to smell like a human.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i smell RIPE like a bad avocado.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Secret: from your pits to your bits.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: you can spray your vag? i do it in public. at the bus stop.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Secret: from your pits to your package.........sorry that's Lume with that annoying lady who comes on Toonami...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i got my pink grandma swatter at Kohl's...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: here's the thing with Olive Garden, i don't trust a man on a first date who doesn't order soup. i mean how can you not like minestrone soup? i want to see you ordering at least FOUR bowls of minestrone soup...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: mineSTRONE in STONE bowls at Medieval Times, it all makes sense now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simparica Trio: wait was this a commercial for <i>Dune</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">all dogs: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me at the Southwest Airlines Worst Bar Ever: yes i will gladly pay $200 for an ice cube if it means my soulmate the love of my life doesn't get on that plane!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: can i store my <i>Easy Rider</i> motorcycle on this plane?.........in the overhead compartment?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Charmin: toilet paper so soft it will make you secretly have a thing for Nero.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the two of us are still in the hot tub, our skins wrinkled like one old lady.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you know what's cool? that i "talk" with you everyday.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: well kind of. we text each other five sentences a day, that's kind of a relationship, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it makes me feel that we're a husband and a wife, telling the other about their day. i tell you about my day and you tell me about your day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i tell you where i am at all times.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: if this is an illusion i don't want to know...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you know i'm doing ketamine and when i'm under the influence of ketamine i'm clearheaded and i come to realize that life doesn't mean much, you know? it's all just kinda meaningless.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i know how you feel. except i'd never go the ketamine route, that stuff is scary for me. i never thought i'd go through life and meet someone who would say that to me. <b>I </b>would say that to <b>THEM</b> but not the other way around, that is meaningful. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-4351518555192778322024-02-26T10:38:00.000-08:002024-02-26T17:49:21.275-08:00BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: THE DREAM NEVER DIES<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP2z-vvi7ghvjv6OgqpKbVObPi8mEUV0M5rDh9pl3R4JvbFNl7y5HK_-FQG2Tk-gGOEoyE79sfIKiCXPfjb-VmHaB-qPdXhmquML3vYjKJ6OTiCKx-4jGspNiUmDiV43aMqTni-1lVkk2YXN4h_9B40x4U4KlKpcOgY-SppxP9KcRR5EMiEJPCw5vROKE/s3895/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="3895" height="124" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP2z-vvi7ghvjv6OgqpKbVObPi8mEUV0M5rDh9pl3R4JvbFNl7y5HK_-FQG2Tk-gGOEoyE79sfIKiCXPfjb-VmHaB-qPdXhmquML3vYjKJ6OTiCKx-4jGspNiUmDiV43aMqTni-1lVkk2YXN4h_9B40x4U4KlKpcOgY-SppxP9KcRR5EMiEJPCw5vROKE/w400-h124/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm going back to college.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: where have i heard this before?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: no seriously this time. i dunno. i just feel i have to DO something now, you know? no more excuses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: covid is over. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm REALLY starting to get bored. i have to go back and do it right this time, go in with a plan. i didn't have a plan before, i was rudderless and a waylaid wingnut. i should be studying Theatre, doing plays, writing plays.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i'll help you with that. when was the last time you acted?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i act all the time in my fantasies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: but, like, how are you gonna sustain yourself writing plays? writing plays can't be your JOB, that's an airy pipe dream, take it from me, i only survive cuz i have a mysterious trust fund.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: therein lies the rub. i'm not going back to Berkeley. per se. not the famous one, i'm attending Berkeley City College, that's a pubic college, right? it's free, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no shame in your game, that's very admirable. a degree's a degree, right? no one's gonna know, it says the word BERKELEY on the diploma, that's as far as anyone reads, you'll still be a hit at parties trying to impress your rich relatives. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i wish Aunt Cork would've helped me more...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork: money heals all wounds.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: so ready for a SECOND bombshell? second hammer? you can't stay at my place anymore.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i understand. that Island Treehouse was quite extravagant for two people anyway.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: yeah. my dad wants to cut it down for Amazon Rainforest scrapwood to erect a mall. he voted for Bolsonaro. don't you have an aunt or something who lives in the suburbs?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm thinking of one better...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the park. without a car.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i've been inspired by British TV lately. Ewen MacIntosh the original Keith on <i>The Office</i>, he was in that comedy troupe The Improverts.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: nice name.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i want to be in a creative group like that for once, a true-blue bonafide university comedy coven that uses blue humor and adult humor as in sophisticated intellectual humor and has college-aged women in it. i'm sick of writing alone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i want to see you thrive. what is your deepest desire in life?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: to have a wife who's also my mommy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: okay but like, career-wise?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i want to MONOLOGUE my way through life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits </i>"Balance of Nature".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Barbara Rush: i always wanted to do a Carlos Reygadas film...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">PG&E: we have to do rolling blackouts that last two days to prevent a power outage which lasts a year. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie Fitzgerald: what are you gonna do, huh? Carmel is pretty enough to endure this. it's not like any of us are gonna start giving Elon Musk MORE money.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Scarlett Johansson: i record my voice for use in anime now, just to piss everyone off...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: a corkscrew landed on my head. that's gotta mean something, right? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">seagull from the roof: i did it. because you need to learn to relax, Boc.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: walking weather is 70 to 80 so it's no fun, it JUST MISSES 69. as you know i'm not into tits so DD doesn't stand for big juicy Double-D titties, it stands for my father, Dad Denny's...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gordon Ramsay: is there anything more satisfying than Saturday Morning Soccer with a Sausage N Egg McMuffin in your gob?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cushing syndrome: it's crushing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Front Counter Custom: we here at the Jack in the Box in Berkeley go the extra mile to foster our gifted students' creativity. it's not fashioning the light-brown cardboard drink-holder into a balloon animal, it's putting our burgers and fries INSIDE a vintage tin jack-in-the-box from a carnival in Paris in 1923. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen and i are strolling around inside a tiny grey grocery cart that barely squeezes in the both of us rolling up down all around the narrow aisles of our local corner mart here at Berkeley. at 1 in the afternoon. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i mean this in the most scientific way possible: did your tits grow?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you don't fool me, you'd NEVER be a Science Major!!! you'd rather, i don't know, DROP OUT OF COLLEGE than study science!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it's still a hobby of mine tho. it's still my creed. i need it for those university quizzes on Saturday nights.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's a good thing this mart is right next to a bus bench. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what happened to our car?!!! i mean your car.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: the real DeLorean? mommy lent it out to Michael J. Fox for his one last ride.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i always did like your mother more than your father.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Old Spice on the shelf: see? we make Unscented spray, too...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: sex quest...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: sex questions before you get married?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: no, that PC game<i> Sex Quest</i>.<i> </i>for the Personal Computer...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: sigh.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">helado cart with orange slices frozen to the side of the water panel on the corner: the official start of Spring...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Barbecue Township, North Carolina: look at the map, it even looks like a pork cutlet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lana Del Rey: my pussy tastes like Pepsi-Cola. but i'm a switch, i'll try Coke. especially that new Coke Spice. speaking of, am i in <i>Dune</i>? it seems like if anyone should be in <i>Dune</i> it should be me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne Michaels: i mean have you EVER seen such a surreally bizarre thing in television history? you fire someone then that someone ends up HOSTING the show?!!! there must have been a clause in his termination contract...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Berkeley Film and Cell Institute.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: i have one more year to go...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: me, too. how hard could it be?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Walking Dead</i>: um, can we just let the whole <i>Walking Dead</i> thing DIE?!!! BOTH MEANINGS!!! seriously. just let it go, this franchise became a zombie DECADES ago...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Dragon's Lair</i> cartoon: i know this cartoon and <i>Smurfs</i> are both Medieval cartoons, but man this is nothing like <i>The Smurfs </i>in<i> </i>any manner of qualitative measurement of quality.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bertram the horse: imagine ACTUALLY being a knight in Medieval times.........imagine your day-to-day life in that knight job...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alfonso Cuaron in Mexico City: i got some extra black-and-white water in my fridge...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: that man was carrying a flattened paper hat of In-N-Out Burger fries!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Smoking Behind the Supermarket with You</i>: if <i>Lost in Translation </i>were a manga...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: smoking is allowed INSIDE Pic-N-Save, it was the '80s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chamberlain Coffee: makes a priest see Meggie as more than an Outback parishioner...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richard Chamberlain: i was not gay during <i>The Thorn Birds</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Meggie eating her own donut: church kitchens are fascinating, they hoard the best coffee down there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: witchcraft is such a dirty word. back in my day it was called demonry, such a gentle word.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Candace Bailey: my Whopper topping? green M&Ms that look like Nickelodeon slime of course!!! wasn't i in a Burger King commercial in the '80s with Seth Green when we were both 5-year-old kids?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i settle into my new apartment and living arrangements in the Berkeley suburbs.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alejandro: hey Pat.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i shake Alejandro by the collar in love.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i greatly admire you, Alejandro. i really do. you're my only friend in this cold cruel world, you're the only non-family person that i embrace physically with hugs. i wish i had your life, you work at the mart then you go on the bus cuz you can't drive back to your gated community, your life is so safe and secure, no drama, it's the best.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alejandro: i find that people don't see me any different because of my condition, in fact they embrace me MORE warmly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: everyone in bed!!! well not you, Alejandro, just Jen.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen knocks on the door.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P, shocked face with those puckered lips: oh i see!!! so THIS is why you wanted to move out!!! who is SHE?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R in bed: hi. i know your name is Jen, too, i can tell from your face you're a fellow Jennifer, we have a psychic connection.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: yeah. you know what, i'm not even mad, you don't have to explain, i actually understand. it's fine. it's fine. it's time, right? i can't ask you to make a sacrifice and then expect to not get burned.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it's time. but we're still college chums for life, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: i'm a college chump but you found YOUR Jennifer.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ken: a <i>Jeopardy</i> College Champ will be crowned soon during Spring Break...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: Jen R's gonna be the the Princess of Berkeley.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: i can see that on your face, Jen R, you'll fit right in and take over by noon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: and by moon. my naked butt. gimme gimme gimme gimme Gimme Chameleon...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: oh hi Alejandro.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alejandro: hey Pat.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen P: Alejandro, you, and me used to all work at the mart that summer BEFORE college. those were simpler innocent times. *rustling her white plastic grocery bag* anyway speaking of the mart i brought us all some Subway. of course i didn't think it was gonna be for FOUR people.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alejandro: let the four of us eat and be merry!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: oh that's cool i was just thinking about Subway, i want to try their new sides, i want to see what a Subway churro tastes like.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i need to taste that fucking chocolate-chip-cookie belt. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-74533607749360351462024-02-23T09:57:00.000-08:002024-02-23T19:23:27.028-08:00SHORT CIRCUIT: WHEN AI WAS CUTE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiltLbxytQFot2gfiEe60VPFpTy6ZrtXFZ4JKomq0vQOiU3xPiSTPBSt7E-l93PivFfSvATzB2wF7gjndszHdfLl2gozR4TZKa6MwPBOI_odvkThB-kMdUwTNfXi-7qZq0_Vka2_lCrWk9qN0tdds0fxMbNLKOinynktun2IJK8z7ECfrg0QRxnVBX_7H0/s723/short-circuit.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi88GxiHsfqEsbi5pA0uXs39GzaG08Ky8a5P_G3sB_WOkj0zu3DL1xO6Hy_Fs63KjhyphenhyphenSqg8zSFN0uBEwTgZ28mdT63vKvu_3GdLwMsTxX-4jt_oA-LxWR-m3CFLaxxZ8mSzjDxfOOOJpArdkFbplCl7YomfV47oJDao-_UVOcIcE7qYnz-FrMy1vLd0DEQ/s1280/zuSzB7yilzduxR1JjByTX5mFcpD.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="1280" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi88GxiHsfqEsbi5pA0uXs39GzaG08Ky8a5P_G3sB_WOkj0zu3DL1xO6Hy_Fs63KjhyphenhyphenSqg8zSFN0uBEwTgZ28mdT63vKvu_3GdLwMsTxX-4jt_oA-LxWR-m3CFLaxxZ8mSzjDxfOOOJpArdkFbplCl7YomfV47oJDao-_UVOcIcE7qYnz-FrMy1vLd0DEQ/w400-h225/zuSzB7yilzduxR1JjByTX5mFcpD.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sora AI: sure, but can Sora heal you when you're sick on the weekend? don't get sick on weekends, EVERY doctor's office is closed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chinese dragon: see? i told you i was real...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Skip Bayless: with my Abacus life insurance policy, i SQUANDERED $150 million.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad at the Berkeley Library Rotunda with a scarab beetle on his shoulder: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Berkeley Library Rotunda: THIS is the rotunda y'all should have been at, the rotunda of TRUE freedom, intellectual freedom.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: it was kurtains for me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">coughing through the night: RACING to the morning, CAN'T WAIT to hit 7:30AM on the clock to achieve sleeping through the night. to halt the hacking. to wind down the wheezing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Weezy from <i>The Jeffersons</i>: i never smoked. this ain't emphysema. bronchitis maybe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">coughing through the night: way to be, Sarah, you're a GENIUS!!! that humidifier is GENIUS!!! that humidifier is WET AND WARM!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luke Russert: a Vicks VapoRub humidifier to boot!!! the machine makes the Vicks VapoRub steam shower FOR YOU!!! into MIST. i'm back, baby!!! i'm back to where i can handle being in a non-Tai way...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: i'm breathing easy.........again.........especially at night...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ollie Wride: "Coughing in the Night with You," i wrote a non-Vicks Vaporwave song about that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: it's a tricky temperature, it's 69, you don't know whether or not to wear a jacket. or at least a windbreaker to protect your power. don't wanna be hit by a trash truck on the curb corner right on the dot at 7:30AM.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sarah: when you see 2 cars in the driveway, that brings peace.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Garbage Pail Kid</i>s cartoon: you need to have seen <i>Boxing Helena</i> to get the reference right there?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">William Shatner: the Private Moon Landing, yada yada yada. the real news here is that they're making NEW episodes of <i>Star Trek</i>!!! the '60s one with ME!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Balance of Nature".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie Lee Curtis: about old people but not about energy yogurt. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carl Sagan: a deeply philosophical episode about the flow of time. you're going there, <i>Outer Limits</i>? you're really going there? you're gonna have a gilf sex scene? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Barbara Rush: i'm space royalty!!! and a hot granny.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Outer Limits</i>: one thing's for sure, the nightmares on <i>Outer Limits</i> are VERY real...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bustamante: i'm very particular when it comes to telenovelas, i like my telenovelas Turkish.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: you a Picky Sue Got Married. you're not peculiar, you're particular. choosy moms choose JIF. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bustamante: will i ever be a mom? or just a sex object?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: we women can't have one without the other, that anime <i>Boogiepop Phantom </i>told us that. it's a good thing we goths are FRIENDS with Boogiepop Phantom. hell we CONJURED Boogiepop Phantom...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Short Circuit </i>and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail Nanjiani: so of course the character of Ben Jhaveri is DEEPLY DEEPLY DEEPLY offensive. i mean you look at that character today and you ask yourself, "what the FUCK were they thinking?!!!""</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pat Morita: and don't give me that "it was the '80s" crap, don't SULLY the grandeur of the '80s with YOUR fatal mistake!!! Mr. Miyagi is a symbol of unified crosscultural HOPE. you want me to go Mr. Miyagi on your ass?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Badham: i was still hung up on <i>WarGames</i>, i didn't get the ending nor the casting i wanted, it's a lifelong obsession of mine to correct this, i was distracted.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fisher Stevens: believe me, i am utterly sorry about this. no excuses, but i have to admit that i don't remember doing this part. no, seriously. i think i was doing codeine the ENTIRE time of being on set for this, i don't remember this character or doing any scenes with this character.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: so if we did this movie again and did it right, who would we cast? me, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kal Penn: well it would definitely NOT be Aziz Ansari.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: no of course not, it would NEVER EVER be Aziz, that's a given.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kal Penn: it would be me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: that opens up a whole OTHER tin kettle of curry fish. about seniority in the caste system. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dr. Deepak Chopra: i mean even <b>I</b> could play the part, you know? i've always wanted to REALLY dip my wick in acting ever since i became best friends with Demi Moore. a professor-papa type like me, i could play the character as an oldISH man in the sequel. or as the character's father in the prequel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">El DeBarge: the only reason you know this move exists on VHS is because of ME and my song "Who's Johnny," you know that song you can hum under your breath but you never actually watched the music video for it. the song you sang to your meemaw at Pic-N-Save after a Bob's Big Boy run. in the '80s. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: the Bob's Big Boy Sauce was the original Big Mac Sauce.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">El DeBarge: i was bigger than Prince. for one week. i recorded that song on a barge.........better acoustics out there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally Sheedy: something happened to my character after <i>WarGames</i>. they cut my hair short. i drive a truck. AND i rescue animals?!!! oh come on, just say you wanted me to be a lesbian!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Badham: no nothing like that, we simply wanted you androgynous cuz we were entering into the Robotic Age then at the cusp of the '80s, there weren't gonna be sexes anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve Guttenberg: i was TOO SEXY to be the lonely science nerd they needed me to be. i have too CUTE of a face!!! my interpersonal skills are too EFFERVESCENT to be an awkward stick-in-the-mud. i have the personality of fizzy soda. Fisher Stevens, you left your large codeine spoon in my trailer...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Paul Reiser: i WISH i had been Steve Guttenberg...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Badham: okay i can FINALLY FINISH <i>WarGames</i> the way i wanted to!!! see? i'm bringing all those computers from<i> WarGames</i> back again to fill the set.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: why does this creepily look like that <i>MAD</i> Magazine <i>Up the Academy</i> movie?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>MAD</i> Magazine: doesn't it seem like WE invented <i>Garbage Pail Kids</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve: Newton Crosby? but i don't sing standards and i don't play ice hockey, the two things men need to do to woo women. the robot is a marital aid. EVERY SINGLE robot in film history has been used as a war weapon, let's have ONE be about LOVE. the robot i invented is completely harmless and fluffy, all it does is give you the middle finger.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">SAINT: because our machines send you straight to Heaven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">*lightning strikes*</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ed from the band Live: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Number 5: just call me Johnny 5 from the start. see? i'm sentient. that proves it. Number 5 is STILL alive, bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Astoria, Oregon: we were Portland before Portland...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Astoria, Oregon: the first star was seen HERE!!! without a telescope, with just the naked eye of the hippie.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: i'm an ally to those who have chrome for brains. i love and want to save ALL of humanity, even machines. Stephanie Speck, i'm an insignificant speck of dust in the cosmos. hello, i am Carl Sagan's daughter, nice to meet ya, i love how you extend out your robo-arm.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: i'm having a bad day, have you ever woken up alive? that is a mindFUCK of a trip.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sloth: omg, your house is the <i>Goonies </i>house!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: and the house is the color of Link's Champion's Tunic in the best Legend of Zelda game, <i>Tears of the Kingdom</i>!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: and i recognize that bridge!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: yeah, it's just me and the Where's the Beef? lady who's my tenant in the basement, sweet old lady who lives quietly down there, never makes a fuss. this is my Pippi Longstocking mansion that transforms into a boathouse hence the stilts. you're the ULTIMATE stray, cuz you're an animal with wires. i rescue strays, in the future my granddaughter WILL BE Kate McKinnon...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: i'm here to tell all you warmongering men about what the world should really be about: love. so what are you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: Metal E.T. i'm WALL-E's father. you know, that sort of thing. i need input. no, not sex, knowledge.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: this sandwich truck is iconic. right? it's this memorable food truck you see on the Oregon loggers' highways. what snacks do we serve? mostly tuna fish...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: i was the first person to enter the word CATERING into the zeitgeist...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: so i have this abusive ex-boyfriend who's not a cliche. i mean, maybe, mostly. he wears a baseball cap and carries a baseball bat around with him, why would anyone carry a bat with them?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">abusive ex-boyfriend: i was a former MLB baseball player. as are all abusers. and those who run for Congress as Republicans. you can't hide from me!!! i wear tight blue jeans and i run and i know the spare key is in the vase!!! dammit you changed the locks!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: remember changing the locks? that was such an '80s thing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: wait, why are the only things i'm allowed to learn about the world from John Badham movies?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: don't worry, i'm dancing with you in my sheer negligee but there's no chance of us actually fucking, so...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve: Ben, do you know what a woman is?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben: women are a myth. women do not exist.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve: no, that's the internet. which has already been invented...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve: do you think she likes me? do you think Ally Sheedy likes me?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben: no, Newt, your mother does not even like you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5 accidentally squashes a grasshopper.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Miyagi: you see?!!! you see the disrespect?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: the concept of death is dank as fuck.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: yeah, there's nothing after, there's just nothing in an endless meaningless universe. it's pretty trippy. and cold.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: and then there's my world...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: it's a good thing i went to Sunday school or i'd have no concept that killing is wrong.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: Catholics are the ultimate programmers.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GW Bailey: i'm Scrotum uh Skroeder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: i sound like one of those loopy Saturday-morning-cartoon kids...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: this romantic Western campfire scene with the purple Vaporwave sunset sky looks like it's out of Disney's <i>The Black Hole</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve: we can't disable Johnny 5!!! what if he's a new life form?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Data or Lore: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Howard: a new life form is not in the government budget. who would feed him and clothe him and send him to college? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: how do you know i'm not a girl? college is a waste of time, Sunday school tho...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">SAINTs 1,2,3: we're not the mob squad, we're here for our vaudeville. we do niche Stooges from that two-month period window in the '30s when Shemp was the leader...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: look sad when the helicopter missile "kills" me. it's a good thing we all look alike. i won't be destroyed, i've been promised a sequel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Badham: i made Johnny 5 sign on the dotted line with his robo-arm...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: i tried to cry real tears here at your death scene but they didn't come out convincing, this whole thing is just too silly. i wish i had done <i>Flight of the Navigator </i>instead, now there was a real MEATY role. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Johnny 5: this is sponsored by Nintendo, right? starring Fred Savage? this is the R.O.B. Robotic Operating Buddy movie, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Admiral Scrotum, crying over the dead body of Johnny 5: why? OH WHY?!!! why'd we have to kill him?!!! he was such a gentle soul. he HAD a soul, damn you bastards. he was my FRIEND and he was named Johnny 5. war is FUCKING STUPID. i mean we're ALL computers, right? humans were the FIRST computers!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rubikon: 40 acres?!!! really?!!! you had to go with 40 acres out of ALL the acres?!!! 40 acres in Montana my ass.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally Sheedy: why are the cats playing and running around with the zoomies on my hair?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: because you look like a poodle.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ally: i love saving poodles!!! hey wait, let me get that gerbil out of my house, i'm saving it for my ex-boyfriend...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steve Jobs: there was the story here which was never told. this movie was the filmed version of the script that was watered-down for Hollywood. the REAL STORY of this began in the beautiful mind of a writer who wanted to show his PAIN to the world. it's about an autistic scientist who can never have personal relations with people, he's incapable of intimacy, and thus pours his soul into creating Johnny 5 his Frankenstein monster. Frankenstein robot? but they're both gentle quiet souls. who become each other's best friend because BOTH of them cannot connect with people. much like that scientist's monologue at the beginning of the <i>Garbage Pail Kids Movie</i>. it's a cold lonely sad world out there and nobody has any friends. like we all do, man AND machine, we need a woman to help get us out of our shell. or panel. a woman's touch IS the lightning strike. fuck thunder in the sky, we only need thunder in the bedroom. maybe some punk kid on YouTube will make THAT movie instead one day. g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the fire: i am thoroughly enjoying having McDonald's on DoorDash. but you still can't get Filet-o-Fish delivered...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: don't you worry bout a little thing, son, let me handle this, everything's gonna be alright...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /> <p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-13099335572025018072024-02-21T08:33:00.000-08:002024-02-21T18:33:07.813-08:00SPIT THAT BANANA IN MY MOUTH<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiptNlNbtdI1XSvu9IyWRerkyAkrR9x6LMUcGY1F3qj4FNkJTW8HU2P3xMSP0YNDz7ZcZ-SzLuLZpgQB94oTJKhzgkQIJrtau3q9ePQmFcg9iOeKRQJRf0MrFkaJqi8aDBQRJmFzMVRqguHblqReJVYPjBtMa7bjIhAMQMJMXtmVF_hEqrp9RNdzPEDn68/s729/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="470" data-original-width="729" height="258" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiptNlNbtdI1XSvu9IyWRerkyAkrR9x6LMUcGY1F3qj4FNkJTW8HU2P3xMSP0YNDz7ZcZ-SzLuLZpgQB94oTJKhzgkQIJrtau3q9ePQmFcg9iOeKRQJRf0MrFkaJqi8aDBQRJmFzMVRqguHblqReJVYPjBtMa7bjIhAMQMJMXtmVF_hEqrp9RNdzPEDn68/w400-h258/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: okay it's time for the honeymoon portion of this wedding.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm too tired. i mean let's do this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i mean isn't Vegas a bit too on the nose? too cliche?