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Hulces: it's hard to feel inspired when your body is hard. hard from pain.
Falkor: it's hard to feel free when you can't fly. let me share with you wisdom i gleaned from my good friend Karl Malden right before i ate him.
Karl Malden: i can tell it.
Boc: my favorite part of exercising is the rest day.
Tai: you see how Falkor is stretching his back, Hulces? you can do that with your own body to negate the pain.
Hulces: no, ma'am, the pain has synthesized into my skin, it's a part of me now.
Falkor: i triangle my arms with my feet to form a cage. easy for me. that stretches my fucking back.
Boc: walking helps with the back.
Jane Fonda: do a scissor-kick in my style.
Kochanski: put your pillow in the fridge!!!
Brian from Family Guy: Salonpas? lidocaine? hell no. DOAN'S!!! Doan's, man, Doan's.
wooden plank: sleep on me like my favorite Ed...
Velcro back brace: take it back to the '80s!!!
massage pulse: 7 showers, 7 ice packs, 7 walks a day...
Rory McIlroy: just goes to show, you can have what you want. but can you wait 11 more years from this point?...
Tai: like Rambo, on the balls of your back...
Trunks: i got a lady butt...
Jillian Clare at Columbia Law: it is so satisfying as a liberal lawyer that instead of going on TV and yelling at the top of my lungs, i resist the Trump worldview by quietly winning a case against him in court...
Lister from Red Dwarf: ironically, i don't use Listerine...
midlife: after a mid life...
Gatorade: winning in sports shouldn't be about what you drink, that's cheating...
Federer: you should be able to win Wimbledon after drinking mud.
Trinity the cat: i can tell just by looking at you if you're crazy or not...
Prince William: i play ice hockey for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Leafs, not Leaves, the British way...
Jen R: and you both chase your Kochanskis through hyperlink space...
Isuzu Begin: do you need a parcel delivered to an '80s anime?...
Kochanski: i'm back with Tim. you know, the guy on Chef!...
Craig Charles: my whole life is just going to the next fucking Red Dwarf convention in the next city. i wanted to be known for my dangerous Robin-Williams-style stand-up...
Chris Barrie: i should have left after Season 1. when they had that ridiculous balloon H on my forehead...
husband to wife: you can't have friends, that's what marriage is...
Pope Bob: thanks for the tennis racquet, Jannik. do i need to cleanse your sins, sinner?
Jannik Sinner: fine, i took the dope, pope. it was dope on a rope, man, in the shower. but i only took the steroid stick TWICE, Father.
Dirg: would it be in poor taste if i looked at the butt of a woman who's on crutches?...
Jen R on May 15: write your feelings, don't just feel them.
Lindy Lenz's daughter: the best friends i ever made were in the bathroom of a New Kids On The Block concert.
Kurt Cobain: the final episode of Sailor Moon R REALLY affected me a month before...
Kurt Cobain: wish i had stuck around for Donna Summer singing on Family Matters. TGIF was my comfort zone. TGIF was my soul hole.
Karl Malden: buck up, Hulces. my mother took one look at me in a smoky nursery cot in the big white empty cavernous Inglewood hospital burning on a hill and told me i had a face to be a character actor.
Hulces: that's Depression stuff, boss. big 1930s Los Angeles stuff. i need advice on how to be a millennial macho.
Karl: my mother told me i had to be a Broadway song-and-dance man. i couldn't do that, the neighborhood street kids would make fun of me by the soda-jerk. but i looked at myself in the mirror one day, the long mirror behind the closet, and i made myself laugh. i told myself that Fatty Arbuckle joke you can't say on television. from that moment on i had hope that i'd get laid even with this face.
Falkor: which is my food's roundabout way of saying...
Karl Malden: eat the cookie.
Karl hands Hulces a cookie made of the Maldon salt. Hulces has to admit after taking a small nibble that the cookie is making him healthier.
Karl: it's a sour cookie. it's a cookie that tastes sour.
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