MALDON SALT: SALT CAN HEAL

 

at the seaside village in Britain, Hulces is determining whether he stays at this quaint towne a week or a lifetime.

Hulces: my whole body is fucking hurting. my body kills me inside and out.

luckily Hulces is not alone. his friend Falkor from The NeverEnding Story walks alongside him on the seaside sidewalk.

Falkor: pain is temporary. unless you die.

Hulces: hey how are you walking right now? you have legs?

Falkor: magic.

Hulces: i've just never been much of a caramel guy, you know? caramel is not my thing.

Falkor: maybe don't live here then, that is what this place is known for. its famous sticky toffee pudding.

Hulces: i mean you need a root canal everytime you eat one of those things.

Falkor: the special salt mined from these white war cliffs here have made their cakes the envy of the world. maybe if you got a little fatter you'd ache less.

Hulces: you're right about this town tho, the people are weird.

Falkor: denizens lie dormant. hey you have a Hulk Hogan poster on your bedroom wall?

Hulces: i'm old-skool, '80s WWF when wrestling was real. i got a Junkyard Dog poster on my bedroom wall, how about that? man NOBODY has Junkyard Dog.

Falkor: the people here aren't so bad. if they are i can fly off to another town, you're stuck.

David Souter: i'm an elf, you need to a magical being nowadays to help liberal causes.

Willow: by winning liberal cases.

Sabu: do you have MY poster? i'm just the end-dude in that Renegade '80s NES game that no one finished. if someone fed me fish i would have finished...

Madonna: watch After Dark, My Sweet.

Roger Ebert: yeah. it's noir but like Zalman King noir, you know? it only works if you watch it with the Madonna song "Crazy For You" in the background...

Linda Fiorentino: i picked the wrong noir!!!

Roger Ebert: Zalman King taught me how to fuck.

nutation: it's not that...

Albert Einstein: ...

Rebel Without a Cause.

James Dean: that drive-in-theatre caramel-popcorn lettering.

Hulces: come on, man, i know i look like Tommy Wiseau but i'm actually Mexican...

James: Michael Jackson stole the red jacket from me.

Jen R: i don't know but isn't this iconic film better in Black & White?...

Plato: i like cats, okay? no copper's gonna school me on the Cave of Shadows. my face is the cave of light. want me to karate you like Ralph Macchio?

James: YOU'RE TEARING ME APART!!!!!!

James's mom: what?

James: i can't deliver that line in quite that same way again.

James: how does a boy survive in this circus?

police: son, you got a car? leave home at the age of 11, just drive off...

Jen R: no way!!! you could ride your scooter inside on the waxed halls of your high school in the '50s?!!! 

Natalie Wood: if i'm flag girl each morning do i get a kiss from Dawson from Dawson's Creek?

Griffith Observatory: it was only supposed to be a planetarium, it was never meant to be in movies...

James: is this the line for the Disneyland ride?...

Sal Mineo: you're cute.

James Dean: why do you have a photo of a man in your locker?

Sal: because unlike you, i like my father. 

space teacher: i'm trying to get In-N-Out Burger teenagers to appreciate the constellations. PAY ATTENTION to me long enough to realize this: life on Earth is meaningless. thus, your rebelness is justified...

James: no knives. i only karate you with moves i learn from Plato.

Natalie Wood: i'm kind of a bitch in this.

James: dad, stop wearing an apron and i PROMISE you i'll become a priest.

Natalie Wood: no kisses from dad after i turn 16?

Natalie's dad: not when you're THIS hot!!!

James's dad: i'm a very nice man when i'm not rich...

James's mom: Jim Backus my backside.

James's dad: Jimbo, why didn't you wash off the blood?

James: i LITERALLY don't have ten years...

Buzz: no Tokyo Drifting, okay?

Master Roshi getting eaten out: you gotta do something? no you don't.

James: i know this is fresh, but Buzz just took a swan dive, so you wanna get a coffee with two straws sometime?

Jen R: remember when men still wore pajamas?

James: milk bottle, not a bong.

Tennis on TNT: we're bringing back HBO Tennis!!! sorry, Jim, our host stable is full.

Jim Lampley: boxing is such a savage sport...

college senior year: you never make it to this year...

Pope Bob: Mrs. Talbot gave my brother that organ in his living room. in exchange i'm letting Mrs. Talbot in on a little secret: the Sistine Chapel is a hologram.

Mrs. Talbot: silent running? i wasted 100 years of my life!!!...

Spock: beam up and bean up are two different things.

Bones: Vulcans vomit?

Spock: i upchucked in your shirtpocket, doctor.

Suzy Lu: i'm your anime teacher, don't be absent on movie days, class...

Pope Bob: Ferris Bueller was my altarboy...

Pope Bob: i'm Bill Murray who became a priest after Laraine Newman dumped him...

writing pad: it is ridiculous that you have to BUY a writing pad...

Alejandro at Arroyo Carmel: that's wealth, brother, when you take the bus when you live a block away...

Albert Einstein at yoga: box breathing? but there's no such thing as a box...

Spy Hunter: wasn't there an '80s anime of this?...

M'gladbach: where Scrooge McDuck is TRULY from.

Brother Peewit: ...

Mabel Normand: why did every woman who lived in 1910 die early at her mother's one-room wood house on stilts next door on the sandlot while her husband was away at the circus balancing on a clothesline?

Lorne Michaels: SNL Father's Day sketch: Alec Baldwin plays my father, then the audience will know why i ran away from home.

Aline Crumb: is Bob still alive?...

Steve Martin: i look like everyone's uncle.

Martin Short: i could have been bigger were it not for a bastard by the name of Robin Williams...

Cecily Strong: i go for circus strongmen.

Trump: damn.

Cecily Strong: i can't resist that circus-strongman mustache.

Instagram: your friends are whoever's around...

Susanna Hoffs: when The Bangles became The Bitches i needed a way out. i escaped into the easy breezy dreampoppy sounds of my side-hustle The Sundays...

BombPoppie: after you die, death metal becomes boring. i prefer dream pop, dreampoppy is where i am now...

chocolate lava: it's just melted chocolate...

Burning Man: it's not The Wicker Man.

a naked Jen R: ...

Rick Steves in The Simpsons: do i really sound like a Muppet?

Lisa Simpson: in real life yes.

Falkor: i'll help you, bud. i got you.

Hulces: do you feel any pain?

Falkor: only in the nostrils. 

Falkor sucks all the seawater out of a nearby cove.

Falkor: that stings.

Falkor: i'm scraping all the Maldon salt from these cookies that give the cookies here their signature sweet syrupy layered flavor. 

Hulces: yeah, caramely sucks. doesn't that ruin your teeth?

Falkor: when my teeth fall out they don't grow back. that's okay tho, i swallow my food whole. you can use my teeth instead of going through the painful process of a root canal.

Hulces: one Falkor tooth fits my whole mouth. but i can't bite down.

Falkor: like a dog. 

Falkor takes all the little pebbles of leftover Maldon salt and fills the dirt cove to the brim until it forms a salt bath.

Falkor: full-body massage up to your neck, budinski!!! how did you feel now, belter?

Hulces: snug. now i know how eggs feel.