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eli Manning still in Vegas after a long Super Bowl hangover: not really. not if you see it with new eyes. look at my goofy face, what do you see? you see a compulsive gambler who owes the mob in too deep unable to afford addict therapy trading in my football cleats for a pair of cement shoes. craps is a TERRIBLE name for a game. you know how i earned my winnings? how i made my non-NFL gambling fortune? i play Hearts. yeah, nobody realizes Hearts is being played in Vegas right now for large sums of wad cash, it's all done in a secret blue-felt room.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: oh look, one for those wedding chapels the size of my thumb, let's get married.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but not like THIS, let's get married for REAL...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: oh we gotta check it out for the officiant, it's Warren Buffett!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Warren Buffett: do you take? and do you take? Jim Cramer is a noodge. you know how you keep a marriage together? LOWER your expectations. i've been married for 100 years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: okay we gotta get in the mood for fucking, how about i tickle the electric ivories?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm still a zombie. but i'll follow you anywhere.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: showgirls abound!!! like HER!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brooke Trantor: the gift of my tits...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: my personal favorite, musicians!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hello Meteor: i'm playing backup synth for Wayne Newton.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: rides galore!!! like the black VW cabrio we rolled up in!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: from Baltimore.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: that's Bawlmer, son. don't cry about it, learn it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: don't cry, rely.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen stands in front of the GIANT Ace Tone to the right of the pink fluffy fuzzy altar that's bigger than the chapel itself.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mrs. Talbot: Ace Tone? that was my first War of 1812 flyer-ace pilot husband!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen starts playing the Ace Tone.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it won't burn!!! it won't burn, baby!!! electronica energy!!! flowing through my body through the temple nodules in my head. and i know temples. it won't burn my hands like acid. and i know acid. it's a piano keyboard attached to a knobby drum machine.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">in the honeymoon boudoir.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: spit that chunk of banana in my mouth.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: of course. you gotta get me up to speed, what tradition is this?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's what those three from <i>Napoleon Dynamite</i> did to celebrate the 30th anniversary. Napoleon, Pedro, and that guy from<i> Dream Corp LLC</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: well that sex was pretty nice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: we never can really DO it, can we?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: bro don't rub my back. who do you think you are? Garrison Keillor?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">creepy captain: mahalo.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: who do you think you are? Adam Carolla?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sasuke: i got pardoned like Richard Nixon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sasuke makes the Peace Sign with his fingers, not the Unison Sign...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario with wrench: that's Goodman Air Conditioning & Heating, not Godamn Plumbing where i work.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: it's not God Damn, it's more like Go Damn, as in Pokemon Go, as in Nintendo Go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">rain: i am so beautiful.........when there's no wind...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">PG&E: having no power on a sunny day is especially galling, it's spitting in your eye when there's no rain, it's TRULY fucking aggravating.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Safeway: when the parking lot is ENTIRELY EMPTY like this, it's nice, it has that post-apocalyptic nuclear-war abandoned look, but only in the DAYTIME!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Quentin Tarantino: when that dusk hits the empty parking lot...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Puck from <i>A Midsummer Night's Dream</i>: that magic pixie sound when the power comes back on...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Puck: you could have done me at UCLA.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: don't remind me, too painful of a wistful what-if.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Puck: permanently...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brendan Fraser: whaling? i am not a casino gambler...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: you will MISS me when i'm gone, you will MISS that one-handed backhand i did...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: wait, a British Romantic lyrical epic poet won the Daytona 500?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: when i snore, that is the most beautiful sound in the world.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">snoring: it's always better than coughing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: why did i become a monk? because i was kicked out of the priesthood for selling Viagra on the street corner of my Spanish Mission. hey, to me it's all health care. before that i was that priest on <i>Saturday Night Live</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chipotle: BBB, Triple B, braised beef barbacoa. too bad it's not on DoorDash...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chipotle: it's our best kept secret cuz it's SO secret it's not even on the menu!!! we ain't an In-N-Out Burger menu!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chipotle: we don't have scissors, we cut our meat with tongs.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: i see you, Chipotle.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sleep Number.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i mean why are all these people kvetching? it would be SLEEP BLISS to sleep next to you forever, there's nothing to complain about.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i'm always on the hot side. of the bed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i don't like wet waterbeds. i like my waterbeds dry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">LoveSac: for over 25 years we've been telling folks that a change is good.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mark Consuelos: yeah, change out your work husbands, Kelly Ripa!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Whopper Contest: can you top that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jon Brennan from <i>Real World: Los Angeles</i>: yeah, forget the burger and bun, just have brisket on corn chips.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: sport peppers? just say Chicago Whopper!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joan Chen: Sausage and Egg McMuffin Whopper!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">taxi man: Justin Herrera Sourdough Pizza Whopper from St. Cyril's!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Jordan: do you know how anyone can fly? by lowering the net.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">QuickBooks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">camerawoman: without ME there's no commercial...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario with wrench: yeah but it's pretty cool the job i do, i swerve with my wrench and a fucking fountain flows!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">CarMax.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sister: so my sister has a vaginal piercing. wanna see it on Instagram?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other sister: at least i'm not dating Michael Weiss.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sister: Michael Weiss taught me NOT to get a car, to walk everywhere. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: the electric car is not the savior you think it is...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lopez brothers: which brother lost the bet and had to have Muppet hair to tell one apart from the other?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: we have the OPPOSITE problem, all of us have the same bald head.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: as long as my son who's a terrible driver grows up to have Muppet hair i'll be proud.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Giannis: spell my last name NOW. thing is, i've never liked Sprite. there was only Mr. Pibb in Greece.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bud Collins: since when is calling someone a tennis ball an INSULT?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">cat: now I am a GREY cat!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: can't hate. you a great cat, a grey cat, a great grey cat.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">grey Persian cat: "Unholy" my favorite and ONLY Sam Smith song. Patrick Swayze was never THAT muscular, Jake!!! you're not evil just because you have a British accent.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">George Costanza: THE WORLD IS FAKE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Frank Costanza: SERENITY NOW!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Serena Williams: i'm not doing this just for this spot, i'm an actress now, remember? i'm IN this Aang movie, as Katara. and later as Korra. Avatar State is a cool blue sparking electric glow in the eyes like that M83 video for "Midnight City."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Starbucks: you can only drink the new Pistachio Cream Cold Brew if you have 30 earrings in one ear.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i really appreciate the lengths you went to for me here. you look DIVINE in that aqua-blue Champion's Tunic from <i>Tears of the Kingdom</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: o that LIGHT BLUE tho, it SHIMMERS. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: turquoise tumult.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i wear the Tunic as a Large T-shirt pajama.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but not MY large T-shirt, i'm too small of chest.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i look like Princess Zelda in it, not Link.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i look like a Slash Link when i wear MY Large T-shirt pajama. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">TetraNinja in the hamper: can i get out now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: you know the key to keeping this thing called marriage? BUNS AND BAGS. it's all about the buns and bags, always keep an extra supply of hot-dog buns and handy baggies on hand. for marital emergencies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: baggies to keep our drugs in?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: no, our bun-length hot dogs in. WELCOME HOME, don't those two words relieve? suddenly a sense of calmness and serenity and stability and hope and take-charge leadership pervade the rooms of our abode.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: yes, the way the film <i>Say Anything</i> pervades the room with a blanket of melancholy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: same concept. but opposite. different result.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-90450214812913075752024-02-19T10:55:00.000-08:002024-02-19T16:41:55.725-08:00TENNIS TWINS: WINNING FUCKING EVERYTHING<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH71sXFlRw6FKJCkOgNJ7UCBpYbQzDx5eDGHo0GZ3KwRSdzOJsEJyy8Y3kGmVC7-aAYVHXmtJHRJAS7uYSuSyjbG44YJXdMb42DPeISCoCwkcmB2NM0QD3-HQsez46MvbHoFyCu6D0tkmz-tZ-qizMhENImmnL0jx4GdFZSCqND4YcIrK8XYNAENTkbHs/s743/41002976-9408831-image-a-117_1616820767092.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="743" data-original-width="634" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH71sXFlRw6FKJCkOgNJ7UCBpYbQzDx5eDGHo0GZ3KwRSdzOJsEJyy8Y3kGmVC7-aAYVHXmtJHRJAS7uYSuSyjbG44YJXdMb42DPeISCoCwkcmB2NM0QD3-HQsez46MvbHoFyCu6D0tkmz-tZ-qizMhENImmnL0jx4GdFZSCqND4YcIrK8XYNAENTkbHs/w341-h400/41002976-9408831-image-a-117_1616820767092.jpg" width="341" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxzJo_HtTZJzbNmw6mPHfNXhml4h790enZ2FPfqN2UcH-hNyNFj5vrLR6SdY9WqYIR9KjFgJzAHyEIM66-z7TgMqLDxevZBbftY5Vau5cZas4_o-A4rnB-rB0tNQ91VqByjMVzBZNzkrsddS5VQUIM8MnJntcj2F-jmFN6V5fkmnu-cSo3FwIXfH1YxtA/s1919/pzfederer-wawrinka-8oly-h2825781.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1362" data-original-width="1919" height="284" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhxzJo_HtTZJzbNmw6mPHfNXhml4h790enZ2FPfqN2UcH-hNyNFj5vrLR6SdY9WqYIR9KjFgJzAHyEIM66-z7TgMqLDxevZBbftY5Vau5cZas4_o-A4rnB-rB0tNQ91VqByjMVzBZNzkrsddS5VQUIM8MnJntcj2F-jmFN6V5fkmnu-cSo3FwIXfH1YxtA/w400-h284/pzfederer-wawrinka-8oly-h2825781.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfTk-kSdAZCspDV_h3891IxnnbcqiM8sWqJKau8r0YOzitMj38_hVSoUBFS4Of3WQCPQo2mttQwvRBqo28723ndPQJwqn0x4bP07O8H-rrioCXhT28rbpy6fqz98HmPIzBSgSzjf2URp06ALL4JKfUanVtpiQYOJLtLv4StrYhBhh8J1O8ObjMb_v4eOo/s1200/82379829_crop_exact.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfTk-kSdAZCspDV_h3891IxnnbcqiM8sWqJKau8r0YOzitMj38_hVSoUBFS4Of3WQCPQo2mttQwvRBqo28723ndPQJwqn0x4bP07O8H-rrioCXhT28rbpy6fqz98HmPIzBSgSzjf2URp06ALL4JKfUanVtpiQYOJLtLv4StrYhBhh8J1O8ObjMb_v4eOo/w400-h400/82379829_crop_exact.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: wait there's ANOTHER knock at the door? who is it THIS time?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors looking out their balcony: oh shit, my old nemesis has returned.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John McEnroe is down below the apartment complex on the S curveway driveway. he looks up, takes out a brown paper bag, puts his poo in it, lights it with his Andre Agassi goldplated Vegas lighter, and CHUCKS the flaming poo bag up to the balcony where Jimmy and Chris are.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: not cool, dude. my wife is here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: awww that's sweet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: i don't care about Chris.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: you never did in ALL those Wimbledon telecasts we did with Bud Collins, never laughed at ANY of my jokes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: i only care about YOU. i'm gunning for YOU, Jimbo. we are Naruto and Sasuke!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: take a step, man. what's the matter THIS time? there are always so many things wrong with you swirling your head.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John takes out another brown paper lunch bag, empties his bowels into it, and FLINGS it at the balcony.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: you want me to call Paul? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Paul: i'd like to smell all this shit. caca city.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John takes a THIRD bag of fire caca and THROWS it like Clayton Kershaw right onto atop Jimmy's long hair.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: bro calm down. let's talk about this. what'd you have for LUNCH to produce all that poo?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: tuna fish.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: i mean at least be creative with it. do one poo, one pee, one vomit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: i would have but i really enjoyed that tuna fish.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John takes a DEEP DEFATIGABLE sigh.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: i don't know, brother, i'm just so TIRED. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: with what? with me? with life? with tennis?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: with everything, man. tennis ain't the same and it's never coming back. there's nothing to get EXCITED about anymore. everyone's gone. the two biggest personalities in the sport, Emma Raducanu and Nick Kyrgios, are sidelined indefinitely. i mean are we EVER gonna see them again?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emma Raducanu: as long as you stay 50 feet away from me per the restraining order.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nick Kyrgios: i don't know, mate, tennis was never fun for me, tennis was a JOB to me, like those priests on <i>Father Ted</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: there's nothing for me to DO anymore.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy washes his hands then puts his arm around his old friend's balding hair.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: sure there is, buddy. but you have to take a LONG HARD LOOK at yourself in the mirror, Johnny boy. tennis has given you EVERYTHING. now you must give EVERYTHING back to tennis. it's time for you to be tennis's first commissioner, my friend. time for you to make the hard decisions.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: as long as i don't have to ban Nadal for life. hey, can i crash here for a few weeks?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: you're asking the wrong person.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: right. sorry. wifey, i mean Chris, can i? your pad?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris, sighing: fine. but we don't have a spare bedroom. you're gonna have to sleep in the tub.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John: that's better than when i was living in a tin can in a French hostel in Paris trying to win the French Open.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: i can't hate. i gotta give it up. i gotta give it up to you, that's TWO souls you've mended. i gotta say, i gotta say it, you're looking more attractive to me now than you have in a VERY VERY LONG time.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: just doing my job, ma'am.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cleopatra: why do i look like Gwyneth Paltrow?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cleopatra: this smells like my orgasm...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mark Antony: does mine smell sweeter than Caesar's?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: i am REALLY REALLY sick. i am VERY VERY ill.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: are you sure you don't just have to take a shit again?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Run-DMC: Emily is ill/ she ill cuz pimpin ain't easy but she don't need no cane/ you won't get bored/ you want more/ when Emily is poorly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the monks descend on the burned-down monastery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Thomas Merton holding a lit cigarette betwixt his lips: sorry. burnt-out monastery, both meanings.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: where's brother?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: lagging behind and lazyass as always.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: this is a fool's errand!!! all the trees here are burnt to ash, how will you collect yacht wood from them? from this CRISP!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: you're not looking CLOSELY, brother, these trees are DISEASED because they've been overworked for fruit and never replanted properly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: story of my life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Thomas Merton: again i apologize. plucked to Purgatory, that was all me. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: see these trees for what they were, a beautiful symbol of hard work. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: a symbol of being worked to death. which fits into the rich/poor dynamic for symbolism using this very wood to make a fucking yacht!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Gunn: i can see now. i went to LensCrafters at the mall.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: Canada has better malls than America.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Colin Kaepernick: until things change i won't stand, that's my STANCE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: one day i'll recover and do an <i>Easy Rider</i> ride with my son in a Caprice. i call him Patrice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but are you driving? cuz i'm not.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: i gotta give up looking at beautiful women's Instagrams for Lent...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Premier League: this afternoon on Premier League we're gonna dissect Haaland's psychological profile. what is going on with this young Norwegian man? i mean that header was WIDE open...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pee-wee Herman: turns out it was <i>Pee-wee's Last Adventure</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pee-wee Herman: the movie that caused covid...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Resident Alien</i>: we take after the comedy of <i>Alien Nation</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zelenskyy: real war, not Instagram.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: i really gotta return to being a war correspondent like my early days with NPR.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron Jeremy: count down from 20...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Pirates of Dark Water</i>: if Queensryche were a show.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Chico and the Man</i> "Raul Runs Away, Part 2": and suddenly this turns into one of those '80s Mexican movies filmed entirely outside they played on Channel 4 Sundays at 1PM.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Epstein from <i>Kotter</i>: i'm also part-Mexican...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dorothy Gale: who wants to live in Kansas? it's nothing but flat farms. i wanna live in EXCITING California. there are no tornados in California...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Ninja Kamui</i>: there's nothing more SATISFYING than seeing two corrupt cops getting the FUCK beat outta them.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brazil Ranch, California: NOT <i>Destinos</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">eBay: pair of <i>Garbage Pail Kids</i> heavily damaged for sale. ironically, the cards are Terri Cloth and Dee Faced...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: i don't have a heart.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad Pitt: i know.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: no i mean i don't have a heartbeat cuz i was in that movie about vampires...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: need to do a Healing Walk? heal with your heel.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: Meat Scissors, the name of my Korean boy band in college...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert, sighing; okay fine, i GUESS we can give our marriage a second chance. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors: let's give the concept of marriage another shot, like a tennis shot. but can you promise me one thing, baby?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: what.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: abortion is a dirty word, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: right. but...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: no that's okay, that's okay, that's it, that's all i want to know. okay, well, i best be leaving. i gotta go, don't want to keep my 3 o'clock waiting. we call him Hollywood. he has a hot doubles partner whom i'm guessing is his future wife? Australian chickadee.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: Russell Crowe plays tennis?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Russell Crowe: badly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-40165225502014607112024-02-16T10:06:00.000-08:002024-02-16T20:16:19.536-08:00THE BIG SICK: HUMOR HEALS WHEN THERE'S A SICK JOKE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG0Q9sDsns1cenk_T50VxcNW2OW5i9HpTExsQXAn3omQpb4Jz0_H0HhIQqRn3p9Cf6QoiZUZkmT-HTF3dji5RW8M5N51ohyphenhyphen41xiq99nxFQ1SbMSzd1-ymLRaZzovbO6P0BPyB77kkbvbHFhkRkfRcsKMIT_YvVoR90v-OfghpE7h92LvlIIKR0YwGBJV4/s1920/R.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1182" data-original-width="1920" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjG0Q9sDsns1cenk_T50VxcNW2OW5i9HpTExsQXAn3omQpb4Jz0_H0HhIQqRn3p9Cf6QoiZUZkmT-HTF3dji5RW8M5N51ohyphenhyphen41xiq99nxFQ1SbMSzd1-ymLRaZzovbO6P0BPyB77kkbvbHFhkRkfRcsKMIT_YvVoR90v-OfghpE7h92LvlIIKR0YwGBJV4/w400-h246/R.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijI8MeK48MwA1M4eAx2tN7-cd_vU0vaN4KzV_XF9UT33bM42S3KMsxS_ikfO0ItE8xyau7MSx3fPmczsoR4XkrFEiMwSwumrgBILXBAKXi2KdSuNp1DRIOuwftIKvlAF6Wa6UAghIQVS4LtcW8zF9XpXJVEBg_E2j-TeK_l3xwMispTD76ai73ysGaja8/s1833/xvraMwJuQsza2NaaP4G4PQ.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1020" data-original-width="1833" height="223" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijI8MeK48MwA1M4eAx2tN7-cd_vU0vaN4KzV_XF9UT33bM42S3KMsxS_ikfO0ItE8xyau7MSx3fPmczsoR4XkrFEiMwSwumrgBILXBAKXi2KdSuNp1DRIOuwftIKvlAF6Wa6UAghIQVS4LtcW8zF9XpXJVEBg_E2j-TeK_l3xwMispTD76ai73ysGaja8/w400-h223/xvraMwJuQsza2NaaP4G4PQ.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipPHYvV9aV2cmq-t663vma4hw99StKKVDExlyzum5GuDSxjt1oQ4r0q4wNKQ7MOqpyypZytNwaAXx0EXoa9WXNiXLyE29-h6Mg2BZBvGY8gzxW-_OmGVQ7r3M5CzCfru8HcyqgYlUKokz8_oUCS3BYubOpou2B-eJxyF1R-ynIsw6qS-UYZcByLkdR3a8/s2000/sundance-211-0358c1284d0f48bcb4255b7cf8999cf6.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2000" data-original-width="1333" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipPHYvV9aV2cmq-t663vma4hw99StKKVDExlyzum5GuDSxjt1oQ4r0q4wNKQ7MOqpyypZytNwaAXx0EXoa9WXNiXLyE29-h6Mg2BZBvGY8gzxW-_OmGVQ7r3M5CzCfru8HcyqgYlUKokz8_oUCS3BYubOpou2B-eJxyF1R-ynIsw6qS-UYZcByLkdR3a8/w266-h400/sundance-211-0358c1284d0f48bcb4255b7cf8999cf6.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzPcHCFzCqeIBSH-g_3VBaOgSLqWR9gdZ5h5G625_h7F4mxabXd7-DNgKlOGHsxOeWPUD9XN6vl8m5qJprMMgKFRUOi8LLS63p7-RxGvrumDRaF2eW5v9me5mTKLIJQbFQcGgNW_bNEhcMwiw2Arv9JZcgkws5-aB0HWBWKJk-5OhP0HmYbFhR-3jI0sk/s3000/8TwlqUfJXuM3hfw8RfFT7iBZc2N.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3000" data-original-width="2000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjzPcHCFzCqeIBSH-g_3VBaOgSLqWR9gdZ5h5G625_h7F4mxabXd7-DNgKlOGHsxOeWPUD9XN6vl8m5qJprMMgKFRUOi8LLS63p7-RxGvrumDRaF2eW5v9me5mTKLIJQbFQcGgNW_bNEhcMwiw2Arv9JZcgkws5-aB0HWBWKJk-5OhP0HmYbFhR-3jI0sk/w266-h400/8TwlqUfJXuM3hfw8RfFT7iBZc2N.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at the Southfield Mall.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: Naptown is really Sacramento, i've had some of my best sleeps on those park benches. THOSE parks are reclaiming the color orange with their leaves. i'm hungry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you going on a hunger strike for 24 hours to fight your covid?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i forgot what it was, feed a fever? the covid void. the point is, please send me Taco Bell.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: do you think i should continue with my therapy if it's stressing me out? why am i looking at random malls on Wikipedia? i have this insatiable impulse to CLICK on things for no reason.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Charlie Sheen: hotshotting? i should be nowhere NEAR a monster truck.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Timber Titans</i>, <i>Deadman's Curse</i>, so these are Republican shows.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">heli-logger: i voted for Bernie.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Cantore: it's Deadman's CURVE, it's a show about Peyronie's disease.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: Ghost Pipe flowers, my newest spell powder. i used it to conjure all the organs in the Haunted Mansion ride.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: it's better than Tang.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Sandman: it's an elixir which helps me sleep so i won't go to sleep from one of Mike Tyson's punches.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mrs. Talbot: i'm old. but i ain't dead yet. you can't get rid of me THAT easily. i mean look what happened when it turned to the Mrs. Busta days!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Busta: remember me? i'm Paul but not handy with my hands. except to play my organ.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bob Marley: where did all my pot smoke go?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Major Kusanagi: to ghost-pipe means when i fuck my girlfriend.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Alien Nation</i>: i had no idea this was going to be a comedy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Alien Nation</i> "Eyewitness News".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this is exactly me when i lived alone in my studio apartment in Oakland, i had no idea Oakland was a beautiful city rich in vibrant art, i was cooped up in that apartment receiving strange VHS after strange VHS under the door.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Glyphic".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robin Duke: it was always my dream all along to be the Canadian <i>Fargo</i> lady. thanks, Lorne Michaels, for crushing my dreams.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: remember how ANGRY you got when you thought i had betrayed Ren and crew? that says more about YOU than me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ioz: i vow the oath By the blood of Ren. isn't that heartwarming? i'm already thinking of my fallen comrade THE SAME DAY i thought he had died.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ren: i'm honored.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jessica Walter: if i hadn't done THIS cartoon, i wouldn't have done THAT cartoon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Niddler: now THAT's a bird.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ren's father the king: notice how the 13 Treasures of Rule are shown as 13 plain stones. because the animators had no idea what they looked like yet. and would never be given the opportunity to show what they looked like.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dona Gelsinger: i painted the original artwork for <i>Clan of the Cave Bear</i>.........THE BOOK!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Too Close For Comfort</i> theme song: sounds strangely like the <i>M*A*S*H </i>theme.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Delsym: fuck Delsym, there's no Honey Delsym.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bambi: i ain't carrying the virus, okay, buddy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: we're all wearing leis but nobody's mentioning it on air. i guess it's Hawaii Week?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ed Kenney: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie: creepy captain continually touching everyone's shoulder is creepy. i'm getting off this Love Boat. i'm not on the dating app The League, i'm classier than that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">captain: i'm doing that to make everyone MORE comfortable in a stressful surrounding.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: the recycling bin was so SMUSHED FULL of junk from when i threw Luigi off our timeshare in Indio and he became Wuigi.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">recycling bin: i BELLOWED A BURP OF RELIEF when i was finally emptied.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lucio: oh, only two rings from the spam call? i'll give it the two-finger flick-off the Sex Pistols made famous.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Lydon: my image will be severely limited if you're not my Valentine with me in public. the public holding-of-hands. but fuck all that, i don't give a rat's ass about that shite, i just need you to love me again in private fulsomely.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>The Big Sick </i>and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail Nanjiani: shoulda been called <i>Sick Joke</i>. or <i>In Sickness and In Mental Health</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: this is the best romcom i've ever seen. i don't see a lot of romcoms because they're all the same, but this is the BEST one.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: this was WEIRD for me. as an actor. imagine playing YOURSELF as a character. but it's not really YOU, it's a fictionalized VERSION of you. so it's you but slightly off. it's easy to act as someone ELSE, but how do you ACT as YOURSELF? the whole experience was surreal and dank as fuck.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jena Friedman: if we had kept Kumail on as a correspondent, i'd still have my Comedy Central show.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: adult swim is NOT the place for women's comedy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: these kinds of movies are near and dear to my heart. because it's reality, you know? those "scenes" in the movie ACTUALLY HAPPENED in people's lives. this isn't a story, this is what actually happened. i have a soft spot for a meet-cute at a grocery store, there's just something MAGICAL about a grocery store.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luke Russert: roaming through the aisles with your potential mate...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: picking up gherkins.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: and when the lovers have a heartfelt confession on the steps of a Manhattan brownstone stoop, that's when the film REALLY kicks off, it's all about THAT scene when you're writing it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily V. Gordon: imagine how Kumail and i felt as we were writing this, that's a lot of PRESSURE!!! we had to make sure these scenes were in fact true to our real lived-in lives. you look at a scene and go, "are they embellishing this for Hollywood? did it really go LIKE THAT, tho?" that's the curse, the pitfall, that's what all Hollywood movies are. this was US, you know? this was really us.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">H.G Wells: maybe if i saw Elon Musk ride a bicycle i'd have more hope for the future of humankind...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zoe Kazan: wait am i related to Lenny? is Lenny Kravitz my daddy? biologically i mean...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: so i drive an Uber but don't read too much into that. hey man, what is your desire when it comes to tunes?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Beck in back: so this takes place in 2007. play "Devils Haircut" coz THAT would be RETRO now then, see?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aidy Bryant: BIG BABY AIDY!!! nobody in the audience is getting this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bo Burnham: i think i'm funnier in real life than in my set, my stuff is INCOMPREHENSIBLY SURREAL, you know?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: this is your name in Urdu. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: all girls' names in any foreign language is Meg.