Monday, May 22, 2017


they looked more like mini garlic breads. it was fun! i would cook more if i ever had the time...

picking out the choice heavy cuts from my butcher Roger Federer at the underground meat market some call a club, Roger says sorry but all have bone. taking them home on the ferry. placing them in a pouch of Shake 'N Bake powder. don't confuse the pork with the chicken powder! eating half the powder straight then mixing them in the bag, pretending you're shaking your Shake Weight. make sure to tie a bendy green string around the other end or it'll all spill out on your newly-waxed linoleum tile. cook for a long time over an open fire. not too long or you'll be left with triangular char. i'm not sure whether you let stand for five minutes, i think that's just the Rice-A-Roni chicken rice, before chewing on that tough meat. honestly mine was a little raw but i didn't notice. douse with virgin lemon juice before and after.........if you know what i mean...

1. the last time you had sex, was it urgent or essential? consider masturbation or sex with a partner. sex is urgent and essential for mental health, that's what my butcher tells me every time he invites me to his backroom barbecue.

2. what should you stop doing? why? watching the news. it's just too horrible.

3. what makes you feel strongest? sexiest? Shake Weight. for both. check out the Shake Weight commercial. old memes are gold memes.

4. when do you feel vulnerable? right now

5. what is missing from your sex life? sex

bonus: if you left your current lover, what would you miss the most? my sanity

feeling especially stressed today? i've got the potion for you. mix one part oil 'N vinegar with two parts Zesty Italian. Newman's Own, only Newman's Own. use as an elixir. it will calm you down, trust me. drink it or bathe in it. dip popsicles into the dressing, those pointy popsicles that are advertised on the box as being able to draw like crayons but don't actually leave a mark on paper, i've tried. what a scam. dot your eyes with the dipped popsicle points. probably more soothing if you close your eyes first.

a quick stem if you're out of bath balls. Lush and Taco Bell this Saturday i promise.


Friday, May 19, 2017


i know it's still controversial but Mike Tyson Mysteries is the greatest show on right now. it's 11 minutes of absurdity, catharsis, and Mike's infamous diction. it's T H I C C like Fox's u-bet chocolate syrup. for me it's a Sunday night-cap to cap off the stress of the week. no other fighter would do this, except many Conor McGregor, and i'm waiting for that cameo. as i've maintained, before this show is done, we simply NEED an episode which features ALL of the Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! characters, from Little Mac voiced by Justin Bieber to his trainer Doc Louis voiced by Denzel Washington as an Oscar consolation. a bike scene will be filmed on the streets of New York. and all the boxers from Glass Joe (Michael Cera), Don Flamenco (Antonio Banderas), Great Tiger (Aziz Ansari sporting a mustache), King Hippo (Ron Perlman), Bald Bull (Charles Barkley), Soda Popinski (Wladimir Klitschko), Super Macho Man (The Rock), and Mike Tyson played by Buster Douglas in his second tv role. and add a girl boxer in there, too, played by Holly Holm. just kidding, Ronda Rousey. catch up if you've missed it, two seasons and last week's episode. poor Deezy in that robe, when you have to be pointed out that you're depressed, you don't sense it on your own, that's when you're in deep. when you have to have your cat rescue you, that's when you know cats are better than people. when Mike's brother is Neil deGrasse Tyson, that's when you wonder why they didn't do this joke before. it's a sticky thicket out there, and the black hole hits you on the chin with a blind uppercut without warning. why is the chin the most vulnerable area? why isn't it the left pinkie toe?

harp therapy i discovered this week thanks to instagram. see, it's good. this isn't just spinning your string wheels for fun, these are special therapy harps which can bring dead people back to life. and the real-life miracle-workers are actual angels named Tami Briggs and Christina Tourin. get you and her and her in a room together and have a trio of tempo. let them teach you the basics to becoming a healer. you will seize your purpose and lighten up as you come a cloud, come on a cloud, come down on a cloud and sleep your worries away lullabied by those celestial tones. it's way more sexier than that guided meditation with that weird Australian dude who keeps talking about his damper.

always dreaming is what we should be always doing. creativity is another word for spirituality. don't drink or the horses will think you're stupid. what happened to Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir? which horse will carry YOU tomorrow?


happy weekend. one more week...

Wednesday, May 17, 2017


the giant orange Sue Pac-Man ghost crashes into the barcade. the ghost flies around in a circle as all the razed pipes spew forth their last drip. the owner strokes his hipster half-beard and exclaims "fuck it".

barcadekeep: the world is ending. forget it. this is an amusement park now. this is a novelty! come one, come all, all the games are free, all the drinks are free!

James Comey wades through the rushing water in nothing but socks. he grabs the broken barcade door with one finger and fixes it in place using his thumbnail as a screwdriver.

Comey: this place is a ghost town. this'll drum up business in the final hour. here.

barcadekeep: what is it?

Comey: the new quarter. blank on both sides the way the Founding Fathers really wanted it.

barcadekeep: thank you sir but my machines, uh machine, won't run on those.

Comey: try it. slip one in as my Boy Scout Troop Master always used to order me.

the barcadekeep puts one in the slot. the arcade cabinet of the Ms. Pac-Man video game buzzes and lights and rocks back and forth.

barcadekeep: wow. it's hard to make someone as jaded as i am stroke his chin in wonderment.

Comey: see? i changed the federal money system. you're our alpha store. or beta shop. our first one. soon only this game will be playing. everything else in the world can't be bought or priced against gold or used with the old traditional quarters anymore. you'll make a million dollars in an hour.

the Sue ghost turns dark blue. the bags under her eyes turn light blue. and she explodes in a torrent of goo. most of it lands in the barcadekeep's mouth.

barcadekeep: tastes like metastasized cancer!

Comey: nah, blueberry.

Comey sticks out his tongue and wraps his large hands around the barcadekeep's shoulder. they both laugh for an hour.


Comey: ever since i can remember i always took notes. in fact the first note i ever took was this one i have crumpled up and keep sacred in my blue blazer backpocket here, here let me show you.

it says scribbled in crayon: I AM A MAN

as i grew and my legs grew i was writing notes on all of my experiences. my first kiss, i wrote on her forehead, she went with the school milkman after that. my first bad grade, i used my first graphite pencil to change the grade before mother could see it. my first graffiti, i wrote FUCK THE SYSTEM with my first bold pen on the kindergarten bathroom stall. i just always felt i needed to capture the moment permanently. i wasn't into cameras and such, just low-tech. i guess you could say i was the first lifecaster.

in school at my first spelling bee, i was the first person to use index cards to cheat. my teachers were so impressed they implemented index cards in their classrooms from then on. the whole index-card thing as a mnemonic device was my idea. as i matured and my love of the arts matured i got into fingerpaints. i broke into the Louvre with my spy skills. you know how they say the Mona Lisa is really the second draft and there's an underlying first draft in pencil under it made visible with blue light? i did that sketch. it was a nude version of the Mona Lisa called the Monna Vanna. i knew that witch as La Joconde anyway. only a trained eye can spot pornography.

spray paint was so crude. i was into large-scale events. stuff that makes society turn its head and do a double-take and go huh? and think about it afterwards. i did the whole Banksy phenomenon thing. that was me. but i pawned it off on my roommate when the cops came. the point was i kept my thumb on the scale at every turn. every bit of pop culture was made a memory cos i wrote it down and recorded it somewhere. on a piece of paper or piece of tape or a wall.

they ask me Jim, why do you memorialize everything? don't you look like a doofus when you go to dinner and have a pad in your hand and a green pencil in your ear? 

i tell 'em, well gosh shucks i'm a sucker for Memorial Day. i guess i'm just a patriot.


Comey: it was on today that i had a breakthrough. but it wasn't one till my associate from the bureau informed me of such. for me it's just another Wednesday going about my business being my usual self. i'm the top cop and have to train my agents better. how bad would it look if i got tripped up? especially with my long legs.

i was at headquarters in Los Angeles enjoying the bikinis strewn on the sand and beach drinks like water. see whether or not it was a punk show life is one big prank-show to me so i don't care. i raced back to the other headquarters in a green state called Virginia and cleared my office of all the pencils stuck in the holed ceiling. that's when my two top associates air-knocked on my door. by top i mean favorite.

