Tuesday, April 18, 2017


warm. cheery. good tidings. that is Ozzy Osbourne. no seriously. The Osbournes will (i think) be the only reality show i talk about for this because it was not really a reality show, it was good. it was more an invitation to enter the living room of this beautifully quirky rock-star family who were really just like you or me, except with cameras everywhere. crazy idea, huh? what made it work, as what makes any documentary work, are the subjects, and this family was just good people, they were a rad group, they were cool. they were the furthest thing from smelling their own farts or thinking they were God's gift. if anything they were the Devil's gift. and the Devil is always out there having fun.

they were wacky, goofy, didn't take themselves too seriously. and their English accents helped, it made their jokes funnier and their antics strange and european. the British laugh is intoxicating. whether Ozzy spoke with an accent is still hard to tell.

remember when MTV was good? when you looked forward to clearing your schedule at night? when you could order steak in with your tv family and hang out? this show is still MTV's all-time most popular and deservedly so.

let's first talk about Sharon Osbourne, the milf matriarch and driver of the show. i don't know about you, but i think Sharon Osbourne is really cool, like one of the coolest people i've ever "met". she's sexy not so much from looks as from character. from the start i enjoyed her, i fell for her whip wit. she's just charming, humble when she stories about how she first met Ozzy as a plain manager with auburn hair and fell in love with the old brute. that was sweet. when she dyes her hair red she gets all the amenities of being a ginger and turns into a rockin' mama who's not afraid to curse and be the dynamic stronghold who keeps the shit together through the trial waves. her cancer storyline deepened my love for her. i dunno but i want Sharon to be my mum. my second mummy.

i hope she and Ozzy can work things out. i know tv is a fantasy but that's why we love it. we don't want real life to intrude. we have a glorified version of Lucy and Desi in our heads. but if it's not meant to be i guess real life won. i did like how Kelly was quoting "Lemonade" lyrics on her insta captions after the split. if it's true Ozzy what the fuck are you doing?! this is Sharon Osbourne, the greatest woman in the world!

in discussing Ozzy we must discuss that he is crazy. or is he? is it all an act? at any rate he's gentle and that's what counts. he's not "metal", that's the most metal thing he can be. i remember the scene with the bubble machine and he getting all flustered over that. and Sharon's dark premonition that things were going too well for the clan so something bad was gonna happen, and it does right on cue with the ATV accident and Ozzy's near-death. thank God(?) he pulls through and is back to being Ozzy. Ozzy said he was stoned throughout the run of the show...don't worry, mate, no one noticed. those shivers were from being cold, right Ozzy? i mean he's not really a Satanist, right? that bat was plastic, right?

i developed a crush on Kelly Osbourne. i had it bad for her. i still have one. i'd marry that girl if i could. there's something about her. cos she's thicc? her punk hair? her burgeoning voice? cos she's Hildy Gloom? as with all things, it's probably the accent.

speaking of marriage you had Robert the orphan boy taken in and whom Sharon wanted Kelly to marry. Robert ended up in an insane asylum so i related to that.

Jack was such an embarrassed softspoken boy in those days. except when he was chewing out Melinda. he quietly flipped through his CD collection on that infamous MTV Cribs episode which served as the prepilot for the show. i remember him raving about AIC and SOAD. since then he's turned into a headstrong and responsible father. who likes video games. i always liked his look, the glasses things, man, that was oddly hipster and a cool contrast. it was as if Jack should have been Michael Stipe's son.

Melinda the Australian nanny. let's not get into that war again.

and poor Minnie Osbourne! the cherished dog whom Sharon you could tell loved more than any other family member. that stunt where i and the rest of the viewers thought Minnie was dead as the cliffhanger into the next season was downright cruel. but also strangely satisfying when you learned Minnie was okay and it was all a devilish Osbourne practical joke. perfectly Osbourne with the gallows humour. R.I.P. Minnie.

and poor Aimee Osbourne! who was kinda treated like a dog. Aimee refused to be a part of the show and thought the whole reality thing cringey, which it is, it's very intrusive and no sane person would do this for free. i feel sorry for her. i don't know if she possesses the requisite shamelessness needed to be an Osbourne. i'm not sure if it's that she's too much of a lady or she has a stick up her ass. at any rate it's just devastating to have no mention of your name on the show and all the family portraits have you scissor-cut out, your possessions moved, your room blocked, no trace, like you've never existed, like you were never born. she was this ghost who hovered over the house. she was there but not there. i hope they've since reconciled. you see Aimee alone in pictures and you sigh. ghosts aren't scary, estrangement is.

i always wondered how Aimee would have been on the show. more like Kelly or Sharon? that's what fanfiction is for.

the Osbournes. the family you came home to. they looked like The Addams Family but weren't industrial, they were your neighbors next door. like Pat Boone. they were cooler than your family.




Other contenders: The Oblongs, getting into adult swim again. O'Grady, milking the Degrassi success on The N. One-Punch Man, too new. The Outer Limits, the '90s version i love too much to write about and open my secrets box.

and of course The Office. this has been written to death. i have written about every aspect of this show, what it meant to me, my life experiences as regards this show, my incidents, extras, viewer commentaries, bloopers, music videos and monkeys and so forth on every platform conceivable. there is nothing more to say. so just dance. dance some MC Hammer shit.




Jules said...

You're way too good for Kelly Osbourne.

My favourite part of that show was Ozzy colouring in by numbers. Legend! *)

Jules said...

And sorry I've been so late. Easter and work and Easter work and Jesus made me not sleep from business. Please forgive. *)

the late phoenix said...

i'm afraid she's too good for me. i'll never gain the status to get on the Raya app.

when we get too busy, mah dahlin, we must take a moment and think of Jesus in that cave *)