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: there's no point explaining to people in America that you're from Pakistan. i might as well be from Greenland. i'm just another dirty foreigner. when will i be a dude?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: and i'm a weirdo so we make the perfect match.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: whoa whoa whoa what the fuck. people still do this? they have sex on the first date as strangers barely having known each other for eight minutes? that's still a thing? people still do this?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: i was born in the wrong era.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: i don't want you to see me take a shit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: but i've already seen your naked body. all of it, there's no more mystery. you haven't seen MY naked body which is weird i grant you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: that's different, that was in the throes of passion. no one takes a shit in throes. no one poos passionately.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: why did you become a stand-up comic?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: to pick up chicks. first impressions?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: i thought you'd be more muscular. you're a skinny Indian boy!!! let's never see each other again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: i can't do that!!! life would be too heartbreakingly DEPRESSING if it was like that!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Holly Hunter: so Emily V. Gordon's mother in real life is the NICEST woman you'd ever want to meet, a real sweetheart. i made her a bitch cuz i really wanted to go my own way with this, you know? i was feeling my acting legs, feeling my Stevie Nicks oats.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stevie Nicks: cranberry juice is weird, it's not cherry juice but it's not grapefruit juice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ray Romano: for large stretches of this movie you thought i wasn't gonna tell ONE JOKE, huh. large chunks from the Pebble Beach golf course i stole. you thought i'd have a DEAD SERIOUS role like when Brad Garrett was on <i>Law & Order: SVU</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne Michaels: Kumail should do <i>SNL</i>.........wait HAS Kumail hosted <i>SNL</i>? i'm not sure...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sister: this make sense, Kumail comes from a funny family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail's mom: arranged marriage is about STABILITY AND SECURITY.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: i mean that is true, dating cold in this cold world is SCARY AS FUCK. look, family, i don't pray, i go downstairs to that damp basement, roll my prayer mat out, and Allah and i watch YouTube videos.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">brother: we forgive you, brother. you did it for the nookie.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">father: i mean watching YouTube videos IS a form of praying, when you see that naked man swan-dive into a frozen ice pond, that is prayer flagellation.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: holy shit these Pakistani women are hot as fuck!!! where do i meet THESE women?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mitra Jouhari: hey it's ME!!! yeah from <i>Three Busy Debras</i>. why didn't we get OUR <i>Please Don't Destroy</i>-like movie?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">in the <i>Clue</i> tearoom.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: so i used to be married. everyone was getting married at 18, you know how big cities are. we got divorced cuz there was no passion EVER from the start, no throes, it was weird like that. i think he was the wrong person, that's what it was. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: no problem, as long as there weren't any kids.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: you know, when you say something the SECOND time, it sucks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: what are these mini-photos of women in a box? are you a stalker?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: no, i collect cigar boxes. and baseball cards. and Garbage Pail Kids cards.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: we're done.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: please, i want to explore America more. i don't want to go back to Pakistan, Pakistan is boring. take me to the batting cages at Sherman Oaks Magic Castle.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: okay, we watch Episode 2 of the '80s <i>Knight Rider</i> and that's it. couldn't be worse than the BORING-AS-FUCK <i>Cabinet of Dr. Caligari</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: doesn't it suck when your lover HATES your treasured pop culture?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail on the phone: so i had to sign on the dotted line or they would have pulled the plug. don't worry, it'll be like an <i>Archer</i> coma. Emily and i? we're kinda casual at the moment, like Mulder and Scully from Season 1.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Duchovny: did we really need Seasons 10 and 11? "The Truth" was the PERFECT series finale. <i>The X-Files</i> sucked after Season 1... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: no, don't come here, North Carolina is too far away.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ray Romano on the phone: hey Kumail, did i tell you the kangaroo joke i heard from Steve Irwin?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: sorry, dearies, this hospital does not treat goths. just kidding.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">in the hospital rectory.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: we lost 19 of our best guys, said deadpan. i mean you gotta admit, for a 9/11 joke that one was hit OUT OF THE FUCKING PARK!!! you know it's good cuz it's TOO SOON FOREVER. even 6 years after the fact.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gilbert Gottfried: tell me about it. i had less time than you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ray Romano: i mean <i>Forrest Gump</i> did have its flaws. too much running, i didn't care for all that running.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Montreal audition.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: this is not comedy, this is real life. when it hits you it hits you, you care for a person who will be gone soon. no longer be with us. i can't believe this is happening to me, this is a sick joke, i meet my soulmate and she dies. think of this more like what i'm doing right now is Brechtian comedy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: she could die.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Oscar the Grouch: we all die, man. hey you gotta give me credit, i never joined <i>Wonder Showzen</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Holly Hunter: that scene were i heckle the heckler, that was based on something i did IN REAL LIFE where i heckled Roger Federer at the U.S. Open.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: she said i was a member of ISIS. she said she looked at my face and my personality and concluded i was in ISIS. i'll never forgive you, Holly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">still on '90s futons.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ray Romano: i cheated on my wife. i knew it the MOMENT i finished on her, i felt disgusted.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: next time take a beat. take a step before you do anything drastic, don't finish, swallow your own cum and think about things.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: sorry but Holly Hunter deserves to be cheated on.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily in the hospital bed: you have no idea what i'm going through.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: yes i do, when covid hits in the future, i'm gonna get fucking SWOLE AND BUFF because that's the only way i keep sane cooped up in my room for two years!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">female doctor: Emily has adult-onset Still's disease. we were giving her the wrong medicine for a misdiagnosis, that's on us, as doctors we screwed up. we were making her WORSE. the hospital accepts full 100% responsibility. do you want your recompense in check form? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: let's just get to the happy ending of her recovering, her recovery, i can't do medical stuff anymore in my current climate, i don't want to be seeing wires and breathing tubes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dr. Vacc: don't you love when the patient is MIRACULOUSLY CURED!!! out of nowhere. that's always the unexpected best.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: dude you're not funny.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: are you being serious right now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: i'm doing anti-comedy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: phew.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: this hospital yogurt taste like semen. right, daddy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ray Romano: that's too much, honey, that's too much.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: wait are Canadian comedy festivals really that racist?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: when you get dumped by Hollywood and your girlfriend, the only thing you can do is write and perform a one-man show at a local indie theatre in Chicago. all of us eventually do this, you WILL see a child's bedroom bed on stage with a TMNT poster on the imaginary wall and you're in the thick of it. what follows is a Pakistani history lesson that comes out funny.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: see this is what I NEVER DID!!! this is what you're supposed to do, gather two like-minded friends, go down to Hollywood, and share a flat. you need fellow writers with you to share the burden and the struggle. you can't do this shit alone!!! you can't do projects alone!!! one of us in the group is BOUND to make it, these are the odds!!! i should have formed a husband/wife writing team with my dad to write sitcom scripts for Hollywood, HE's a partner, THAT's the dream...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye: awww that's sweet, when she says <span style="color: red;">i've found him</span> at the end at the NYC comedy club, that's a warm and fuzzy ending.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily: THIS MAN IS GREAT IN BED!!! but he's not funny. hey did you notice that i always had that friend who could never stick around? she always had to be somewhere ELSE...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at Kumail Nanjiani and Emily V. Gordon's real-life Pakistani wedding ceremony.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Father Navin: and do you, Kal Penn.........sorry...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: talk about Devils Haircut, what is UP with that hair on my head?!!! i got a SHAGGY MOP for hair, i'm literally Pakistani Shaggy from <i>Scooby-Doo</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily V. Gordon: okay what is pash? it's like a wet and sloppy kiss, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail's brother: it's a white girl, forbidden fruit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kumail: it's the order form for Columbia House CDs. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the fire: TOMORROW i need good food to convalesce to when loved ones are far away. when loved ones are not near. she would enjoy the two cheeseburgers and i'd enjoy drinking the McDonald's Coke!!! that is WAY easier than making the Coke syrup MYSELF. you need star anise for that and nobody has star anise.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Yan: it's fucking hard to find.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: and you need seltzer.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shecky Greene: they don't make seltzer anymore, seltzer is deader than vaudeville and me. g'night folks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-52489694883267831952024-02-14T13:42:00.000-08:002024-02-14T20:20:06.732-08:00SEX BAKERY<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLyFdVpDsiVvE0r46iqGLgh-W96KbfcIvH5UUmZbpMkGN7lmGzRcKRZqO4AlnbE37OTRaMeIr54U3aac5HgHfmBSTMIB0x_YKfnBx1ZXke5pDMKwvSwSSSMN6gPP13eN3tfrduMdOQ_S8x2VeW5VJs0yo3q4eQFMRO0LyBIdjA_rlM3oEFd2WglphvkM/s700/Magnolia+01.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="527" data-original-width="700" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsLyFdVpDsiVvE0r46iqGLgh-W96KbfcIvH5UUmZbpMkGN7lmGzRcKRZqO4AlnbE37OTRaMeIr54U3aac5HgHfmBSTMIB0x_YKfnBx1ZXke5pDMKwvSwSSSMN6gPP13eN3tfrduMdOQ_S8x2VeW5VJs0yo3q4eQFMRO0LyBIdjA_rlM3oEFd2WglphvkM/w400-h301/Magnolia+01.png" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are getting married. the wedding is today.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: in NYC of course. you'd be surprised how few churches there are still left in the city. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but aren't you Jewish?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: wait it's Valentine's Day today, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: hence our wedding date. our marriage date. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: and we never went on one date. wait we can't get married today!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i've had nightmares about this...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: we gotta see the Bob Marley movie first.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: that dude with the dreadlocks who plays Bob Marley is GUARANTEED to win the Oscar.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: this film drops Vallo's Day, it's perfect, ONE LOVE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">afterward.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i could eat AS a horse. when i eat, i pack it in, i eat for two even when i'm not pregnant, no girl dinner here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you're pregnant?!!! am i FINALLY gonna get the dream of having my second family?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: oh shit i forgot!!! Deliveroo is ON STRIKE today!!! how are we gonna get our wedding food?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what are you in the mood for?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: banana pudding. but it's gotta be from the Original Source, Magnolia Bakery in NYC, the <i>Sex and the City</i> bakery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'll see what i can do. does Magnolia deliver of itself? like a McDelivery kinda thing?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: i can run fast...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: so i had to run MYSELF across ALL the streets of NYC to get these TWO banana muffins here on time but i made it. all the cabs gave me the finger, i felt so ALIVE in the city!!! my Air Jordans are sweating, so much soaked sweat, they have cigar burns on the buttons. each button is one big cigar burn.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's premium banana pudding, priest, a saintly slurry. with that Christ crust. worth it. knurled knobs of nubs...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Father Navin: whatever, let's get this fucking thing over with.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen in her pink-grandma-sweater knit wedding dress comes down the lane looking like a snack.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">suddenly a couple of <i>Sex and the City</i> extras throw rice at Jen's face.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: what the FUCK, my dudes, that rice LANDED IN MY EYE!!! i can't see!!! i'm blind now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: love is blind tho. you still want me, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: imma bout to deck some men in an impromptu bout, Brad Pitt-style on the wharf. it's gonna be a wet wharf wedding. like a dream.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Father Navin: look, woman, punch me in the face if it makes you feel better, i'm late for Premier League.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Navin: do you, me, take Jen as your lawfully wedded wife?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i take Jen as my spirit animal. she's the best person in the world. i'm addicted to Jen like meth. we share an interest in '70s TV. the purpose of my life was never to achieve anything, it was merely to fall in love with Jen R. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: simple song like simple syrup. a simple sauce if you will.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: that i need to sample everyday...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Navin: and now the exchange of gifts.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i got you an ULTRA-RARE FLAVOR of a tin of Campbell's can of Split Pea Soup. no Ham. no ham, i promise.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andy Warhol: wow, not even <b>I</b> have THIS one. and my middle name is Andersen...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: this is fab. and just what i needed, we'll use this one can to feed all our wedding guests. oh and for you well of course i got you this one gallon of Coke syrup in a moonshine jug.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">i hug Jen with more love than if i kissed her.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: THIS proves we're soulmates.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: see? now you can REALLY make McDonald's Coke at home!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">RFK Jr.: i'm sorry.........i am so sorry that i come from this prestigious family and i somehow ended up crazy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JFK: i mean you used The Smithsonian for that Super Bowl Commercial?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luke Russert: if there EVER was a need for my burlap grocery bag with the strap handle, it's to carry a 30-pound bag of orange cat food...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Heathcliff and Garfield: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: you have to know the space of your own stomach. Luke, you don't turn off my water anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ioz: why does everyone on <i>The Pirates of Dark Water s</i>ound like they're in a <i>Scooby-Doo</i> cartoon?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">William Shakespeare: you know why Port Washington is a nice place to live? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: NYC or the NYC suburbs? both are nice in different ways...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shakespeare: heavy hint, it's a hamlet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Washington from <i>Kotter</i>: i'm from Port Washington.........don't tell the fellas, the Sweathogs would never understand, especially Horshack...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Night Court</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Olivia at the funeral: it doesn't matter what your religious denomination is, WE'RE ALL WORM FOOD IN THE END!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jesus: look at me petting the <i>Sesame Street</i> worm and smile...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abby: life is hard. life is IMPOSSIBLE without friends. friends are more important than lovers...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the '80s: Beta used to be a good thing. in fact Beta was COOLER than VHS!!! betta believe it was Beta. the VCR Wars were like the Late Night Wars, it was BETA for a while. Beta was the cool indie underground rare hard-to-find video format which offered a clearer screen and a secret menu...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GEICO commercial: yeah that's young Eddie Vedder in the bleachers. or his son or something...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: i had an illegitimate son with Eddie Vedder, his name was Pee-wee Herman...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: Instagram is not about LOVE, Instagram is about ATTENTION.........did Julia Ioffe see this post?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abbot Butt: love will turn every human being on the face of this Earth to ash...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keith Haring: i was doing Banksy before Banksy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Banksy: in the '80s?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keith: no i do you in bed now. i did all that skulking in subways like a gorgeous ninja. surreptitiously not being seen as i scribbled on subway signs and drew my happy little chalk people. what were you doing then?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Banksy: watching <i>Voltron</i>. Keith was my favorite <i>Voltron</i> character. your graffiti was the graffiti of goodness. i love your voice, Keith, it's so John Wayne.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keith: do you know how hard i am? i've gotten arrested a multitude of times. the cops are scared of me. i'm harder than any '90s gangsta rapper which came after me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Banksy: you gorgeous glasses ninja, a gorgeous ninja with glasses. a ninja with glasses...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">menopause: when there's no more sex, only food. when you start seeing the McDonald's Big Breakfast as Aquaman.........the Aquaman who's best friends with Lenny Kravitz...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jason Momoa: we're motorcycle buddies. i'm scooter buddies with Channing Tatum.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: i've had this feeling since i was born...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Channing Tatum: i'm doing<i> The Maxx</i> for Hollywood. i'm playing the Maxx, you won't see my face, only my muscles. who's gonna play Julie? Jennette McCurdy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Backroad Truckers</i>: you haven't LIVED till you drive through a forest that is NOT a road in a truck that's been sheared in half along the serrated edge like a sardine tin...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: all these people on the electric stairlift at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning.........practicing for the NEXT Valentine's Day...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: and a clay butt stares me down from the window of that sculptor's shoppe...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: "Instant Hurt," sounds like one of my songs. used to advertise Tang orange powder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Manson: <i>Deadhole</i> should have been one of my album titles. i don't make music anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Fallon: who does the '80s better? me or Mark Hapka?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Temu Super Bowl ad: why did this RUN THREE TIMES? when overtime hit, the Super Bowl Commercials started going into REPEATS. repeats already?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Google Javier in Frame.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">hard-of-seeing man asking the camera: how many in frame?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">camera: the two in the hospital bed.........the THREE in the hospital bed... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: and i cried like a baby. a baby i wish i had. that gets me every time. i want a family like this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Celine: reminded me of our twins announcement in <i>Before Midnight</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kia.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">housebound grandpa watching granddaughter ice-skate outside: wait, when did we get an ice pond?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arnold Schwarzenegger: neighBAA.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny DeVito: NOW you want to watch <i>Twins</i>. you never watched <i>Twins</i> the first time...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Prince: watch it in a frigid Minnesota theater...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Walken: fine, do my voice in front of me but NEVER sing that infernal Fatboy Slim song in my presence!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fatboy Slim: but i'm wearing the Dunking orange jumpsuit, i look like EVERY DJ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Uber Eats commercial on strike.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Aniston: who are you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Matthew Perry: okay that's REALLY cold...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Aniston: in order to remember something you must forget something, makes a little room in your head. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Matthew Perry: did you forget to get your tan today?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Aniston: i forgot <i>Lycoris Recoil</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Schwimmer: there's no Botox on my face, can't you tell? Andre Agassi hit my face with a tennis ball...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Poppi: the future of soda. is fruit. because there will be no more water...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bradley Cooper's mom: why didn't you win a football game like i told you to? Mama Kelce got to do Letterman in her letterman jacket.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bradley Cooper: i make movies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: yes but what you do actually DO, son?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bradley: i.........try to make art.........sometimes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bud Light genie: you want Peyton Manning to be your best friend? why?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Peyton Manning: Eli was taken. i wished for that T-rex to come and lick Tom Brady's back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jeff Goldblum: T-rexes are rather docile creatures once you give them a porcelain toilet, they just want to go to the bathroom.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reese's Peanut Butter Cup: caramel is old. your grandfather likes caramel. so it turns out the Reese's 9-inch Cup Pie was ACTUALLY E.T.'s spaceship...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Berkeley college student: a gilf kissed me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">E.T.: no one calls them Reese's Chocolate Cups...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jeff Goldblum: i was ALMOST in <i>Short Circuit</i>. i dodged the fuck outta that bullet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">aliens: yes all aliens are gay, that's the natural order of the universe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm crying melancholy tears. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen hugs me like no one else can.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: what's wrong? this is supposed to be the happiest day of your life. it was the most TIRING day of MY life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: have you ever been so frightened of something ending?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: want me to punch the tears out of your eyes? i'm crying too, because i have rice in my eye. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: slap me silly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i would never slap the silly inside your balls. that's what makes you unique.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i am so scared of losing you. our friendship is on such a fragile tendril. how long will this friendship last? what if i don't hear from you tomorrow? or the next day? or the next year? do i assume from your ghost silence it's over and i need to move on? i NEVER want to move on, there's nothing to move on to. there's nobody else to love. texts are so tenuous...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i'll text you tomorrow about this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: text chains are like a fishing line in a silvery lake...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: wait i can't leave you now!!! we haven't seen <i>On Golden Pond</i> yet!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-13425237902930615802024-02-12T10:37:00.000-08:002024-02-12T16:14:32.479-08:00TENNIS TWINS: THE FINE ART OF HEADBUTTING<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVoze649P1DylDpA5emdLo5L2gJe7hGZs5xin3x23PoUtdfgODitZjKPn6_23J1d5AmcbDfn9FAcI5Bz5c7QPefShELFKk-NTygTa_P7hMA8ejskm81klU97ElyBxhOFMg44RhrJI6qcfdeI3fEf50_rLxtgR5n8gpiGyQdCEGscK4xMAn0LF3IHPkPPo/s1600/530523af7aa63610720ce02580b5f69d.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1058" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVoze649P1DylDpA5emdLo5L2gJe7hGZs5xin3x23PoUtdfgODitZjKPn6_23J1d5AmcbDfn9FAcI5Bz5c7QPefShELFKk-NTygTa_P7hMA8ejskm81klU97ElyBxhOFMg44RhrJI6qcfdeI3fEf50_rLxtgR5n8gpiGyQdCEGscK4xMAn0LF3IHPkPPo/w265-h400/530523af7aa63610720ce02580b5f69d.jpg" width="265" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre Agassi uses his bald head to lightly politely knock on the door of the Connorses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors: hello? is anyone out there?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre Agassi: I'M FUCKING COMING IN!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre RAMS his bald head into the door splitting it in two along the splinter.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: damn, i thought that door was metal. what's going on, buddy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre RAMS his bald head into Jimmy's face.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: that hurt, buddy. use your words not your shiny head.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: see? see? you shoulda got a bald head when it was still in vogue. it was COOL to have long hair like you did in your '70s heyday but no more. now you don't have the WEAPON i have along with Billy Corgan. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Telly Savalas: and me when i wasn't playing with dolls...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: you can't protect yourself anymore, old man!!! the tennis gods have FORSAKEN you, sir!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: if i go to the barbershop and chop it up with the fellas, talk it out with Kobe, will you stop all this?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre starts to cry, the tears go UP onto the top of his bald head settling like a little bird's nest.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: you stole Steffi from me, stole her out from under me, you stole my girl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: nah, how could i? i don't drive a Lambo. i don't have courtside Lakers seats in my wallet. it was just a fling with Steffi Graf, it was just sex, no feeling. no feeling in my extremities. it was German sex, completely passionless, you know how it is.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: sorry, man. did i cause blood on your handsome face?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: i don't bleed anymore. ever since they banned it at Wimbledon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: i feel so lost without Brooke. that's what this is really about, i couldn't care less about Steffi Graf, she was just the replacement for Brooke.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: yeah i understand, i feel ya.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: Brooke and i were supposed to last 30 years in marriage, have 9 kids in wedded bliss like Tom Green and Drew Barrymore in a Sonoma camper.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: i don't know that you're man enough to handle a bodacious woman like Brooke Shields. for starters, she's taller than you. what is this really about? possessions, right? not love. if you hadn't been a numbnuts and kept Brooke's <i>Friends</i> trophies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre: i didn't!!!.........well i did, sorta. i kept the COUCH, man, cuz <b>PIVOT</b> is the ONLY funny thing that has ever happened on <i>Friends</i>, it's the only funny <i>Friends</i>. and Schwimmer and i are tight, i promised i'd protect his sticky sofa and he'd grant me a shikibuton stay at his crashpad in the '90s.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brooke Shields: you never broke me, Andre. we didn't grow together, Andre, i wanted to keep Mr. Pickles as our family dog and you wanted no pets. a family can't survive without the family pet!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andre Agassi: no it's that Mr. Pickles is Satan. he's literally Satan.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brooke: why didn't you keep your long hair, Andre? you used to look cool like Jimmy Connors...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">YouTube channel: everybody's first production company...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: i like it when the sun spits in my face. when it's spitting rain and the sun is out, a spitting sunshower, sunshine spit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: are you sure you don't want to walk with me?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad Pitt: Tom Cruise and i, we're like Naruto and Sasuke...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Interview with the Vampire</i> ships scene.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: burning the ships, do you like that expression? there is so much dark water here, and we are pirates...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad Pitt: well Dracula DID come to Transylvania aboard a ship...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Claudia: but we don't talk about Dracula...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Backroad Truckers</i> on The Weather Channel: of course there's one midget, one blonde woman, and one woman with glasses because<i> Velma</i> really is actually a great show.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">slow food, slow flowers: because Valentine's Day is on the short bus this year.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: if you see an old man doing the electric stairs at the gym at 7:30AM in the morning, i guarantee you he's an army general. i never said WHICH army...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">seagull: we have our own version of hydroplaning, we slide off the 45-degree-angled roofs at The Barnyard...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mark Hapka: HAPKA!!! mark your yoda, i am Mark your Yoda, mark my words, mark my Yoda words...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: so there's no normal person on Instagram...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julia Ioffe: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julia Ioffe: including yourself...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">AFC Bournemouth logo: Head & Shoulders in the Irish Spring with a dab of Pantene...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Pirates of Dark Water</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ren: we walk like the<i> Scooby-Doo</i> gang...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: um, can we stall the noble adventure for one Saturday night? i wanna go to my senior prom...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Red Lobster: it's cool for a while. the lobsters tell you things. but you soon realize it's a dead-end job like everything else...