Fox Mulder: Langley always has such nice weather at night. did you really get a dinner invite from President Bump?

Comey: yessireefox. it went something like this...

Dana Scully: whoa, double flashback. flashbackception.

Comey: it'll be cool like a Lost flashback...

Comey: yes. you rang, sir? not a bugged phone.

Bump: Jim. how's circus life going, Jim?

me: yes sir, Red Nose Day went well. they said i was funny.

Bump: come join me for Tony Roma's, Jim. it's a good man. for ribs.

me: Tony Roma's? that venison must be medieval tough by now. i haven't heard that name since the '80s. you are living in the '80s, sir.

Bump: come join me for a big-ass chocolate cake, Jim. i like you, Jim. men named Jim are good honest trustworthy loyal people.

so i went to partake of the cake. and my mouth was so dirty afterwards with crumbs. that cake was full of liquid smoke. i planted a file in the cake when Bump was distracted combing his hair with his big flat  salad fork.

Mulder: i love how you regard cake as dinner. a double-cut flat file?

Comey: oh no, a video-recording device. i was keeping a digital file on him.

Scully: well done, sir. what's our next move? do you want me to seduce him for you?

Comey: i would Agent Dana as that is an easy trap to set for him, but i'm afraid your red hair won't do. it's too late to wait till you grow out of this role and get older and go back to your blonde hair. we got the file in a vault in the bowels of Headquarters. either one, either coast. the vault is being protected by Doctor Who, the all-seeing space man. i'm sure we have nothing to worry about. all our duckfaces are in a row. crossed all the eyes and dotted the T cells.


at the prison, Goody Paul hangdogs his face while he plays an out-of-tune harmonica. the harmonica is fine but he plays the song out-of-tune. he wails to his witch wife Dammi and Roger Federer all three crammed in one of those open-bar cell square spaces literally right next to the police desk at police places. very Andy Griffith.

Goody: it all finally caught up with you, huh Roger?

Federer gives the finger.

Dammi: why the long face?

Goody: hey you the ugly one. oh, well i'm depressed now but moods are current, not permanent. there's always hope for the future as long as you survive. i'm still managing to drown myself in my work. got an interview right now i'm doing with a phone and a tape recorder.

Goody: hello? Maria? this call is monitored. so why aren't you playing the French Open? i thought your harmless drug suspension was lifted.

Sharapova: that was humiliating to lose to that mouthy French girl like that. and i hated that tall flasher in the crowd who kept lawnmowering the score in the melty Madrid mud. i can't show my face in Parisian public. still not over it. i hate when the bad guys win. there's something demoralizing about it, it's like this isn't how life should go, there should be justice in the world.

Goody: technically Bouchard is French-Canadian. don't shower her with any more La Ville Lumiere than she deserves. instead shed light. oh well, it's gonna be boring this year. Serena is a bringer of light delivering her much-needed child into this decimated world. that baby and Beyonce's baby will be our twin queens. Fed won't play, he's stewing at the moment. can i ask you guys jointly a query while i got you both on the line here?: is ANYBODY playing the French Open this year, haha?

Federer gives the finger.

Goody: as long as i'm in jail i've been quite introspective about myself and my place in the world and the skin world. but it's boring now, i want to leave. but i have faith. faith in a higher being who will deliver me from evil. with her black magic.

Dammi smirks.

Goody: *smiling showing his white teeth* i know that no matter what happens, my wife has my stabbed back and will make me disappear without a trace.

Federer: *sulking* we have the same masseuse? that guy stabbed my back when my face was towel-down with a salad fork and called it ancient acupuncture and ran away before i caught his face. cost me another chance to rub Nadal's face in the red dirt. the massive masseuse said he wanted to cause a points war. he said he wanted another Monica thing. i assumed he meant Lewinsky. he said he'd be back to finish the job with his pizza knife.

Dammi's smirk widens. she lifts a finger.

Goody: and i love her for it. my childhood dreams came true. why be a ninja when you can marry an escape artist?

Goody and Dammi slowly disappear into thin air. leaving Federer in the lurch alone in the humid wet jail cell.

Comey enters the station and opens the jail door without a key.

Comey: come on, Rog, you're done. it's all over. time for you to take the chair............................the chair-umpire chair.

on the floor of the cell is a metal file.

Federer gives the finger.


at the spelling-bee hall Ari swims back home with her little girl on her back. she is so exhausted she doesn't question anything. she sits down to the table and notices her husband dripping. but she's into dipping. beside her are three dips: fra diavolo, sunday gravy, and batter scraps. and old bae crab sauce. she swallows her food whole.

husband: it looks like a dog's dinner.

the cats: or a cat's.

Ari: you can talk?!

daughter: can we keep them, mommy!? *double hug*

Ari breaks into a laughing fit.

the cats: we're not cats. we're Flerken. this is Chewie. and i'm Bacca.

sons: Captain Marvel is hot!

husband: enough of those damn shows.

the husband takes a piece of raw white chopped ham and begins chewing. it's so tough it never melts in his mouth but keeps being a congealed ball of goo on his tongue. it turns into disgusting globules of fat and infects his toothcaps. he chokes for the first time.

Ari: drink some hot water, dear.

husband: how do you like your beans? fresh from my field.

Ari: far afield. Mexico. i like them refried.

the husband had been planning a platter but his wife altered their plans. he forms a line of refried beans on the plate and hurriedly cracks a raw egg into the pot. he barely has time to cook it, he fries it on one side only just singing it before he places it in his mouth. five minutes later, he's feeling that uncooked egg swishing in his stomach. he gags and retches as it comes back up his jelly pipe and is ready to barf all over the table but his throat only retches empty air. he chokes for the second time.

husband: i feel so sick.

Ari, from the toilet: you're sick? i'm sick. i feel like i'm going to die. my stomach is a cesspool. i'm shitting out little bits of red poo flakes which never stop dripping. but i'm strong, dammit. i'm a Proverbs 31 Woman and this, too, shall pass.

Ari drops.

the husband swims outside to gather some supplies. he reaches the tequila bar and picks off the chili lights. they turn into light-colored chilaquiles. he places a line of them on the other side of the rotten egg he's spit out on the plate.

husband, wearily: sunny side up.

Ari: oh, rancheros! i've always wanted to live on a ranch. this old house is done.

husband: no, they're huevos divorciados.


the husband was holding on to dear life by the bent curved telephone pole attached to their house as the ragewaters came in. his sons had pretended to be Super Grover and jumped out the window to fly. luckily the pane of glass had already been stolen but the boys were lost at this newly-formed sea.

the husband closes his eyes and lets go. he knows he has to swim to save his life. by saving his boys' life.

the husband, cupping one stroke-hand: boys! BOYS! where are you? i'd die for you!

JUST THEN he crosses swimming paths with Mike Manley. Mike is drenched but his face is pristine and dry.

Mike says not a word and motions that his strong hand has found something under the water.

Mike: they're at the bottom. drowning. what do you want me to do?

the two men stare each other down in the mist. Mike's arm muscles ripple. the veins on the right side of the husband's temple area ripple, he has a headache which splits.

husband: give me this. i need a win.

Mike quietly but forcibly nods and hands him his boys by the scruff of their necks. they are pale-blue-faced.

slowly and unintentionally-methodically the husband drags his clan to their broken hearth, so deliberately he walks on the water. the boys cough their discomfort, which is comforting.

eventually they reach a crossroads. the intersection now a swirling swimming pool. James Comey is there stretching out his limbs, his massive arms and legs, his upper torso and core a kind of thin trampoline target area skin, forming a human bridge for them to cross.

the husband shakes his head no. Comey silently nods and relents and lets go. man talk.

they reach the house in time for dinner as always. so does the wife and daughter. they wrote that into their vows, no matter what happens during the day, you may still be angry with each other, but make it in time for dinner.


Mike moves his little dial and turns on the radio as the gray sky begins to darken into a brown sky: WCPE here, next up: Ruby, Don't Take Your Love to Town...


