MALDON SALT: WEDDING TACKLE

 

Falkor spots Hulces cutting some bread.

Hulces: no Mexican fart jokes.

Falkor: Mexican cheese is the best, that's how Taco Bell shreds the competition. 

Hulces: Taco Bell wins.

Falkor: whatcha doin' there, bud?

Falkor sees Hulces cutting a standard loaf of bread with a Woody Woodpecker SAW back and forth straining his tiny muscles.

Hulces: my arm muscles flutter in the wind.

Falkor: making homemade pizza? let me show you a trick. choose the Goldilocks slice of the loaf, the one that's MEDIUM, not too big that you have to cut it or the heel, leave the hell for dad. no cutting involved. you get the perfect slice, both meanings, slice of bread for slice of pizza.

mom: i forgot, remember?

me: i'll take wet over crazy anyday.

Toyota Lady: my back hurts, not from the Limbo but because my butt is an absolute CHUCKWAGON.

Rebel Without a Cause.

Paula Abdul: i'm nicer than Natalie Wood was...

James Dean: the world doesn't make any more sense upside-down.

James's mom: sleeping pills. for sleeping.

James: i know it's rebellious, dad, but the only chicken i like is the Tikka kind Lister showed me. i'm going to Hollywood with Frank. my head's in a sling, there's no hospital for that. i hate the idea of me.

Jen R: damn those parents are LENIENT!!! love them.

James's dad: when people die, ignore them. let's face it, Jimbo, Buzz is in Hell right now so what's the point?

James: dad, i'm gonna punch you all the way back to Gilligan's Island!!!

James on the black candlestick phone: hello? 1313 Mockingbird Lane? are The Munsters home?

Natalie Wood: huh, i thought James Dean's lips would be more sandpapery, you know?

Sal Mineo: this is my mansion but don't look at my face and call me Luigi.

James: wind the sundial.........at night...

sunken nursery: when you read the pricetag at Lowe's...

James: what's your problem?

Plato: two different-colored socks. hey can you two lovebirds be my new mommy and daddy?

Plato: no hood's gonna hide ol' Sal Mineo!!! hey this empty swimming pool would make a cool Renegade video-game level.

Plato: had to shoot, the coppers were gonna take the cool Italian radio off the side of my scooter.

James: we all need each other, okay?

Ray with James's dad riding shotgun: i'm an undercover cop. i'm really The Professor. let's forget about James Dean, i can drive you over to Gilligan's Island...

Plato: i was always cold...

James Dean, Natalie Wood, Sal Mineo: all three of us met untimely ends, we all died mysteriously, this movie is cursed!!!

Lorne Michaels: to be on SNL you MUST be an introvert...

Hulces peeks in on Falkor's mountain yoga with instructor Tai.

Tai: you see what Falkor is doing here, Hulces? he's STRAINING his back to get his cute little footsies high up in the air, crossing his feet like a scissors, and STRETCHING LEFT AND RIGHT till he topples over. that's good for the back. and Falkor's got a LONG back. downward dog is just for show.

Hulces: i still don't know how Falkor does this, how is he doing this with legs, you know?

Falkor: you're pretty.

Tai: thank you, you big lug, but you're here for yoga.

Falkor: learning to clearly and accurately describe your feelings for someone in writing is vital.

Tai: now see THAT is why i took you in as a chakra client!!! 

Falkor: when you're done, DM those feelings over to the person. make sure you've REALLY recounted and delineated each feeling.

Tai: my friends told me you were too big to be spiritual...

arcade: you don't want to play Nintendo but an arcade in the house is too expensive...

Pope Bob: anchovy deep-dish pizza? that just doesn't sound right. where's my Salade Nicoise?...

Kochanski: i sing the Red Dwarf theme song...

Kryten: i hum like Ricky Gervais...

Ana de Armas: i'm well-suited to play Harriet Wheeler of The Sundays if they ever do the Lifetime biopic. the British accent is way easier than the American accent...

Tom Cruise: things will turn around for you once you WAIT.

Aline Crumb: i only want Maiara Walsh playing me.

Robert Crumb: i'm not dead.

Pope Bob: you know why it's called The Loop in Chicago? because Pope Benedict is loopy. the mob and some boxers did John Paul I.........they spooked him and caused his heart attack. JFK was Jesus reincarnated even though Jesus didn't believe in reincarnation...

at the wedding.

Hulces: i appreciate the fancy digs and the ceremony but we don't have to get married, i know you're my best friend.

Falkor: i needed to make sure YOU knew, you know?

Hulces: i'm hungry lately. all the Maldon salt is used for my body baths so i still need to eat something sweet, i need SOME sugar, not caramel but some sweet.

Falkor: sugar from candy is vital in the healing of the body, it all counts. therefore i must sacrifice my own body to preserve yours.

Falkor transforms himself into a GIANT Falkor made of marshmallow.

Falkor: I'M THE WEDDING CAKE!!!

Hulces: TURN BACK TURN BACK!!! i can't let you do that for me!!! it's too much of a sacrifice!!! there is such a thing as a sacrifice that goes too far.