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: yes. the only cool thing you get to do there is that credit-card imprinter you push left to right, that big chunk plastic block...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GNC: you wanna make a GCP? a Game-Changing Play? drink an inordinate amount of GNC powder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Warner: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Harbaugh: multitudes of powder...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Erin Clark: my COMMITMENT to <span style="color: #2b00fe;">KSBW</span> FAR EXCEEDED my COMMITMENT to my marriage...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Burger King Million Dollar Topping: we had to do SOMETHING to compete with McDonald's Monopoly. we tried Burger King Uncle Wiggily in the '80s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pepsi Number Fever: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Ninja Kamui</i>: the cause? lack of friendships...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Ninja Kamui</i>: the dark side of organized crime? there's a light side?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Persona 3 Reload</i> commercial: not Timothee Chalamet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Timothee Chalamet: it's pronounced Tim-o-TAY...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Bob Marley </i>movie: Rated PG-13 for marijuana smoke THROUGHOUT...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>When Calls the Heart</i>: <i>Somewhere in Time</i> in TV form...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Superman: what could have been. maybe if i spin the Earth a few times, like a top...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Teva Loft: yeah i'm the next Brad Pitt, mark my words.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: a messy Brad Pitt.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Teva Loft: no i'm not gonna be a fire-eater when i grow up, that's not cool, mahalo, not funny. i'm a laid-back Hawaii surfer but my hang-loose has a Lestat claw on it... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zack Morris: even<b> I </b>went from serene to mean...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Vince Lombardi trophy: what is this? WWE?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i>: don't you love how we force a sex scene into every episode even when it's completely implausible and ridiculous? that's what makes the sex so HOT...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jennifer Beals: what a feeling. it seems <i>Flashdance</i> is the ONLY universally accepted and beloved film that EVERYONE has to do a riff on in their expensive commercial...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors wipes away the tears on Andre Agassi's bald head by rubbing that bald head so hard it starts to SQUEAK.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: i love how you calmed your friend just now. you soothed him down.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: i smoothed him down.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: you brought him back from the ledge. on the other side of the tennis net as the case may be.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: Andre's a big teddy bear once you get to know him. don't let his scowly face fool you, that's tennis determination. i give him a few squeezes in his soft stomach and he begins to SQUEAK...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: that's hot. how you handled Andre Agassi like that. an aggressive Andre Agassi, how you manhandled Andre's emotions like that. that's hot to me. you haven't been hot to me in 20 years. but i can't shake the feeling, is this a fluke? is this a one-time thing or have you really CHANGED?... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><br /> <p></p><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-52555195530574418512024-02-09T11:10:00.000-08:002024-02-09T20:48:22.596-08:00INTERVIEW WITH THE VAMPIRE: ANNE WEDDING RICE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_rBEugO5ifeIEA-3_EZveSBkqpIKF7EoWcg7Ma5UBziArexGONdp92XTOSxJBhwDi9_paMlYeE5ZS6Xw_j-JzLkJIUv_-KKk50TxJO0o_8hSTHNx9MSFwKLcN3rAHiTEPk67TMpmA8zx9Rj-0msrnRAAN9p5B1UMZ659xU50Zv24OANc6YadNC6ZXhbg/s1200/f980b8e40c64d9d55b45dc552320b4dc.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_rBEugO5ifeIEA-3_EZveSBkqpIKF7EoWcg7Ma5UBziArexGONdp92XTOSxJBhwDi9_paMlYeE5ZS6Xw_j-JzLkJIUv_-KKk50TxJO0o_8hSTHNx9MSFwKLcN3rAHiTEPk67TMpmA8zx9Rj-0msrnRAAN9p5B1UMZ659xU50Zv24OANc6YadNC6ZXhbg/w400-h400/f980b8e40c64d9d55b45dc552320b4dc.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixwH4_eISKLdZ97ILr0-RRR99lst_DEfWb7HwPIPZ5OqCqYIkUrktqV5_aF5DAZXk9Qrw0vxdYFpEQb1BtV9MlpNNojhENZDbCqCyiJnKglN8MLvWiIeDmhD-_viFvStWue8hFdzh5R75aZcYr7t8yAtlH9YRIcwy1CY4QmzhcT0U9BDpX9rmZsx3hSBY/s1253/tumblr_or70npb24V1wodkkxo1_1280.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="875" data-original-width="1253" height="279" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixwH4_eISKLdZ97ILr0-RRR99lst_DEfWb7HwPIPZ5OqCqYIkUrktqV5_aF5DAZXk9Qrw0vxdYFpEQb1BtV9MlpNNojhENZDbCqCyiJnKglN8MLvWiIeDmhD-_viFvStWue8hFdzh5R75aZcYr7t8yAtlH9YRIcwy1CY4QmzhcT0U9BDpX9rmZsx3hSBY/w400-h279/tumblr_or70npb24V1wodkkxo1_1280.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9hk_Ssrol4bsWt1yQWpWEhcwaVBtRMb_HGOlIMvEXUi5cjCordAxCY1AXqDlOEM9clao494F2aKXWNqpwWxulIpwFGJxYHlXkwlSQCJacM6W4bV3UilPsCuTkwIr4wItcWq8i9yEDOM_kgHTD630UKo-Ks-4pxlvcxc3GzprcZ_OV47h0dQecDm9VUw/s640/interview-with-the-vampire-behind-004.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="426" data-original-width="640" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy9hk_Ssrol4bsWt1yQWpWEhcwaVBtRMb_HGOlIMvEXUi5cjCordAxCY1AXqDlOEM9clao494F2aKXWNqpwWxulIpwFGJxYHlXkwlSQCJacM6W4bV3UilPsCuTkwIr4wItcWq8i9yEDOM_kgHTD630UKo-Ks-4pxlvcxc3GzprcZ_OV47h0dQecDm9VUw/w400-h266/interview-with-the-vampire-behind-004.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ7mw6Nscu0TqVOrK_aM8WHzLdxgix5Nadif22WqXRSGBfvZ32c_sBnTCCfVE5V9PqpfHAMyFAW_NghJJzXqLi2nooskv0dG8KRNxxeJCc5ozjUgHkuKAjHw8bAigVfWaiB5U1E2VmwbVdFlwYd68wsS1WsZXpfhHIzLgKxoV9MnKZWOAkANeh2zNfmAs/s500/f3a4ab5a00b546c7f766b800f3cdbed3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="262" data-original-width="500" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJ7mw6Nscu0TqVOrK_aM8WHzLdxgix5Nadif22WqXRSGBfvZ32c_sBnTCCfVE5V9PqpfHAMyFAW_NghJJzXqLi2nooskv0dG8KRNxxeJCc5ozjUgHkuKAjHw8bAigVfWaiB5U1E2VmwbVdFlwYd68wsS1WsZXpfhHIzLgKxoV9MnKZWOAkANeh2zNfmAs/w400-h210/f3a4ab5a00b546c7f766b800f3cdbed3.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHkYUUM6fBL1CFAy2o4_4iYhFrZsZw2GTTDgdwmZXcaIUCAwyIh9RM5FOTTxP0sKDZ_ryAtbhLax19PbJZeRYPNF96ugA0wmT6nP0R-TFKK71M44NvbUjr_elVDJ7Ws-kQsqevGCePGQ3stv5y2nDmsVP-eaDUGwtoiQPQulo87FXUp_yXfJQ7rJ5y5_s/s640/968981a0-c58f-11e9-bfef-41958890f1e4.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="361" data-original-width="640" height="226" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHkYUUM6fBL1CFAy2o4_4iYhFrZsZw2GTTDgdwmZXcaIUCAwyIh9RM5FOTTxP0sKDZ_ryAtbhLax19PbJZeRYPNF96ugA0wmT6nP0R-TFKK71M44NvbUjr_elVDJ7Ws-kQsqevGCePGQ3stv5y2nDmsVP-eaDUGwtoiQPQulo87FXUp_yXfJQ7rJ5y5_s/w400-h226/968981a0-c58f-11e9-bfef-41958890f1e4.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: okay let's get this boat thing over with. i'll collect planks of wood from the monastery, i'll cut them down with the natural not steel claw of my pinkie finger, and you'll build the hull.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Gunn: my but you twig fast, my lord, but you are overconfident.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: i shall help you get wood, brother.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: that's disgusting.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the two monks fly to the monastery and back in one moment. Cotard builds the ship hull.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: it's not floatable!!! will it float? hell no!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: what's going on? SPEAK, blind hermit with the stanky diaper.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Gunn: you see, sea brethren, that wood was from a monastery that burned down in a fire in an act of anti-Catholic arson. there be bad juju in that wood. see <i>The Pirates of Dark Water </i>for model...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: hey are there any minga melons onboard this yacht?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: are you referring to my tits?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: can you believe i'm 17 years old? yet they draw me like a 35-year-old woman. aren't you curious about my backstory?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Niddler: i'm curious about eating. apparently i don't need medical attention as long as my monkeybird wings can fly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: i was a tavern wench who was BORED AS FUCK. land SUCKS, water is where it's at. maple-syrup water. those Red Lobster waitress dresses were humiliating, exposed, short, and tight.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Niddler: hey you still got the Bloomin' Onion that's a minga melon?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tula: seasonal. all our lobsters arrive dead in the boiling water by that <i>Dune </i>sea serpent. with Takol as a chaser. get it? tackle? as in it will tackle your cough.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Gunn: when you look up Takol the cough syrup on the internet, there are no pictures of it, that's not a good sign...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Niddler: can you believe i was ever mean? turns out i was just hungry...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the monk yacht crosses the Antarctic Sea whilst taking on water and sinking.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nima Sarikhani: yeah my photo of the polar bear, that's the polar bear from <i>Lost</i>. humans have gotten so complacent about global warming they need to vegetate in the dreamworld of a TV show to hibernate to avoid reality.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spags's wife: my husband Spags will CRUSH the Niners offense with his wacky defense. it's preordained. by The Pope herself!!! we got married at The Vatican...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Pope: The Vatican is like Catholic Disneyland.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zelda Williams: of course my directorial debut is a horror movie. <i>Lisa Frankenstein</i>. my life has been a horror show ever since i lost my dad...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Superman: pull the Glad wrap UP AND AWAY like me when i fly...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Night Court</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abby: my favorite euphemism for fucking: spending the night...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Olivia: but i look GOOD with '80s shoulderpads!!! i'm skinny enough as it is, i need to get FULLER!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: do we need to kill these vampires?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: we don't kill, brother.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: good cuz i'm rather fond of these vampires. they're fun. they're cool. they're hilarious.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: and people call ME monster. Dracula owes me five bucks and my fob back for that cotton candy... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rockapella: Hanson's song "MmmBop" sounds exactly like our "Carmen Sandiego" song. we're okay with this, we're honored by this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: not a lick of wind in the sky. i like to lick other things.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: it's fine if the daily observations overlap...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lyle Lovett: i'm on a boat...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">KAY Jewelers: i get to love you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but who do i get? what do i get to do?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lexus: a delivery helado ice-cream-cart WALL-E bot that stalls in the middle of the intersection is like a Lexus without a cupholder...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: hey did you notice anything weird when we were skiing down that Mammoth mountain?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: no.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: a big-ass MOOSE was running down that hill after us. Moose Mammoth Mountain.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">moose: don't worry, i'm the moose from <i>Northern Exposure</i>, i'm a harmless intellectual.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">rat: when there's been torrential wind and rain like this, i come out to play. not in the sewers, at The Barnyard in your soup. please don't exterminate me, i can be helpful to you. i can help you with that snap-on plastic cutter on the edge of that big-ass Kirkland 3000-pound box of Stretch Tite saran wrap you blew your load on at Costco.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Costco: we don't ask for your wallet, we ask for your wad.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">In-N-Out Burger: mustard-fried is not mustard fries...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork: we eat there all the time, that cute white hut that looks like a country church is right next to our house on the hill.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Uncle Russ: where's Tim and Kavita?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kavita: below the bungalow.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: that In-N-Out apron would be so cute covering my butt!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steejo: i prefer my washcloth DAMP.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Bowl: i'm scared for Sunday...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reese's Hearts: this chocolate heart has no message in the foil.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Bowl: the message IS the heart...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Carmen Sandiego '</i>80s cartoon: the Player who's always in front of the computer screen, what's his story? what does his face look like? does he have a pet kangaroo? is his mom 30 years old?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Player: i'm actually Captain N from that '80s Nintendo cartoon...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robin Williams: <i>Good Will Hunting</i> is technically an '80s movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: weather radar heals a broken heart.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">George Washington in 1776: a lot of shit is going down where i live, but at least the world doesn't have to worry about global warming. humans are smart enough AT THIS TIME to not let things get out of hand. we all recognize the dire urgency here. the time to act is NOW...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Maldark: there's a difference between the 3 hours of <i>Mr. Holland's Opus</i> and the 3 hours of the Ryan Gosling <i>Blade Runner</i>. i can't. i can't do <i>Mr. Holland's Opus</i>, i can't show it to my students in my class, it's too long and boring...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Tripper: what have i been doing? i became a doctor. i tried to help troubled teen Terry McGinnis...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Terry McGinnis: not like the beer. i don't drink. i helped MYSELF by becoming Batman...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Stranded".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mentos: what does it mean when you call a girl a Freshmaker?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Daniella Evangelista: no it's Froshmaker, as in i, a senior cheerleader, make a freshman boy's whole year by glancing a look in his general direction. accidentally touching him in the cafeteria.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dave Grohl: cafeteria coffee is the best...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the ending: remember, kids, <i>The Outer Limits</i> ALWAYS goes dark...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories</i> "The 21-Inch Sun".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Townsend: a 21-inch sun NOW would be a ring light. are lightbulbs 21 inches? are spotlights 21 inches? hey look, it's the same cemetery from <i>Night Shift</i>. the moral of this story is if you have a plant ghostwriter, do not go to ONE party with human friends...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: rum on the run. chugging rum on the runs. the ski runs. i get the runs...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">President Biden in the documents case: for once my old age was a BENEFIT for me!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: i look EXACTLY like your Aunt Cork. with a COMPLETELY different personality set. i got a great set of personalities...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">LeVar Burton: "Rainbow Connection" is not about rainbow fentanyl...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">LeVar Burton: you know, if i was hosting <i>Jeopardy</i>, after each episode i'd have Ken Jennings go down to Skid Row in L.A. and do a book drive...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Etheridge: no i am not how Taylor Swift is gonna look when she's old. <b>I</b> am the most famous female musician who's also a Chiefs fan!!! i was doing this stuff before T Swift was BORN!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Taylor Swift: imma rock star...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: when it's cold out i wear my hoodie. my hoodie has pockets i put my hands in to keep warm. the gas station thinks i'm concealing a weapon. my choices are freeze or get shot to death.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doctor Who: there's a queer London lamppost in the middle of the stone stairs, it's very <i>Doctor Who</i>. i'm the black Doctor Who you never saw cuz you stopped watching...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brooke Trantor: you want me? read a book. get it? Book Brooke.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Styx: have you noticed that nobody does progressive rock anymore?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kevin Costner and Jewel at a tennis charity.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jewel with a BIG-ASS OVERSIZE tennis racquet in her hand: if you build it, if i edge him, they will come, Kevin Costner will only cum for me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: those spherical psychedelic candles from the '90s, they're making a comeback!!! they're at LUSH!!! that's LUSH not kush...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Interview with the Vampire and</i> go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: okay so this is <i>Twilight</i> but REALISTIC, kids...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: but it is a better love story than <i>Twilight</i>. being a vampire SUCKS, BOTH meanings. it's nothing but eternal existential anguish. and a little physical pain. at the end of it you just want to DIE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: it's like <i>Love Story</i> says, "immortality is just another form of Hell." <i>Love Story </i>comes on next after me on PBS...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: i'll be honest, when they said Tom Cruise was playing Lestat, i was NOT HAPPY. deeply skeptical. there was NO WAY Tom Cruise could pull off such a deeply complex character. but they took off his leather jacket, took the collagen out of his cheeks, and he became Lestat in all his brooding glory. i was pleasantly surprised.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: i was already cynical from my life. i already had the creepy laugh...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: so how do you want me to play this cool vampire guy?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: just be Gambit from X-Men...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: this was a '70s book!!! that explains so much. that explains all the vests...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Winona Ryder: 1994 was the period of the Decadent Luxurious Goth, the goths who looked like Liberace. Dracula was big. not in the pants, i mean as a phenomenon again. although MY Dracula was a short man...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne Rice: i'm available to be at ANYONE's wedding now. i'll be your wedding guest...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">San Francisco: the best city. home to <i>Carmen Sandiego</i> ACME agents and where this interview with a vampire takes place.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">River Phoenix: okay let's take a moment. <b>I </b>was supposed to play Christian Slater's part, i would have been RESPLENDENT in this role!!! i mean who would have made a more beautiful vampire man than ME?!!! bite me. please. i'm scared of dentists. i died before shooting began. which is ironic, cuz i became a vampire in real life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad Pitt: yeah so this movie SUCKED for me. this was the worst experience i've ever had as an actor in my life. the set was miserable. we could only shoot at night so i had to live as a real vampire. i never saw sunlight for 4 months. that wasn't white makeup on my face, i really WAS that pallid. didn't eat shit the whole time, just some Little Debbie Mardi Gras cakes. i'm standing around farting while Tom Cruise chews up ALL the scenery. even the silk drapes. i tried to like Tom but i could ever tell when he was bullshitting me. could never tell with that peculiar knave. he told me to my face that he was in love with me. he tried to recruit my mom into Scientology. and then there was the time my landlord kicked me out of my mansion shack on Bourbon Street and i had to crash at Tom's place on his couch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise: do not place your dirty body on that couch. that is Oprah's couch. you may sleep when you're dead.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: gotta pay your rent, this is the Manson house.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: that's a good line, <i>"I would have given anyone the invitation, but my jailer for life was a prick vampire"</i>, about my death and getting turned.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: okay for the gays, i just gotta say, Tom Cruise biting into the neck of Brad Pitt is like the #1 most-heralded gay scene OF ALL TIME in film history. it gets us excited.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: i don't need glasses anymore!!! hey is that stone statue of an angel supposed to be giving me the stink eye like that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doctor Who: yes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: you're dying, we all do it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anne: here's the thing, vampires aren't supposed to die. you can't kill vampires. and yet vampires are dying all over the place in this film. it was just too depressing to have the vampires go on living FOREVER...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: life sucks for me. i mean as my character with the death of my wife and child on a Spanish Louisiana plantation. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: it'll be worse if i turn you. eternal life ain't all it's cracked up to be...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: this is a silly <i>Dragon Ball Z</i> battle we're engaged in. i should have just joined the Marines...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old dauphine with poodles: now<b> I</b> am a madame. i'm too old for you, boy.........but keep biting my neck anyway, young man. i could be your grandmother. i haven't been this excited since i was a schoolgirl. i forgot what frisson was...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: sex throes, death throes, same difference.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: this is the first gilf porn...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">vampire Brad: i'm still human. I REFUSE to drink human blood!!! rat blood tastes like Kool-Aid.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: is New Orleans better now that it's the United States?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: New Orleans wasn't cool until <b>I</b> lived there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Judge Harold T. Stone: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Rauch: people think i'm Harry Anderson's daughter...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: you gotta admit, this is an INGENIOUS idea i had. you're lonely so if i get you an ETERNAL DAUGHTER, you'll have a FAMILY. family is everything, even for vampires. and unlike humans, you'll have a FAMILY FOREVER...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kirsten Dunst: what's with the Shirley Temple curls? SO much crushed velvet on set. they had to find a young child with SAUCINESS to say those linereadings. this part didn't traumatize me.........much.........i was able to exorcise my demons from this movie when i went on to do that Lars von Trier <i>Melancholia</i> film...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kirsten Dunst: i suddenly was drawn to the dark, not the eternal sunshine...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robin Williams: okay this is really becoming a COMEDY now with all the people getting killed willy-nilly for food. not a DARK comedy, just a comedy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: hey look at me, i'm playing the piano like Trent Reznor. what happens if i drink the blood of a dead person?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Manson: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Marilyn Manson: <i>Dead Blood</i>, that should have been one of my album titles...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Claudia: i'm never gonna be a full-figured woman!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: a real woman with ASSETS.........and HOLD the reaction on my face. did you see how i smiled there? that was the goofy Tim Heidecker smirk.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: the natives are getting restless. they suspect i am The Devil. i'll burn this plantation house for them, i've become a hero to the slaves. besides, the architecture on this mansion is SO LAST YEAR. hey how'd you survive?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: Swamp Thing raised me as his child. do you have any Neutrogena face cream?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Antonio Banderas: do you think i'm a good actor?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: yeah but there's no nudity on stage, that's the rule, so what are you gonna do?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Antonio: i save all cats. i don't need skin cream, i'm naturally olive. Laura Esquivel sun. people who watch my show change their religion after...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the three monks: great production values so we're Mormons now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stephen Rea: *crying* i like men........okay? i like men. THAT's why i'm a vampire, i was shunned and outcasted for liking men...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Claudia: is this the back of a theater or a honeycomb for a giant bee? it looks like cheese.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: who is the God of us vampires?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Antonio: our God has a great sense of humor.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: what is the purpose of being a vampire?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Antonio: to have some fun, no?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: you can read minds? what am i thinking right now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stephen Rea: Dorm Invasion makes sex hot again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madeleine holding Claudia's hand in the sewer: look up, child. look through the grate at the sun. the sun heals.........let's just pretend we're having a beach day...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad with torch in hand: i'm gonna burn this place down. THEATRE IS DEAD!!! that's what all the critics say...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: hey man, why are you in a bad '90s rap video? with the police helicopter spotlight?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: why do we have to drink blood? who makes the rules? why can't vampires just drink Southern sweet tea?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christian Slater: make me a vampire.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brad: are you stupid? are you dense? what's wrong with you? have you learned NOTHING? do you have ears? did you go to remedial school?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christian: i wanna be cooler than i already am. my name is Christian and i'm a devil.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">River Phoenix: you a cheeky little devil.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Axl Rose: "Sympathy for the Devil" was the last song we did as a COLLEGIAL cooperative harmonious full unit of Guns N Roses before we went our separate ways forever...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: i NEVER left you, Axl...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Slash: Axl insisted on the harp...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: at least i'm giving you a choice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christian pressing play on his tape recorder: who hurt you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom: David Foster Wallace. this man never gave me a choice.........i had to sit through him reading to me all of <i>Infinite Jest </i>in the chamber room...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: i get the SEXUAL nature of a vampire tearing into your flesh. but that's the thing, it's that LAST GREAT FUCK before you die...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: i'm okay with going out like that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: what's up with Tom Cruise's silver CLAW he uses to pierce his women? can i get one of those?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: for Inspector Gadget only to fight Dr. Claw with.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Penny: Uncle Gadget is into BDSM. you should see all the metal tools he has in his house. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Inspector Gadget: go go Gadget SINKING!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the screening.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Ebert: i thought this was gonna be about Hiroshima...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the screening, Oprah Winfrey walks out.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Oprah: i will not contribute to Satanism. that's not what my show is about, i ain't Jerry Springer, i'm about LIGHT. having said that, this movie DID get me excited. don't worry, Gayle King will watch the rest and post her review at her movie blog in the morning. Gayle King is intimately knowledgeable about vampires, she's been sucking off the teat of my fame her whole life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Oprah: g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me by the fire: happy weekend, my babies. TOMORROW: here's the thing with Panera. if i get the ham sandwich and the cardboard bowl of chicken noodle soup, it just tastes like a soup and sandwich, what makes Panera so special? OH MY FUCKING ZEUS MCDONALD'S IS ON DOORDASH NOW!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-23125216632143106792024-02-07T10:30:00.000-08:002024-02-07T21:49:35.689-08:00NEVER STOP HARBAUGHING<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Xv27fEju1NUhMaLFIlurcPH-isVzmlfY7bLtpQSCHjwOTzbg3JPUqNiHmogEO3fvV4wTQe6_wmgIHdvaBJ5MOGCKV8OPAg9FQ0q4ZRyuJFPEJMw5z1E4Bb6dzS-no5U8vzxnq_m4Ehxr10E-KkluLj2HFrseJ9EuKk09Le6fZzMXrV3Qk1sUvBz7Vo4/s1200/C-WhLwUWsAE4ZMo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9Xv27fEju1NUhMaLFIlurcPH-isVzmlfY7bLtpQSCHjwOTzbg3JPUqNiHmogEO3fvV4wTQe6_wmgIHdvaBJ5MOGCKV8OPAg9FQ0q4ZRyuJFPEJMw5z1E4Bb6dzS-no5U8vzxnq_m4Ehxr10E-KkluLj2HFrseJ9EuKk09Le6fZzMXrV3Qk1sUvBz7Vo4/w400-h225/C-WhLwUWsAE4ZMo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA40fF9TQcQumBSg5Li02wCctURfXUdeZEh_7Yx3zXT2UchV4-FLuXDnNayzNuh75pn6PcCy9pkXV00DGy4360km4jcV_5XX0m7TjZcutozxeVWdiAfEVxPUF7Df0Xy4LOwlfjoWgnKPt5esUiT0db2z-wic_FTVDRxsyymHhBuo4niyFtFZEGUhLRyvM/s500/22556075-mmmain.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="500" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgA40fF9TQcQumBSg5Li02wCctURfXUdeZEh_7Yx3zXT2UchV4-FLuXDnNayzNuh75pn6PcCy9pkXV00DGy4360km4jcV_5XX0m7TjZcutozxeVWdiAfEVxPUF7Df0Xy4LOwlfjoWgnKPt5esUiT0db2z-wic_FTVDRxsyymHhBuo4niyFtFZEGUhLRyvM/w400-h266/22556075-mmmain.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at Mammoth, California inside Cork and Russ's log cabin. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: well that was QUITE the late Christmas celebration with your folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: they're my relatives, <b>I </b>am the weird uncle in the family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: I scared your Aunt Cork off her own cabin.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: she's as straitlaced as they come, your quirkiness is like sewer water to them.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i've never seen a cantilever snow fort before, that was special. i think i entered a room i wasn't supposed to be in upstairs, i ran the palm of my soft hand over the blue lightning mattress on that California King bed and it started RIPPLING like a gentle ocean breeze. that was their WATERBED, huh? the ROLLING GYRATIONS of that thing, next to what has to be the last genuine bearskin rug left in the world. waterbeds are so '70s, i LOVE them.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: waterbeds scare me. how is anyone supposed to sleep on one with all that kicking around?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's the motion of the ocean. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but isn't the ocean frozen into snow right now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i've often wondered what it'd be like to fuck on a waterbed. supposedly when you reach water coitus Sally Field and Burt Reynolds come to you in a smoke vision above the bed and demonstrate by making love to each other Free Love-style in the back of that orange <i>Dukes of Hazzard</i> car. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Burt Reynolds: you reach coitus FASTER.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sally Field: you cum faster because you're already IN MOTION, you know?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: are you driving?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: is that a joke?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen takes the Mr. T TR3 Dudley Moore <i>Arthur </i>automobile and vehicles it round all the ice-craggy bends of the mountaintop.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this is worse than a rollercoaster!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: we're almost home free. i applied a ludicrous amount of lubricant TR3 body-finish car wax i bought at Body Glove on this puppy before we left so we should be fine edging corners. i trust T.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: applied liberally, i feel better now. what does TR3 stand for?