Comey gets up on stage. the Congress. he walks by Bump still seated at the dais below and shakes the former President's hand.

Bump: hey there Jim. is there food at a federal investigation? do i have to make a speech? hey you know that chocolate cake we had? i was expecting soft but it was a little hard. chewy. crunchy. metallic.

Comey bends the mic all the way up his throat. and delivers his first real address.

Comey: my fellow Americans, it's alright. know that we righted the ship at the last moments. i've ordered the Navy to combat this storm. they're on their way, the latest in nuclear technology. as Acting President, i have a confession to make. i was the one who let Devin Nunes in...

Comey is distracted. for the first time in his life. Kurt Cobain comes up from behind and shakes his big hand.

Kurt: hey i know you! you're James Bond! you're my favorite! i read all your stories!

Comey takes the mic, shouts


and drops the mic.

Comey: sorry, i've never been cool before. i feel cool now.

Kurt: i'm sorry to hear you had a stroke. that's common for someone your age. and height. you have a good heart. and an old heart. at least your online operation will help others.

Comey: no, i...

Kurt: i don't play golf. i grew up in the Washington woods. trees. trees everywhere, never cut down to make a course.

Comey: no i was referring to my masturbation technique.

Kurt flicks his long yellow hair and flits his black glittered eyelashes.

Kurt: that's not cool, man. that was cool in the '90s but not anymore.

Comey takes Kurt by the shoulders and positions him front to get a good look at him and his plaid chest.

Comey: so how you doing, man? are you doing okay? my daughter loves your music. i like classical music. and carrot cake.

Kurt: yeah i'm okay. i decided not to kill myself at the last minute. had a drink instead. and some food. the next day i stopped endlessly pondering and decided to run for office. decided to become part of the system. not good for writing protest songs but at least i didn't have to ask for permission from bands to play their music at my rallies. the creativity kinda dried up as i became a robot but at least i looked good in a suit with my long hair. this decision killed my audience but at least it didn't kill me. i'm the President of the United States from the other timeline. didn't you read my story? it's in the fanfictions.

Comey stands in the background but is still in front.

Comey: after i'm done with this i'll go back to my office and check my files. i'm sure it's there.

Monday, May 15, 2017



1. if you and your significant other played Sexual Truth or Dare with other couples, would you rather watch your SO have sex with someone or would you prefer having sex with someone in front of your SO? whatever makes my lover happy, that's the point of love, right?


if a grand poombaess Diane Keaton with hair of old SAG-AFTRA sage and wrinkles of hard-won wisdom on that talented face of hers brilliantly asks for a kiss, you kiss Diane Keaton. even if it means the dissolution of your marriage. this is Diane Keaton. some things transcend love. Kevin Bacon understands this and has given up bacon. bucket lists have no sexual orientation. Diane has earned her freedom, she is skinny and can do anything she wants. she can fuck the audience, not even Meryl can do that. Diane is right about film love, it's so much sweeter cos it's fantasy. and love is a fantasy after all having to do with emotion, not a mortgage. Diane knows secrets about Woody not even Woody knows about himself...

2. would you rather watch your favorite porn with your sibling or read your favorite sexy erotica out loud to your parents? it's only fair to read to the people who taught me to read. read back to them to show them my appreciation.

3. to get sexually-aroused, would you rather watch girl-on-girl porn or guy-on-guy porn? i can't. i can't do girl-on-girl, i feel it's cheating. there is only one girl for me: Sasha Grey. but i can't watch Sasha Grey porn anymore after i saw her in The Girlfriend Experience. every time i see her now i just think of her performing that beautifully-crafted mysterious role in that great indie film...

4. would you rather have sex with your boss in an office conference room or masturbate at home knowing that your neighbor is watching? i'm my own i do both at the same time...

5. based on your current mood, would you rather try out new and kinky sex ideas or have romantic sex? that's the thing with mood, it's always current, it's never permanent. that's what instagram fails to understand. when you put MOOD over a picture of a cow grazing, that's how you feel AT THE MOMENT. the next moment you could be asking that brown cow how now? don't do anything crazy before you have a chance to switch moods. if the cow answers you back, it's time to switch milks.

bonus: would you rather have three kids and no money or no kids with three million dollars? life is about love, not money. what's the point of being rich if you're all alone? wealth is meant to be shared, that's not a political position. the only thing i want out of life is to be able to eat well. like one fast-food cheat day a week. if i eat well i'll sleep well. i want to have enough money to tell the cook i want the steak well-done. i don't want worms in my system. that goes for my computer, too. now your kids will resent you and hate you forever that they were always poor under you, but at least you had a family.


Friday, May 12, 2017



* cos we all need a little holiday spirit during Finals Week

* slow-motion snow only occurs in my nightmares.

* would you provide a home for a cute little robin if it meant giving up your PG Tips?

* faster than a speeding bullet. then again bumblebees shouldn't be able to fly.

* the key to wearing a sweater is to give the illusion that you're only wearing a sweater...

* not shown: the robin takes a break, fastens on some ice-skates, and carves up the lake at the Frost Fair.

* Wait Rose, the alternative name of The Bachelor.

* don't worry, the robin's natural fur acts as a coat against the rain. but that isn't rain...

* it's so easy to get lost in the fog...........the fog is so pretty........

* Bond. Beak Bond.

* robin: what are you, raccoons?
weasel: aliens who look like raccoons.
robin: that movie doesn't need any more publicity.
weasel: okay, we're mongooses who came out wrong.
robin: isn't it mongeese?
weasel: i'm Mary Poppins, y'all

* robin: is that a cloud or snow?
eagle swoops down.
robin: f*** you, man!
eagle: this was supposed to be my advert until you aced your audition. it was supposed to be how i finally taloned my Christmas dinner for my starving wife and kids who are buried in snow cos i can't keep a job.

* robin: my heart is racing right now after that. it's hard to tell from normal but it is.

* robin: f***ing lighthouse throwing me off-course with its blinding beams. even an animal with a small brain like mine understands irony.

* robin: and me without my goggles. my lobster friend and i are gonna have a laugh over this one day. i haven't spoken to my lobster friend in years...

* robin: i see a terrible creature in a black hood. surely this is Death.
Death: no, just human.
robin: same thing.

* robin: pull the blanket over me, jackass, i'm cold! what is this box i'm in?
fisherman: shoebox.
robin: next time get a skatebox.
fisherman: you skateboard?

* robin: *singing an original song* ain't got no time for school, only got time to eat...

* boy: i was penciling a poem about my robin called Ode to Bird. it won't be as good now that the robin is alive.

* boy's mother: honey, don't leave that lit candle by the frosted window. we need that candle to cook the bird..........not the robin, the turkey.

* robin: i'm not gonna mince words, this pie is disgusting.
girl robin: hello, handsome bloke.
robin: mind if i chat you up, bird? the irony is not lost on me.

* boy: i'm a boy in a skirt. love one another. love everyone. happy Christmas!


happy weekend. i got a PG Tip with my name on it. literally, i put my name on it in black ink to avoid it getting stolen by robins. and a vindaloo in the oven. the microwave oven......................WOW, THAT'S HOT EVEN FOR ME!

Wednesday, May 10, 2017


Dr. Ghostell is measuring himself. not like that, he's wondering what it will take for him to don the flight helmet, which looks awfully like a stahlhelm, and step inside the cockpit of the pink stealth bomber and choose his harder destiny.

Greg: i don't want to do this. but i must. i never anticipated this, but i must accept it.

James Comey: you don't have to. you've simply decided your life needs to be more exciting. that's on you, not fate.

Greg: JIM MOTHERFUCKING COMEY?!! what up, motherfucker. haven't seen you since our summer stint at space camp in Huntsville, Alabama together. when was that? sometime in the '80s i want to say cos i sharply remember that feeling when life was still good. well you certainly shot up like a beansprout. how does one grow to be a giant? a lot of milk?

Comey smiles for the first time in a while. but no one sees it.

Comey: a lot of peas. and peas milk.

Greg does a cartwheel and handstands and tries to high-five Comey with his foot but Comey's too tall for all that nonsense.

