Wednesday, March 1, 2017


the Oscars have a surprise ending this year.

the Rock gets up on stage and the entire cathedral to cinema erupts in rancorous applause, like it's getting revenge for the last time. the Rock strikes a handsome figure, he is always showing his heroic profile cos he's embarrassed of his cleft chin. he raises his arms and his ridiculously ripped biceps reverberate with the audience's wave. this campaign was crowdfunded and it shows, uh, it's heard.

Bump is slouched in the front row waiting for the seat-filler to come back from the bathroom.

Bump: what's the big deal? this guy ain't that big. why is everybody clapping loudly? are yous telling me Moana won for Best Picture? ridiculous. next you'll say The Loud House won a TV Emmy.

Viola Davis: haven't checked. have only checked my email. it says i won an Emmy for my Oscar speech. and an urgent message up top from Amazon: the Academy has banned Jimmy Kimmel for life.

Matt Damon: heehee.

Gary from Chicago: sir, if you learn anything from someone like me whom you regard as a crime, learn this: real men cry.

Bump: don't touch me. eh, i was gonna burn that suit anyway, it was ugly. or i'll use a giant bar of white soap. i'm not racist, i'm a germaphobe. that one late-night party with Howie Mandel and Taco Bell really did a number on me back in the '80s. i have to clean each Stones i ingest. it really reduces the power when i have to scrub 'em off like that but it's better to be safe. i'm never sorry. that's why i appear standoffish and weird around groups of people, i say whatever they want to hear to get them away from me.

PWC guy: speaking of crime, i didn't kill anybody. i made a mistake while looking at my phone. my wife needs a security detail now. this is ridiculous. the internet age is bullshit.

Matt Damon: what is a crime is everyone thinking i am you and getting death threats whenever i check my email to see if i've won an Oscar.

Kimmel: heehee.

Warren Beatty: ladies and gentlemen, the real President of the united states, The Rock! and his vice-president Oprah.

The Rock: thank you, america. this is the dawn of a new age. the game has changed. from now on only those with a SAG card are eligible for public office, for the public doesn't know their obscure local congressman anymore. the CW gets better ratings than CSPAN. look how handsome i am. my good looks will bring this sorely-divided nation together again. good looks means good, it has good in the word. i am a cool ethnic dude who sees past skin color and wants to body-slam -isms from the universe. the only good -ism is jism and my cum is plentiful and thick enough to feed the world. i am big cos my love is big. i'm just a big teddy bear you can hug. i will never wear a suit, i will attend all public events bare-chested.

Meryl Streep faints out of her lust for The Rock. or it could be her blood sugar. or she could just be acting.

Bump's bug eyes are big and saucer-shaped as he exclaims, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA??????!!!!!!!"

The Rock gets up on top of the podium and flying-leap jumps into Bump's lap.

Bump: *ooof* like last night. y'know the movie theatre is where all the answers are met. i understood myself for the first time whilst analyzing Citizen Kane in a movie theatre, my private one. Rosebud really fucked me up for life.

The Rock: you were talkin' smack about wanting to smack me upside my large lovable cartoon-character head?

Bump: i never thought ahead. i just assumed i'd win the next round.

The Rock licks Bump's face.

The Rock: you never imagined someone would beat you at your game. unlike you, sir, i am a champion. a champion of, by, and for the people. the people's champ, fuck what you heard. the haters make me stronger, cos i could never be the heel. just increases my goodness. i am a face. i have a beautiful face.

Bump: gorgeous face, like Gorgeous George. i'm gonna swap you for that spit.

The Rock: i'll be back to finish the job after i do the In Memoriam segment.

John McCain comes back and fills his seat.

John McCain: i've been in movies and on tv. i got a SAG card.

Bump: what took you so long, John? you got diarrhea?

John McCain: in a way. i was fucking Sarah Palin in the bathroom. it wasn't time during the campaign. but it was now. here, take my extra Junior Mints, give them to Barron, maybe it'll cheer him up. i've already lost all my teeth.

Bump: good for you, hero. that's what Senators do. don't let these hollywood geminists tell you you can't have a good time. this guy gets my goat thinking he can steal my job. a wrestler in politics? come on. i'll gonna get his goat. i can do anything i want, i'm the President.

John McCain bites Bump's hand with his teeth.

John McCain: you can't kill people. you still can't kill people.

the sadness of all those luminary deaths gets The Rock off his game. he slouches and Bump, ever noticeful of the best opportunity to strike, goes in for the kill, punching The Rock under the jaw looking for glass. nothing.