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. T in the back of the luxury sedan: Three Point Turn.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: okay we're here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you look ADORABLE in your snow gear. with the pink fluffy mittens and pink fluffy knitcap.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: huh, it's February but there's NO SNOW ON THE MOUNTAINS!!! but we can still have fun, right? just get the rusty tin skis out of the back-window of the trunk from our Pink Floyd 4x4 and we'll ski down this mountain DRY.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you're right, that WAS fun. my skis started SPARKING AND SKIDDING there at the end near the foot of the mountain but i held on.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: did you remember to form a PIE with your skis to stop? i wish the ski lift would have a donut pillow on it, my butt cheeks on cold steel is the OPPOSITE of a waterbed. i was so WORRIED about you during the Pineapple Express.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: more a nuisance than anything, staring at the four walls having nothing to fucking do for two days instead of a mudslide entering my kitchen. hydroplaning or mud coffins. but make no mistake, boredom is a CRISIS, boredom is real, boredom can kill.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i turned on my transistor ham radio, my high-school AV Club weather radio to get the latest atmospheric-river reports. i cried as i turned the knobs and my ears turned red under my oversize DJ headphones.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: that is so HEARTWARMINGLY ADORABLE that you cared about me like that. that i am in fact one of your friends. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen and i on the ski lift.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: here's a Polaroid of me in high school. with my two friends. that's me on the left.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: that is ADORABLE, you are freaking ADORABLE, i love that you pointed out to me who was you. you're the smiling brunette amongst the sour blondes. the one that looks like you. your friend on the left looks like that girl from <i>Full House</i>. hey remember overhead projectors?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: that's how i learned algebra!!! the teacher would always be looking up and asking the stone-silent room "is this thing straight? fuck my life" with the clear silver paper.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: and the switch of the markers.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: she'd use a red marker which would smear the projector square. she'd switch to green and then blue, the smear would get worse. i thought math was supposed to be done in pencil but it ended up being done in black marker.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i need one of those battery-operated hotplates for the next storm. i bought 10 tin cans of soup BEFORE the storm i couldn't use, had to divide a GIANT 7-Eleven hoagie instead. amongst myself. cold nachos with cold cheese only.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: it's always sunny in California. with 70 mph winds.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: my birthday's coming up, jus sayin.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: you want a hotplate instead of a 69? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i want a 69 ON a hotplate, the hotplate being you. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: we got one more stop. not on THIS ski lift, OUT of the ski lift. for an old friend's advice...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Pope: i need to get a Tibetan spaniel. has a pope ever had a pet? an official Vatican Pet? the Vatican Dog?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tibetan spaniel: i'm curious like a cat...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lancashire Heeler: i bit Gordon Ramsay's balls off. they were tasty like a sweet wine reduction. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gordon Ramsay: kibbles 'n my bits.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Senku: you had no idea moonshine was actually just corn whiskey until you learned it from me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: why do people say being single is a blast? being single is a DESPERATE TIME in one's life, there is NO GUARANTEE you'll EVER meet anyone EVER again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Cantore: we here at The Weather Channel like to dispel myths for you. if you wear a hat on your head, will you REALLY be protected from the snow? turns out your inertial internal body temperature actually DOESN'T REALLY get warmer if you wear a hat. it's actually GOOD for your body if you're out in freezing conditions for like 4 hours. Mammoth Lakes, California doesn't exist, all the lakes are ice ponds...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Prince: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork: that's me in the pink tanktop in the Colosseum crowd watching and cheering on all those tournament-arc battles in <i>One Piece</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork: call me your animated Aunt Cork in your favorite anime.........which is not like my straitlaced personality at all.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: you watch <i>100 Days </i>because you want to see what my BUTT looks like...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Brady at Pebble Beach: i got a hole-in-one in these 100 mph winds. my long irons turn into short irons when i smile.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jeremy Irons: everyone except Lolita runs away from me when i smile...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Brady: why don't NASCAR cars have windshield wipers so they can turn left at the L.A. Coliseum on a rainy day?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Lost Coast: where Jack Kerouac is RIGHT NOW...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Bauer: Jack Kerouac is tougher than i will EVER be.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Kerouac: i'm faster than a New York minute.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: not in MY bed. that lost Lost Coast episode we did had higher Nielsens than the Super Bowl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Superman: i was modeled after Jack Kerouac.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Stranded".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kitchensyngk: *sees title* so, <i>E.T.</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lynda Boyd: this is a PG no-sex-scene episode. and i'm the modest-milf wife of the family here. but make no mistake, if i wanted to do Canadian sci-fi, i had to show my TITS...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aunt Cork: i do the <i>shave-and-a-haircut, two-bits </i>knock on our Mammoth log-cabin door.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Uncle Russ: that's ironic.........CHECK FOR WARMTH!!! this log cabin is already bought and paid-for, no more mortgage, no more logs on the fire...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Hay at Pebble Beach: you don't want to be cheating on this short course or you're headed to the UN...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pebbles Flintstone, age 18: i was a UN Ambassador from Earth to Space. i seduced many a young man to go up into space in an Elon Musk jalopy rocket to see if flying commercial in space was feasible. they were never heard from again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tajin: no, you're thinking of Lawry's Seasoned Salt...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>What's Happening!!</i>: a poor family from Watts rich in family and smarts. and generational general conviviality. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Raj: and viviality. and civility. check out my smile, it can brighten ANY gloomy day.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rubikon: even mine.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: despite everything, they have a house WITH STAIRS!!! gotta LOVE the '70s!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: i hug people the way Aunt Cork hugs people, by holding them by their shoulders.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: OSEA body wash, i mean that squiggly S is staring at me, that sibilance subculture scares me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Allison Mack: that S leaves a scar...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sun: how can there be 70 mph winds when the sun is out?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sun at the Sahara Desert: pocket sand!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: without the sun, there is no shower gel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn with Eye Luggage, Julie Patzwald, and Bustamante: have you ever seen such a coven of goths cobbled together as these, as us, PLEADING for the sun to come back so power can be restored. gaggle, girls!!! the sun MOCKS us being out and the power is still out.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: a goth without <i>Jem</i> is useless.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bustamante: a goth without her phone is useless.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julie Patzwald: a goth without a thermos of soup is useless. either cold soup or SCALDING soup.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: i'm bored, there's nothing to do during a power outage.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie Fitzgerald: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: i'm going for a walk.........wait, the squally weather happening outside is what CAUSED the power outage in the first place...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Cantore: squally like my hand down your pants. throw the first punch, i don't care, your fingers are hot dogs to me, man. i'm Curly from The Three Stooges if he hadn't had a lobotomy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Maria LaRosa: Jim you need to calm down and let me swallow your nut. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jackie Fitzgerald: you know, Punxsutawney Phil is almost NEVER right.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: Sticky Bra, the name of my band in college.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lan Lan: did you ever think we'd be cooking in an air fryer on <i>America's Test Kitchen</i>?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bridget Lancaster: toast my buns, Lan Lan.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Bishop: Testers used a blacklight...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bridget: come on, Jack, there's no cum between us, keep dreaming, buddy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack: i never noticed before but you have buck teeth, Bridget...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bridget: i gots the Jewel gap in my teeth.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne Michaels: so next week we got Ayo Edebiri as host with musical guest Milli Vanilli...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Suzy Lu: the reason my wedding ring and band are my YouTube banner is because my MARRIAGE is my proudest achievement in life, my utmost accomplishment, not any anime or video-game reaction i did.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steejo: that is so beautiful. most proudest. i always cry at weddings. i was in a wedding band once, that's how you met me. i'm gonna go wash my face not by splashing water on it with my hand but with a washcloth in the loo...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jessica Pegula: look at my face, do i look like someone who callously meanly coldly fires someone off my staff willy-nilly in the middle of the night with a text?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brock Purdy at Media Day: imma disappoint Taylor Swift in the 4th Quarter.........but not in my penthouse walk-in tub after the game when the Niners win...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: get that Candied Bacon Whopper at Burger King!!! only on GrubHub!!! exclusively on Uber Eats!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid the cat: greyrocking? so THAT's why no humans ever pay attention to me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: fruit-first, i know thee well. i need a real man in the wine industry to service these tits and my skirted butt. a virile vintner. away to the castle!!! Dilly Dilly.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">one pill can kill: even multivitamins...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie Lee Curtis at a farmers market: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: i love spit on my face. it's sexy. when it's not raining just gently spitting and i'm walking, it's so refreshing on the face...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Neutrogena: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">JFK: i'm in Las Vegas. not for the Nevada Primaries, for the Super Bowl...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Zach Lowe: there's nothing more depressing than doing a sports-radio talk show in the midafternoon at 11AM. i'm better than this, i should be doing standup with Kumail...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kendrick Perkins: personally i would LOVE to receive flowers on Valentine's Day. after all, i came up with that whole "give the man his flowers" thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Elizabeth Banks at a Macy's mall makeup bendy kiosk: what's your damage? i'm dong the <i>Heathers </i>reboot RIGHT. emotional damage from mom can only be cured with cocoa butter. sleeping in your makeup? that's brilliant, that would save Hollywood so much money!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">DQ guy: i'm Lin-Manuel Miranda researching my upcoming Jerry Garcia role. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: fry-first, that's a man of character. don't even eat the hamburger, let Wimpy and Scooby-Doo fight it out for it on the streets.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">pale-man redhead from Please Don't Destroy: i mean this chicken strip with the ranch dressing on top looks like a cock that has just cummed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Adult Swim viewer: i ate a Kinder chocolate bar, that was my downfall...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dr. Rick: tissues don't need boxes, only packets. you will always need crown-moulding to build tissue boxes. save your car mats because of course you're gonna get another Nissan Sentra eventually. cold El Pollo Loco tastes better when it comes out of a Parkay plastic butter tub. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stewie: or a Cool Whip tub. i said it correctly, i'm a man, i'm 40.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Affleck for Dunkin: did you lip-read me at that awards show? i was saying i am more boring than Taylor Swift. but i'm not a bored man, i'm a man who's trying to emulate Keanu Reeves's spirituality. i had a singing scene in <i>Good Will Hunting</i> but they cut it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hilton: wherever that music life takes you, it matters that you stay with us.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: insidiously, rainbow fentanyl looks like Warheads candy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lil Nas X: that's not sour, that's gasoline.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hilton: Mr. Reznor, as a rock star you HAVE TO HAVE a threesome in one of our beds.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent: i ain't Maynard, you punk.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Paris Hilton: Billy Corgan wants to talk to you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent: i'd rather work with Elton John.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Travis Scott in the Trent tent: like Robert Frost says, the road less traveled has a fork in it that looks like a chickenfoot...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Snapchat: your soulmate will have 1 like on their post...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the bank robbery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie from Progressive the getaway-car driver: i do this better than Pee-wee Herman...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie to his masked car-companion robbers: so this is for a cat video, right?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Halle Bailey for Pandora: i have legs.........in the industry...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">football player: hey what the fuck's wrong with your voice?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other football player: this is what Travis Kelce sounds like after making it with Taylor Swift. the only good Haribo are the coke-bottle ones...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">first player: Taylor looks so cute in coke-bottle glasses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Taylor Swift: DIET coke-bottle glasses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">CALIA: when i go to the gym, there's never hip-hop dancing like this.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keanu Reeves's wife: there's me in the gym, a RARE public appearance...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Keanu: first body then soul.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Starbucks regulars.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">barista: so i have this regular. she only orders regular coffee. never with cream. there's a language barrier there but she tells me i look like her son. turns out i AM her son, has to do with Mick Jagger, long story.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other barista: my regular has followed me to EVERY SINGLE Starbucks i've moved to to work. she is now my stalker.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nutrafol British man wearing a Cobra from <i>G.I. Joe</i> T-shirt: so i'm genetically predisposed to have NO hair on my head and MASSIVE pubic hair. Nutrafol has done NOTHING for me, jack-shit for me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Apple Vision Pro: do you want to NEVER speak to another human being the rest of your life?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the ski lift arches over to the NEXT log cabin over from Cork's log cabin. inside Jen R is witness to a discombobulating surprise.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: my burning eyes!!! what's going on here, friends?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i thought you said one friend.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: well they're BOTH my confidantes, never thought i'd see them together.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">a naked Debbie Harry is fucking a naked Jim Henson PASSIONATELY in the missionary position behind the puppet stand.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: aren't you two cold?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie: look how we bounce up and down like a puppet string. your cock is perfectly straight up my vagina. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Henson: like an arm up a puppet's butt. you know why we call them Muppets? because they were supposed to be British...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie: that's why it's called a vagina, it's V-shaped, it makes sense now. like an electric drum.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: details, woman.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie Harry: i fell for Jim Henson instantly. that itchy beard of his i had to scratch. he had me on a string from the start. the way he does his Kermit the Frog voice when we make love.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Henson: that's the thing, this isn't my "Kermit" voice, this is just my voice.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie: even if he is a pervert...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim: i'm just a man. a man who plays with dolls.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Debbie Harry singing "Rainbow Connection" with Kermit the Frog on <i>The Muppet Show</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kermit the Frog: this song is not about rainbow fentanyl. why could the pig only count up to 68?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Miss Piggy: because at 69 she had a frog in her throat. i make the word "pig" beautiful.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-23200584737059300312024-02-02T11:45:00.000-08:002024-02-02T17:17:52.168-08:00CAROTA CARAVAGGIO<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcXvbWdICOQrbjZZJInEQcPFHnmWalPvo8RbcEpcXHZP8CHj5tPZc6yVGBkHTzdg2rE2Q-yP2blrEjM72VpycfwY20ZtYrNHrvrvSBlSrBLZIrRWTUiQ-eb9uqGbOl7AvT-q85qqhaYHqIVJpIDMD0ODuCUzwNyonZ6KBTmR5V-XkRJQBoBH-nF_HeoUA/s1024/Tb3s2BE6QvaetmihKBI2OQ.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="1024" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhcXvbWdICOQrbjZZJInEQcPFHnmWalPvo8RbcEpcXHZP8CHj5tPZc6yVGBkHTzdg2rE2Q-yP2blrEjM72VpycfwY20ZtYrNHrvrvSBlSrBLZIrRWTUiQ-eb9uqGbOl7AvT-q85qqhaYHqIVJpIDMD0ODuCUzwNyonZ6KBTmR5V-XkRJQBoBH-nF_HeoUA/w400-h400/Tb3s2BE6QvaetmihKBI2OQ.webp" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">notes:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Willard Scott: Frutiger, the only font that i could read as Ronald McDonald. the font i used on my Smuckers Jelly job application. it's legible both near and far. yeah NOW people pay attention to 100-year-olds but before ME they were lost to the sands of time, forgotten. Norman Lear, David Attenborough, Jane Goodall, Mother Teresa, Happy 100th, i bought you a Cookie Puss from Carvel as your birthday cake. Bryant Gumbel is handsome but he didn't need to be an asshole to me. ignore and do, ignore and do, that's what my mother always used to mutter to me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Sinead O'Connor: at least now i'm the Pope of Heaven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* the three monks Minster, Cotard, and Codrus are jogging around Treasure Island from <i>Treasure Island</i> in their monk robes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Codrus: i hate being last.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: then pick up the pace, fatso.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cotard: we're roaming for a fellow hermit who will show us how to get off this island.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben Gunn: um, i think you have to build a boat. i'm not crazy, trust me. my mouth isn't full of rocks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Minster: this is starting to sound like another hopeless <i>Gilligan's Island </i>scheme...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* James Baldwin: i have the fivehead of all great writers. the head of an intellectual, a thinker. a thinker writer. and my smile is so deliciously like a kid in a candy store.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Doryce: Bladder Brake, what you need in this day and age to go out to the nightclubs and be seen.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: because you won't have to use the music-venue bathrooms with poo on the walls, dear.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Paul: caca on the walls is my huckleberry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Steejo: hey don't flaunt your wedding in the banner of your YouTube channel. when i see those two rings united as one Twin Ring like a Scottish Green Lantern i get frustrated and sad. that should have been MY marriage, Kakashi stole my life!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Suzy Lu: my assistant does the banner, babe, my assistant changes the banner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steejo: OUR assistant was going to be OUR babysitter...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kakashi: i'm sorry for your pain., my nav. i wanted Suzy to post as the banner the Leaf Village's Mount Rushmore with my face NOT on it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Biden: i wish the Pineapple Express torrential heavy-downpour rain had washed the sign of that independent politician away in the wash...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Chilly's bottle: Chilly Willy's Stanley Quencher.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* George Costanza: i say Happy New Year to people in December...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* hay ball: the ball Lionel Messi learned soccer with, that's why he never commits penalties..</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Bladder Brake: didn't you think it was an exercise handcrank?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Pebble Beach Pro-Am: go home, celebrities, Pineapple Express rain is more beneficial to this area. except for Ray Romano, Ray Romano can stay...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Pro Bowl Games: instead of this, just bring back <i>American Gladiators</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Ear Horn: the cure for long covid? long pepper...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* <i>Lycoris Recoil</i>: there are things to be gained by losing something.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: see? finally one for your silly animes profoundly helps you get over me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'd rather have certainty than hope, security than faith. distraction can only last so long before it dusts into duty. one day this anime will end and i'll be alone again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* all of us inside the rollercoaster at Galaxyland.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: we couldn't do LEGO so we had to settle for Hasbro. Hasbro Land. there are cool Hasbro toys, right? that aren't <i>Star Wars</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chad: damn. i still keep my Thanos Glove next to my drone just in case...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i loved my Mr. Potato Head but i put him in the microwave cuz i was hungry for fries.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: you know, the park sign says all humans should walk 2000 steps a day. my morning walk is only 300 steps!!! that's some bullshit. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chita Rivera: walk to get churros dipped in margarita salt, chile-relleno popcorn, and tomato cotton candy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sammy Davis Jr.: Kim Novak was never as SPICY as you, Chita. Kim would only eat bananas if they were peeled.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Albert Broccoli from the <i>James Bond</i> films: i was the inspiration for James Bond's greatest foe: Mr. Broccoli.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reginald Barclay: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* <i>Aeon Flux</i> "End Sinister".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trevor: the aliens have no orifices at all, how do they.........go to the bathroom? it's not always about wondering how aliens "do it."</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Captain James T. Kirk: yes it is.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aeon: maybe humans have already evolved to their limit. becoming vampires is enough. reading minds is cool but i can't wait 500,000 years.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fred Flintstone: and their alien city is a bunch of stone bowling pins. hey where's that green alien?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aeon: this was the only episode where i got to wear PANTS!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Pickleball Slam 2.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John McEnroe, Steffi Graf, Maria Sharapova, and Andre Agassi: there was a Pickleball Slam 1?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Super Mario: the trashmen come in their trucks and with their gorgeous gloves and sling up my trash and recycle cans into their dumpers.........and then they're gone. just like that. it's 6:43AM in the morning and i'm friendless for the rest of my life again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jim Harbaugh: finally, with me there, Manhattan Beach will be FUN...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cork and Russ: we're never there, we're always at our mammoth log cabin in Mammoth, California next to the ski lift. or our new favorite place: the Santa Cruz Sand Carnival...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Harbaugh: does Body Glove make football wetsuits?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* me: <b>I</b> am the reason i don't drive. because of pedestrians like <b>ME</b>. look at me SKIRTING across the highway intersection JUST as that car was about to make a three-point parallel-park left turn AWAY from the jughandle onto oncoming traffic.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jughead Jones selling oranges by the sidewalk island: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Bill Nye the Science Guy: on these rainy roads you gotta watch out when you're crossing through the intersection, the cars will hydroplane up to you, if that car's a truck you're dead like ground chuck.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Belushi: run over like a Chuck E. Cheese pizza, a cheese collision.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: walking in LIGHT RAIN is so MEDITATIVE...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* TurboTax.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">daughter: i'm making perfume instead of our family's generational pan sweetbread with the pink frosting in the ridges that look like large seashells.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: Macy's sucks as a brand. this bread, on the other hand, is only sold at a Mexican shoppe in Seaside...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">daughter: these conglomerate candy conches have that icky<i> Lord of the Flies</i> energy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: William Golding was the first male feminist.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">William Golding: Lord of the.........Rings? Tolkien was a department hack shunned by his professor peers at Oxford and Stanford when i was writing <i>Flies</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Kathryn from Wendy's: i was a mathlete, too. don't believe me? i'm smiling at you right now, imagine my teeth with braces...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Hyundai Santa Fe.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dad: heavy metal music did not come from Satan, it came from a Norse Viking horn-hat. or maybe from a German pubhall. the point is, the family that knows of the band Mountain STAYS together.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Lamar Jackson: have i ever been in a commercial? think about it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Arnold Schwarzenegger: on Super Bowl Sunday i will become a State Farm agent.........but now i can't, every red shirt they give me rips from my chest muscles...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Lily from AT&T in that gazebo: we have a new drunk to our therapy circle. make him feel welcome, make him feel like family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">group: hi.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Adam Driver: hello. i am Adam Driver when i was skinny...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* TurboTax: only WE predicted Brock Purdy would be a good quarterback. so file with us...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Armani White: before i was a rapper i was just a wrapper. i ate Taco Bell and crinkled up the wrappers and felt sad by my porch. now i travel the world with Eric Andre. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eric Andre: you a jump rapper. you ain't nuthin' but a jump rapper.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* The Farmer's Dog.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">dog: it's time for us dogs to eat REAL FOOD. steak and lobster every night for breakfast. and THEN maybe we'll consider brushing our own teeth with a toothbrush in our paw.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Kate McKinnon: i work for the UPS Store now. we'll protect your valuables. we'll send grandma's ashes to the Pacific Ocean. you need 100 cat combs from Cats R We sent to the funeral? we'll even package a skateboard with the logo of Pawnshop Skate Co with a guy in a ski mask robbing the pawn shop!!! or robbing YOU if you try to pawn anything off there!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tony Hawk: that's a legit skate shop. it's the size of one grey graffiti'd cube on the corner across from the 7-Eleven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Megan Rapinoe: my father never kicked the soccer ball around with me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Frito Lay: chips SHOULD be like Super Bowl confetti. as in make the special Super Bowl chips confetti-like like Fritos...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://ispot.tv/browse">CLICK HERE FOR A VOICE IN THE DISTANCE</a><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">happy weekend, my babies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">TOMORROW: KFC has new potato bowls but are they big enough?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-5584812034838005052024-01-31T11:07:00.000-08:002024-02-01T13:54:45.181-08:00NIGHT SHIFT: BEETLEJUICE AS A HUMAN AND THE MORGUE MONK<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhOwZyIIrgQ3B7wu0V1PamCOwnhhT7T37_5Stix2xU8GElcrX9zsuy2rfp-sZdGKkX4hzlNeWjwCSE1xGPMCYudZ37R2XYREae-nSx17HxamYQB9rqmHl_dtu86DOyuW96oreSrbZtjIKXsTHNDzum8h2oWU3UHG_7W4RnFl2s7zzN9cMmhNt9u5FHJSP0/s1620/a6e7cea4db2c6b84469c4ace31c4c583.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; 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margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="456" data-original-width="800" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJd-zBgfBW12MX2unMd6GHgr_3RRRpgzqof_6D7HddTTLlUhKEHZ2J1-K2q9lz8u4YXpk7Vc9YxVFg8NQqDjcXuQ3RllzsvjEJF12QlYysoQfqP-yjp7d_Pm3LeN-9bHgkwvP3q5tYqtZj414F95N0XxuGhWMIBo5watpWgC6sGJHt-1DpRqQ1a5-Wxgw/w400-h228/Night-Shift-025.png" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikl59HPBw3WsknT1Ac6D6tL5QszI8F_5aq9DdFV-XHB-ZpIXSxQ4c-n7P7xZWZ2UDFUO58cowBAdj0pEUL89kn9JnpJVN-CWCVieI1YbOST_3VxTSBoXUhsbjPTk0imMzrV8DNO_I0Y_6GHmAf5Q596ACU1XnUnICAZKNOvKI0ebcO4zyozo_JlMgxLG0/s1403/MV5BOWZkYjc0MDEtZTEyNC00OWE1LTliNjQtOWM5Mjk0N2U5MGQzXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTM4NTY4MDY@._V1_.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1403" data-original-width="1056" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikl59HPBw3WsknT1Ac6D6tL5QszI8F_5aq9DdFV-XHB-ZpIXSxQ4c-n7P7xZWZ2UDFUO58cowBAdj0pEUL89kn9JnpJVN-CWCVieI1YbOST_3VxTSBoXUhsbjPTk0imMzrV8DNO_I0Y_6GHmAf5Q596ACU1XnUnICAZKNOvKI0ebcO4zyozo_JlMgxLG0/w301-h400/MV5BOWZkYjc0MDEtZTEyNC00OWE1LTliNjQtOWM5Mjk0N2U5MGQzXkEyXkFqcGdeQXVyMTM4NTY4MDY@._V1_.jpg" width="301" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAN5wHiQBZk5umBzMokf9V4M1Y22aE8KtfM3UmuJg5HkLU3_cBQzzbCO63nJM2IH33w3Ke2g-1jQM3fg4w4eE9iE86LG49oVrgGCLR-8W8Ey1iPJtat4ZTKc5BJ7AGriZy9rmrsLwe5cwzx7VduhY4vAjaqO0yz9At80KY16y7meGklcfcswMzNIA4bNs/s720/632_1000.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="480" data-original-width="720" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhAN5wHiQBZk5umBzMokf9V4M1Y22aE8KtfM3UmuJg5HkLU3_cBQzzbCO63nJM2IH33w3Ke2g-1jQM3fg4w4eE9iE86LG49oVrgGCLR-8W8Ey1iPJtat4ZTKc5BJ7AGriZy9rmrsLwe5cwzx7VduhY4vAjaqO0yz9At80KY16y7meGklcfcswMzNIA4bNs/w400-h266/632_1000.