Greg: where'd you come from?

Comey: oh i'm always around lurking. i was the air-force guy you were talking to. i'm master of disguise, helps when you're in the FBI.

Greg: i'm a bit hesitant about all this. where's the cockpit to this thing?

Comey pushes Greg in.

Comey: invisible cockpit of course.

Greg: wow, i phased in. this is Next Generation stuff.

Comey: i never saw Star Wars, it was rated PG. easy controls.

Greg: how do you control this thing? it's like a mix of the inside of a 1978 Cylon raider and the inside of a TIE fighter. as you can tell, i'm a science nerd.

Comey: it pilots itself.

Greg: why is there a 12-month calendar nailed to the wall in here with a different picture of Edward Snowden in a speedo?

Comey: one speedo for every color of the rainbow.

Greg: i don't mind the company to be honest.

Comey: i figured this was the cheapeat way to travel. those noon LAX flights are highway robbery in broad daylight. i have to clear some things my desk.

Greg: how do you like your job? i'm finding my job a bit boring.

Comey: good news is this frees me up to pursue my real dream, the one my mother wanted me to pursue. i'm gonna go to a team that's still working. i'm gonna play ball with LeBron James!

Greg: oh, cool charity. yeah i do a spelling bee myself.

Comey: no for real. my tryout is in Washington. i'm gonna say all the right loyal things at my introductory press conference but then screw the Wizards when the Cavs offer me more money. it's my paltry attempt at a modicum of revenge. of course nothing will really change until the pumpkin is smashed.

Greg: fan of their early work but Billy seems lost now.

Comey: i'm sorry, i meant to say squashed. i'm losing myself, too. i'm so tall it hurts to walk.

Greg: you have that classic chiseled face and short black haircut of a G Man. i look like a dump. but things will change when i file this report.

Comey: yes your work is invaluable. without you there is no atom bomb. to quash the hurricane i mean.

Greg: incoming call. which button do i push?

Comey: any.

Greg: hello? Maria? my love why are you still working?

Maria: i'm not, i'm at the afterhours bar. how do you like my wisdom earrings?

Comey: *whispering in Greg's ear* just say they're lovely. the bomber can see everything. and hear everything.

Greg: you know you guys at Starbucks should be open 24/7. imagine all the money you'd rake in! imagine all the college towns bursting their windows from the steady rain of coins from all the students pulling all-nighters.

Maria: um, Greg, maybe Starbucks DOESN'T do that cos they have respect for their workers. maybe that's it. ever thought of that Greg honey?

Greg: no, i hadn't. i just get my coffee and think nary a second word. are we breaking up?

Maria: ...

Greg: we're breaking up, another call's coming in. hello?

Bump: go for President. i am so bored. this job sucks. now they have me sitting for hours in this hallway at my impeachment hearing. i mean at least get the air-conditioning humming. you guys want anything to eat? i'm thinking about a Starbucks run.

Comey pulls the intercom by its roots wires and grabs the stickshift, which is really an old-skool push-button school-announcements trigger microphone.

Comey: i was a career agent. i don't want a night job. sir, and i use that term loosely, let's pretend today never happened.

Bump: okay, once we get the time machine you guys are working on. you should have seen your face when you found out you were on Walk the Prank. Walt, good man, good man.

Comey: you didn't hear those things i called you, right?

Bump: no, you're tall. i can't hear a word you say. so how is circus life working out? how's Robin?

Comey: i don't need stilts.

Bump: see?

Comey: okay, i feel a little better.

Comey jumps out of the moving stealth bomber and pulls open his plane parachute.

Bump: is he gone? look this is all a big misunderstanding. no need for backstage reporting, i provide the wild speculation. Jimmy had to go. he was becoming a cloud over the administration. we were just talking about this the other day in the office. they were dubbing him Cloudy Comey or Comey the Cloud. that's them, not me, i like Jim.

Greg: is that why he gets to wear that cool cloud sticker on the side of his nazi helmet?

Bump: who the hell are you? new phone who dis? New York Times? anyway i did it all for Hilary. she's my mother you know. or we're related or something. i'm dating Huma. a guy in a Wiener Hot Dog suit jumped the fence and recommended her to me. she's not blonde but she's fitting in nicely with the pack. before i had only heard the silly name but it turns out Huma's hot! has that weird pepe frog-mouth that i like to play with.

a chorus arises in the background. a group of Members chanting in a mock.

Greg: it's time for Weather on the 8s!

Bump: shut up! i want to hear this!

Greg: sorry.

chorus: na na na na NA NA NA NA HEY EY YAY GOOD-BYE!!!

Bump: oh that's the signal the jury has reached a verdict! gotta go.

Maria: hello?

Greg: thanks for waiting.

Maria: i thought i hung up.

Greg: look. loving me was always gonna be hard. i was meant for the open the sky. the bottom line is, sweetheart, organic coffee. organic coffee, what's the point?

Maria: okay, Greg. well it was fun while it lasted.

Greg: wait the thing is telling me to make a hard left.

Maria: where are you?

the pink plane veers offcourse and tracks the former Director like a heat-seeking missile. Greg rolls down the window and speaks to Comey mid-air.

Comey: wow, these planes really are fast, huh.

Greg: nah, you seem to be floating in a perpetual circle.

Comey: well i am caught in the eye of a hurricane.

Greg: Jim, i told her off.

Comey: bad move. talk about chia seeds. they should put chia seeds in all their drinks to give it an extra hidden kick. i know about life. i accidentally invented chia seeds when i worked at the lab working on something else for the government. my lab partner eventually became my wife. we've been married with years and kids. hobbies. people have forgotten about hobbies. you should have invited her to ride.

Bump: chia seeds? that's a great alternative to my pcp powder. salt and cornicello pepper, love it!

Greg: Comey i'm starting to lose it, too.

Comey: it won't be long now. here, this should keep you up.

Greg: does it have chia seeds?

Comey: in a way. it's 1893 cola. we've been working on it for a long time.

Greg: OMG I LOVE 1893!

Comey: but here's the exciting part: it's two new flavors! black currant and citrus.

Greg tries to hug Comey but only manages to wrap his arms around Comey's shoe.

Greg: DAMMIT JIM i love you!


at the bar the survivors are trying to wait out the restless storm which shows no sign of comaing.

Mike: this storm needs to go down. as do i.

waitress: *Jenna Marbles face*

Mike: don't look so incredulous. wow, that's the first time i used the word incredulous in conversation. are you new here? new to me. go down means to go to sleep. turn around and let me gaze at your butt.

waitress: that's extra. are you willing to pay the Island rates?

Mike: what's with the Islands motif? are enchiladas tropical? last time i checked...

Goody: ...will be the last time. all life comes from islands. and this place is quickly turning into a real-life island. we're in a bad spell, an evil cycle where the water keeps coming.

Dammi: i'm a cycle tramp.

Goody: that's something different, honey. we're trapped in here for the immediate future.

Mike: the future is never immediate, that's the present. okay okay, let's change the subject. i need a distraction.

Maria: that bastard hung up on me! he sent a vague subtweet about chia seeds then immediately went dark.

Mike: sounds like you need a distraction, too. let's do guilt-free three. me first. my guilt-free three are...

Goody: ...Ari, Ari, and Jackie if she were still alive. you don't necro, right? i've been seeing a lot of baby_boy screen names on those boards recently. gotta take this.

Dammi: Robert Redford, Rose Quartz from Steven Universe, and myself. i don't want to fuck a clone of myself, i want to fuck myself.

Mike: you do that every time you cross the threshold and work at the station.

the radio hums in the background: you're listening to WCPE, North Carolina's only classical-music station. we rock Bach. quiet storm when the storm is loud. speaking of, by last-minute request, surprised you were able to get through, here's Bach's "Sleepers Wake". get out of and break your bed. dulcet tones. one more time before the end. kiss your dog for me tonight. this is for all the lovers out there. 

Goody: hey you sell bran muffins?

waitress: only Parkerhouse-style rolls and woven wheat. is Saffron Road closed, too? i need to feed my cats.

