THE ART OF NOT GETTING SICK: REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME WHEN IT ALL FELL INTO PLACE?

 

when you're sick, you're in a haze. a cage of pain. a cage of constriction. you're doubled-over in constrictive pain. soon all you remember is the fog. being in this fog. the fog is ever-present and NOW, surrounding you without mercy. and you can't escape it, you FEEL THE PAIN AT ALL TIMES whether you want to or not. vibrating, shimmering. this is me now, soaked, naked, with hairy toes, sprawled on the cold tile of my bathroom floor, the faintest faint stirrings of Nine Inch Nails "Leaving Hope" seeping through the besotted mildewed cracks in the tile. i look up, that's all i can do, look up to see all those black spots on the ceiling, and i think about that girl from Clueless who died of mold, Brittany Murphy.

Jen R as George Harrison "The Long and Winding Road" faints from the tile: your prayers and daily devotions and getting to your spot on your walks were all meaningless.

me: this is NOT how the Vanquish should work!!! the Vanquish got confused, it was supposed to heal my headache, but it's attacking the THROBBING of my stomach flu in an unrelenting way!!! how do you turn this thing off?!!!

Jen: don't try to trauma-dump on me, you'll never win, i've been at this pain game longer!!!

me: it's not trauma-dumping, you're literally the only person i talk to!!! my SOLE SOUL!!! i have to tell you everything because there's no one else!!! only you can prove i exist!!!

Jen: that thought can wait.

me: no it can't, it hurts.

Hermann Hesse: that thought can wait, unless you're fasting. it only counts if you fast sex...

Rory McIlroy: i wear my Green Jacket to Olive Garden...

Starman.

Trent Reznor: "Closer" should be the song representing Earth on the Voyager Golden Record.

John Carpenter: can we go back to when Earth was placid and the United Nations was our vanguard?

Karen Allen: it's the same '70s home-movies reel room as Family Ties, WarGames, and Out of This World...

Jen R: may this never be me alone with wine...

Charles Martin Smith: i'm the guy from 2010: A Space Odyssey, i already know the space-aliens truth!!!

Michael Jordan: the Washington Bullets capped my career...

Karen Allen: me in my Jamie Lee Curtis panties...

Jeff Bridges: do not be alarmed, i'm the baby in the "Teardrop" Massive Attack video. i don't sound like the girl robot on Small Wonder...

Karen Allen: all single women in the '80s were packing. we strapped. and i'm not talking about bras. this gun means i'm a Washington Bullets fan...

Starman: the Our Father prayer originated on Venus.

Vangelis: that Vaporwave ball BUZZ. 

Yanni with Vangelis goatee: oft-imitated, perfected in the '80s, the decade AFTER pinball...

lugwrench: my accent is Trucker.

Alan Watts: my voice on the Golden Voyager Record soothes aliens...

Jen R: oh that was the funnest '80s thing to do, pull down on that box in the bathroom for spotty BROWN paper towels.

dead deer: because humans are dumb. 

Starman: it's just i REALLY hate venison.

love: you care for someone until they become part of you. it hurts. it hurts your chest when they're away, death is secondary.

Starman: my first spit was a Primus loogie.

Holiday Inn in the '80s: when Star Trek conventions were still cool...

Karen Allen: we don't like college basketball.

Jeff Bridges: yeah neither of us like college hoop.

me: i got an outstanding warrant.

Jen R: no they just REALLY want you to pay the bill.

Jen: my home state of Maryjen. capital Annapolis, not Baltimore.

me: i dread the summer.

Jen: summer starts for you when your shows are over. there's nothing on. there's nothing new on. you have nothing to do. what you dread is BOREDOM.

Rory McIlroy: my name is kind of a palindrome, just call me Roy Roy from now on...

mirror slide: no Fleetwood Mac music as you slide alone. you're the only person at the park. you wore shorts at the wrong time, your legs are gonna be fucked all bright hot summer...

Jaylen Brown of the Celtics: losing to the Knicks feels like death. but i was taught there's life after death...

Pope Leo wearing a Knicks In Six shirt: hey you wanna join me?

Bleach: Thousand-Year Blood War: enemy?

Ichigo: no, anime...

Kelly Greenshield: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn Junior...

Dan Harmon: since when is Rick + Morty a SUMMER SHOW?!!!...

4 Non Blondes: why is the song "What's Up" instead of "What's Going On"? 

Marvin Gaye: you were paying deference to my song "What's Going On." it was in reverence to Marvin Gaye. how's pops?

me: what happened to us?

Jen R: us?

me: no, me and Vanquish. we were such a colossal couple. a tight-knit two-man family. why is it not working on-contact anymore? why is it not working anymore?

Jen: you gotta let pills breathe. yeah it probably wasn't a good idea to take 2 Vanquish for your back pain. the pills went around to your stomach instead. it just makes it worse. it ACCENTUATES the pain in your backbone. all those fucking niggles. best to toss the pills in the wastepaper basket and yoga.

i'm writhing in pain at the bottom of my tub half-filled with hot water.

Jen R: there's a name for a bath like this, especially when it's taken at 2 AM. want me to draw? you're beginning to beg.

me: i want my back submerged, i want the affected area WET. heal with hot. RocketShip?

Jen: we all want to leave Earth.

me: no, Lipton iced-tea powder mixed with Newman's Own lemonade. one scoop each. powershot. 

Jen: think a nice thought to distract you from the traction.

me: nice won't cut it.

Jen: yeah you're right, two people can't just be nice for it to work, they have to have some hobby in common to talk about. think of ANYTHING ELSE but the pain.

me: when that Japanese woman's voice starts singing that haunting song in the middle of every anime movie, i slowly start crying buckets.