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at Galaxyland in Canada.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: oh but this is a kid's amusement park.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: no it's just all the rides are SMALL. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: this place is like me drawing with my marker pens. i'm gonna need one of those orthopedic pillows for my craning neck, i like to snoop. i get whiplash BEFORE the rollercoaster. i'm gonna need a donut pillow for my butt to go on that rollercoaster, when i sit on a donut pillow i get hungry for donuts. i saved my prenatal pregnancy pillow, never got rid of it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this rollercoaster is too fast for me!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa: it's greased with maple syrup to make it extra fast.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: what's that clicking sound, is the roller coaster breaking apart?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa: no that's me clicking 3 tongs to see what decision i should make.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: this is like LEGOLand but of course LEGOS are copyrighted only for U.S. use.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Denmark: people think LEGOS come from the U.S and Playmobil comes from Sweden...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa: what have you been doing with your time, Super Mario?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: ever since my cartoon was canceled i've only gotten work in that Skrillex "Bangarang" video. neck pain is a BITCH when you're going down those fucking green pipes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Maiara Walsh: tell me about it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa: IKEA is here at a booth, your first name backwards with an umlaut over the first vowel is your IKEA name.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: Tap...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: it's confusing cuz is it the first vowel of your FORWARDS name or BACKWARDS name?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chad Reynolds: forwards name.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: are we related?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Dogpatch in San Francisco.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: don't go there...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: yes. me for different reasons, my own kind bites and gets in scrapes for scraps...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce Lee: come on, babe, we really need to get you sober this time. so you can celebrate with a flume of champagne once Dry January is over...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz: recovery is like a midnight sun. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce: let's make a bar bet right now at this bar.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: but all bar bets are secret. that's not in line with telling your sponsor everything...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce: trust me, i used to inline skate...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: maybe if i had been Moldovan i would have had a happier life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">jogging pants: if you're gonna have a cum spot, have it be on jogging pants...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Landon: or wet the bed but become a runner instead of a killer, both lonely lives...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the Good Feet Store in Sand City.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old man: i was born with a sunny disposition. a positive outlook, as Rod Serling would say. then i got toes with carbuncles filled with smelly pus.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rod Serling: story of my life, inspo for my stories.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old man: and my whole attitude about the mysteries of life changed to sour like Olivia Rodrigo.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Olivia Rodrigo: my mood is fine now. balanced mood. cuz i got a pedicure. check me out on those foot-fetish sites.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old man: thanks to The Good Feet Store, they gave me the first shoes in the area: moccasins...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">old man: i got my sunny back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rob from<i> It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia</i>: nobody can pronounce nor spell my last name. just call me Rob Hot Sauce. Wrexham lost so i'm in a bad mood, i got my rainy back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brandon Aiyuk: i've gotten a lot of offers since i made that helmet catch. it wasn't in the Super Bowl like that Giants player but it was still spectacular and flashy. i'm voicing <i>Ladybug & Cat Noir</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen Carfagno: <i>Love Actually </i>is my favorite movie. especially that scene with the porn stars. didn't you think it was Love Comma Actually? Mandela effect like a cruel weather pattern. you saw the REAL inside of my house in that Groundhog Day skit!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Pope: i blocked Michael Jordan's dunk on me. in my pink women's Air Jordans...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">rough vocal: when Doryce has it out with Billy Corgan in bed...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Barker Bird from the Disneyland Tiki Room: i'm older than Bob Barker...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories </i>"Dorothy and Ben".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">doctor: sir, you've awakened from a 40-year coma.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ben: whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">sticky bills: cash-only at the Playboy Grotto...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richie Rich: or it could just be that the dollar bills are NEW...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Scotch bonnet: when Little Miss Muffet has a hot ass.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>NBC News Daily</i>: when soap operas are taken off TV in favor of news, less soothing fiction more swollen information, the world starts to crater...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: it's impossible to gain access BACK to a celebrity once you've lost it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Maiara Walsh: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Maiara Walsh: both meanings...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Masuimi Max: know what Masuimi means? it means meaning...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">David Stern: i'm announcing a trade. Villain Brooks uh i mean Dillon Brooks is being traded for Draymond Green.........can Michael come back?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Aeon Flux</i> "End Sinister".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aeon Flux: starting off in George Jetson outer space...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Loder: The Big 3 of MTV are over: <i>The Head</i>, <i>Aeon Flux</i>, <i>The Maxx</i>. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Loder: the Big 3 of MTV are over: Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and either Alice in Chains or Soundgarden...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories</i> "Dorothy and Ben".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: doesn't it seem like i should write and direct the Steve Jobs story? there's a connection between us, a warm celestial simpatico, i mean we're basically the same person. we looked alike when we were younger...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: imagine a children's ward in a hospital with an arcade cabinet inside the sealed room. it's the <i>Super Mario Bros. 2</i> ARCADE GAME!!! that's why i joined Shriners Hospital and got my red fez and my red blanket...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alice Sachs: i look like Princess Di...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: this episode was filmed in the <i>St. Elsewhere</i> hospital...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: we used soft tape on the girl's forehead.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Natalie Gregory: yeah that first take with the duct tape hurt like a motherfucker.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: this was also the first episode of <i>ER</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: an<i> Amazing Stories </i>episode a day keeps the doctor away.........as in the shrink, these stories are good for your mental health...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Emily Ratajkowski: La Roche-Posay, the dermatology i recommend.........not as an influencer, as a doctor...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nina Desai: or if all else fails, wear a Body Glove wetsuit to protect you from the sun's harsh rays in Manhattan Beach...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richard Gere: there are record-big squirrels in Gaylord, Michigan...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">chookie commercial: see that lady SASHAYING her assy hips with her chookie tray? you GO girl. with dem butty buttery hips.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">George Lucas: there is nothing more HEARTBREAKINGLY DANK than receiving a slip of paper at 7:30 AM in the morning from a fat guy in a yellow hardhat telling you you gotta evacuate your house cuz the floodwaters are coming...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jim Cantore: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">2022 United States gold-medal ice-skating team on the <i>Today</i> Show: this ceremony is ridiculous, the moment has LONG since passed...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leavenworth Electric: commercial. residential. not chair...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">bend-over pants: not sexual just stretchy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Brady: the JUGS machine, how i met my next wife...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tom Cruise in <i>Cocktail</i>: i was a flairtender before there was a name for it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Office Space</i>: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Night Shift</i> and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: look at all those pics up there, those are the BLOOPER PICS!!! when you look up this picture on the internet, it gives you the blooper pics, not any actual stills from the movie. that is hilarious, and so fitting, that was a FUN SET... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: night shift at a morgue alone, it's so.........quiet not quite creepy. peaceful not purgatory. haleful not Hell. energizing not eerie. shift not strange. and i'm not even goth. it's good for your mental health to be a Nine Inch Nails Monk at Berkeley...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: i think i may finally go to college...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: i'm waiting...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alfred E. Neuman: can we take a MOMENT simply to acknowledge that <i>MAD</i>-Magazine-style cartoon art in that <i>Night Shift</i> poster up there? i mean that is BEAUTIFUL CARICATURE, nobody draws like that anymore!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron Howard: i was going through my Sean Connery Scotsman phase...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">tam o'shanter: best steakhouse in L.A.........secret ingredient: Lawry's Seasoned Salt...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: this was MY VERY FIRST ACTING JOB!!! i nailed it out of the park. i was able to showcase my TRUE IDIOSYNCRASIES from the start and i carried it over my career. i was doing Beetlejuice without the makeup here, can't you tell?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley Long: at the time i was the big star on<i> Cheers</i> as this straitlaced woman so of course everyone SALIVATED at the prospect of me being a slutty hooker...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: a four-cornered square, i love that description of me. feet for the Is in Night Shift, morgue feet, tagged and bagged...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron Howard: i forced Henry Winkler to do this as revenge for me having to sit through that Jump the Shark thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richard Belzer: i'm just not a tough guy, i just can't be taken SERIOUSLY as a gangland thug, my face is TOO GOOFY. nobody knows what my eyes look like...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shannen Doherty: i was that girl, the Bluebird scout in the blue beret!!! rape whistle, every girl in the '80s had a rape whistle...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Vincent Schiavelli: as a teacher i went soft on my high-school students cuz i know how hard it is to sling sandwiches and make night deliveries...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: i know but how hard is it to get the order right? why is the order always WRONG? you can't send it back cuz they'll just spit on it. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gordon Ramsay: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Schiavelli: egg-salad, macaroni, tuna, it all tastes like chicken...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Charles Fleischer: am i more known for Carvelli or Roger Rabbit?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mickey Mouse: are you Fleischer from those EARLY still-copyrighted cartoons?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mr. Kotter: Carvelli to the adults, Roger Rabbit to the kids.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alfred E. Neuman to Charles: you're more known for that FRO, i'm jealous...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Charles Fleischer: imagine if Roger Rabbit had talked like Carvelli...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: apparently the Kansas City Chiefs like my work in two weeks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: imagine me on Wall Street, in <i>Wall Street</i>, that movie, that would give me an ulcer. honey can we finally have sex in our New York City apartment?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: impossible, not enough room.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">fiancee: I'M FAT. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: Peloton doesn't exist yet, honey.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">fiancee: Mallomar bar!!! the staple of the '80s. are you inside me? i can't tell, i'm distracted by this Mallomar bar.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: and THIS just makes me fear dogs MORE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: you and me both, buddy. Dobermann Pinschers are just not right in the head, they're creepy horror-movie staples for a reason...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leonard: Barney Rubble is the greatest dramatic actor of our generation.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Humphrey Bogart: i mean he's a good linereader...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: you're a nepo baby but all you got was this lousy morgue...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: i thought you'd be different, i thought you'd have more Fonzie in you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: that's a role. that's a part. i'm nothing like him, leather jackets are CRUEL to animals.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: i'm an ideas man. glitter ketchup. a pill that makes you not die. a fast-food hamburger in which you can eat the wrapper, good for the environment.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: McDonald's already does that.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley Long: hello i'm Belinda Keaton, no relation to Michael. i am related to the English poet tho. we keep the same strange hours.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: breakfast is my dinner.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: i went on <i>Henry Louis Gates</i> on PBS and discovered my family comes from a long line of whores...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: i thought we were friends.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: why are you staying inside one of the rollout slabs at the morgue?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: preparing for my next role sleeping in a coffin as a vampire, that's next week...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: this is every man's dream: a beautiful woman cooking breakfast for HIM on HIS stove in pink panties.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ear Horn: when you add the Sunny D it's called a goth morning, dearie.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: i'm not looking at your butt, i'm looking at your pulled-up pink bobby socks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Green Day: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley: do you have any Lawry's Seasoned Salt in this spice rack? it's an '80s staple. your wallpaper is faded...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: what's IN Lawry's Seasoned Salt anyway? it's so RED.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luigi: turmeric and paprika, numbnuts.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Princess Peach: and sunflower oil like my sunny disposition, bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley: scrambled are a man's egg, runny-yolks are a woman's egg.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gordon Ramsay: how to avoid having fried eggs stick to the pan? BUTTER AND BEADED WATER.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: why is the world's oldest profession illegal? it doesn't make sense...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: let's talk about urges.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: but don't use the example with the Bluebird scout, i beg you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: you'd look good with your head shaved. get rid of those sideburn valleys you got...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">bathtub scene.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: isn't it weird when people IN a movie refer to ANOTHER movie?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jane Fonda in<i> Klute</i>: right? it questions the existence of these characters. are the people in THIS movie real or are the people in THAT movie real?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley Long: i don't have a watch, i have a Swatch...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: no but this bathtub scene is QUITE fetching. very sexy. i'm gonna do this to win Takahashi back, instead of water fill the bathtub with soft fake furs, get naked in clothes, makes the fucking lend itself to LESS CHAFING.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: no LUSH soaps? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: nope, i own a Swatch...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Super Mario: it's IMPOSSIBLE to fuck underwater...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: did you get beat up by your pimp?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelly with swollen eyes: no it's just my smeared makeup. i've been crying for 24 hours.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: okay, that makes sense, i won't pry, i won't do anything further.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dan Fielding: and now this has turned into <i>Night Court</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jean-Luc Picard: speaking of, i immediately recognized you as a Klingon last night...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Larroquette: did i play a Klingon in <i>The Next Generation</i>?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Picard: no, it was because you were WHITE not brown. nice ridge-job tho.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry's father-in-law: whores CAN'T fall in love...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julia Roberts: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: pay attention to my chalkboard <i>Glengarry Glen Ross</i> presentation on pimping.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: you girls got me a purple pimp hat for Christmas.........i look so goofy in it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">prostitutes: we're smart enough to be nurses.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley: sadly, this vintage classic hotel, a symbol of the glamorous '80s NYC skyline, has been razed by.........you know who...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: take me back to NYC BEFORE 2001...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Richard Belzer: is this a gangland shooting or a dentist's-office appointment visit?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: hey, cops get lonely, too...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: i bit my own arm off.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: Blaze Land, i created that from my last name, it's now every marijuana club in every college dorm room...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: this jail scene is offensive to me and my fellow members of the gay community.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the cemetery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: there's a tombstone here carved with the name BEETLEJUICE three times.........hey guys, don't wait up for me, i'm gonna try something, i'm gonna try and dig a hole here...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at Judge Harold T. Stone's office.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Judge Harry Stone: you're lucky this is an election year. we need Andrew Cuomo to become President or all of Trump's New York cases go POOF. like magic. we'll get you off with a warning, prostitution is about getting off anyway.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: let's make a messy situation messier.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: DAMN, you can really cause a lot of BRAIN DAMAGE with a fucking tennis racquet. tennis is RIFE with concussions...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Steven Spielberg: this adult nightclub looks like the nightclub from my live-action <i>Flintstones</i> movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Al Pacino: that's the dude who shot me dead in <i>Scarface</i>!!! pelican cabron.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: <i>you belong in the archives, buddy</i>, that's the best line from this movie.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: i broke three ribs squeezed between the two of you, but true love is worth that. i'm cold out here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: get naked.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley: if you SQUINT hard enough you see the three of us by a crane during the end-credits. we all stayed by that crane for 24 hours before Ron Howard said cut.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron Howard: i forgot. Shelley said she likes em long.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Shelley: as in Long Island.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: i slept in that crane overnight. i have no friends. my parents are dead. in the morning all my muscles were gone. all the socks rolled up into balls left my chest...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Keaton: you're not SEEING the big picture, man.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry Winkler: that's not funny, my father-in-law has degenerative ocular cancer...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Henry: why are you so TWITCHY? are you on drugs?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael: no, i have a lot of anxiety.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the penguin from <i>Neon Genesis Evangelion</i>: let's talk about this soundtrack!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i have this on vinyl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">penguin: Quarterflash is an '80s staple...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dionne Warwick: "That's What Friends Are For" is MY song, you spiky-haired demon!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rod Stewart: i tried so hard to make this song mine but it wasn't to be, it wasn't believable coming from me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Heaven 17 "Penthouse and Pavement": we're missing that Janet Jackson vibe The Human League has...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">penguin: sure, Talk Talk, but that's all talk. i'll leave you with that one song that you have jogging around in your brain RIGHT NOW but you don't know what it's called: Penguin Cafe Orchestra "Perpetuum Mobile". IBM, right? Chevron, right? and either UPS or Waldenbooks. g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-77385814087778301242024-01-29T10:26:00.000-08:002024-01-29T17:20:17.092-08:00TENNIS TWINS: NINES<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwMKUEp5jMtsgR2L0-UegmlYy4fDCb8aK6yXLYqwyyGcl7G6dhfd5DStQ9KmqWWsZOv0GOICDowbJRNPWKUVlVxDd7xPklRXy2bHidwVar1Ny4DWXiTi6BXdsy9_38tDAePOLzZktv_De3GyUdQ1UUVlJ93C2F7KIwQ4XMmqKk2gBPXsrTxbabGSMQWI/s1200/Simona-Halep-wedding_2_20210917_1642168634.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBwMKUEp5jMtsgR2L0-UegmlYy4fDCb8aK6yXLYqwyyGcl7G6dhfd5DStQ9KmqWWsZOv0GOICDowbJRNPWKUVlVxDd7xPklRXy2bHidwVar1Ny4DWXiTi6BXdsy9_38tDAePOLzZktv_De3GyUdQ1UUVlJ93C2F7KIwQ4XMmqKk2gBPXsrTxbabGSMQWI/w400-h225/Simona-Halep-wedding_2_20210917_1642168634.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEh0ajb01_ASI0Zv3_ysEvnjnXezNe3Mf0894bnWPbMTn_lCwB5zCCXHPJmXWD9UcFQ20-rSu4ZypShB1_22q7bPMsYSSjIDdxy5e8twpswpdOaLACRTwF4DlYlLxx36KBYMDCO12WCOaTDTGr52QduLU0uYKrfoeiVNTpZyEkVtTJNYAUBqFQ0E-lHvY/s1600/uqbvz8ih6ozryltmixcs.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1471" data-original-width="1600" height="368" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjEh0ajb01_ASI0Zv3_ysEvnjnXezNe3Mf0894bnWPbMTn_lCwB5zCCXHPJmXWD9UcFQ20-rSu4ZypShB1_22q7bPMsYSSjIDdxy5e8twpswpdOaLACRTwF4DlYlLxx36KBYMDCO12WCOaTDTGr52QduLU0uYKrfoeiVNTpZyEkVtTJNYAUBqFQ0E-lHvY/w400-h368/uqbvz8ih6ozryltmixcs.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8qSN0mXimBl3LxZjmodsShaa3F67YYt2w755xvZVbSL7jNYotsuh4D8zIjZ8jreRHLCyAJ938zaLsUhWeoF5E0l-ICLFaGAb9CtkKcKhC8wUnzOARuvB4hdI7DmbI63GKyB9EEqtGADthLbFTq3ZUi14ET2_ZEBACDEPXFLBynSkUM9EZzQJjxDkirM/s1200/Simona-Halep-wedding_1_20210917_1642168622.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-8qSN0mXimBl3LxZjmodsShaa3F67YYt2w755xvZVbSL7jNYotsuh4D8zIjZ8jreRHLCyAJ938zaLsUhWeoF5E0l-ICLFaGAb9CtkKcKhC8wUnzOARuvB4hdI7DmbI63GKyB9EEqtGADthLbFTq3ZUi14ET2_ZEBACDEPXFLBynSkUM9EZzQJjxDkirM/w400-h225/Simona-Halep-wedding_1_20210917_1642168622.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona Halep is at her wedding. to some guy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona Halep: are you strong enough to be my man?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">guy: hey at least i don't get my strength from PEDs.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona: those drugs were for recovery, man, just for recovery.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lance Armstrong: right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: i'm catering this wedding. <i>Twilight</i> weeping-willow weddings are SO last year. i'm giving free massages to all the guests. in the Keysar tent. free El Paso pockets after. solo travel is not crazy again!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the signing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona: you wanna sign the guestbook? officially with me? i'm giving up half my tennis wealth in this deal. it's not a good look for me if you're a no-name.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the guy stands up.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">guy: honey, don't you know who i am?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GEICO Caveman's wife to her husband: you wanna get back in my good graces? get me a shoulder bag...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GEICO Caveman: like Grace Kelly, got it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">hobo bag: we are the STYLISH ones in the bag family...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Spike Spiegel: that kage in <i>Naruto </i>in the <i>Star Wars</i> blue-hologram glow that looks like ME tho. are we EVER gonna get new <i>Cowboy</i> <i>Bebop</i>.........cartoons?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">anime: we make you cry cuz we animate the flowing of tears in the eyes from the first short pool in the ducts in rivers down the valleys of the facial cheeks so ACCURATELY...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Reeve: the best fireworks are <i>Dr. Stone</i> fireworks. so much so a kid dropped his cotton candy over them.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robin Williams: hey can you do me a favor, Superman? can you collect ALL the fucking gunpowder in the world and grind it into pretty fireworks?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Senku: tournament arcs are lame, i mean look at<i> One Piece</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luffy: you can get the <i>Dr. Stone</i> set: one Medusa ring, one cup of Revival Fluid, along with one Castle Grayskull...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>One Piece </i>toy soldier: remember when the country was gonna get together and form Public Works groups which would speed along the infrastructure of the land? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rebecca: yeah, but that second Obama term seemed to go by in a flash...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rebecca: do you mind if i sing Martika's "Toy Soldiers" to myself again to prepare for gladiatorial combat?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">toy soldier: it's a good song but i'm sick of it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i> "Descent": <i>The Clan of the Cave Bear </i>meets <i>Altered States</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leland Orser: and <i>The Incredible Hulk</i>.........and <i>Teen Wolf</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brendan Fraser: and <i>Encino Man</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leland Orser: i was more menacing on<i> Lost</i>. you can't get the good women unless you're an asshole to get her attention but then on the first date you're discussing classical music with her.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: this was the first <i>Outer Limits</i> with an actual rape.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leland: just from a script standpoint, when i say "fuck off" to that asshole, that was the most satisfying linereading of my career. don't you try to buddy-up to me now that i'm an asshole like you, it don't work that way, right, Mayhem from Allstate?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mayhem: i'm in a timeout until i hear Mariska tell it, until i learn about Mariska's rape-survivor story and REALLY soak it into my personality to change my ways.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jesus: <i>Altered Beast</i>, i mean DAMN, that's a straight-up crucifixion!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">tiny bubbles: Lawrence Welk champagne and baby bottles on the stove at 4AM...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Biden: COME ON MAN!!! he's trying to RELAX at the crack of dawn on his walk of the early morn, and he's confronted by signs in the grass advertising the latest "independent" politician. politics GAVE him his stress that he needs to walk off now!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: since when do you care if people see the cum spot on your pants, dear?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Less and Deen: at least we never did loser laps...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mike Tyson: Bite Society? this is my brand!!! i'm especially partial to the benne wafers...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Habit burger grill: nice FLUFFY soft napkins. no shirt, no shoes, no service UNLESS you have furry feet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie Davis from <i>Highway Through Hell</i>: i ran a towing company. then my daughter entered the UFC and became a kickboxer. now i run a Hope recovery center...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">daughter: i'm a fighter, dad, both meanings...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">bottle box: Flipper's dreamgirl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bottle Box: we're not a box for bottles, we're boxes MADE from bottles.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: Molly Kearney is my DoorDash delivery driver, i kid you not...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: Zardun, my favorite album of mine...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trent Reznor: i really need to go to Zardun, to that retreat resort, i need for things to be QUIET, you know?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector Elizondo: for those nonsense catchphrases Ioz says on <i>The Pirates of Dark Water</i>, i used the swear words my Puerto Rican grandmother hurled at me when i stole candy from her. i STILL steal candy from her as an old man...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bloth: when i evil-laugh, i look like i'm about to sneeze...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Aeon Flux</i> "The Purge".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Aeon Flux: did you ever think you'd hear me speaking jive?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Celine: your two girls are the Partridge Family!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bambara: i'm voiced by Tim Curry, right? i corpsed like a chimney-sweeper when i instantly develop a conscience and start talking beneficently. i laughed my arse off.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trevor: a train bomb for the fairy godmother, that is so Disney...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bomb Pops: the only thing patriotic red-white-and-blue that's COOL!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">human consciousness: apparently it's the assassin droid IG-88 from <i>Star Wars</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julia Ioffe: Instagram is about one thing and one thing alone: sexual frustration.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: you were always smarter than me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: <i>100 Days</i>? sounds like an Ancient Roman Colosseum recovery center, i saw Lindy Lenz at one of those.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz: Roman recovery is relaxing, like a mud bath.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Justin Fashanu: the Hephaestus Halfway House was good for me, they were good to me. Aphrodite the homewrecker was there metalworking her own chastity belt...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: you see how i shameless flaunt my sex appeal on <i>100 Days</i>? i kiss each man on the cheek. i LITERALLY kiss the chef. kiss any man on the cheek and watch him COOK for you...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: you're a dish in search of a dish. hey humans, just so you know, what Leslie Sbrocco is doing, this is the CORRECT WAY TO LIVE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie: it also doesn't hurt if you're completely naked under a Calistoga mud bath...