OLACH IN ORLEANS: TARAMASALATA

Olach: how long was i out for?

Julie Patzwald: zero minutes. you're still in the American pub.

Dan Fielding approaches.

Julie: he's smug, not drunk, which worries me.

Dan Fielding: well go on, show us your party piece.

Olach starts to unzip his pants.

Dan: no entertain us!!!

Julie: the jukebox's broken i guess.

Olach: oh well i can tell you the exact year New Orleans is gonna turn into a Raging Waters...

Dan: hey hey HEY. we don't take kindly to strangers in these parts. Royal Street is reserved.

Julie: why are you acting like you in that '80s Twilight Zone you were in?

Olach: i can tell you the exact meters.

Dan: this is Merica, son, we do inches. no woman has ever said my penis was 1 meter.

Julie: this place is getting heated on a rainy day. let's skedaddle and vamoose, come up to my room upstairs.

Olach: your bedroom is on top of a bar?

Julie: not very goth, but very noir.

parasocial: it's better than nothing.

Spies Like Us.

Bing Crosby: hello, i am the USSR Ambassador to the U.S. 

Chevy Chase: just looking for the Win, Lose or Draw taping. is Loni guest-hosting today?...

Dan Aykroyd: Donna Dixon, you are not pretty. but i HAVE fallen in love with your Jersey accent.

Donna Dixon: NEW Jersey.

Dan: i hate guns. Lorne Michaels said i was too liberal to be on SNL.

Chevy: it's the Soviet Goonies.

Dan: that nuclear warhead will turn you into a permanently-orange bad president...

Donna Dixon: take these suction-dart guns used on Double Dare...

Snow Soviets dancing: there is no need to fight, everyone in Moscow grow up wanting to be John Cusack with boombox.

JCPenney: we stopped the nukes on Christmas Day 1986, not many people know the story...

Gorbachev: we are not fazed by your Mulder and your Scully. UFOs come to Mother Russia way more than America. more land. more cows.

Danny Elfman: opening notes of the B:TAS theme song?...

Jen R: drive-in movie-theatre big screens are the nukes!!!

Dostoevsky: my mother wanted me to be a computer programmer...

Marilyn Manson: code is 666 yellow crooked arrow.

Chevy: don't worry, the nuke is just gonna hit New Jersey.

Donna Dixon: hey.

Chevy: wanna fuck to save the species?

Donna Dixon: no, i like my men flabby and pasty-white.

Soviet fat woman: fuck me like Maria in Sound of Music. i'll wear my nun Dumbo ears.

gays in the '80s: MANY in Moscow...

Jen R: so THAT's what happened to the good MTV in the '80s...

psychotic general: it's like that Metallica "One" music video: for democracy, ANYTHING...

Dan: i mean Trump destroyed the world in five days so it can be done.

dad: hey, Pintos are good cars.

Dan: a Russian hairpin saved the world.

Russian model: i got it off my Barbie...

Colonel Rick Moranis: place these men under arrest. war is so gauche.

Jayne Mansfield: come on, this should be easy trivia for you guys!!! i'm Russian...

Frank Oz: i'm a better actor than Ben Stein...

Paul McCartney: my song "Spies Like Us" stopped WWIII. but only John Lennon could have prevented WWIV...

Julie Patzwald's upstairs room is all-black even in the blue moonlight.

Julie Patzwald: we won't be disturbed up here. we are free to be disturbed. 

Olach: i love the quiet. there is so much NOISE in the world.

Julie: hey you ever deliberately NOT EAT the last scoop of crumbs at the bottom of the Hidden Valley Ranch Cheez-It bag just so you don't have to travel to the kitchen to recycle the box properly?

Olach: oh yes. in my case it's Triscuits because i'm trying to impress Cecily Strong.

Dirg: the best way to stretch out your back is to masturbate...

Clarissa Molina at Cinco de Mayo: don't you DARE call it a Chola Cookie...

Harry Kane in Germany: I FINALLY WON WIMBLEDON!!!

it's spaghetti-complicated...

McDonald's chicken tenders: long McNuggets.

The New Pope: yeah but what's happening in the Diddy Trial?...

Blunt Rochester: you KNOW i keep it real...

Kurt Cobain: if i had just gotten a cup of Seattle's Best coffee in my hand AT THAT MOMENT i'd still be here today...

me: wait i get it, my life is a four-year VR game. my game parameters are always the same: somehow locate and marry Jen Reynolds and then do crosswords with her.

Jen R: this could very well be the case. but it requires you to have a paid subscription to Peacock to get all the Red Dwarf episodes. and you better like Wordle because there's no more newspaper ink in the world...

Jen R: it won't makes sense until you're with your soulmate.

Capp: the problem with this being all there is is that this is all there is...

Leslie Sbrocco: pink sweater beats purple shirt...

Anthony Bourdain: you can't bullshit artists, we're not bullshit artists...

Walmart: check with your neighbors to see if your package is there, not at your doorstep. we do this DELIBERATELY to encourage neighborhood bonding and civic engagement...

Jen R: trying to find me is like trying to find a 5-Pack of Vanquish...

Depeche Mode: we're a power couple now...

Terry Pratchett: that's DOCTOR Pratchett. the Black Plague ain't over...

Jen R: if i come back a decade later, you'll have to drop everything, drop your life with your wife and kids and start over with me.

me: soulmate supersedes sus.

Druski: i was depressed in college. everyone is depressed in college. i dropped out the MOMENT i watched my first Jack Harlow YouTube video...

Julie Patzwald: tell me your dreams.

Olach: i got weird ones. they're BRIGHTLY COLORED IN CARTOON PASTELS like that Twilight Zone: The Movie segment in the Bates House with the Bart Simpson girl.

Julie: i can tell you're close with your dad.

Olach: and then my dad is driving us around in the car but he's driving wildly on lawns and sidewalks. because he has to avoid the dirt circus. faded blue Pinto. see it's only when i wake up that I REALIZE IT WAS DAD. that DAD WAS HERE WITH ME.

Julie: like your dad, the world is doomed.

Olach: my dad is David Attenborough.

Olach: i have pain in my dreams. my arm is dead like hope. my wrist is tingling.

Julie: i only eat party food as my meals.

Olach: like i'm enduring pain in my dreams, you know? i look at my finger and it has a blue knuckle. no idea how i got that but it hurts. i try to ice-pack it but the ice pack is too clumsy.

Julie touches the ice pack and it becomes an ice ring that fits perfectly on Olach's finger.

Julie: see? that's not your fourth finger, that's your ring finger. all you needed was your dark bride...