OLACH IN ORLEANS: SALLY FORTH DIFFERENT

 

Olach: i'm scared.

Julie Patzwald: it's okay, you just have to talk to him in the daytime when he's charming.

Olach: i can't deal with Southern people, you know?

the Bourbon Street bar is surprisingly empty at 11 AM.

Dan Fielding: hey sorry about last night. did you know the Sour Cream & Onion chip was invented right here in New Orleans? a Louisianan delicacy. my house got hurricaned into a swamp last night.

Olach: yeah i'm sorry, too. can i call you A.J.?

Dan: um.........no. it's just.........the Night Court writers really screwed me over, you know? i wanted to fuck Abby Stone but they INSISTED it's more poignant if i'm her father figure...

back upstairs Olach is in Julie Patzwald's bed with her.

Olach: i'm scared.

Julie: i'm just applying your eye makeup. you never thought you'd see the day a woman of my caliber would be doing your makeup.

Olach: this is definitely better than sex.

Julie: when i look into your eyes, i see.........nothing. you know? all the light has left your eyes, you are completely dead inside.

Olach: the light escaped and went to Bali where they care about the environment.

Julie: you need eyes which reflect your mood. there are two types of goth eyes: the Rinnegan or olo.

Olach: olo's new...

Julie: all that's left is your pancake pale makeup all over your body. a goth body for a goth mind.

Olach: isn't it enough that i wear all-white and am skinny?  

Julie: do you want me to put it on using a powder puff or a mop?...

Glendora, CA: where Glinda the Good Witch is actually from.

Jen R: Wicked was the last movie i TOLD you i saw...

Mara from Progressive: but HAVING dinner every night is a blessing...

Red Dwarf: that's not a box set, that's a box city!!!

General Barry McCaffrey: this is my resting face...

the conclave: cardinals in jury duty...

Dr. Beverly Crusher: shouldn't it be fazer?...

JFK: if you're unclear, don't go nuclear...

Julie: are you Olach cos you're an alkie?

Olach: ask my mother.

Camus: you know what i learned being a soccer goalkeeper?.........PSG's fans are really stuck up. they're arrogant, they TURN THEIR NOSE UP at people, you know?

Jalen Brunson: the Villanova days, the halcyon days, Tournament time, when after a made shot i would close my eyes and open my mouth WIDE in jubilation.

Pope Leo XIV wandering the Villanova campus: much like my jubilation when i got the fuck outta the United States and let all those Peruvian pleasures sink into me.

Peruvian pizza: ...

Pope Leo XIV: we used to call Villanova Vulva...

law firm on Spanish channel: auto accident? we have a helicopter...

Edwin: there aren't any famous Edwins...

MC Hammer: my pants needed an MC Hemmer...

Johnny Depp in Blow: my River Phoenix tribute...

Jen R in St. Peter's Square: i'm wearing my seagull hat. with the flaps. nobody knows what a baby seagull looks like. would it be disrespectful if i wear my oversize novelty Pope hat? it's the same mitre i wear to San Diego Padre games...

Abbot Butt at the gym: hey can you hold my pectoral cross for me? it's chest day...

Leo XIV: call me Pope Bob From Chicago. i'll take a 7-Eleven dog on a roller. i like John Hughes, the Cubs, and Brooke Trantor. my favorite song is Alice In Chains "Man in the Box." at the conclave i stuffed The Meaning of Life inside a rotisserie chicken...

Cardinal Timothy Dolan: that chicken smelled like my grandmother's butt at the convalescent home.

Pope Bob: Chiclayo, not Chicago...

PBS: the greatest thing humankind has ever created.

Steven Keaton: Elyse will NEVER leave me now...

Mister Rogers: i wanted to wear Air Jordans on set instead of those godforsaken loafers.

Bill Gates: Elon Musk will never be invited on Sesame Street. why can't i be President?...

mom: it's old cough.

Alan Watts: can't be solved with syrup.

Alan Watts: nothing can be solved...

Julie Patzwald: you're borrowing my dead mother's brothel creepers for the rest of your life.

Olach: i couldn't. i mean that's creepy even for me.

Julie: hence the name brothel creepers. a goth man needs goth shoes. shoes have nothing to do with sex. you'll finally LOOK the way you feel.

Olach: i swear to you on our new friendship that i only solicited a whore once in my life and she wasn't your mother. 

Olach tries on the brothel creepers and steps outside on the cold Big Easy cobblestone.

Julie: notice the sound?

Olach: nothing. no sound whatsoever as i step foot walking the street.

Julie: whatever you say through the course of your day you're never heard. you're a shadowy specter with a smoking bottom lithely gliding floating one centimeter above the sidewalk...

Olach: the world can only afford to be goth in movies and fine films.

Julie: come on, let's go to Gretna for some crepes...