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jesse Jane: CRUEL,<i> SNL</i>, doing those pornography jokes in the last skit on the day i died. tribute means a different thing for me now. where's <b>MY </b>black-and-white photo shown in silence before the commercial break?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Alabama farmer: i'm in a tough bind. get it? combine. thresher. a Bind-en. i'm a red-blooded American but i need Chinese tech to farm!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Madame Pons: i've never seen a men's book club...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mona Lisa: i prefer my chicken noodle soup cold...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ariana Araiza: what do you do at night when it gets chilly? errands? walk the cat? do you fuck with a sweater on?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">football: the ONLY thing that brings ALL Americans together from now on...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Goodell: i'm not wearing any pants...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Starbucks: why aren't there 20 people squirreling outside our coffee shoppe every morning at 7:30AM? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: all the crumbs? of their donutholes?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bill Gates: i have a calming face. i'm your non-crazy grandpa. the future's gonna be okay. my wrinkled-from-wisdom face calms better than coffee...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nikki Haley: Halley's Comet? no. Hailey's Comet? no. Haley's Comet...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">white box: when you can't understand Marilyn Manson...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">grey box: you will NEVER understand cats...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">at the NFC Championship.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Jackson: in the '80s they trotted a REAL LION out onto the field. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Erin Andrews: i'm the real lioness on the field today...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Brandon Aiyuk: i'm the Shinigami from <i>Death Note</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona Halep: who are you?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">guy: i'm Joey Graziadei!!! it's been a crazy day. i am NOT Joey Graceffa. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona: who is that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joey Graziadei: i'm the former tennis pro who became The Bachelor. i'm not religious but i played my college ball at Opus Dei.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">The Pope: in front of me. your tennis trunks were TIGHT.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona: fine but are you smart enough to be my man? see what i'm scribbling in the guestbook? decipher it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joey: nines? huh, i don't get it. we're both nines, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Simona: nines is an anagram for tennis. no marriage.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert gets up from her seat in the wedding crowd.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: solo travel is good for the soul. solo travel is nourishing. solo travel is back on...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: my fellow guests, bitches of honor, and liturgical men, i can't do this shit anymore, my marriage is a sham.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors: sit down, honey, you're making a scene. making the scene is a good thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy Corgan: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: ...but making a spectacle of oneself makes me uncomfortable. i hate when people stare at me and think i'm a monster. want me to put "Puttin' on the Ritz" on the car radio to calm you down?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: i've decided i'm gonna marry Martina Navratilova who is my TRUE soulmate. we're gonna do it on <i>That's Incredible</i> that 1980 show with my dear friend and former tennis pro Cathy Lee Crosby.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: but Cathy Lee Crosby is fat and in a wheelchair now.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cathy Lee Crosby: hey buddy fuck you, that's your overheated imagination getting the best of your fat fetid overeager hipless ass. i'm still the blonde babe who was in that<i> Land of the Lost </i>ripoff show...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron Harper: i played for the Bulls, the Lakers, and<i> Land of the Lost</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-28850025300661068372024-01-26T11:05:00.000-08:002024-01-27T11:10:00.425-08:00OIRAN DANCE<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzk-L9Ni0P6ca-mpxhodMiPT2K5Sx5uUvE5hZvuxIiA56MMzsNuT0LJ6BYe75wc6IdwKwjMcQ3v1t90xUweiBN0XLYu08ALiX02iIiNokLyYHaqIlHkpyHRKAePgz3dsj7Pxeqm3nPhCAfzLkigU8xkG_50Legay5P87Ot3iNJCKTyj5wt8yeHUW7vOaI/s1024/Oiran_2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1024" data-original-width="683" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgzk-L9Ni0P6ca-mpxhodMiPT2K5Sx5uUvE5hZvuxIiA56MMzsNuT0LJ6BYe75wc6IdwKwjMcQ3v1t90xUweiBN0XLYu08ALiX02iIiNokLyYHaqIlHkpyHRKAePgz3dsj7Pxeqm3nPhCAfzLkigU8xkG_50Legay5P87Ot3iNJCKTyj5wt8yeHUW7vOaI/w266-h400/Oiran_2.jpg" width="266" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRAtBdXrdNpujRP6mdXZVzGSjeb03t359a4Nqp7NXHtRQXShtODRTuErvyqcjt2FvzGb93yuU_YSkECVWKeuTfZzPYosKDUN34eoqdWQ8w_PqUAIZcnmMhjjSvF9cQVy11CJV_9m1ns5-deeJQ72WeVJL2I2e8aHaD53UR4c-skwDtgLyDEi9uM22qZK0/s1359/Kisaragi_Tayu_2016.04.10.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1359" data-original-width="800" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRAtBdXrdNpujRP6mdXZVzGSjeb03t359a4Nqp7NXHtRQXShtODRTuErvyqcjt2FvzGb93yuU_YSkECVWKeuTfZzPYosKDUN34eoqdWQ8w_PqUAIZcnmMhjjSvF9cQVy11CJV_9m1ns5-deeJQ72WeVJL2I2e8aHaD53UR4c-skwDtgLyDEi9uM22qZK0/w235-h400/Kisaragi_Tayu_2016.04.10.jpg" width="235" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">notes:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Dishoom: the Wilhelm Scream of Bombay...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Denny's: gunpowder potatoes? they taste a little chalky. don't compare them to our red potatoes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Catherine Mary Stewart: you can only play video games at an arcade...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Kelli Maroney in <i>Night of the Comet</i>: THIS room looks like the abandoned set of a Nickelodeon game show. there's a large circular hot tub here but there's no water only steam. the hot steam is steaming my wet clothes soaking them through as they cling to my skin, i can do a nude scene WITH MY CLOTHES ON!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Kelli Maroney: can steam be cold? is there such a thing as cold steam? cold steam?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kelli Maroney: macaroni? Rice-a-Roni, they're the same thing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Daimler: we deal in dimes.........as in we steal from large downtown multinational silver skyscraper banks in the denomination of dime coins...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Ralph Macchio: a <i>Karate Kid</i> '80s cartoon? haven't thought that far ahead...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* THE CICADAS ARE COMING!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">anime: we know.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Silverdome: the entire city of Detroit is Downtown Los Angeles...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Silverdome: home to the SilverHawks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Silversea: how do you hold onto a memory? how do you KEEP a memory? you need FUCKING MONEY. you need to drop the Silverdome gently onto the platform of a cruise ship...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* superintendent: people don't become superintendents just for the sexual harassment...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Biden: the election will come down to HYPERSTIMULATION...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* mom: remember during covid when it was suggested that everyone get out of the house and go for a walk outside EVERY SINGLE DAMN DAY?!!! for health. well i did just that.........and THAT is what caused my knee to buckle requiring a hellish wait for surgery...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tim Heidecker: that sounds like my life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* the pitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Abbot Butt wearing a Doc Brown wig: remember, here at the monastery THERE ARE NO PHONES...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lucio stroking his chin: intriguing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* jollificate: popcorn lover</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Tension Tamer: when THIS is the ONLY item you put down on the conveyor belt at the grocery store, that's a red flag...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">chamomile: have you ever actually DRUNK chamomile tea?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">walker: when was the last time an old man in a beret walked up to you and said "Good Day" in that <i>Fraggle Rock </i>way.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary Collier: i was the basis for Fuerza...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Ana Mendieta: FINALLY.........justice...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Stu: my favorite song is the Smashing Pumpkins one, not the Beatles one...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Lady-Datejust: what all Madames aspire to be...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Federer: someone stole my Rolex, walked up to me and snatched it right off my wrist...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* <i>Georgics</i>: Virgil's poems about kernels...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Beverage antenna: used for watching the Super Bowl for FREE while on coke.........drinking Coke...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Goodell: i smashed the damn thing in my home...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Pageland: where Charles Dickens was born...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* electronica: it's not just video-game music...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Catherine Mary Stewart: right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jen and i are at La Bicyclette restaurant in Carmel.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: now this is more our speed. get it? as in ten-speed cuz we don't drive.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but we don't really ride bikes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i gotta get in a<i> Muppet Movie </i>mood first, you know?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lance Armstrong is banging on the front door which is a gate.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lance Armstrong: let me in!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: why is Lance Armstrong banned from here?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne Michaels: because he hosted <i>SNL</i> AFTER the dope thing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lance: because i washed dishes INSTEAD of eating...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jannik Sinner: eat your carrots, bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Novak Djokovic: i ate a whole bag of those little brussel-sprout balls, i was farting up a storm the whole match. gluten-free farts.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lucio: there he is, Jannik Sinner, there's the man, there's my countryman, i'm happy for him.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Carota Boys: we're like VeggieTales but we work for Satan...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jannik Sinner: the Devil is the ultimate sinner, not me, avert your gaze AWAY from me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Carmen Miranda: you know, there's nothing more beautiful, more PRECIOSA, on God's banana Earth than a GIGANTE stack of 80 corn tortillas...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* crooked lettuce: from Salinas...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Bustamante in a puffy coat: don't test me. i'll say it. i'll say it HERE.........go Lions.........and i'm not from Detroit...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Gold Bond: do not attempt.........to be a model. it's too hard, this business is SAVAGE...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Rachel in the Verizon commercial: i didn't get the part cuz they said i was too dramatic in my audition...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* woman in the Verizon commercial: so i thought i was trying out for a football referee...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Airbnb.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Reeve: somewhere in a hotel you want to be <i>Somewhere in Time</i> in a hotel...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Christopher Reeve: you want to be at the tension tip, the pressure point where Playmobil meets <i>The Sims</i>. you're not a family until you dress in the same pajamas. when was the last time you went to bed at 6:30? PM? fireworks are the best NOT on Dec 31...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Amazon.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: there is NOTHING more beautiful than being a first-time father up at 4AM placing a baby bottle of formula in a small saucepot of boiling water on the stove.........waiting for those first tiny bubbles to form...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Marcus is a connoisseur of junk. from your first frat loungechair to that Ross from <i>Friends </i>GIANT ice-cream-cone pillow to those mushroom lamps that are in the shape of a mushroom, not used to toke LSD. and those big plastic boxes that are supposed to look like glass that house his Garbage Pail Kids cards. and his hockey cards. do they make hockey cards? why? yes we all went to Bard College...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Lily from AT&T: you won't recover from heroin addiction unless it's done in a gazebo. my gold necklace says DUST not AT&T. like my cut-off goth boots?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">woman: i bought 4 sweaters. 4 is an unlucky number, it doesn't keep you MORE warm.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other woman: i'm just here for the cheese plate. the paper cheese plate.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Prevagen: okay we REALLY HATE this commercial. if you don't remember to take your memory pills...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Gronk: why is Jon Stewart at this board meeting?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Cena: i voted for Bernie Sanders.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Saquon Barkley: i don't do my taxes myself not cuz of the hand, because i'm in the NFL, duh.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* GEICO.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Caveman: they would NEVER replace me with the SoBe lizard...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">wife: i mean the GEICO Gecko can do a science-fair cardboard triptych in the 9th Grade, can you do that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Caveman: no i never went to school.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">wife: suddenly what you did for the knot in my shoulders is less sexy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Samsung Galaxy: Computer, i need you. get me one of those lamps that looks like a Wes Anderson hairless dog...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Popeyes woman: i got that Cecilia-Phillips-cleavage energy goin' on.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cecilia Phillips: you want cakes? eat shortcake.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://ispot.tv/browse">CLICK HERE FOR INCREMENTAL THERAPY</a><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">happy weekend, my babies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">TOMORROW: i'm gonna try something quite novel. a very special day tomorrow, i'm gonna try and END-AROUND into getting DoorDash to deliver me McDonald's at my door. you can go to the McDonald's site, ask for the SPECIFIC location in Monterey by the bay, and watch the Monterey McDonald's magic sparks fly.........maybe. what would i get after so long? large McDonald's fries is a staple every Saturday supper. and a small McDonald's Coke cuz i haven't drunk McDonald's Fountain Coke since <i>Dinosaurs</i> was a hit TV show. those fountains are expensive.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-10189428296012277102024-01-24T10:06:00.000-08:002024-01-24T20:38:14.998-08:00NIGHT OF THE COMET: SAVAGE WRITING<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcc2_f5PXVBgZBDWssusfIo7QHKCxHztBvLDse2PIhfYVllEIZhW9JKmNDI0WEa8_6av4uBDJbHR2GpAxgZT36TyVTxjAzT-qupeA0IILCsbtd94kYOkHxNTNX6lhs41i0HepNKY2rNThsYBDshw1YLMfzfVBQlvnIdekpOMMLBrt8h37JHiBUO-aP0xE/s1600/l-intro-1673636439.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcc2_f5PXVBgZBDWssusfIo7QHKCxHztBvLDse2PIhfYVllEIZhW9JKmNDI0WEa8_6av4uBDJbHR2GpAxgZT36TyVTxjAzT-qupeA0IILCsbtd94kYOkHxNTNX6lhs41i0HepNKY2rNThsYBDshw1YLMfzfVBQlvnIdekpOMMLBrt8h37JHiBUO-aP0xE/w400-h225/l-intro-1673636439.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY21ZjWb_s0fabbTQT9HJ31ip64EaSaMg0zYynjMWChuhuFboxWUOjM6T_uPnS_RtRoHtbDPjiK_RIzy3TNdIEYOJ3K6mRxvOIAJmGaNV2lOrpFvxwY5fnRNwyUrLDhAm2oDG8WipqMa6dXn-E9H_-IcM-43r86bW4Xe4zDqE4mbUSvwme56iEiJj_pDU/s1777/Night-of-the-Comet-1984-scene.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="999" data-original-width="1777" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiY21ZjWb_s0fabbTQT9HJ31ip64EaSaMg0zYynjMWChuhuFboxWUOjM6T_uPnS_RtRoHtbDPjiK_RIzy3TNdIEYOJ3K6mRxvOIAJmGaNV2lOrpFvxwY5fnRNwyUrLDhAm2oDG8WipqMa6dXn-E9H_-IcM-43r86bW4Xe4zDqE4mbUSvwme56iEiJj_pDU/w400-h225/Night-of-the-Comet-1984-scene.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy4yBxTNzBSyoILImmAeE_Byffsnu_DmRxBSAjAdkx139EI_q7WayoEHsBTkSaYiumCRPm0khewl_p-kVCDHpxUX99TO_x_DPTSMZfcd7cTDxd-tbyHfu7R2tap4bsR6XbtYPka_ZFfU9yWYjXUpFOr0nQxrXcmgc2pKT3diBnciPJ8ZPlMqt9lUvZ7hM/s750/Night-of-the-Comet-1984-Movie-Scene-9.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="750" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy4yBxTNzBSyoILImmAeE_Byffsnu_DmRxBSAjAdkx139EI_q7WayoEHsBTkSaYiumCRPm0khewl_p-kVCDHpxUX99TO_x_DPTSMZfcd7cTDxd-tbyHfu7R2tap4bsR6XbtYPka_ZFfU9yWYjXUpFOr0nQxrXcmgc2pKT3diBnciPJ8ZPlMqt9lUvZ7hM/w400-h214/Night-of-the-Comet-1984-Movie-Scene-9.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimPg05nlwS-VhvIVa1HVIQ4fiGHUWvP63oiAFqELy5EnsHXzeE-_C5jOdIJvJtCJEUUu7qrquKOC5y5-DZnCaRKPueL-w-B66i2T6zah7KUYRHIYAoYmC_alXipFiqOW1aw18CAQ5DZmPZ_i1bhnvLoy48itpPUqoLrE4CaOdX0peEw5HdfIuASVsHvGY/s1024/night-of-the-comet-1984-00003-copy-1024x555.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="555" data-original-width="1024" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimPg05nlwS-VhvIVa1HVIQ4fiGHUWvP63oiAFqELy5EnsHXzeE-_C5jOdIJvJtCJEUUu7qrquKOC5y5-DZnCaRKPueL-w-B66i2T6zah7KUYRHIYAoYmC_alXipFiqOW1aw18CAQ5DZmPZ_i1bhnvLoy48itpPUqoLrE4CaOdX0peEw5HdfIuASVsHvGY/w400-h216/night-of-the-comet-1984-00003-copy-1024x555.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9iQ15QQD1xlCjr0gcWJ1CFGr_6uQ98-ljllU9WeOMzlj7WswZaT0LEJY-Z-wNv9mEu4hQsbEty1xGSGheozHnKx0bKYxX-YXF6_ohCNXVITg6d65S_bbsV_E8G6mN6QSx_YzqCX32VXpgKGQrXV6DF_Ek8J9bBJFT5xzEZY5pdiNDgmwjIkjMkaO4zU/s1024/nightofthecomet1984_1024x767_04262013041832.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="767" data-original-width="1024" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiS9iQ15QQD1xlCjr0gcWJ1CFGr_6uQ98-ljllU9WeOMzlj7WswZaT0LEJY-Z-wNv9mEu4hQsbEty1xGSGheozHnKx0bKYxX-YXF6_ohCNXVITg6d65S_bbsV_E8G6mN6QSx_YzqCX32VXpgKGQrXV6DF_Ek8J9bBJFT5xzEZY5pdiNDgmwjIkjMkaO4zU/w400-h300/nightofthecomet1984_1024x767_04262013041832.webp" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R and i are at the car show.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: but why?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i know, right? we both hate cars.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: Takahashi gave us the reco. he said there'd be some lookers, some once-in-a-blue-mooning cars here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: i love showing my open butt on the open road. okay that Batmobile over there is pretty cool.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">we both get into the vehicle.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: you're driver's side, i will NEVER be driver's side.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: any beverages before i start driving? posset for me cuz it sounds like opossum which no one can spell.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: syllabub for me cuz it sounds like syllabus.........i'm finally confronting my college demons of having one more year left i didn't finish.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: if you don't finish you can't keep a girl.........in bed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen at the wheel: anyway i'm not available. i have a fam. are you feeling better about this? have you calmed down?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i know. it was a large pipe dream anyway. i blew my last manifest brownleaf into the sky this morning, no more me praying<i> Jen R is my wife</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: keep the prayer, just turn it into a warlock spell.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: can i still be your work husband?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen: we need a publisher.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i am TERRIBLE at money matters, the financial side of art. i went to Berkeley for English not Business.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">down Santa Monica Blvd and onto the PCH Freeway, our car transforms like a Transformer from a Daimler limousine into a 1939 Alfa Romeo Spider into a Fiat Spider and finally into a gnarly Transformer metal spider.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Optimus Prime: deja vu? lay off the day-old oil, get yourselves sober, you weak humans. Megatron is my brother...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce Lee: i'm feeling lovelorn.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy Lenz: better than feeling lovesick.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce: i put on pads and skated down Lombard Street.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: in MY Thrasher sweater. yeah i saw you on YouTube. no helmet?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce: i was on rollerblades not a skateboard.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: oh okay. all skateboards have Warped wood from the record label Warp so they're magic, you won't fall off. you know i really thought a Mr. Rogers trolley car was gonna smash into you when you got down the base of the hill at the intersection.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce: instead i ended up trying a new flavor of Rice-A-Roni: lemon. take me back?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lindy: not until Jackson and his Computerband's song "Vista" becomes OUR song...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai and Luke Russert are at Lawry's The Prime Rib in Beverly Hills.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lawry's: the prime rib here is salty...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luke Russert: take me back.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: no. but i do have a cold Jack in the Box taco in a paper sleeve sprinkled with a Salt Bae pinch of Lawry's Seasoned Salt. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luke: i will take that offer. i will make that deal.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: and i get the HOT tiny tacos in the box cylinder in the Jack in the Box brown bag with space facts on them. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Neil deGrasse Tyson: i like that, Jack in the Box space FACTS as opposed to space TRIVIA...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tai: and the HOT birra sauce...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tears for Fears "Advice for the Young at Heart" music video: has that <i>Boxing Helena</i> quality to it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julian Sands: that black woman on piano should be in your band permanently...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories</i> "The Doll".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Lithgow: i am an old-maid uncle. that is such a depressing term. what's a male old maid called? an old manservant. hey remember when my show was cool and all of America shortened it to just <i>3rd Rock</i>?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tina Fey: no.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Lithgow: yeah the whole country watched it, and Canada, it was appointment television. but me, i watched <i>Early Edition</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Greykid: a cat birthed that show. a cat birthed the entire galaxy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Romancing the Stone</i>: an allegory on prediabetes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jamie Erdahl: i'm a pregnant woman wearing shorts and showing my legs, i don't give a fuck anymore, i'm me. AND i'm wearing tight black latex pants while pregnant, i'm JUST THAT HOT!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: are tiny rattlesnakes the size of a dime slithering around in the dirt of my ear supposed to be circular? immediately as i come to the Red Yellow Brick Road clearing of the Barnyard hilly sloping downward path next to the Swiss fondue bistro, i fart. rain is the BEST, it washes out the world's caked-in grime. stubborn cling. i go back up that Red Yellow Brick Road to that sad sax, saxophone spelling my doom. and i see an all-happy couple with their dog, that really gets my goat. maybe i should get a pet goat...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Weird Science</i> Magazine: will get soiled like a girlie mag soon, pages stuck together like glue.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jason Kelce: that Travis Kelce thing he does forming his gloved hands in the shape of a heart...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kelce mom: form of a heart...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jason: that sign back up to Taylor Swift in the penthouse box is so WHOLEHEARTEDLY LAME that i hope the Ravens take care of business on Sunday.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Travis Kelce: hey bro, i didn't want to say anything, but our mom is kinda creepy, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jason: yeah. and Taylor likes her, which makes me suspicious of Taylor...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Amazing Stories</i> "The Doll"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Lithgow: this has a<i> Somewhere in Time </i>quality to it. it's set in the '70s but my CAR is from the 1870s. it's not creepiness, it's loneliness. oh well, at least loneliness isn't a problem anymore in the 21st century...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ms. Dickinson: for a schoolteacher i sure do have a large house.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Lithgow: me, too. the episode never says what i do for a living, i guess it's implying we're both lonely people cuz we have no time for anything else but work. i'm a hitman btw...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">razor clams: NOT for chowder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: i will not address you unless you say you're Pazific...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Call of Duty League: we have mansions bigger than Milton Berle. we're millionaires. we can't build a house, we can't pick up a hammer and nail like Jimmy Carter, we play video games...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Carter: i'm fucking 100 years old.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nick Kyrgios: my playing career is over.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John McEnroe: SAY WHAT NOW, NAV?!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nick: i don't have the <i>Naruto</i> fire in my belly. tennis is second to tushie in my life now. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: come on you deflating dudebro dingo, you just need to get the same knee surgery i did.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nick: but what about my depression?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">mom: ask my son...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Anna Kalinskaya: you're not a bad boy, you're a bad person.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nick: take me back, Kali!!! give me another chance. i ate some bad sushi, that's all.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sloane Stephens: this is true.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Waystar: we're in holdings...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andy from <i>Parks and Rec</i>: you betta...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jesus Christ on the MTV <i>Real World</i> set.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jesus: i ain't gonna get you through the pain of your breakup. praying to me ain't built like that. best consult that medicine man at 7-Eleven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Soundbeaver "Bright and Positive": Hello Meteor's "Bright and Overcast" but with NO SALT, no Lawry's Seasoned Salt, no seasoning, tasteless like vanilla ice cream.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hello Meteor: i add the Woody Woodpecker spice to mine.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cameroon: we are KICKING ourselves over Embiid...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Biden: the election's gonna come down to DOPAMINE...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rob Huebel: of course i'm the star of <i>Night Court</i>, it makes sense, i was the star of <i>Childrens Hospital </i>during the ENTIRE Obama Administration...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">India de Beaufort: *lioness growl* i love your WHITE HAIR. i wanna rub my fingers through your WHITE HAIR.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rob: thank. a Rob rub. it's the Anderson, gives me a distinguished Ted Danson look.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rob Corddry: why am i the only one without a Wikipedia entry?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Paul Scheer: Huebel's natural white hair color, he had to dye it during the <i>Childrens Hospital </i>run cuz adult swim hates white hair.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">India: are you my boyfriend now?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rob Huebel: for one episode.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Rauch: i'm gonna end up with Wyatt, right? i'm one step ahead of you, writers...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: it's always spooky when the breezy jazz music plays over the abandoned loudspeakers at The Barnyard at 7:30AM and no one's there. then again it'd be eerier if there was NO MUSIC. flickering toadstool lamp by my foot. is that a brownleaf or shell-less snail? is that a berry or a cherry Skittle?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Barnesy: Rangeley, Maine, the last autumn hometown, the only spot the <i>St. Elmo's Fire</i> reboot can take place now...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Stephen King: halcyon until...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: <i>Night of the Comet </i>and go.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: the writing here is SAVAGE, it's CYNICAL, i love it!!! why do people care SO MUCH about these B horror films? they go GAGA CRAZY over this stuff, they study every line of dialogue and every costume change. they OBSESS in a way they'd never over <i>Forest Gump</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: the people in B movies are REAL PEOPLE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye: these people are more relatable somehow, they're your next-door neighbors, they're ordinary folk put through extraordinary circumstances. usually in zombie form.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Thom Eberhardt: um, excuse me, the word "zombie" is never used in my film...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: red-blooded Americans who use guns to stop the violence...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ava Gardner: excuse me, am i on the right film set?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">GEICO Gecko: that's<i> Night of the Iguana</i>, miss...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tennessee Williams: that's a miss...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Joss Whedon: FINE. I GIVE. Buffy Summers came from THIS. turns out a lot of ideas aren't as original as you'd like to think...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Catherine Mary Stewart: i know, i look and act exactly like Linda Hamilton from <i>The Terminator</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Arnold Schwarzenegger: <i>Night of the Comet</i> has a nostalgic quality to it.........which is impossible because it's an '80s movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Catherine Mary Stewart: the script reads like an episode of <i>The Outer Limits</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Catherine Mary Stewart: what's the deal with that pic above? i look i'm in a commercial for Payless...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Neil deGrasse Tyson: Halley's Comet was the BIG story around this time in 1984, it came in 1986.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Halley's Comet: i was NOT an apparition. everyone thinks it's Hailey's Comet, Mandela effect.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie Belmont: i'm a girl with the name Reggie. i'm a descendant of the Belmonts of <i>Castlevania</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye Luggage: a woman who's a video-game wizard? IMPOSSIBLE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fred Savage: yes. savage writing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: i'm starting to learn <i>Tetris</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Catherine Mary Stewart: i was also a video-game ace in <i>The Last Starfighter </i>who was attracted to fellow video-game wizards. women DO hang out at the arcade, it's dark in those arcades. i know this particular cabinet is <i>Tempest</i>, not the "game with the arrows and the spears"...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: did you miss me? i was in the opening crowd...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: big party going on. do you feel like a dinosaur?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kelli Maroney: this is AFTER <i>Fast Times at Ridgemont High</i>.........think about it...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kelli Maroney: i like Rice-a-Roni. and chips, i auditioned for Light Yagami...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Beltran: CHAKOTAY!!! it's me, Chakotay from<i> Star Trek: Voyager</i>!!! you didn't recognize me without my face markings, huh. i didn't want to be a cholo in this but it doesn't matter, i eventually become the coolest Native American in fucking outer space!!! the Indian in your life who recommends this film to you will be the most spirit-cave warmest wonderful friend of your existence.