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Jen R: what did you do?
me: i panicked.
Jen: no, for the first time in your life you didn't. i answered the phone, you hung up.
me: then i realized i had to WILL myself to talk to you. i had to SAY something, spill forth the spitty utterance on my mouth, the moment was NOW, i had to.........ACT...
Jen: on the second call you let me hear your voice for the first time. i must admit, i was expecting a lower voice, one less frantic and all-over-the-place. you DID it. you actually had to DO something for something to happen. it was never going to happen by HOPING. you had to MAKE it happen. manifest it from the clouds into reality, into real substance in the ether. do, not think.
Yoda and Mark Hapka: ...
Bette Midler: once more unto the Beaches, dear friends, before Mayim Bialik pulls out...
me: it's a straight-up miracle that i'm talking to you again.
Jen: it was all you. not your dad.
Jules Smith: the greatest love is when someone takes the time to comment on your blog post.
Frank Zappa: don't hide your smartness just to make friends. and if you're dumb, hey, go with it, be you, you can only be you in this life, be how God made you, unburdened by the long thoughts of the intelligent. if you're stupid, enjoy hockey, it's fine.
Mashly: hey. hockey is a refined sport. because there are only so many places on Earth where ice can exist.
Zappa: is that a Smurf tattoo on your left big tit?
Mashly: i'm more elastic than you'll ever be...
me: i can't believe this is happening right now. that i'm in this space. that i have a counter to Jackie Fitzgerald's Blond Rambo when i talk to her now, that i approach all my old neighbors with this new dynamic. studying for a nonexistent math test as an excuse for everything and to shut up the coughing. i'm not alone. someone to be a shield against my crazy mom.
Zappa: you're delirious, kid.
Avo Babian: i'm an Armenian dentist but i wish i was thick like that. my office is not next to a Panda Express, it's next to a RadioShack, i'm bringing your life back!!!
Chuck E. Cheese's: we're now just another strip-mall store...
at the German market not on Christmas.
Aldi: all these...
Reggie Miller: remember when i faced Spike Lee in the squared circle? that was when WWF was WWF...
Jen R: what do you want to show me?
me: Sunrise Tai-Chi for my back.
Jen: when those Asian grannies move their arms in a large circle in the sky like that, that is so BEAUTIFUL.
at the final day of Around The Horn.
me: Harry Lyles Jr. is exactly me, from the love of niche sports like tennis to the face to the bald head to the suicidal depression.
Max Kellerman: we gotta bite our tongues and swallow our whistles and invite Jay Mariotti back for the last show...
TJ Simers: am i alive or am i at a Broadway show?
Tony Reali: that one bunch of two-bananas i held turned into a banana cream pie that Shemp stepped in...
Tony Reali holding out his hand: tell me YOUR story. more episodes than Sesame Street? that can't be right, aren't they daily?...
Jennifer Ackerman: is it just me or does everyone on Wikipedia HATE all female fiction authors?...
Monk on USA Network: blue-skies shows, people felt good. no depression, just whimsy.
Spike Lee: yeah the 2000s, orange and blue skies? nope. the Knicks weren't winning all decade...
George Rodrigue: wait my Blue Dog becomes Mr. Pickles?!!!...
Louise Robey in a robe: MY '80 hair tho, bigger than Shakespeare's hair...
James Franco: alright i forgive you, you big lug.
Seth Rogen: okay, thanks, but i don't forgive YOU for all the stuff you did in the world...
Tom Cruise: i won't eat popcorn without my knife and fork.
Jeremy Renner driving his mom's snowplow: it's a wonderful relief to be removed from your body. now if only i could align things to where i live in the dreamworld, dream in the "real world," and snow plows itself.
Sarah Becker: snow plows itself over here by melting...
Dame Sarr: the new JoJo hero!!!
summer: it ain't summer till that first vomit.
Mamoru from Sailor Moon in satori sartorial splendor: i got this lime-green EARTH windbreaker from the same hairy professor who gave that guy that aquamarine YALE sweatshirt...
hairy professor: French is the universal language after all...
Satomi: butlers are parasites.
Alfred: only villains and Tommy Wiseau and those who were never loved would say such a thing...
Jacques Pepin: i'm not Morley Safer, i'm Riviera-Coast sexually exciting, i'm greasy and flavorful, i'm not boring, i'm not SAFE...
Dostoevsky with a bar of soap caught in his beard: love enters softly, suddenly turning your attention to something you thought boring your whole life. suddenly you feel an emptiness when they're not around, an emptiness in the left corner of your soul which forms right NOW for the first time in your life. this person was a part of you all along...
Luigi: the person who is your cheat code. i haven't found my soulmate yet. seriously tho, is there a wife in my future? does anyone know? how much do those desert-level black mages charge? where's MY Princess Peach? it better not just be Toad in a dress.
Jen R: two empaths found each other finally...
me: I GOT MY JEN BACK!!!
Jen: i'm here with one look.
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