Goody: don't worry, they're good swimmers when they need to be. mine are any gangsta rapper from the '80s, any gender is fine.

barcade hipster: Bowie of course, Philip K. Dick, and Steven Universe.

Mike: we need trance music.

random grocery worker: cucumbers, eggplants, and Tieton cherries.

Mike: Ari was always into Utah Giants.

waitress: Carrie Fisher...

Goody: ...too soon, too necro...

waitress: ...Elvira, and Michael Fassbender but only if he break-dances in bed with me.

Mike: so you're saying there's a chance.

Maria: Anthony Edwards, Howard Schultz, and your mom. that's a compliment.

Maria loosens her high-heel and rips her nylon stocking to play footsie with Mike under the table.

Mike: oh no, i'm taken now. missed your shot. here's a shot glass. twirl. let's see the goods. let's see your butt.

Mike: bit of a pancake. sorry. it's not the butt i look for, it's the amount of space required to hold that phone. it's the phone that's the key to any relationship.

the waitress fans herself and raises her hand.

waitress: woo hoo, all this talk makin' me thirsty. who's up for some bulldog margaritas? who wants to go to Blue Lagoon in Iceland? oop, but we're missing one more bottle to invert and break the drink in.

Maria pulls an empty glass bottle of tequila from out of her vagina.

Mike: and sold. i'm taken but she doesn't know i'm alive. that damn husband always in the way. let's do this!

they slowly take each others' clothes off.

the back saloon doors burst open in a torrent of forced wetness. the bar fills up with flood in less than 3 seconds.


Greg on board the pink stealth bomber.

Greg: hello? Goody? how are you on this fine evening?

Goody: let's do a practice run. we'll tape this segment and show it in case you can't go live. so here's the weather map. what do you see?

Greg: a lot of red. and a big circle in the top-half portion of the country's lid. it's trying to squeeze out in the middle but there's red all along the coasts. hap.

Goody: looks like the country is trying to take a shit. but it can't. it needs more fiber.

Greg: okay. that's it? thanks. you're really going to show that?

Goody: it just went live.

Greg: okay. thank you. thank you for the opportunity. i thought that would be a different experience..........but okay. that was the first time we've worked together, huh?

Greg: hello? someone else is coming through? yes, Jim?

Comey: how did you like the orange can?

Greg: yeah. citrus, right?

Comey: has a grapefruit essence. i don't appreciate the O.J. comparison.

Greg: why do they call it grapefruit? couldn't they have come up with a better name? something better like Ruby fruit. it's not small or purple, it looks nothing like a grape.


Ari plunges into action. immediately upon opening her eyes, she swims through the house and busts up to the surface. she doesn't need to take a breath, she's racing too fast for the air to catch up. she runs on her own internal oxygen, saving her kid's life. she skips upon the surface of the water, skimming above the dripping rainclouds like a gerridae out of hell.

Ari: where the fuck is my little girl, she screams. but it's a silent scream to herself. her eyes have become razor-sharp and can see near and thin like contact-lense goggles, far and wide like built-in binoculars.

she circumnavigates the entire closed perimeter of the town, and some into the other town, breaking the barriers with her frantic love. love from above.

Ari: where would my baby go if she were lost?

she spots the spelling-bee venue on the right.

Ari: of course! she would better herself no matter what.

Ari glides around the corner and slides over the bend. with a sleek skin like a lizard person of ancient old she submerges and mutates until she freestyles the doors down with her webbed feet.

the little girl is standing on the dais, on the stage next to a strange man. she is dripping wet.

little girl: mommy you have webbed toes!

Ari: we all do.

little girl: you have webbed fingers!

Ari: just pruney. oh........and it appears like i unintentionally skinny-dipped. come here, baby. daughter, did you spell the word right?

little girl: mommy, what's a R-E-T-I-C-U-L-A-T-E  T-A-I-L-D-R-O-P-P-E-R?

Ari: uh........i don't know. let's go home.

little girl: played with one while i waited to keep spirits up. so cute.

the first outlier bands of the reformed hurricane are slowly topping over the hall.

little girl: mommy, what is B-A-N-D?

Ari: something only mommies put in little girls' tummies. stay away from bands. especially drummers.

little girl: i want to be my own V-A-G-R-A-N-T  D-A-R-T-E-R.

at the far right corner of the stage, a man sits motionless without a chair. he is a living breathing statue who doesn't move. his stare is blank and his eyes have glazed under. inside his mouth his tongue swirls in a circle as a steady stream of spit coats his teeth. like a visit to the dentist's but forever. he wears a sweater torn at the gut and his pants are soaking wet.

to the right of him lies a flyer's helmet on the stage floor. with a sticker of Pac-Man on the side.

the pink stealth bomber flies in the opposite direction. it turns a sick shade of puke orange. then bright orange. it turns into Sue, the only female ghost from Pac-Man.

the man is Dr. Greg Ghostell.

Monday, May 8, 2017


1. what period of your life was the happiest? why? when i was an '80s kid. there was only one screen...

2. true or false: if you want a successful date, take charge---take the lead. why? i've never had a successful date. i always start off strong, like i order two drinks for the both of us, for me and my b, i don't let her order. but i always order milk


3. true or false: males are aggressive and assertive, women are nurturing. explain your answer. i'm the most docile person i know.

as for the women, two words: SNU SNU. technically that's one word.

4. is your body keeping you from a good sex life? how so? i'm skinny. very skinny. i don't have the requisite thrust power. you're gonna have to do the thrusting for me. i want to develop my midsection, get it nice and big. your gut is your reservoir of manliness. i want to eat all the food and drink all the drink so my stomach is fat cos i heard that's where all the cum is stored. i want to have a nice big bowl of hot froth ready to go.

5. smiles. do you have a sexy smile that's different from your regular smile? post a pic of your sexy smile or describe it for us.

my sexy smile used to be Ricky Gervais's primordial rock-crusher snaggleteeth above. after getting the work done required by the business, great insuracne plan i'm under btw, hope it stays, i now look like Wil Wheaton's ice-cream smile. why didn't i follow Wil Wheaton sooner? what's wrong with me?

bonus: May is Masturbation Month. which of these is your best benefit from masturbating?
a) helps you to relax and/or fall asleep
b) boosts self-esteem
c) combats erectile dysfunction
d) helps you know what feels good so you can tell your sex partner

you all know the ongoing struggle i have with sleep. i rank sleep as my highest priority, even above pizza. i'll do ANYTHING if it means i get more sleep. i'll try any experimental drug or disgusting drink or wacky treatment or underground secret session not sanctioned by the FDA.

i was talking to my doctor the other day, who has an online degree, and i was moaning how i don't get any restful sleep anymore. he said speaking of moaning, i should try sex. we both had a good laugh over that one. "if i can be serious now, Phoenix," he says, cos Phoenix is my real name, "Phoenix," he says, putting his arms around me, "Phoenix ma boy, the Feds are shutting down this facility later this afternoon so i leave you with the final prescription..."

me: you don't mean.......that final?
doctor: yes. fap. fap. fap everywhere you go. fap on the bus. fap in school. fap at your bar mitzvah. don't fap while you're on your ipad mini, it's impossible to clean the screen after. leaves streaks. after you fap your body relaxes and you will fall asleep more easily. greatest sleep aid there is. better than tea. better than beer. better than popping methadone like candy. better than warm milk. use your own natural warm milk your body makes for you. your body is a miracle.


Friday, May 5, 2017



we still haven't explored all of Mars yet but she's pretty good.

y'all know what to do. pick. not your nose. i'm tired. but not as tired as these poor horses will be by the end. is horseracing a cruel sport that's past its prime and should fade into obscurity with your grandpa watching boxing on a barge and Brad Pitt frolicking into him? sport of kings or sport of knaves? should it be permanently discontinued and replaced with robot horses? yes..........but it's complicated.

the rain should let up. so it's a dry muddy track. sloppy track. honestly do these conditions really matter? i mean to the horse, not the bookie. i'd like to know what the horse is actually thinking as he or she runs such a race. the horse must think we humans are locamente loco. all horses are Spanish.