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sharon Farrell: why do all stepmoms have to be BITCHES?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: i love that the poster for the movie <i>Red Dust</i> is up on the wall of the indie movie house.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jean Harlow: Clark Gable couldn't get it up. i'm serious. and when he did get it up it never STAYED up...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Clark Gable: frankly my dear i need help.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: DMK? Donkey Man Kong? DMV Kong? i know who it's gonna be in the end, it's gonna be Ferris Bueller...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: the best i can do is a projectionist named Larry?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry: no sweat, kid, you're only 18 years old, i'm just your FIRST boyfriend...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: so, we fuck in this steel-lined projectionist booth. steel, that's gonna be important later on. it's a whole Wolverine thing going on, i'm also a woman who PORES over comic books. this is a TRUE GIFT i'm giving you here.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Larry: yes. i get it i mean i understand it. you're hot and young and you wear those badass jeans, i understand...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Charles Rocket doing the <i>SNL Countdown</i> on TV...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Samantha: punch me RIGHT in the face, a REAL PUNCH, i want to feel it, i want you to hit me, it'll look more realistic...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">stepmom: that hurt more than when your father went off to Costa Rica to fight those Sandinistas who are all WEAK. Reagan America Fuck Yeah!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eye: hey it's the same cul-de-sac neighborhood street lined with those MASSIVE wood log-cabin two-story houses that was in that movie <i>Valley Girl</i>!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eberhardt: i threw in a little <i>Repo Man </i>as well of course. i am everhard with all the Los Angeles County references.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: i was walking my invisible dog. POOF. now i have this STIFF leash that i guess i'll use as a sex toy, i am a cheerleader after all.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: we're the last people on Earth.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: nah, it's just a really poorly-attended yard sale...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: tell me where did you sleep last night...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: i swallowed Sam in the swaddling clothes of my plaid shirt in one of those omnipresent '80s Oscar the Grouch circular trash cans under a wood bridge...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Red Dawn</i>: what's with this red sky?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: a lot of people ate a lot of beetroot. farts everywhere. i WISH it were the same ol same ol L.A. smog.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: on the plus side, we don't have to go to the mall, all these clothes that just DROPPED to the dusty sidewalk are ours now!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: but the Galleria is COOL.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Casey Kasem: this is Casey Kasem. well my disembodied voice. i am LIVE right now but i sound like a recording.........Rick Dees is a WUSS...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rick Dees: call me Rock Deez Nuts. this is a radio station but it's really a rec room...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: what were you doing in the back of your truck? fucking?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector Gomez: helping my mother. border stuff, you two white girls wouldn't understand.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: mi madre es su madre.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector: wish me luck, i gotta go down to Van Nuys...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: you know until we saw <i>Rambo</i> on Christmas Day, i thought Uzis were a brand of lollipop.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: Uzis were THE gun of the '80s. they were the new thing, the shiny object, guns that looked like library books...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">First Interstate Bank: the only bank of the '80s, the first time you saw a bank in a CLEAR SILVER SKYSCRAPER tall building with Terminator liquid-metal. that orange-and-brown logo sign hovered over your little kid dreams...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bank of America: it was a magical L.A. time in your carpet dreams. you NEVER went downtown, drove down that straightaway, Downtown Los Angeles was a mystical land... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie and Sam singing and dancing at the mall: girls just wanna have fun.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Cyndi Lauper: i allowed it ONLY because it was the Galleria...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: you think Hector is a HUNK? is Hector a FOX?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: he's just kind of okay.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Beltran: that is REALLY RUDE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dick Rude: haha, those girls said you SUCK, bro.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary Woronov: <i>Lost</i>, the Dharma Initiative, let's pick up the pace, people...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary: i'm giving you a placebo sedative instead of the zombie vaccine cuz i hate my job. all scientists are assholes. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: so i won't really be dead?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary: sleep. and dream of being with Hector...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary: what's that rash on your body?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: Hector's lovebite...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector: what was in your suicide note?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mary: i wish a certain someone had taken me back. actually i wish i had found someone...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector: this room is the perfect place for an air-hockey table...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">scientists: we left the ventilation on. that's what you're supposed to do during covid, right?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">interrogator: have you ever been pregnant?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: that is the worst six weeks in EVERY girl's life...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Wheels: why does this movie look like <i>Degrassi</i> now?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>alms for the poor, Kids For Heaven...</i></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: what do brains taste like?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">TMNT: bubblegum.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Janice Kawaye: hey look at me!!! look at me ON THE SCREEN!!! this is the ONLY time you get to see ME as something OTHER than an anime voice!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Melissa Maker: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robert Beltran: i do a better cowboy accent than Clint Eastwood!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">rain: and rain washes away the dust. like the fire which killed all the Black Plague rats in London... </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: you know you're really rubbing it in my face. i'm single and you have the perfect all-happy family.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: there is nothing more BEAUTIFUL than a family of four.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie: little sis, look both ways before you cross the street, what if Biden wins and the world returns to normal?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: you're cute. AND you have a car. how'd you survive?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">DMK: survive? a zombie apocalypse? when did this happen?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Sam: AND dumb, the perfect man for me!!! sorry about the snub, Greta Gerwig...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Reggie and her family Hector and the two kids, one girl and one boy, toss the football around in a WIDE Downtown Los Angeles avenue through the end credits.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Hector: this would make a great Super Bowl commercial...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: the song "Virgin in Love" is the quintessential soundtrack song which speaks to your ILK, to your group of people of your generation. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bruce Willis: <i>Night of the Comet </i>is the BEST CHRISTMAS MOVIE EVER. my mind is still lucid enough to recognize that, recognize what we ALL have determined. g'night folks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-15176130811926311682024-01-22T10:02:00.000-08:002024-01-22T16:59:57.234-08:00TENNIS TWINS: TENNIS ELBOW<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDLwmFqAH9wE5Tn8laYYhOlCSNHUOuDzhQzeR-YLa9vkW1NbHPt2ooRI2w2KCnItjA0_TEnrPTsShyO6YRRheZ8sjEAgOIee9ZiCoN0pVYIlPLSkibx_igpDKaDKcq0oj_wzsOQPCXdmRqIGMPHbjhh0Su5WWOeV5XxBx8OvtHqAQXO63RfHZXZNEaVc/s465/5198.webp" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="279" data-original-width="465" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMDLwmFqAH9wE5Tn8laYYhOlCSNHUOuDzhQzeR-YLa9vkW1NbHPt2ooRI2w2KCnItjA0_TEnrPTsShyO6YRRheZ8sjEAgOIee9ZiCoN0pVYIlPLSkibx_igpDKaDKcq0oj_wzsOQPCXdmRqIGMPHbjhh0Su5WWOeV5XxBx8OvtHqAQXO63RfHZXZNEaVc/w400-h240/5198.webp" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy and Chris are in the stands at the Australian Open.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors: there's something different this year about the fan stands. i can't quite put my finger on it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: but you put your finger inside strange women. i feel it too tho. i'm finding as i get older i want to be AS FAR AWAY from the action on the court and AWAY form all the strange people in the stands, i hate people the older i get, people are weird, i don't want anything to do with them, i don't want their germs.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: oh come on, honey, you just haven't met the right person yet. you haven't fallen in love yet.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: the crowds were always raucous and rowdy when i played in the '70s. in fact most people were heckling me to actually kill John McEnroe. but they had their wits about them. THESE people are just DRUNK.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: hey Roger, what's going on in these stands?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: the fans are allowed to have ALCOHOL now throughout the ENTIRE match. they're also allowed to leave their seats AT ANY TIME during the match. the players LOVE this...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: hey man, you gotta have CONCENTRATION or you're tennis trash. what's everyone having? Jagermeister for me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: tequila for me like Billy Porter, bitch.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: just a lime water for me. well i finally relocated your son, he's playing down there right now. i feel depressed.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: cheer up, Fed, i know our son is a handful.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: no, it's that Nadal is gone, no idea where he is. he moved to Saudi Arabia...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: probably got kidnaped. Rafael would score a HANDSOME random. see what i did there? Rafa's cute.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris: want me to fuck you with a can of tennis balls to make you feel better?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger, hangdog: no thanks. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger picks up his binoculars from inside his tennis trunks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: omG!!! THAT's not your son Kris!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: it's weird, right? Jimmy Eat World helped the Ravens win their playoff game but they aren't even from Baltimore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Eric Andre, live near Broadway: don't worry, that wasn't cum, that was ranch...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jack Lemmon: isn't it easier when i have no lines? the screen is silent. and the actors just move around doing stuff. no dialogue. i've always worked better in silent films. i did a lot of that in <i>Bell, Book and Candle</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Senku: at least give the audience a good ol' Senku Scoff...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luffy: the <i>One Piece</i> battle arena looks like a giant Metamucil wafer cracked in half...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Robin: i crack my Metamucil wafers by dipping them in hot tea.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Nami: you have a Jamie Lee Curtis vibe to you, Robin. i am not mental.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Luffy: hey girls have you ever noticed i have a scar under my left eye?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ancient Rome: gladiator battles were our TV...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Tootsie</i>: have you noticed that this is a movie about a man who dresses as a woman, but it's done in the most serious sobering way. it's not lighthearted and farcical, it's grave. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Mrs. Doubtfire</i>: we had more fun with it.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Andy Warhol: i fell in love with Tootsie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Pyewacket: i keep weird hours. i eat lunch at 4AM and go to the bathroom at 4:10AM...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Talia: we all keep strange hours. all cats keep odd hours...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Stewart: do i really have a whiny voice?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Inuyasha: yes. it's whinier than MINE!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Billy Mays: hear me out, i become the pitchman for cocaine...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mardith: it's pouring rain out, are you going to the gym and working out? cuz i wouldn't. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: it's atmospheric tho. doing curls as you spot a HUGE grey cloudbank rolling past your bleary eyes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: a seagull's wingspan is the length of the Empire State Building. broad.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: a robin's feather is mottled bluegrey and brown like melty hippie ice cream, not red...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Celine: never give up. take me for example. at the end of <i>Before Sunset </i>i'm having it out with Ethan Hawke in the back of a French taxi. he's telling me about his wife and kid. AT THAT POINT there was ZERO PERCENT CHANCE i'd end up having twins with this man!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Michael Weiss: <i>i'd love to live atop a hill</i>, that's much harder to type in the Instagram comments than you'd think...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ariana Araiza: my thing is not working...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dr. Vacc: on my walk this morning there's a covid mask that's been literally FOSSILIZED into the gas-station asphalt...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">seagulls: hey the best song ever is that <i>Tootsie</i> theme song...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lando Calrissian: it wasn't my fault, i have psychopathic finger...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bertolli: since the American Civil War...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Federer: that's when i found out about them...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ron DeSantis: i couldn't find that puzzle piece that's in the shape of a chess rook...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Milton Berle: why'd you ban me from <i>SNL</i> for life?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Lorne Michaels: Dolly Parton, it's the <i>Squidbillies</i> thing all over again.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Milton: you ban Adrien Brody for life? he won an Oscar!!! did i win an Oscar? im asking, i don't remember. at least <b>I</b> never wore Bob Marley dreadlocks...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>The Outer Limits</i>: the perfect cocktail of sex and science.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><i>Aeon Flux</i> "Ether Drift Theory".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Trevor: my only dream was to have AI aliens and humans eat at the same Taco Bell booth...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bargeld: i was already dead, Aeon, the least you could have done is sit on my face...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Denise Poirier: i get ALL the men, women, and mechanical flies with MY VOICE...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">John Rafter Lee: this is a very difficult thing to achieve, but i have the SEXIEST BRITISH VOICE OF ALL TIME despite not being the sexiest Brit.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Denise Poirier: you're okay. you look like my brother.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Patrick Rafter: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">rash guard: for grognards. when you need your T-shirt to be sexy.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">the Lasso Dance: the official dance of <i>Romancing the Stone</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jacob Elordi: i mean, do cricket players need to be tall?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Doryce: halftime adjustment, when Bama adjusts his cup...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bama: my package is completely moisturized with lime cream to avoid chafing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: i can hear the sound of silverware rustling. silverware clanging. you know that thing where you're walking fast in one direction while some dude is walking just as fast in the perpendicular direction, and you crash into the other meeting EXACTLY at the swinging door...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Harry Styles: yes.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Boc: there's actually an old couple at the water station!!! i was so gobsmacked i opened the electric door with hesitation magic!!! who gets water on a rainy day?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Dirg: intuitive keyboard my ASS!!! this intuitive keyboard keeps SABOTAGING me!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tiffany McDaniel: i don't have resting bitch face, my lips simply come from the 1920s...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mike McDaniel: my daughter. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Tiffany McDaniel: flapper lips. not the other way around. cupid's-bow lips. i ain't calling Elizabeth Warren, okay?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">alcohol markers: drunk pens.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">gouache: when you got an ache on your goiter.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Snoop Dogg: gangstas get goiters, too. when Gs wash their graffiti off the walls.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martha Stewart: i sucked your goiter off during our lovemaking last night, Snoop.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Stewart: Mother, is that you?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martha Stewart: please refer to me from now on as Mother Martha.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger Federer: that's not Kristian down there!!! that player down there is ETHAN QUINN!!! </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ethan Quinn: sorry. sorry for the deception.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: i gotta straighten that boy out. you mind if i smack him upside the head with a stray tennis racquet i find in the stands?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Chris Evert: go head.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy Connors: just one thwack, not two thwacks.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: boy what you doin'? why are you here in the stands with ME instead of ON the court?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kristian Connors: i mean no ill will, i'm just lazy. i'm at home here with these people, these people are MY people, this has turned into a college fan section, it's the STUDENT SECTION!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: but you haven't studied for anything in your entire life.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kris: i know but i'm learning. i saw <b>Taco Bell Student Section</b> on the sign and i immediately gravitated to this spot, Taco Bell and KFC are company-mates after all.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kurt Cobain: labelmates like me and Eddie Vedder.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kris: i just always want a space in life i can mosh and crowdsurf when i get hungry.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">EZ Taylor and Holt Hanley: as the faded crossfit couple, we know crowdsurfing is harder than bodysurfing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Martin Scorsese: it is IMPOSSIBLE to do crossfading in a Marvel movie...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kris: forgive me? for not wanting to play tennis? people eventually get tired of EVERYTHING and EVERYONE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Roger: okay, son, as your tennis teacher help me with this beer snake...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><p></p>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6567369378356705063.post-91112905814850270392024-01-19T10:47:00.000-08:002024-01-19T16:18:51.771-08:00SPACENUTS<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg0ZaYWcnf-CI4URGSJUurkatNvJBdnR7SNfUfVpryTjEneEczqb0Q09wLh7njklG11wVGe-sVq_wpXBUmUiYRnWGYfbUMyAsHYgNCMGbKANSEMukLuy-dTVDG3aJj1eNumn4Df67_b0s1wQc6X8cnzZnylByyti6lyPU-AVmHwj-t7NTKJ0p__XGh-bs/s450/amazing_stories_gather_ye_acorns_tv-480060486-large.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="338" data-original-width="450" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgg0ZaYWcnf-CI4URGSJUurkatNvJBdnR7SNfUfVpryTjEneEczqb0Q09wLh7njklG11wVGe-sVq_wpXBUmUiYRnWGYfbUMyAsHYgNCMGbKANSEMukLuy-dTVDG3aJj1eNumn4Df67_b0s1wQc6X8cnzZnylByyti6lyPU-AVmHwj-t7NTKJ0p__XGh-bs/w400-h300/amazing_stories_gather_ye_acorns_tv-480060486-large.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><br /> <p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; 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text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">notes:</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Mark Hamill: i always manage to get myself into EVERY SINGLE sci-fi thing of note that matters...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* me: Long Beach?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: rad. that's next. the only place that still has hippies in 2024...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Doryce: my fart just came out like a machine gun.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Gladyce: we call those unwanted Uzis, dear.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* <i>Amazing Stories</i> "The Eternal Mind".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jeffrey Jones: and a little bit of <i>WarGames</i>. imagine if Eddie Deezen's giant face got trapped in the giant computer screen and Eddie becomes the war computer...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Katherine Borowitz: i look up like <i>Close Encounters of the Third Kind</i>.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jeffrey Jones: and i FINALLY experience Heaven.........which is really a Steve Jobs Computer Heaven...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* at the Holroyd House.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kim Novak: do you see me in <i>Bell, Book and Candle</i> when i first become enamored with Jimmy Stewart? i make that WEIRD CHIPMUNK FACE, i grit my teeth like a hamster. but it still works because i can't be ugly. i like to go barefoot in my store...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jimmy Stewart reading the sign: milk leg?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kim Novak: that's when cum drips down a man's leg when he first lays eyes on me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: you don't need to cast a love spell for THAT!!! that comes naturally for a man, no staring required.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kim: no looking up?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: what other concoctions and curiosities do you have in this shoppe?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kim: me.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jimmy: anything for ailments? </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Kim: witches cured the common cold 40,000 years ago...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Kyle Brandt: i was about to say that dude dresses like Co<i>ming to America</i> but i held my tongue at the last moment. when i learned he represents his native Ugandan heritage with his threads...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">player: clothes really DO make the man...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jessie Pegula: my favorite cartoon is <i>The Wild Thornberrys</i>. do you like me NOW?!!!...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* an exasperated Michael Weiss: hey guys, on Instagram, no more abstracts, okay? enough with the abstracts, i can't deal with the abstracts anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Oroweat: the Oroweat Circle of Life. remember when you saw the Oroweat truck when you were first-day into being knee-deep in sticky long covid with no hope for a cure? and now you spot the Oroweat truck and you can breathe easy...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Berenstain Bears: we're the only people who gather acorns anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Prevagen: come on, Wisconsin, you can't just be about cheese...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jen R: you want to improve your memory? have kids...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: i'm waiting for my God shot...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i'm a Jew who goes to church.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: God got shot?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jen R: i think we'd make a good match.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">me: why do you say that?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jen R: i'm from Brooklyn so you and i both never learned how to drive...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Dan Campbell: i'm the live-action version of the comic strip <i>Hagar the Horrible</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* <i>Amazing Stories </i>"The Wedding Ring".</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rhea Perlman: i have NEVER been this mousey in a role!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny DeVito: same here. hey this scene looks like <i>Romancing the Stone</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rhea: we were PERFECT for each other as a couple.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny: same exact size.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rhea: we're a better couple separated.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny: i am the only sexy manlet who has ever lived. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rhea: who has a wedding on a Thursday?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Danny DeVito: home schmome. a bungalow is where it's at. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Rhea Perlman: what do you do at that bungalow at night?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Danny: jump around.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Danny DeVito: imagine me with my same face but i'm 7 feet tall...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* sempervirens: the first Ancient Roman sapling seedling landed in California with a red shield...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Dwan Young: at least i didn't jump the shark...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Dwan Young: Jesus take the waterskis. i eat the spray and the foam, a missionary's mouth is never fed...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* bergamot: settling is not an option.........unless the tea leaves settle for four minutes...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Jean-Luc Picard: Bergamot...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* tornado: as a last-ditch effort, escape from me by lying in a ditch...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Nick Sirianni: i just lost my job with the Eagles but i immediately started starring in that PBS telenovela <i>Hijos del desierto</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Merle: wanna hear me prowl growl?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Boc: i figured out the mystery. that disembodied voice coming from the sky wasn't Bono from U2 megaphoning the ills of the world in the morning. it was four workers at the far-end bus stop talking with each other about their crappy jobs.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Laertus: very<i> Tokyo Godfathers</i>...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Bono: i'm a godfather. to God.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: huge 88-bun orange pallet of Hawaiian rolls just PLOP left there on the stone bus bench...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: that made my stomach jump...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Fuerza: i'm getting back to my old self again...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Lucio: you notice how the spam call HESITATED there for a moment? it was just a HALF-RING cos it knew it was being naughty and was disappointed in itself for what it was doing.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* at the SLIM spacecraft launchpad in Japan.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Japanese people: no jokes please...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Launchpad McQuack: ...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Takahashi: FINALLY the sci-fi of our people is catching up with the anime sci-fi...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Roger Federer: why'd you bite your arm?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Mirra Andreeva: just to make sure i wasn't a vampire...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* living in the suburbs of Hollywood, California: the Garden of Eden on Earth.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* IKEA: things aren't adding up. inflation is DOWN for some reason...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Ryan Reynolds: things can be bought again. vote for me for President and i'll get rid of all the plastic bags 20 years ago...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Skyrizi.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">woman in boat: we can't eat Green Goddess salad dressing anymore...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: the Green Goddess is so good as the filling for these sandwiches, they make them visually appealing...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Popeye: i left Olive Oyl for you, Sibby.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Leslie Sbrocco: thank you.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Olive Oyl: i called him Pop and he called me Lovie Oyl.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Popeye: i left Swee'Pea with Cecilia Phillips, that baby LOVES playing Skyrim.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Pepsi: some people should never be parents. but why do <b>I</b> have to be one of them? i wouldn't push my son into Peewee Football, i'd push my son into Pee-wee Herman.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Andy Cohen: with Walmart Plus you can stop talking to people. New Year's is kinda my thing ever since Kathy Griffin did that thing. i've never done yoga on such a LOW MATTRESS before. please let pickleball go the way of college football, as in to extinction. that oil painting looks more like Anderson. there is 0 weight in these dumbbells. i ground down your sunflower for car gas. this is my wife...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jim Mora: now ME is a GET!!! good job, DraftKings, i thought i was dead. if i had been Commissioner of College Football there wouldn't have been a BCS. we would have had a 16-team playoff starting with Yale beating Princeton...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Julia Ioffe: or Princeton beating Yale...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Portugal The Man: we wanted to to be Portland The Man but we ran out of time. Taco Bell was the only stop who didn't turn us down for being men with tiny guitars. McDonald's refused to serve us after peeping our electric ukuleles. Trader Joe's lit our tour bus on fire. per diem? we're paying our record company to NOT put our wrists in Prince shackles...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Progressive pigeons.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Archer: my grandfather was Norm Macdonald, a war hero. he carried pigeons to inform the world that Generalissimo Francisco Franco was still dead.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">other pigeon: that's not North, that's up.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Archer: you just blew my mind!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Jamie Foxx: sports are boring. sports are predictable. the only way sports are interesting is if you bet on sports. it's all fixed a year before anyway...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">* Eli Manning: that NFL ad about the digital athlete was buggy and couldn't be shown, the video never played because the AI went wonky...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://ispot.tv/browse">CLICK HERE FOR AT LEAST A YEAR MORE</a><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">happy Divisional weekend, my babies.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">TOMORROW: i need something NEW. how about The Meltdown for melts? $15 sandwiches?!!! see, this is the problem.........how much are you willing to pay for soft bread?...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">Denny's: that gets toasted anyway...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">IHOP: it's not purple, purple onions don't count. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><br /><p></p><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>the late phoenixhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04397137348877891309noreply@blogger.com0