TV depends on mood. you watch Queer Eye for an hour to be inspired, uplifted. it's positive, it signals you want to make a change, you want to improve yourself. never laugh at a fat guy at a gym, never laugh at someone who is trying to better themself, i read that on instagram. you watch porn if you want to find out the color of the drapes at the pizza guy's house after the deal is made. you watch Tenchi Muyo GXP if you want to veg out and not think for a half hour. or want to riff at the adult swim messageboards, now defunct cos of trolls. have you noticed all messageboards are being permanently removed due to trolls? what does that tell you in a larger sense about society? you watch literal cartoon vegetables if you want to learn about Christ's eternal sacrifice.
if i can't eat food, i can at least look at it. instagram, eh? so i was flipping through S shows at wikipedia and i realized this would be the big one, the longest list. and i said fuck it i can't choose. i mean a lot mean a lot to me. i have a lot of S in my life.
so let me cook for you. there, it's on the table which is about to break, take a little of this and a little of that and have fun. if your show is not on the list i've already talked about it or it's too hard to write about:
THE SADDLE CLUB
was still in the throes of my depression, which i am right now. this moment. my first breakdown, or was it my second? being soothed by the clippity clop of horse hooves on soft grass. i could see how this was a positive team-building girlpower message for young girls, but i was in it to win it at the Kentucky Derby. i remember the one blonde bitch, there's always a bitch in these girl shows who's blonde, with a bale of hay up her ass and her jodhpurs in a bunch always jealous and cracking the whip and causing the Club chaos. like her actual riding crop. i hope she has to sing those cheesy songs from the show forever and isn't allowed to "grow up and go adult" like Selena or Demi.
SALUTE YOUR SHORTS
one day i'll see it. i've heard great things about it. i was still ignorant to the magic of cable when this aired. i don't like westerns, though.
SAM & CAT
two words: Ariana Grande
i know everyone salivates over this series but i never got it. i was forced to watch the first episode of the original series long ago against my will cos they were threatening to withdraw my artist card if i didn't. i recognize the artistry of it, the effective pools of silence, but yeah, never hit me. the Scotsman, okay. everyone salivates double these days cos the long-awaited continuation is more "mature" and on toonami. so is there an orgy with Jack and the Daughters of Aku? couldn't tell you. on paheal there is. oh, i was told i had to end this with T H I C C
THE SARAH JANE ADVENTURES
i'll never forgive BBC America for stopping airing this show just as it was getting into the meat of a student who was mysteriously becoming a possible enemy. it was always good. Rest In Power Sarah Jane. Elisabeth Sladen was Carrie Fisher before Carrie Fisher.
SCOOBY-DOO MYSTERY INCORPORATED
EVERYONE should watch this with their nostalgia glasses OFF. this isn't your grandparents' Scooby-Doo, my grandpa didn't watch cartoons and was a cat person. it's a fabulous show. it upsets the shiny apple cart and plays into the long-seated tropes of the series and turns them on their head. it's very knowing about itself and there are lines of dialogue you wouldn't expect the characters to say. let's just say it's REAL. Fred is painfully aware of how stupid his ascot is and his obsession with traps. Daphne wants to fuck Fred just to see what it's like to eat white bread. Velma knows she's smart and chubby but not necessarily a lesbian but also Shaggy isn't the man she thought. he's a flake. Shaggy wasn't paid for one episode cos he skipped out a day of shooting for 420. Scooby has to come to grips with his eating disorder. they won't run in and out of doors from monsters, or if they do, they'll point it out. i loved it, first Scooby series i watched tip to stern. i was exhilarated when a new episode came on, i knew i would be treated to cynical exchanges. after all this franchise is older than your grandpa. written by the grandchildren of the fans of the original series, whose innocence was killed by the internet.
the dawn of adult swim, the beginning of the end of mores and civilization. one day some guy named Mike or George Lowe had the idea to take the classic cartoons we all grew up watching and reminiscing about and sexing and drugging and cursing 'em up. made your animated heroes into ordinary people like you and me with problems and prejudices and character flaws. and it was funny cos they could finally say what they were thinking. and it's just jarring seeing Boo Boo run wild.
here's all you need to know.
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AND ADD A PLUS ONE, IF WE ONLY KNEW BACK THEN WHAT WOULD BE WROUGHT
MURPHY IS A MENSCH
what they did to that poor Debbie...
this was a sexy crime drama. it was noir and filmic and full of steam everywhere, literally on the streets and figuratively in the sheets. or is that the other way around? the fact that it was in color was distracting. it was Fifty Shades. well maybe Twenty Five Shades, the porn was soft and glossy. the one thing i'll take to the shallow grave from this show was the lady detective. her chemistry with the chiseled man detective was electric. those were two copulating cops. sure she was hot, but she has the best name a femme fatale could ever have:
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LIKE TWO SHIPS PASSING IN THE NIGHT
Dashiell is turning in his grave, cos he wants to un-die and become a zombie so he can write for a bombshell character named Mitzi Kapture.
just remembered the video-game arcade cabinets in the sprawling indoor portico of the rich kid's mansion. even a full waverunner. casting for a real-life Richie Rich brought little Ricky Schroder into our lives. he prefers to be called Rick Schroder now, NYPD Blue and all. dude has a bunch of kids.
here are some SKINS BLOOPERS. be sure to seek out that one interview with the (best) Series 1 kids talking about how they had to make sex sounds on cue. awkward.
smart sports from Sage Sorkin. fascinating. ESPN had to catch up to this so now all of the ESPN writers and anchors and personalities and babes are from Harvard, right? no more hushed corporate culture, right ESPN?
SQUARE ONE TELEVISION
i remember this show but i can't remember a single skit. something about a math detective agency? the songs were catchy though i recall not a one. another blessed event where we actually used tax-payer-funded school time to watch television and this show. all i do know is that i learned more from this than my math teacher. and my math teacher was a hot man with a mustache.
spoilers: it was all ice cream. a snow cone. let us pray for the suicides.
STRANGE DAYS AT BLAKE HOLSEY HIGH
when i was scrolling i landed on this on the list and came close to making this the main and everyone else second. only because i had TOTALLY FORGOTTEN about this show and went OH YEAH!!! out loud heartily and delightfully in my room.
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another Discovery Kids masterpiece which played on NBC Saturday mornings, another gem with good acting and that pristine Canadian wilderness. kid X-Files. where is Emma Taylor-Isherwood now? as long as it's not porn. Josie is forever trapped in time. the gingers are taking over. and ONCE AGAIN i had forgotten about the hunk! Daniel Clark! fucking Daniel Clark was on this before Degrassi! i watched this whole show from stem to end, including the "Conclusions" conclusion, i remembered Vaughn, but not that he was THE Daniel. we learned about wormholes and a lab and the PROPER use for Baoding balls. who is Blake Holsey anyway? something about a clone of Josie in a black hood...
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