The Rock: that's where i keep my diamond ring. i'm a family man. and a wrestler. instant credibility with Republicans.

Bump: heehee. you look a lot smaller on tv.

The Rock: i always wanted to do this.

The Rock picks up Bump and pushes him down by his bald head, slowly smashing him like a used soda can ready for recycling into an aluminum disc. but Bump is too big and bulky for that.

Bump: i don't drink soda.

The Rock: a professional ballplayer that is.

he instead curls Bump and smushes him into a round ball. Bump is red in the cheeks from blood loss. The Rock throws him into the ceiling.

The Rock: like Federer at Arthur Ashe stadium. what ballplayer were you thinking?

but Bump just as quickly uncurls, does a pirouette, and lands like a cat on his feet.

The Rock: you're pretty nimble for a big bulky man.

Bump: i learn from the best. Russian gymnastics. those ladies have whips.

Bump cuff-flashes the sleeves of his suit. like the nightclub last night. his hand comes out, small but confident. it forms into a glowing yellow point.

John McCain: nuh-uh. no killing. no finger guns.

Bump raises a sly eyebrow and is ready to murder. but he gets distracted when the Rock does his own signature flexing of his pec and eyebrow-raise at the same time, synchronous. that leaves just enough of an opening for Bernie who's been hanging from the rafters to knock Bump unconscious with a blow to the head from a loaf of stolen French bread that Bernie always carries with him.

Bernie: home run! i've always wanted to do that. my papa said i had the body of a ballplayer.

the stadium turns into the field of the 1927 Yankees.

Bernie: how you like them apples? get a taste of our Murderers' Row.

the Bump ball turns into a tennis ball and the cathedral turns into Arthur Ashe stadium. this is the first ball to fly out of there.

The Rock: first accomplishment. my First 100 Days. good. good.

The Rock slathers on some more yellow suntan lotion on his pec and eyebrow.

Bernie jumps down in a flying leap and fractures his hip.

Bernie: hip!

The Rock: you sure are.

Bernie: *waving his arms like a wild man* check the bag! Bump's bag!

Oprah: it's.....square bath bombs from LUSH! lush. you get one, and you get one, and you get one...

Oprah throws one into Meryl Streep's mouth. it explodes and causes Meryl's words to be even more luxurious.

Oprah: this stuff is essential. oils. and essential for life. like bread. i love bread. the staff of life. but in pieces. like chips. i love chips.

Bump returns in a dramatic entrance, kicking down the doors, sniffing glue, and lumbering back onstage.

Bump: you can't get rid of me. i pay my SAG dues.

The Rock: wait i've got an idea. thinking on my feet Presidential style. here, take this Oscar. The Apprentice wins Best Picture!

Bump: thank you. this is why i did everything. all of it. this is all i ever wanted.


Madchen twirls her finger in the golden bowl by her throne full of little M&M gold Stones pieces.

Musculo: get off your duff and make me dinner!

Madchen: you better have not been addressing me.

Musculo: i'm a coward. all i have are my words.

Madchen: i thought tonight's pad see ew was phenomenal. Ramsay took the credit but Martin Yan cooked it, he can cook.

Musculo: it was pad see EWWWWWWWWW

Madchen: why are all leaders children?

Herlina: just scrolling my instagram, looking at all these pictures of food i can't eat.

Musculo: i look at food, too. i'm tired of cat pics.

Herlina: i've never met a man who didn't use instagram to send dick pics.

Madchen: have some Death Wish Coffee to wash it down then.

Musculo: nice try. stay woke.

Madchen: it's good. it's the world's strongest coffee. you need to be alert for what's ahead.


things have taken a turn for the worse on the battlefield. Carmen's fatigues are soaked in grime. her face is muddy as she tries to see things.

Carmen: i don't remember this blue ozone oasis. or this lake, the water is salty.

Carmen runs over one of the cat's paws in her tank.

the cats: MEOWWWWWWWWW!!! you didn't tell us you had a tank!

Carmen: i am a tank. i am literally a tank. come join me.

the cats: we can't. your legs are conveyor belts.

Carmen: sorry. there. i'm messing with black magic. i hope it works out in the end.

the cats run to lie down in the groove between Carmen's two legs, all comfy-like.

Carmen: i love when you do that. i'm sorry about the leg earlier.

the cats: MEWWWWW. don't squeeze so hard. alright we forgive you.

Carmen: Clifton Beach was my home until the water came.

the cats: that's what makes it a beach.

Carmen: i ate cans of beans in Canley and slept in a barn in Barnau. transmitting data along the way. i hope Starscream stores it all. but i'm so tired...

she shoots a cannonball from her pipe gun, which is her mouth, into the Wandering Wave that ricochets back into the tank and explodes it. the cats jump out before cos they're nimble like that.

