OLACH IN ORLEANS: PARTY PIECE

 

after much wandering, Olach finds himself in New Orleans. he stops because he needs lunch.

Olach: hey do you know what a beignet is?

Dan Fielding: you look old, that's what worries me. go THERE, pal, it was my friend Harry's uh the judge's uh MY bar, it's my tippling house in The French Quarter.

Olach: i need a girl break. the world is gonna drown so i might as well drown in love. 

the first thing Olach's weary eyes train on when he gets past the swinging saloon doors and the vents and the events is a dashing WOMAN in brothel creepers dancing to a Peter Murphy dirge alone in the corner.  

Olach: i followed you because i thought you were the North Star, turns out it was your olo eyes.

Julie Patzwald: now THAT is a line, mister. lucky for you you've been traveling so hard you don't know if it's night or day. let it always be the night.

Olach: you know me so well.

Julie: we're soulmates, brothers in black.

Olach: i wear all-white all the time wherever i go. wearing all-white is never a good idea, after Labor Day or not.

Julie: never wear white after giving birth.

Olach: i'm looking for a distraction because the world is ending soon.

Julie: that's what i've been saying!!! nobody listens to freaks like us.

Olach: did you want to be Cheetara from ThunderCats when you were a girl?

Julie: the shoes? the coffin kicks? they're my mother's brothel creepers from her funeral.

Olach: cos i did.

Julie: sorry for the downer music, the jukebox only accepts Canadian coins. 

Olach: what was that dance you were doing over there by yourself?

Julie: The Billy Idol. 

Olach: dancing barefoot, that's a song, too, right?...

Esmeraude from Sailor Moon: you can watch me bathing at LUSH. 

Madame Pons: FREE GREEN SOAP!!!

Spies Like Us.

Bruce Davison: for the last time, i'm not the judge on Night Court...

USSR: not Heineken...

Ace Tomato Co.: another front for 1984's Big Brother.

spy head: just saw off your arm and leave the case.

Jen R: stealth bomber, the badass of the '80s, STILL the coolest black triangular jet, so Darkwing Duck.

Jen R: the Pentagon is carpeted like the Sherman Oaks Galleria in the '80s.

Dan Aykroyd: i shall NOT clear my desk, this McDonald's clamshell will be a collector's item one day...

The Disney Channel: cable was MAGIC in the '80s...

Chevy Chase: i'm driving through a tunnel so presser over. the $1000 in my wallet may already be gone.........spy stuff. 

Dan: KGB stands for Kan't Groove Back.

Naruto: okay i never thought this movie would have ninjas.

black general: this movie sucks. where's the Mortal Kombat movie?

Old El Paso: we discontinued our tortilla chips...

Putin: all Americans wear tennis sweaters around their shoulders. 

Hadley: i'm Alan Alda as a British wartime doctor...

Donna Dixon: doctor.

Dan: HANDS OFF, CHEVY!!! that's my future wife...

Donna Dixon: as an '80s woman, i happily give up my tits for the team...

Chevy: i shall perform the surgery with my feet.

Bob Hope: Golden Girls forgot to pay me. i beat Jack Nicklaus on the Back 9 of Augusta at The Masters but it was a Tuesday...

books: old YouTube how-to videos...

shave the patient: stole The Nanny joke...

John Milius: look at these Red Dawn rejects!!!

John Belushi: two Pepsi, two cheeseburger, two chips.

pepperoni sauce: no.

Suzy Lu: don't you love all my Scottish colloquialisms? getting wide doesn't mean i'm fat...

Matthew Tkachuk: i'm crazy. not competitive, just crazy...

me: it's a pipe dream. me a mama's boy. across countries over Instagram. no job. you a cleaning celebrity. well you're on the Canadian version of the Today Show anyway. that's why it's fascinating. that's why it's enticing.

Melissa Maker: did you have to bring up the Black Mirror thing during the Christmas photo with Chad?

me: sorry for the bad luck. i DM unsolicited reviews of TV shows to people on Instagram instead of having a job. 

Melissa Maker: may i never stop playing on Instagram...

Julio Enciso: from Encino.

Rebecca Lowe: one of the smallest tunnels in the Premier League.........if you know what i mean...

Goodbye Goodison...

Jonny Greenwood: i toss my hair before each song. you can only do that if you have '90s Trent Reznor hair.

Ruth Buzzi: i was a cheerleader...

Ruth Buzzi: hey, want some Raisin Bran?

Jill Sobule: there is something nice and sweet, there is someone good to eat, i kissed a girl...

Uncle Sigh the horse: the track is chocolate pudding...

Rimmer: the holo-whip is sexy only to me...

flat battery: thin coin-shaped battery from Walmart.........that works...

Mike Tirico at The Kentucky Derby: not a stroke. nut allergy.........don't laugh. please don't laugh. it hurts my garbled mouth when i laugh...

Scarlett Johansson: don't use my name anymore. call me Metal Wife from now on. when i host the SNL 50th finale, there has got to be a two-hander sketch with just Jost and me discussing our marriage...

Quinta Brunson: the woman you call on the phone-sex line who ends being your friend...

Veruca Salt: our music is about us, warts and all...

Richard Gere: so obviously i should play the lead in the Breakfast at Tiffany's reboot...

Julie Patzwald: so what are you doing here? to what godless stars do i thank?

Olach: oh i'm just here for the Michael Longfellow convention like everyone else.

Julie: right right. i like his serial-killer energy. 

Olach: when i FINALLY got up to him after waiting in line for 8 hours i just let him know that everytime i see him eating that slice of NYC pizza in the SNL opening credits at 11:30 at night i get SO hungry for pizza.

the two end the night at the coin-to-cash.

Olach: let me just try something here. i have so many loose coins from all my travels, all the countries i went to all over the world. and nobody wanted to listen about climate change. they were more interested in AI fidget spinners.

Julie: those are travels, not adventures. it's lonely being right. but i'm here for you. 

the machine spits out a Canadian quarter. the one with the lady in the flowing gown and the railroad made of maplewood on the reverse face. 

Olach: oh shit i forgot i had that coin!!!

Julie: THAT'S A SIGN!!! you are MEANT to marry Melissa Maker after that painful convoluted divorce!!!