Monday, March 6, 2017


God and Cthulhu Bless You, Rod Serling

1. which of these are you most guilty of in a relationship? a) jealousy b) not apologizing c) not keeping your word d) guilt trips i need to go on that guilt trip. at least it's a trip. i haven't had a real vacation since i was an 8-year-old boy summering in my parents' hideaway lodge in Indio.

2. which of the following partner behaviors annoys you most? a) fishing for compliments by verbalizing self-doubt b) passive-aggressive behavior c) usually forgets important dates i.e. birthdays/anniversaries d) making you feel guilty when spending time with friends

a) i have a lot of self-doubt but i don't know how to fish
b) my doctor by the docks calls it manic depression
c) but i'm just generally bad with dates
d) sorry, i never had a friend before. i didn't know you could have two friends.

3. looking for a mate, rank these in order of importance, 1 most, 7 least
---sense of humor

funny men get the babes. look at Jerry Seinfeld. George Costanza. Borat. Roger Rabbit. Pete Davidson. Sam Kinison. Steven Wright.................................................Joe Pera

4. score! you exchanged numbers with a hottie. now you (pick one)
a) wait for a week, see if that person calls you first
b) call the next day if not sooner
c) call and text incessantly, let them know you've made an impression
d) you'd never call. what if you get rejected?

i'm not into games. i swear my phone was getting charged that week. i swear my phone was broken that week. i swear my phone was stolen that week. i lost my phone, that was Borat sending you his nudes in your DM.

as an actor, i am used to rejection. the rejection rate at auditions is 95%. there are plenty of other fish in the sea. unfortunately there will only ever be one Sharknado 5.

5. how did you handle your last relation breakup? a) never been in a relationship, timing was never right b) went out and got drunk every night till you forgot everything c) went on a massive amount of dates, even with people you knew had no interest, making sure to date a new face every night d) you felt bad and cried but bounced back in a couple of days

a) it's all time's fault. never enough of it. always too much of it. and it doesn't exist.
b) you may forget everything but Jesus knows.
c) that's called Tinder and it's gross. thanks, Family Guy.
d) it's good for men to cry. i'm too skinny to be a bouncer.

BONUS: would you take a holiday all by yourself spur of the moment? why or why not? where would you go? 




Jules said...

I’ve been on many guilt trips, my sweet. It’s not very sunny there and it’s a pleasure to return.

You can’t have two friends. That’s like fishing for compliments. One of them will be passive and one will be aggressive and then the jealousy will start. Stick to one.

Bonus: Absolutely. I’d go to the Cinnabon shop in America. *)

the late phoenix said...

there's innocence and then there's Indio innocence.

and when they fight on the docks it's not a pretty sight. those stevedores have filthy mouths.

that bonus question was tailor-made for you my sweet. you are the queen of travel and i am your loyal cabana boy.

love you *)

Jenny Baranick said...

You only said you don't know how to fish because you want me to tell you that you're an excellent angler.

the late phoenix said...

jenny: i can't win. i'm not trying to angle you. i tried fishing once and caught a Land Shark. the Plenty of Fish dating app rejected me cos they said they had enough people.