FRESHMAN LUNCH HOUR, A LESS & DEEN STORY: ELLORA'S CAVE STILL HAS ROMANCE

 

at the excavation site the sand palace juts up from its gold stone in beaming glory. Less is excited by this, Deen is along for the ride.

Mrs. Carter climbs up the sun spire in cargo shorts and Indiana Jones hat.

Mrs. Carter: Indiana is a girl's name, think about it...

Less, beaming: isn't she down-to-earth?

Mrs. Carter: i don't amble, i carve. Less, you got a C+ on my test. a bit disappointing considering it was a take-home test...

Less: isn't she just the best? isn't she so nice?

Deen: i see it. i can see you two as a couple.

Mrs. Carter: Mr. Carter works at the bank all night.

Mrs. Carter lets out one of her patented squally laughs that puts everyone at ease.

Mrs. Carter with pickaxe: find anything interesting?

Less: a lot of rocks. my life is interesting.

Mrs. Carter: you must look upon the world with the seasoned not jaundiced eye of an old lady. that'll come to you in time, soon you will be an old lady. see these strands?

Less: straw, straw huts, has to be.

Mrs. Carter: good guess. nice non-AI guess. but the strands are actually ancient spaghetti. yeah. there's your lunch hour for ya. Less, what do you want to do with your life? i mean really.

Less: write romance novels.

Mrs. Carter: you're in luck!!! i find archaeology journals dry. drier than the dust all around us. i happen to write romance novels on the side, you can help me, son. romance, not Roman.

Deen: WOW!!! now that's happenstance!!! i dug up an ancient romance novel in the sand!!! 

Less: look at that bejeweled book cover!!!

Mrs. Carter: no i'm afraid that's a Phoenician bible. yeah. notice how all the pages are blank...

Jill Sobule: who was the girl i kissed? Kacey Musgraves...

Jen R: i mean what a depressing way to go. and Jill had just done a collab with The Prodigy...

Amy Irving: my mother could SING, okay? she wasn't a sister. she's not haggard like that, that's a bad Wikipedia picture, Wikipedia did my mom dirty. she played a lot of witches.........including one in real life during my adolescence, but...

Bernie: fuck this Del Webb shit!!!

Wilford Brimley: Bernie!!! stop!!! you gotta stop, man!!! Bernie, you're driving us crazy, Bernie!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald bringing over a crusty cracked brownie slab: hey can you fix your doorbell? knocking on your door all the time hurts my knuckles.

Melissa Maker's sister Sam: girl you know i love you. but i don't have time to be in your cleaning videos, i still have a family...

Melissa Maker: but Dawn Powerwash...

Mrs. Carter: boys, the only way we're gonna get through the world now is to do a communal nap.

Deen: this is true. this is what i keep telling him, Mrs. Carter. all Less wants is for it to be the two of us.

Mrs. Carter: you can't have a commune unless you have at least 3 people.

Less: *sigh* i know.

Mrs. Carter: if you have a commune of 2 people, that's just a bad romance. the 3 of us will take turns napping with one eye open while the other two nap, in a circle at all times protecting each other from the elements. the harsh elements of bad votes.

Mrs. Talbot: even at 90 years old my nickname was Red for my ginger hair...

Spock: nurses need earplugs...

Bones: dammit alien, i'm a nurse not a...!!!...wait...

Bones: and don't call me Bones!!! call me McCoy!!!

Loungemind: i'm a homeless romantic...

Trent Reznor: i wanna fuck you like an animal. yes. but "Closer" is really a cry for help...

Afrin: it's the '70s again and you're Jack Tripper. the girl doesn't have a big nose, that's rude. you have the big nose, because you have a cold. you're trying to get laid here!!! 

Jen R: it's a simple pencil sketch on an easel. the woman has been waiting for 3 hours. is it possible to be a celibate hand-model?...

sexual congress: the only Congress i'll vote for...

suspended congress: ...

Dr. Robbins: senile, dementia, same thing...

Tahnee Welch: yes, i was the girl in those '70s Welch's Grape Juice commercials...

me: it was a headache ordering the Vanquish...

Jon Bon Jovi: the "Blaze of Glory" music video has that Dead At 21 tincture.

Jack Noseworthy: and then i starred in all those Bon Jovi videos in the '90s, like "Always..."

Harry Anderson: i'm coming back for the Night Court season finale!!!...

Pure Fix: bicycle shop in Trainspotting...

the Lakers got it: the Lakers need for JJ Redick to be less steamed. OR the Lakers got stomped on by the next Michael Jordan...

Ant-Man counting on his fingers: Ant-Man, Batman, Spider-Man, Joker in 5...

Brother Peewit: why am i going to the Conclave? minibar.

Etoile: star, not toilet.

Wally: it can be a girl's name...

Northridge Mall: you will NEVER be the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

British tea: it's not a sachet, it's a pillow.

Tony Brothers: remember? i was the NBA referee who was on Sesame Street...

Cat from Red Dwarf: i'm not a vampire...

Matt: SLAP that Coast soap bar on the heaving husk of your tired old broke body.

Skylar: got any hashish, grandpa?...

Madame Pons: bar soap is better than alcohol.

cover your drink: both meanings...

Carson Daly: i am the man who single-handedly destroyed music...

Mrs. Carter: i mean let's face it, Less, the only reason you absorbed so much knowledge from me, like Cell's tail, the only reason you learned at a cheetah's pace, the only reason you stayed in my room, my classroom, is because i'm fat...