Carmen's body is badly fractured.

Carmen: i feel new blood coursing through me. this is new and different. this is forward motion. we're making progress.

soon her mouth is shut. her last spell muted. for she is a skeleton before you know it. and she turns to dust after that.

Carmen walks slowly on a Rainbow Bridge, anticipating her reunion with the cats.

instead she bumps into her brother Patrick. no cats.

Carmen: hug me, brother! longer! kiss me! like you mean it! the cats must have made it. i made this choice. i spoke the words with my mouth.


. let the silence of my death keep my secret from the enemy. can't use any tech nowadays.

Patrick is looking slightly annoyed at this particular reunion.

Patrick: *perturbedly* don't worry, the cats read english as well as they speak it.

the cats find Carmen's army boots amidst a pile of dust and sand and dirt. and her dog tags buried within.

the cats: take a look at this. her dog tags. in the back are inscriptions. looks like new scratches. with her fingernails. she did tell us she hated wasting type, she felt it was like wasting ink, wasting oil. it's a spell! a new spell!

the cats: let's collect her ashes. fill her boots with her. let's go. i'll take the boots, they look good on me.

the cats: do i have to wear these dog tags around my neck? they got yucky dog slobber all over them!


at the desert the geology does not match the geography. atmospheric instability is the order of the day. there are bodies here which shouldn't be here. Codrus arrives here for Musculo's last training session. Codrus breathes out unstable air and drops his huge Monty Python foot splat on the soft sand, landing squarely on a drone. he crushes Harfi to death underneath. Codrus kills Harfi. nobody notices the drone.

Musculo: what an entrance. ready?

Codrus: funny man. humor is always important. cos death is always so sad. does that lake look santorini blue to you? fountain blue? turquoise? i'm planning a dive 'n dig for later.

Musculo: it all looks white to me.

Codrus: not now, before. i mean after. *external sigh* carve out a hole in this frozen lake with your hand which can turn into a saw and squeeze your slim pole body down into the water. get your head wet. shock is good for the soul.


Codrus: you weren't underwater enough. insane, huh? just like war. the blueprints are going swimmingly. soon the sad sphere will be ready. i'm working on it. so many kinks in this world to iron. need a suit. for my hand of fate. ahem, my hand of strength. my hand of power, like the Power Glove. i'll be sure to wear a glove to make it as dramatic as possible. you just make sure to wear your watch, it's the most important armor you will wear. speaking of jewelry, how's the tourmaline i got you?

Musculo: *shivering organs and chattering teeth* really just a cheap knock-off of the Aquamarine.

Codrus: heehee. sorry about that. all the pawn shops are closed this late.


the cats pants their way into the castle.

Madchen: how'd you get here so fast?!

the cats: fear. those dog tags clanking against each other like that as we run, we thought a big scary dutch shepherd dog was chasing us!

the cats: *catching their collective breath* we have a death.

Madchen: how wonderful. it means the timeline has inched. it's off its track. anyone check the Wandering Wave totals? we're still in a drought. i mean i'm glad Carmen isn't suffering anymore, that girl had a LOT of problems.

Herlina: a death in the family. check this out. i know my sister's handwriting anywhere. she wrote a binding spell on the back of her tags. this could be our only hope. she couldn't trust the online world. pencil and paper will always be the best tech. it's magic.

Madchen: it is our last hope. i'm orange out of ideas. good on ya, mate. we loved you.

Herlina: i wish we would have loved her when she was alive. like ScarJo. there's no time. we have to take advantage of this hole. we'll mourn her, well i'll mourn her, after time ends. it'll be one hell of a funeral. can you fashion a curse tablet?

Madchen looks at her pebbles.

Madchen: let me get some glue.


Jules said...

The Rock as President. I like it. And Oprah would be good for the people. #CanYouSmellWhatTheRockIsCooking

Carmen's fingers should be soaked in Grime art. #SkeptaKeptHer #BlackMagic

Why aren’t there cat tags?

The Power Glove #AskOJ *)

the late phoenix said...

mah dahlin The Rock has hinted he wants to be President someday, in real life. that stint as Obama Hulk on SNL sold him. Oprah has already served two terms as President if you go by the Illuminati calendar.

that grime art is scary. it's good to get in a good sweat but there is such a thing as too much sweating. my mom doesn't let me watch the internet after 8.

cats don't wear tags, they wear diamonds

y'know i would be willing to believe it could have been the son but that Bronco chase is just so suspicious...