THE POPE'S BLACK SHOES: THE TOASTER SETTING SHOULDN'T CHANGE LIKE THAT

 

Pope Bob From Chicago: it's musty in here.

they're at the Sistine Chapel.

altarboy: sir we aired-out your room as you ordered. 

Pope Bob: the Crying Room needs a LOT of airing-out.

altarboy: we did.

Pope Bob: huh, it's still musty in here.

Pope Bob addresses the frantic faithful outside from the balcony.

Pope Bob: rabid onlookers, it's such a nice day, why can't we do my First Mass at the Monaco Grand Prix? that is one SEXY race. the Monaco Grand Prix is the unofficial start to summer!!!

lacrosse: ...

lacrosse in a cavern: ...

altarboy: ready to bring the smoke, Holy Papa?

Pope Bob: yes, it's time for Communion. friends, countrymen, fellow spiritualists, look at this glass bowl, it has too many lemons. when life gives you THIS many lemons, give em away!!! everyone in the Pax Romana gets a lemon!!!

Melissa Maker in Rome: strawberry ice cream for breakfast.........trust me...

me: why did you choose ChatGPT over ME?!!!

we're at the plaza surrounded by cobblestone.

me: i'd just like to thank you for all your help locating Jen R for me.

Spencer Wilcox wearing a Tom Petty hat and John Lennon glasses: mate i ain't bothered. i just don't care either way, you know? i'm busy with my magic. i disappear when you most need me.

After Dark, My Sweet.

ex-boxer Kevin "Kid" Collins, a drifter and escapee from a mental hospital...

me: ALREADY i relate to this film.

Roger Ebert: ATMOSPHERE.

boxer: but those were church bells in my head.

dates: both meanings.

only house in the desert: ...

Rachel Ward: keep your hair on.

Jason Patric: my pubic hair is bald.

Rachel: get in.

Jason: oh no, this is the exact car scene as that Tommy Wiseau car scene.

it's not much but it's private: this is my dream.

find people who take an interest in you: and not just at WKRP.

sir: makes me uncomfortable.

Palm Springs: it's so quiet here you can hear the cicadas quietly reading manga.

Mel's Diner: drifters go to the back with the dishes and detergent.

doctor: Collie, you're the female Blanche DuBois.

Collie calling on a corded phone: mom, the doctor looks like old Luke Skywalker. and i have a skeleton of an extinct cat in my bedroom.

drink your clothes: like Fred Flintstone.

machete: that sugar you sprinkle atop your morning cereal requires me. you don't think about that, do you? datecane is toxic.

Jen: the best part of those old phones was not the cord but the cradle.

valet Collie: sorry, ma'am, i thought you were Rosemary from Rosemary's Baby, not a tennis player. got the visors mixed up.

Robert Stack: this is so Unsolved Mysteries.

boy from the Veruca Salt "All Hail Me" music video: there are no bad seeds, only bad trees.

Claudine Pepin: Father Time Being?

Jacques Pepin in a toga: no, for the time being.

Gloria Pepin: we treat our guests to a tree.

aspic: meat Jello.

Sebastiao Salgado: Picasso as a photographer. has the Amazon Rainforest been restored? Brazil would work better as an anarchy...

Treavor Scales: whose line is it anyway?...

Fanapt: because the anime community aren't a bunch of schizos, we just want to find unlikely love at a key shoppe...

Jaleel White on his knees: remember, you can top off a lot weed in a Split Second...

Trent Reznor singing Nine Inch Nails "Where Is Everybody?": y'all didn't think i could be FUNKY.

Kid Cudi: are you still a snitch if the feds force your hand?

bra shield: for Witness Protection...

Vince Spadea: i'm chillin in Van Nuys, ya know? wearing the bucket hat before Bieber. 21 losses in a row, but i smiled through every match. because i played tennis for money. i played Charlie Brown that one summer at UCLA theatre camp in the '80s...

Jen R: your heart was THUMPING on that call to me on the old-fashioned phone.

me: my heart was BEATING OUT OF ITS CHEST.

PG Tips: shoepolish-brown.

Sky News: you can't find us because we're fucking Channel 4006!!!

Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator: where are you?...

Jen R: you were lucky you caught me on my day off, Thursday, i was home instead of the machine.

me: AI screwed up my love life, but you were always my home.

Rihanna: on your main.

Bela Lugosi: on my vein? why is Rihanna dressed as a vampiress?

274: the meaning of life, the number of Tootsie Roll Pop licks.

kid at the Monaco Grand Prix wearing plush red DJ-headphones: i'm cute.

Jiminy Cricket: i've been wishing for a century and NOTHING. this is my 117th different wish on this fucking star...

Hello Meteor Impact Bloom: those '90s drums.

altarboy: the people aren't religious anymore.

Pope Bob: religion is old money. you need something TECH NEW AGE to get Gen Z. to grab Gen Z. to flip Gen Z's eyeballs. 

altarboy: Manhattanhenge is spiritual.

Pope Bob: yes it is. Manhattanhenge is the ultimate DUSK. Manhattanhenge always makes me cry. it's the one chance city folk get to experience what it's like to live in the country.

altarboy: i'm groggy today.

Pope Bob: you're groggy every day, man.

altarboy: it was the strangest thing at the papal kitchenette this morning, the toaster setting had changed. that had never happened before. i had never seen that before.

Pope Bob: yeah what's the deal? for a century the toaster setting was at 3 and the bread toasted perfectly. now it BURNS at 3!!! you have to move it to 2.5 to get the nice browning it had at 3. i mean this is some crazy shit. i can talk to God about this but this is the type of crazy shit that just shouldn't happen in this day and age, you know?