THE POPE'S BLACK SHOES: THE CRYING ROOM

Pope Bob is interviewing altarboys for the job.

Pope Bob wearing a Knicks In The Mix shirt: and what would you say are your qualifications?

altarboy: i stare at my phone a lot.

Pope Bob: and what do you and your sheep-shagger friends do around the neighborhood when you're not altarboying?

altarboy: i'm Welsh, sir, that hurt. i take my DJ-ing very seriously. 

at the altar.

Jen R: it's early but there's coffee.

Pope Bob: do you know why those French monks invented tennis? they were bored out of their gourds in that fucking monastery!!! they needed a distraction in the WORST, man. a game to give their lives fleeting meaning. 

Jen: you'd think they'd be drunk off their gourds on that good French wine as they devised tennis, tennis seems the sort of sport you create while drunk.

Pope Bob: French wine, why can't the Roman Mass use French wine? why must we use that Stanley Tucci pee?

Jen: is this my Confession?

Pope Bob: sure, out in the open.

Jen: i got Redken in my half-fro hair as i strolled Fifth Avenue before stopping to shop at Macy's. the conditioner never came out, it made my head permanently sticky.

Pope Bob: use leave-in conditioner and fuhgeddaboudit.

interrobang: when the question mark and exclamation point fuck.

After Dark, My Sweet.

Bruce Dern: i look like a homeless man but i'm really a superb actor...

Collie: i'm crazy, but i was a boxer, so i have a nice body...

Fay: WHAT THE HELL IS HE TALKING ABOUT?!!!.........sorry, that was a poor linereading, i'm not into this, i thought this was gonna be the good live-action of Cowboy Bebop...

neo-noir: can't happen today, there will never be the conditions to make it the 1930s again...

Uncle Bud: look at my shirt, Kid. in one hour i can have our getaway car turned into Optimus Prime.

boy: you're like WAY prettier than my mom.

Collie eating out a tin pail: that wasn't shrimp, that was soap!!!

Fay: down the lane is Sesame Street. not for couples.

me: i could take real good care of you.

Jen R: we are Collie and Fay on a good and bad day.

Montezuma: let loose, revenge is meant to be sloshy.

boy: holy shit i got Tim Burton Disease!!! look at my face, i'm too young to be goth!!!

Uncle Bud: insulin? but RFK Jr..

medicine cabinet: we got everything, we got insulin, we got covid, we got something that makes you enjoy Coachella.

Fay: that's not insulin, you're feeding the kid a spoonful of C&H sugar.

Mary Poppins: ...

Cecily Strong: if you put sugar on Triscuits, it becomes Shredded Wheat.

sweatshop seamstress: i don't have a lazy eye, i'm just tired...

dad: it's the Van Nuys Public Library!!!

parking-lot cop: wow, it's not often you see a murder being committed right in front of your eyes like that. 

Collie: it's weird tho because that cop looks like the Joker without makeup.

Fay: i wish Heath Ledger were here instead of you...

me: is there anything i can do for you that you can't do for yourself?

Jen R: that's why we have boyfriends, right?

Fay: fake Australian accent, i'm really from Africa.

dad: we had a timeshare in Indio...

Fay: no sex scene. sorry. just my jeans butt. there was a sex scene on the VHS box of this movie tho...

Fay: oh and Uncle Bud was my husband who wasn't dead...

Jen: INSTANT FAMILY solves all problems!!!

Gemma Stafford: i may be a 4th-rung celebrity, but my Gummiberry-Juice Muffins will make you lose a day. some of us are too young to have soggy bottom.

Scripps National Spelling Bee: Afsluitdijk.

Afsluitdijk: that old B&W newsreel of all the mud being craned was Ingmar Bergman's first experimental film.

NBA: what if we decided to just not play the next game...

Max Kellerman: Anderson Cooper and i had the same dead brother...

John Waters: isn't it about time i do the Three's Company movie?

Mr. Roper: you just had your water shut off.

John Waters: Jon Hamm as Jack Tripper, Shelley Duvall as Janet, Michelle Pfeiffer as Chrissy who becomes a doctor.

Mrs. Roper: i run off with Mr. Furley.

Larry: i become a priest. the priest who officiates the Jack/Vicky wedding.

college: a strange hybrid of school and vacation.

headphones: earphones.

Memorial Day: when you play table tennis with your mom for the first time.

Tom Cruise at the French Open: you're the French Bulldog?

Rafael Nadal: yes.

Tom Cruise: don't fart on me, man. come on.

Hugh Grant: my ass had hemorrhoids. but the nice couple next to me was so understanding, they were from Europe...

merchandiser: at the arcade.

Suzy Lu: i'm gonna have a Chinese.

Kakashi: but i thought we were married.

Steejo: she has two husbands...

Holly Earl: damn, i missed being on Skins!!!

"Go New York Go New York Go": sung by Bebop and Rocksteady of TMNT...

Pope Bob: altar girl?

Jen R: i'm cooler than that. i'm cooler than all that. i'm cooler than religion. you can't change me. have you finally tried Chicago Deep Dish?

Pope Bob: but what is pizza? as a kid growing up in the neighborhood i ate 3 meatballs a day, that's it. my mother called it "ascetic" but i knew it was "fasting." my first diet.

Jen: not looking too good for our Knicks.

Pope Bob: we need all hands on deck for the next game at MSG!!! Spike Lee, Timothee Chalamet, John McEnroe, Jerry Seinfeld!!!

Larry David: i always get left out.

Jack Nicholson: hell even I'LL come cross-country. the last time i was at Madison Square Garden i was sitting next to a healthy-looking woman...

Pope Bob: pizza with sardines, that's a thing, right? spaghetti with breadcrumbs, breadcrumbs instead of Parmesan cheese, i invented that, i created that, don't say i do nothing for you, Italy. don't say i do nuttin!!! i still got my nuts under this robe.