Classic Empire is the morning-line favorite and he races BACKWARDS! that horse needs to balance on a ball and become the real-life James Baxter from Adventure Time. not performing for any circus, performing for himself and his own personal growth.

Patch! Patch! Patch! sentimental favorite! he has one eye. some tv experts full of horsemeat actually say that's an advantage for the little guy at the 20th Post. Patch can focus on the crowds like no other. man we're getting grotesque here.


don't look at the stats, the numbers, the odds. or even the names. Gormley, aye? instead choose RANDOMLY.

do me a favor? nudge my eyebrow when the race is about to start, i will be sleeping in the haybarn.

happy weekend. vote, don't hack. your conscience is as long as a French love story set in the City of Lights. happy Cinco. happy Seis. cos Siete Ate Nueve.

Wednesday, May 3, 2017


Dr. Greg Ghostell was a piece of work. he was the station happy-go-lucky, always with a winning smile, a trimmed head of luxurious grey hair, neat belt, pressed slacks, and shined shoes. he looked like a short professor except for the sweater. his shirts were more corduroy than his pants. all the women and men looked up to Ghostell as he was the only one at the station with a PhD. they were still confused as to how exactly one gets a doctorate in meteorology.

Goody Paul: hey have you seen Dr. Greg Ghostell?

Dammi shakes her head.

Dammi: nidontknow. he's probably dead.

Goody: dammit dammi.

Dammi: just tellin' it like it is. everyone's thinking it. in this storm.

Greg pops into the studio, does a handstand, and high-fives the crew.

Dammi: blessed be i'm a witch for sure!

Goody: Greg!

Greg talks without breaking his smile.

Greg: that's Doctor to you. address me as Doctor. i sliced my ass in four to get that degree. i will reap the benefits till i'm dead.

Goody: Doctor. that's weird. it's like you're Doctor Who or something. Doctor, don't take this the wrong way, but you're the whitest person i know.

Greg: but i'm hip, right? i'm cool. i like wheat bread. i can get down.

Dammi: hey Greg we don't know much about your private life.

Greg: i just came back from a spelling bee.

Goody: you got power?

Greg: it magically goes in and out. to keep up morale, i'm stationed over at the abandoned high-school theatre stage. great place. bright and happy and sunny. we use the outside streetlamps for ambiance. and there are no more audience seats so that whole grid is our decor, a hollowed-out town square. i challenge local third-graders to educate themselves to get ahead. i teach them about weather and they teach me about life.

Dammi: whose kids are up that late on a not-school night?

Greg: kids who have strippers for parents. i beat those tyke tards to a pulp. with my words i mean. i win, i always win the bee. it doesn't behoove them to go easy on them. ha ha ha. C-U-M-U-L-O-N-I-M-B-U-S, gets them every time.

Goody: yeah i've been wanting to ask you about that. not to pry or anything, just wondering. how exactly do you become a Professor of Weather? i mean it's just clouds in the sky for fuck sake.

Greg: clouds and invisible shit. it's the invisible shit that got me paid. i did my dissertation on what MIGHT happen in the future of the world given recent trade winds and ridiculous earthquakes and terrifying tsunamis and how our rain forests are just rain that tastes like peanut-butter now and our oceans are turning to acid and the pattern of El Nino now that La Nina smacked El Nino upside the head.

Goody: hey i'm down for more studying if it means more money. i don't mind working. i'll work hard as long as i know there's an actual pot of gold at the end of the unsurfaced road for a man like me.

Dammi: why don't you wear a sweater?

Greg: i wore a sweater when i delivered my dissertation. i was so nervous in front of that hollowed-out cavernous auditorium with just my mom listening to me in the front row. i sweated buckets. stained the Charlie Brown zigzag pattern into my one chest hair. i was done with sweaters after that. never wore one again, brings up troubling memories. that spotlight was hot on me. she could see my pee on my non-corduroy pants. i swear i talked rambling bullshit on there for like ten hours without lunch. the mic didn't work so i had to shout everything. my mom was my professor.

Goody: i'm glad to be friends with both you and Mike. you two are like two sides of an arcade coin.

Greg: i try to be more manly everyday i mean yeah he's a cool dude. i know more science than him but i learned it from books and thinking about stuff and he knows science by getting out there in the elements and doing stuff. where is he?

Goody: dunno but i'm getting antsy.

Greg: the point is whether it's him or me it's science. whosever the reading is handed to the data is built upon a solid foundation of real scientific fact which can never be refuted.

the phone buzzes.

Dammi: witch.

Goody: got it. hello? police? what? yes i did an interview with Roger. Federer, not Stone. what was that? Kvitova claims i was the robber who attacked her? dammit, Roger. it wasn't me! i'm not just a black man with a mustache! i'm a meteorologist!

Dammi: sorry, that was for the next one. what up, sugarpuff?

Goody: the heat is coming here. they'll be upon us immediately.

Dammi: we need to warm up, i'm freezing.

Goody: this leaves us no time. perfect for a fuck. i need to release some energy and relief myself.

Dammi: i don't feel you, fool.

Goody: i know. that's why i'm calling in reinforcements.


Mike Manley travels a long lonely solitary road. the rain pelts him at every turn making the road in front of him hard to see. he knows he is guided by his heart as he tracks towards his lover Ari's house in the direct line of fire. he still hears The Zard speak through the merciless bands of hurricane whips, The Zard is that massive.

The Zard: i like your tv. getting into Dragon Ball Super. the Sword of Saad is my wand. literally. like it gives me all the cable channels i didn't have before. i have some major marathon catching-up to do.

Mike: don't binge too much, you're skinny enough as it is.

The Zard: but you know i still and will always love your classics.

Mike reaches the severe drop where the highway just ends. there's a sign by the side of the road:


beyond is an oasis of pools infested with she-gators. Mike takes one last look at the chimney of his discontent so close and yet so far just beyond the ridge and sighs hard into the strong wind. he turns around and heads for...........he knows not where. he tosses his lit cigarette into the pool and the gators clamor the water to catch it in their jaws hungry for thickness. tar is like jelly to them.

what Mike doesn't see as he avoids another painful look is the trajectory of the Sword from whence the hurricane springs forth. it has moved slightly to the right to match the path of the cigarette.


Goody: okay let's everyone take off your clothes and have an orgy.

Dammi: i don't know you anymore.

Goody: hurry. we have no time.

Dammi: you look tired.

Goody: i am, woman. i am so tired. so tired of living like this. so tired of living this way.

Dammi: splash some water on your face.

Goody: i've already done that ten times today. after i showered.

Dammi: what are you doing?

Goody: i always have to be doing something with my tastebuds. i take a spoon nip of this powder, and a dabbing napkin cos i'm cultured, cos i always need some sweet in my life.

Greg: do you mind if i get naked with you guys? i promise i won't masturbate. i'll use my fidget gadget here, the one sold by the National Autism Alliance.

Mike: *knock knock*

Goody: *brohug* look what the cat drug in! what up, buddy?

Mike: *brohug* i'm not what was dragged in, i'm the cat! hey buddy, got something for you. reach into my satchel.

Goody: that's what she said. oooh, new canisters of powder!

Mike: yeah. Starbucks was out. had an early breakfast at G R Burgers. had early lunch at Bistro 211. had second breakfast at that Hobbit place where they finally had them stacked.

Goody: Bistro 211, that place with the hot-as-fuck blonde owneress?

Dammi: i'm standing right here. just kidding, i'm not.

Mike: yeah. no sale.

Goody: yeah i heard they closed permanently tonight. or this morning.

Mike: oh yeah, that, too. pink, your color.

Goody: yeah i love pink lemonade.

Mike: no it's strawberry. or light fruit punch or something.

Goody: okay. get to it. i'll video-tape it with your phone.

Mike: look man, about the phone. i hope you don't hold that against me.

Goody: no i won't release it. this isn't a ransom. friends aren't threatening. this is for me. my own private use. it's my lesson. take off your clothes, Mike, and have sex with my wife.

Mike: are you sure about this? i could use the break.

Dammi: go for it, big stuff. this is my dream, too.

