THE ART OF NOT GETTING SICK: THE ONLY TIME I CARED WAS WHEN I WAS WITH YOU

 

me: how long before this damn pain goes away?!!!

Jen R: let's see, 2 Vanquish pills, that's 4-6 hours...

Jen R: did you notice when you called me on the old telephone and i greeted you with my warm goofy Muppet "hello"?

me: i was SO scared. trembling. sweating from my teeth. i hadn't been in your presence for a year, i had no idea what state you were in. i was gonna hang up and be a chicken as usual, as i've been my whole life. pretending it was ENOUGH to leave you a voicemail or an '80s answering-machine message.

Jen: right, so that I'D take the initiative and call YOU. that was never gonna happen. did you notice that all those things you refracted upon me were in your head? none of that stuff happened. that was YOUR reality. i hadn't thought about you in 5 months, i had lightly moved on. all your handwringing about "leaving nothing unsaid" that would somehow result in me starting things up again, me responding, me doing the work, me contacting you, was a fantasy.

me: i can't believe you just moved on!!! you just moved on without me. like i never existed. like i never affected you in any way.

Jen: it's called life, bud. it's called not expecting anything out of life. i have a daughter and a dog. you have nothing.

Bud Cort the Dog: i am one swell mini-Golden-Retriever dog.

McRib: riblet.

Starman.

Karen Allen: my mother always said a hot bath can fix everything---a broken heart, a bad back, an FM-84.

Hiawatha: Cowboys and Indians just ain't a thing anymore...

Starman: you got a distraction so i can pull a fast one on the cops?

Southern stranger samaritan: yeah i got a vending machine in my motel room.

Starman: shit, Jenny not responding, and i called her by her last name, too...

Stevie Nicks: the first Tiny House...

Starman: here, take this maltball. i never kissed in a moving prefab house.

Coco's Bakery: remember when diners had gift shops?

Jen R: the pies AND the decals were under glass...

Maila Nurmi: that trucker stole my car!!!

Joe Isuzu: remember that Bronco bucking-horse tire-cover on the back of a jeep?

Karen: i WON'T teach you goodbye so we never have to part. i'm gonna be your planet queen!!!

'70s Hiawatha: my wigwam papoose shall be named Kotter.

wet clothes: makes for a maudlin love story.

Ollie Wride: wait this is my "Back to Life" music-video set...

Karen Allen: you want to fuck my little butt.

Starman: yes but remember, it has to be PG sex...

Starman: you want baby i put in you?

Karen, crying: yes. without a family of your own, Earth life is meaningless. i told you trains were romantic!!!

humans: intelligent savages.

Charles Martin Smith: alien mouth-kiss, all those years at Cornell were worth it for that kiss i got right there.

Starman: why are the M*A*S*H helicopters firing on civilians?...

space baby: it's a tiny Death Star!!!

John Carpenter: the ending is uplifting, all three meanings...

synclavier: for sad music.

Karen Allen: America fell in love with my gentle softness and dewy eyes.

Mariska Hargitay: it's just.........Nelson Sardelli, Nelson from The Simpsons is a bully, i'm a cop, bullies cause all crime. Sardelli is obviously a mob-family name. Richard Belzer once told me my pussy smelled like sardines. i wish my true father's name had been Milhouse. imagine Milhouse with muscles...

Jen R: where are you instead of the pain?

me: can you give me a nice shiatsu with BenGay?

Jen: but of course. Billy Corgan is like our adopted child, we're his two parents who celebrate his wins however small.

me: i'm at the Cheers bar, everyone here is saying goodbye to Norm one last time as we shout in chorus unison: NORM!!!

Hillary Clinton: oh how i wish...

me: i'm one of the nameless bar patrons in the corner.

Jen: that's your favorite spot, that's where you live, your perfect perch.

me: please say you'll accompany me at the bar, that you'll sit next to me at the counter.

Jen: oh fine, i could do with an Aperol in the afternoon.

me: and i'm drinking Vaporwave-Flavor Ocean Soda...

dad drinking water: Norm was my favorite character on Cheers, he was the Boston me, stocky Princeton man...

Angela from My So-Called Life: you have to let the thing go, man!!! you have to let the thing go for it to be cherished as a thing of the past. you can't keep going back to the well, Gumball must die!!!

Greykid the cat: i'm gonna heal Joe Biden...

eggcellent: but there's no egg in the dish!!!

Lister from Red Dwarf: i popularized vindaloo. nobody on the Berkeley campus had any idea what vindaloo was till i came round...

Chris Barrie: did you see what i had to do there? i had to act AS Arnold Rimmer IMITATING Ace Rimmer, that was hard.

Bill Maher: sorry, guys, i was smoking Republican weed. 

Woody Harrelson: sorry, Bill.

Denzel Washington at Cannes: i got into it with the cameraman, we were arguing over the best recipe for French Spaghetti...

Publix: because unlike Safeway, we still cook our chickens.

hit the springs: go to Palm Springs...

Pagan at an MLB baseball park: pay the man...

the California Angels: we're trying to appeal to our better angels but nobody wants to play for us...

Jen R: there's some new water technology you want to show me?

me: shower jacket. i call it the shower jacket. it's a jacket that's a shower, you have hot running water hitting your neck vein at all times, really helps with my back.

Jen: you have to take 7 Trainspotting baths a day...