THE POPE'S BLACK SHOES: SUPPORT

 

Pope Bob in a Knicks In 7 shirt: you like women with big socks?

altarboy: i mean...

Pope Bob: i wish i had some big socks on my back right now, my back is absolutely fucking KILLING me at the moment. is there anything i can do to make this interview process run smoother?

altarboy: stop believing in everything all the time, it's too much. sir i have constipation.

Pope Bob: call a plumber.

Pope Bob: what's the best way to get to know you guys?

altarboy: not that. ask us about our dreams.

Pope Bob: very well then. go.

altarboy: well i do have this recurring dream where i'm a contestant on Family Feud but both families are goth. even Richard Dawson, he kisses with black lipstick.

Pope Bob: now THAT's the stuff. that's Old Testament vision stuff. 

altarboy: it goes deeper tho. i'm there but that isn't my real family...

eclaircissement: when the First Lady of France grabs Macron's goatee so hard it looks like plane boxing.

Matthew Sweet: sick of myself, because i'm sickly sweet...

Netflix secret codes: what's the secret code so i DON'T have to watch any more Harry Potter content?...

Terry Bradshaw: chew on bark. chew on some bark, champ, and let me know what it takes like. i bet it tastes like my ass.

Aaron Rodgers: i actually don't know, my teeth are veneers.

Terry Bradshaw: what do the forest gods sound like? like little green men?

Aaron Rodgers: the forest gods sound like ten locomotives coming at you all at once in every direction.

Terry: how much mud was in your hut?

Aaron: none, we don't have a bath...

Terry: i'm Terry No Jaw after my playing days, one too many hits... 

Pope Bob: should i get a hard bed or a soft bed for my back? it's an existential question.........and i'm not allowed to read Existentialism.

Jen R: good question. hard bed for the pain, soft bed to relax it away. it's an IcyHot bed.

Pope Bob: i have an IcyHot blanket my grandmother gave me before she became a witch.

Jen: then again, Sartre's bed was a sugar bowl...

Sartre: i farted in the sugar bowl. that made the confectioner's sugar less fun. that's why you should always get cane from Hawaii.

The Elephant House: that first Degrassi episode...

dad: remember when we would talk about how they should only have one day off between NBA playoff games? 

me: yeah. those were special talks.

dad: never two days off, disrupts the flow...

Michael Weiss: people on Instagram are leeches for a reason...

Bjork "Frosti": the Super Mario music!!!

Benson Boone: i flip harder than Livvy Dunne.........i'm Skenes with a whiffleball...

Spencer Wilcox: so Jen R magically appeared on Instagram again after 8 months did she?

me: no that was MY work. yeah. my hard painstaking work piecing together the pieces to her location, calling her on the sidewalk payphone with a quarter and stuff. me. people don't just magically appear on Instagram again!!!

Spencer: wanna eat my Chesapeake hot nut?

me: buddy i'm so happy i'd eat a pair of winged pants from The Gap in Australia...

Instagram: everyone has Thursday off...

you know you're rich when: after you dip out of the pool, you come to a one-man white circular table with a gold Rolex watch and a clear glass of water on the table.

BombPoppie: if your art Instagram suddenly posts a black-&-white photo of you the artist, you're either suddenly famous or suddenly dead.

newspaper article.

interviewer: summer plans?

artist: yeah, dying.

Marilyn Manson: famous for being dead...

Green Day "Hitchin' a Ride": it's Faberge...

Robbie Williams "Angels": my waterfall means something, not like that TLC waterfall, that was a dirty waterfall, that was just about sex. and through it all, she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, she's at my beck and call.

Jules Smith: how do you know life won't break you?

Robbie: i don't. no one does, luv.

'90s sexy thrillers: a movie category of its own, a movie category unto itself.

Sharon Stone in Sliver: it's not a thriller that perfectly combines sex and violence unless it has that 1990s sheen.

Alec Baldwin: malice, me?...

Susan Sarandon in White Palace: i'll never be this hot again!!!...

James Spader: i took this movie because i was hungry and wanted sliders.

SGA of the OKC Thunder: Flobert from Night Court is my father. i'm sorry but we were cooler when we were the Seattle Supersonics, what happened to us?...

Mike White: i'm the first person who went on Survivor and actually went on to do great things. all that Fiji scenery inspired me to write The White Lotus!!!...

SoundCloud: you get ONE CHANCE to hear this song...

Eminem: don't blow your one shot on blow. i don't know how this happened but my mom is more famous than me.

Maradona: documentary film is very important to me, it's vital for democracy.

gochujang cookies: yeah but that doesn't really replace the gochujang spaghetti sauce...

toffee: why the English have bad teeth.

altarboy: come on, tell us. why do you wear the black shoes? they clash with your white robe. the world is waiting. your adoring public wants fashion advice.

Pope Bob: truth be told, it's a lark. one day i got sick of my papal duties, i thought i was done with homework after 6th Grade, and i needed a break. i needed to relax and unwind. i got out of my stiff workboots which were causing me so much pain. i mean the pain was at fucking TEN. the pain was SO bad there were some nights i asked the Good Lord to take me. i prayed for death at the altar. these are like my cool urban street shoes, the shoes i wear to skateboard with the fellas. 

altarboy: on the Italian cobblestone streets?

Pope Bob: you know to knock around a couple lagers with the fellas. the shoes i use to do chores are these black ones. i want to be an ordinary human who takes out the trash. UNFORTUNATELY that required me to lift a HEAVY-AS-FUCK wooden plank that kept the raccoons from rooting through the trash bins and feeding on the tampon blood. yeah THAT was good for my back!!!

altarboy: and then the miracle.

Pope Bob: so i got arch supports from The Good Feet Store in Sand City. god i love Sand City, it reminds me of a Jesus desert, i wanted to bathe in and then drink the water in the Sea of Galilee. you insert it into your shoe, over the tongue, you slip those suckers under your feet in your shoe and Jesus does the rest.

Jesus: on TOP of your feet, too, the tips...

Pope Bob: and ABRACADABRA you're healed!!! see the arch supports weren't good for my feet, they were good for my BACK!!!