Dammi plunges her butt into Mike's erect rod, up and down, up and down, up and down. the rhythm puts Greg to sleep but his fingers still fidget with the cube. Goody stands by the side of the shower taping and trying not to get his asssack wet on the damp tile floor.

the dew builds up onto the showerhead like a vine until it crystallizes with the arrant human and wiccan must in the air into a dank damp muggy wettish block of shame and sweat.

Goody: great stuff, you guys. that's it, honey, screw my best friend. that's it, Mike, stand there like a long log and take it from my wife. great footage. i should have been a cameraman.

Mike: you missed your calling. you're teaching me, too, buddy.

Dammi: it's been ten minutes. are you about to cum?

Mike: urm, not really.

Dammi: you know Goody, you can learn a thing or two from Manley here. his penis is way bigger than yours, which is surprising.

Goody: that's what i said.

Dammi: are you on the cum cusp?

Mike: nope.

thirty minutes later. still pounding up and down.

Dammi: any reaction to me as a person or a great beauty or a powerful woman?

Mike: it's not you, it's me? i've been under a lot of stress. and i love someone else.

Goody: that's working on you?

Dammi: shouldn't the cops be here by now, honey?

Goody: oh i'm honey now? i suppose. traffic.

Mike: the road's closed. by which i mean there are no roads. so much for voting for change. the publicae must always be wary of the orator. we must believe in something higher.

Goody: i love Publix.

the group gathers round for a post-coitus powwow, circling the drain.

Mike: this is nice, all of us sitting down and talking after. i'm learning to do that more. or squatting as the case may be for me. i never cummed, it's more that my hips were getting tired.

Dammi: call me.

Goody: you'd be even more tired than you are already. smoke 'em if ya got 'em.

Mike: we don't got 'em. my sack can only be so full.

the phone buzzes and wakes up Greg.

Greg: hello? how does this work? slide the bar here? push this button? oh shit i erased the entire spelling bee! hello? honey? yes, i'll be there. it's been fun, gentlemen, but i need to skedaddle to Seattle.

Goody: about that personal life...

Greg: my girlfriend Maria.

Mike: MARIA FROM STARBUCKS!!? how'd you swing her? she gave up that dude she was seeing for forever who was a future doctor for YOU?

Greg: weather is exciting.

Mike: IN ONE DAY? hey you look like someone. let me take out my journalist's notebook from my bag. i was reading the old histories of this place. here, page 3. the papers back then were only too eager to publish my mother's love letters you know. is that you? are you a time traveler?

Greg: no. spitting image i know. that's my relative. your mom must have been into ol' intelligent guys.

Mike: she was quite smitten with smarts. all women are into older men.

Greg: yeah but that's my great great great great great-grandfather. bye. oh hello. i'll just let you in.

the police don't have to storm down the shower door.

cops: is there a Mr. Goodbar here?

Mike: i got Petra on speed-dial.

Goody: i surrender. don't make me assume the position, i'm naked.

the cops handcuff Goody Paul.

Goody: this is bullshit, man. black man white woman, will we ever get beyond this?

Dammi: witch woman.

cops: oh shit, he has a phone! is there a camera on that thing?! nevermind, let's get the hell outta here!

cops: we'll let you off with a warning if you teach us the overhead smash. we want to finally beat vice in the tournament.

Goody: man get outta here with that mess! i don't know anything about tennis. that's not a man's game.

cops: who said anything about tennis?


at the house the cauliflower linens are soaked which means there are levels to this shit. that drawer is three drawers up. the shit from outside is infecting the swirl inside, caking the carpets in grime. the paintings remain unharmed and blindingly uninjured cos they were painted with waterproof watercolors. the family pretends to enjoy them keeping their heads above water.

sons: mommy this game is boring! we shouldn't know about art till later!

husband: certain kinds of art yes. your mother isn't here. lets hold hands so we don't slip off and get caught up in the current.

Ari is in the bathroom by herself with the door locked, though it's microbiologically rusting open. the entire bottom section of their home is in the center of a whirlpool of destruction. Ari had filled her bathtub full and dunked her scarred naked body into the soothing watery salve.

Ari: if i drown myself now no one would be the wiser. Deus Vult.

the storm water squeezed through the slats in the bathroom door and filled half the room with its excess. the bathwater joined with the one tide and Ari's laughing fits were stifled by tiny bubbles.

her body goes limp.

sons: dad, is mom having a rough time?

husband: no, that's a luxury only reserved for you. she just needs some alone time. she'll be alright you'll see. don't worry. let's do our prayers like a normal night. let us pray. i'm not as good as mommy but god don't mind, he hears all prayers as they are. let's see, which psalm was it? those numbers are confusing. grant us the good goods. oh God, if it's too late for a pure heart, we must at least survive on a steadfast spirit.


Greg is being driven on a heavy truck with a green tarp over the bed stung by stingy burny rope.

air force: how does it feel, Dr. Ghostell?

Greg: this is my first real mission. i'm gonna do what all those stormchasers do. we'll get to the bottom of this storm. i was on the wrong side all those years reporting what they were reporting from a cool studio. i want to be a real man. a real man of science!

air force: the roads are muddy tonight but our tires are muddier.

Greg: yeah how are you doing this? i thought all the roads were closed.

air force: that's what we told the media. come on, man, we're the armed forces, we go where we want and do what we want when we want and nail who we want with no reason at a time of the president's choosing.

Greg: that's all i want out of life. no restrictions. no rules. i want to get out of the classroom. and that stupid lab segment the channel makes me do where i have to wear lightsocketed hair and a stuffy pocket-protector lab coat and explain drift with cool computer graphics and no teleprompter at my disposal. these are all facts. these are all the facts. i've gone over them in my head countless times to make sure they're right. i obsessed over these bullets, point by point.

they arrive at the secret base under cover of hurricane.

Greg: weather reconnaissance. on the 8s.

air force: that's recon, nerd.

Greg: is it a Cessna? that's what i researched on wikipedia.

air force: ready to have your frontal lobe fubarred, poindexter?

Greg: ready for my pencil to be snapped! ready for my new vagina!

air force: that's the esprit! pull down the tarp.

Greg: i'm not strong enough to accomplish that task, sir.

air force: fuck my life. i don't want to go to war, i just want to fly planes for weathermen.

the air force pulls over the large green tarp. the medium-sized object being covered is a pink stealth bomber.


husband: and now the sacramental ritual of food and drink.

sons: and dessert.

husband: right. we got the sock-it-to-me pudding ring. which looks like a funky communion host. hot cross buns emphasis on hot.

sons: or cross. we're bored.

husband: i've prepared some cremini mushrooms from my garden in a light butter glaze, all i could save from the flood and do with this pathetic paltry stove. and some Guarana Jesus Soda.

the husband cracks the pop can open, splashes the inside of his adam's apple, and licks the drops off his lips many times like cats do with their mouths.

husband: we will always be two peas milk in a pod. wait where's your sister? haven't seen her in ages.

sons: that's sweet that you think of us as two peas. that's nice. we neither, she left a long time ago.


sons: dad can we watch Sesame Street?

husband: fine. i'm trying to remain calm.

sons: but it's on HBO. but don't worry we can't see anything, it's still mostly snow.


the husband swims up the stairs to the adult bathroom. the house is half full of water.

he cuts the door in half with his axe.


Ari doesn't wake up, floating inside the moist vortex spilling out.

the phone rings.

the cats who were sleeping on the medicine cabinet yeowl like a cat out of hell and scramble their little feet as hard as they can carry them running out of there. scratching the wood. it's an unspoken competition to see who's the fastest to scram. the cats are side by side and trip each other up with their tangled paws. a clear path forms and one jumps in a split-second before the other. they swim like Plague rats on the Thames. none of this motion and commotion and underwater current affects the body of Ari.

husband: OUR LITTLE GIRL IS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ari opens her eyes.

Monday, May 1, 2017


1. today is Couple Appreciation Day. what do you most appreciate about being a couple (consider current or past relationships)? we share everything, even nothingness. i sleep in her arms. for long stretches. sometimes for weeks at a time. we're not codependent drug buddies i swear. we're just very close.

