Monday, April 10, 2017


Illuminati for kids. best show ever. the golden age of Nickelodeon. you could watch this show four new episodes back to back day after day a week soap-opera-style and then Avatar and Korra stuff right after. Nickelodeon hasn't recovered since. they say The Loud House is good but i don't know. at least Hunter Street is following in Anubis's proper footsteps.

it was a mystery steeped in Egyptian lore and inside English boarding-school students. it had to do with finding trinkets. it was about eyes and the Eye. monsters both ghostly and real-life. the kids weren't stuffy students no sir they were kids like you and me. they yearned to be free. to find first love amongst the homeworks. but seriously who would want to go to school and leave where they lived? they were bedding in the most awesome haunted English country estate house complete with ornate carpets, dusty paintings, spiral staircases, chandeliers near the bedrooms wink wink, a kitchen full of dusting flour, and the phat Indian babe from that British police show as the maid/support/mother replacement.

don't let them fool you, the show was never the same after the original girl lead left. the surfer dude from America or whatever was the deathknell. she was fascinating. talk about multiculturalism. she was this Spanish Disney soap actress who was like the Hilary Duff of her country but unknown in America. she then had to play as the American student coming to Britain so she faked an American accent. not very well. if there was one knock on this show it was the staid rigid acting. but hey they really were a bunch of unknown kids, novices in their field.

this show is British and American by way of Belgium through the original Dutch show. i trust it cos i'm half Dutch. you ain't much if you ain't Dutch.

but of course the real star of the show was Victor. this guy was a revelation, a gem of a find, he was the best actor you've never heard of. he was the Shakespearean of the group who took the job to pay rent but hated every minute of it and it showed in his performance. he was the master of being always angry, frustrated, and constantly discombobulated as well as annoyed and livid. he had a special hatred for those stupid girls and their cellphones and curls and those stupid boys with their vests and books. he was determined to have warring factions, which is the mark of any good educator. he was the caretaker but he should have been the principal. he was searching for pieces, too, alongside, parallel.


the first Sprint guy before that annoying nerd in the glasses.

okay, the real star of the show was Corbierre, Victor's stuffed raven and the only living thing (that was dead) Victor confided in. Victor would talk to this bird constantly telling out loud his plans to crush those meddling kids and send them snivelly-nosed back to mommy and daddy. the kids eavesdropped cos that's what kids do. poor Victor, he was a failed taxidermist who took it out on innocent schoolchildren. they say you're hiding something if you wear a pointy beard. Victor later became a tragic hero but in the first season he was the best bastard. Victor was their daddy now. quoth the raven, he can't cos he's dead.


the major throughline that first season was the strange disappearance of Joy. bff Patricia's constant catchphrase that wore thin was WHERE IS JOY? WHERE IS JOY?! WHERE IS JOY!!! like that every single episode, building up, boiling into a rude refrain.



we rib Patricia all the time on instagram about this. as of this publishing date, she hasn't responded once to our comments.

sketchy stuff for a kid's show on Nick. Patricia ends up kidnapped by a local barnhand or something and thrown into a cold barn at night with nothing but one peanut-butter (or ham) sandwich to eat.

Joy by the way is played by a Skins actress so you knew from the start this was gonna be good.


mommy, daddy, plop your tyke in front of the tube and let them watch this. they will pull on your skirt (kilt if a man) and beg you for them to join the Sibuna Club. the Sibuna Club is ultra-rare and secret and selective and your child will feel special for the first time if they get in. Sibuna has its own globalist hand signal covering one eye like a new-age pirate. by the end of it your kid will learn how the world really works i mean they'll learn to solve puzzles.

what is an Anubis anyway?


and for Horus...


Jules said...

Never seen this! Whaaaa?
Is S going to be for Skins? *)

the late phoenix said...

that's strange my sweet cos this is essentially a British show. then again you probably don't watch a lot of British tv for kids. so many choices for S, we'll see, Skins would be a load, i might not have the strength by then *)