2. it is also Global Love Day. how can you or how will you extend love today? by ending all of my instagram comments with that blue grid Earth emoji.

3. May 1 is Loyalty Day as well. originally it had to do with patriotism in the United States. that meaning aside, in what ways are you loyal? if you date me i'll never leave the house...

4. so today it seems is also Phone In Sick Day. when was the last time you phoned in sick? were you really sick? how did you spend the "sick" day? Berkeley. my first college job. library-shelver at the world-famous oval marble Rotunda. two days in and i'm sick of everyone's faux intelligence and that one frat-pledge dude who won't leave me alone about knowing more about bands than me. and my hot-pink hot punk supervisor whom pledge dude proceeds to cock-block me to hell at every book-stack corner and turn with. so on the third day i pick up my shaky Oakland apt phone, do a few pretend coughs, i was studying acting after all, and wheeze that i won't be able to come into the office today...or ever. i felt so ashamed when i put down the dial. later that day i went to the library Rotunda and spent the rest of the day doing my homework.

5. May 1, 1840 the world's first adhesive postage stamp was issued in the United Kingdom. who would you like to see on a postage stamp?


bonus: how was your first day of May? still recovering from last year's. in which i was recovering from the year before. okay two years ago i became a Wiccan. the villagers didn't take too kindly to that and shoved the Maypole up my ass. my fellow friendly witches spent that next year trying to pry it from my butt and so they slacked off on honing their magic skills. with lack of magic practice they were easily captured for Walpurgis Night. it was only when we felt the heat of that large bonfire did we realize this wasn't a parade...


on top of the A To Z Challenge, i ran the Big Sur Marathon and did a Civil War Reenactment where i played Andrew Jackson. and seven loads of laundry. and survived that new disturbing Attack on Titan end credits and drank a cup of Tang with too much powder. i don't know if i'm tired or wired.

Saturday, April 29, 2017


this is the Jake Winters of my discontent. see that's the thing. there are a lot of shows here that i WANT to talk about. and i KNOW these shows, they've presented themselves to me in ads or some darkweb thing where i found out about them. i'm into the more obscure, the better. i mean why should Tom Cruise get all the glory just cos he pays his dues to the church.

but when i go to write, i realize that i haven't actually seen these shows. i know about them, i'm sure i would be fast fans of them if i did watch them, i know how clever and edgy and cutthroat and avant-gardesque and indie they are, but i forgot to make time to actually watch them. major unheralded all-around deep EXTERNAL and INTERNAL together sigh. and explode from without.

Yin Yang Yo? or rather Yin Yang Yo! i had forgotten about those damn bunnies. the hentai of this became more famous than the show. busy bunnies indeed. You Bet Your Life, Groucho and that other guy were a great funny host. i remember that awkward reboot with the other guy and the parrot puppet popping up or down or something. awkward is a relative term.


the one most egregious and hurts the most is YOUNG BLADES. remember PAX? what's Ion? it's set in Three Musketeersville and has the hot wench in the servant dress who surprises and swashbuckling horses and magic streams of water and everything else. i SHOULD be watching this, i should have it memorized, but i never actually did. i saw maybe the intro. i guess it was the whole PAX thing, i was in my atheist phase so religion was the devil.

anyway, look up Young Blades and let it cut you with a blunt round tip. and give you a 17th-century mustache ride.

The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles had all the hype and hoopla and cachet of Spielberg and a hot young cast and hot writers. the writers were hot, not just their work. all my class kids talked about it and wrote under-notes about it. i thought i saw it...........but i didn't. i went to SeaWorld that day instead. and got traumatized for life.

i know The Young Ones was a cultural phenomenon. i know it speaks to my punk roots. i know it's a guide to the modern-day chav. i think i need to get in the mood. i need to put on some Sex Pistols and hate Margaret Thatcher not cos she was a woman and dye my roots punk-color before i can prepare mentally to engage this show:


let's get to the good stuff. ZALMAN KING'S RED SHOE DIARIES. not the film, the show. who is Zalman King? some sleazy soft pornographer? nah, he's a cool guy who introduced romance into your dreary life.

this is Mulder but cool. this isn't frustrated Mulder, psychosomatic alien-masturbatory Mulder who lives alone in his D.C. apartment and his thoughts. this is your cool uncle who slips you Playboys in brown paper bags under your door when your folks aren't looking. he introduced you to JOAN SEVERANCE!!!

OMG remember Joan Severance? she was the queen of teh dream. she rattled your spleen and made it spit. prime cut of hot Houston hamhock. the Pirate Lass of Pussy. and she had such the perfect soft-core name, Joan Severance, like severe good looks and style and attitude.


Safe Sex, gotta love it! or Safe Sax rather, see the pic above.


i remember this one specifically for the strange light beam from above on that mad-scientist chair that looks like an alien abduction. nice tie-in.

Jake Winters is sad over the suicide of his beloved Alex. btw anyone know the actress who played Alex? can't find it. i want to see if she did anything non-nude. so in an effort to try to comprehend Alex's unwieldy passion, Jake enlists help. along with his dog Stella, he paces back and forth on railroad tracks reading the letters he solicits (not that solicits) from women all over the globe who anonymously write about their trysts, motivations to fuck, losing their virginity in the wildest way possible in garages and greenhouses, and first loves, which you never truly get over. your first loves are always your best loves. you spend the rest of your life searching for what you had that first time, your only time. Stella was so cute. i don't remember what Stella looked like.

now the one episode i really want to see is "The Picnic", or whatever the last one is, true last one, series finale which explains everything. i want to go back and experience Jake's flashbacks with Alex to find out why the soft beauty leaning on a tree had such fucked-up parents that she felt the need to die.

Fox Duchovny (David Mulder?) wears a Columbo trenchcoat and looks like a newspaper man, it's classic.


i was on the cusp of lechery when i got into this show. or it got into me one day after baseball practice. still a newbie with cable, the cableman said i might be experiencing accidental channels cos the signals would cross over crowded Los Angeles. i sure did. i could move the bunny-ears one way and get snow, the other way and get the faint signal of the Playboy Channel and Red Shoes. i dare not wear red tennis shoes to tip my parents off. i remember i was alone one night and saw, heard more, the Playboy Call-In Line Show and two naked centerfolds wearing nothing but tinfoil bunny ears egging on a male call-in caller to think of them naked as he cummed into his boot. 11 years old. scarred. not even socks, man. never the same, i felt like a freak from then on. different, at the chokehold chained leash of my puerile desires. and JUST THEN is when i saw the alien chair...


so what's it gonna be? where do you go from here? what are you gonna watch next? tv will always be there for you when your fickle frenemies aren't. your adult-swim imaginary friend. your TV pal and confidant. your lover. this is all the world you need. are you brave enough to walk the prank? be the target of some crazy kids? or are you more into the Puppy Super Bowl and Kevin Nealon? tv doesn't care, it will show you what's real, warts and all. it will rot every synapse of your brain till you're schizophrenic with samples and don't believe in anything anymore. except art. you will betray your beliefs and business meetings to catch an episode. you would rather watch a box than be the box. decompress and delineate and debate than date and dinner. did you know there are close to 500 different tv shows on right now? that's too many. what came first, you had no life so you turned to tv or tv gave you no life? in my case, yes. but one thing i know for certain: one day, when you least expect it, tv will save your life.

things i learned completing this challenge:


* i wanted to be famous...
* thank you for all the, sigh, love
* i actually did it! with no help! score one for the loners!
* Jane and the Dragon and 24 Hours in the ER. now you know. i can die happy.
* you don't have to go on vacation. simply miss work for a week.
* thank you for this test. i learned a lot. about myself. like i would rather be busy than bored...


now if you'll excuse me, my General Tso chicken is ready. i don't have time to eat it. better just eat the whole bag of seed i have a tummy ache. no fortune cookie for sobering bread? get that lollipop out my face!

oh, and when you're having a tough time and you're down in the gutter and your face is all rough dumps and you're feeling bad about yourself and you don't have time for self-care and you haven't made a memory that wasn't already in a tv script, remember that in life