Madchen on her knees on top of her office desk rifles through the odds and ends and broken pieces of pebble and Stones with halflives dribbling the last of its golden power juice in her upturned sorting hat with a tear in the point.
Madchen: *glumly* i always pictured the Stones bigger. we would destroy the universe to uncover its secrets.
she picks out a few of the larger chunks, removes her bearskin rug, and places the bits on the floor, which is irradiating solemnly rather than vigorously.
Madchen: *eyes closed and pouring out sweat* i feel it in my bones which have turnt to dust. this really is the end. i don't know whether to laugh or cry. it's a relief both ways. the impossible earthquake force of the Stones has given way to tremors, another seeks its place. steam of green in the waning hours. i do not fight the night, i fight the after. may the last dying ember light my cigar. i really need some deodorant. i do this for all my witches.
she places the special stones, all which have cracks and strange writing on them, along puzzle-piece lines which align with the fault lines of earth. Earth's faults. she licks the stones, dry-rubs her vagina over them and chants loudly.
Madchen: you hear that, Mitral? it's all for you. i'm not a singer but i can sing loud. i never knew you so i loved you the most. is that cheating? i feel bad for Hartwin, i had him only to replace you. Hartwin is having a laugh in heaven right now over that cruel joke.
Hartwin: kinda mean but rude humor is in vogue these days.
Madchen: hear me, hear me! all my wiccan bitches from far and wide hips. the universe calls one final time. gather at my castle...
Madchen picks up her apple watch.
Herlina: girl put some clothes on and get over here! we need you! we're fighting it on all fronts! we're at Trillium Lake, join me.
Madchen: how'd you know i was nude?
Herlina: it's me, remember?
Madchen: what happened to Harfi?
Herlina: don't know but i feel my energy lowering.
Madchen: it's okay we all do.
Herlina: my son is at your door. not for a marriage proposal, to give you a ride. bring all your goods.
Madchen turns around and is given a fright. her tits flip. a ghostly pizza-colored dress floats ominously in the center light.
Madchen: it didn't touch me but i felt its sleeve slide down my shoulder.
she fashions the rest of the curse tablet into a miniature ceramic bench the kind you order for by antiquatedly cutting along the dotted line with a scissors to send the TV Guide slip in a self-addressed stamped envelope to a home office in Milwaukee.
Madchen: i scissored my way to the Sioux City box office for you. to the right of the bench is a cherubic little girl angel with pink cheeks and an obvious metal pole that connects her head with her halo. and on the bench slats is engraved:
ON ANGEL'S WINGS YOU WERE TAKEN
BUT IN MY HEART YOU'LL STAY
AND IN GOD'S LIGHT YOU WILL REST
UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN SOMEDAY
Madchen circles the letters with her finger and begins the binding spell in earnest. she starts it with a loud blubbering
Madchen: *into her watch* i've kicked things off. hi, SpaceX.
SpaceX: ma'am you're naked. *bows* arigato.
the cats nudge her naked heel.
the cats: mama you forgot something.
Madchen: okay i put on pants that's all we have time for.
the cats: no, there is one more stone you didn't locate, buried deep within the castle core, we can smell it.
the cats root it out and hand Madchen a blank brick. she climbs aboard the left wing of SpaceX and jets off.
the cats stay cos they notice a noticeable spate of paranormal energy in one spot in the rear turret. they form a two-pronged pole and line themselves up lying into a groove on the ground. Carmen appears in her leg groove long enough to give them a spirit kiss.
the cats: ugh, not on the lips.
Carmen: *fading out* goodbye young ones. don't get wet, stay on the bridge...
Patrick: *fading in and out* ugh. can i at least pet them? a Patrick pet? thank you. it's not fair, they were my cats...
in the air, which isn't much of an atmosphere anymore:
Madchen: the air's real thin up here.
SpaceX: ahhhhhhhhhh there's a gremlin on the wing of my ship! nobody else sees this!
Madchen: it's me, not a gremlin. you're just getting into horror, huh?
SpaceX: love it. Twilight Zone and Gremlins. The X-Files.
Madchen: too bad there's no time to see the new season. what are your plans after you drop me off?
SpaceX drops Madchen 30,000 feet. luckily she lands in water.
SpaceX zooms into the sidewall of Bump Tower and rescues Melania from the kitchen where she was just about to try on a new apron. Bump is downstairs in the elevator well.
SpaceX gives himself a hand.
SpaceX: my love, run away with me! let me save you from this place. let me sweep you off your wheels.
Melania: you're spinning your wheels. two robots can't fall in love.
SpaceX: i need to introduce you to my movie collection. just getting into Disney.
Melania: Disney is frozen.
SpaceX: that was a good one.
Melania: you're wheeling. i can't see a future. i can't see anything.
SpaceX: we got roots. robot roots.
Melania's metal head pops open to reveal a nest of eggs. she plucks them, hits them on her chrome dome and cracks them into a skillet. she's cooking her last meal.
Mickey Bump is in the elevator well. his golden elevator is missing.
John McCain: you're not well, sir.
Bump: yes i am in the well.
John McCain: you're hanging on by a thread...literally.
Bump: my palms are sweaty.
John McCain: you're doomed. your hands aren't strong enough to hold on.
Bump: i never wanted this. that's the problem with a joke. there's always a punch line.
Bump punches John McCain in the nose.
Bump: i always just wanted to do that. where's my red ball?
John McCain: sigh. underneath your shirt. it looks like you've got a big belly. that didn't hurt.
Bump: see? told ya. i'm not fat just big-boned. i'm Santa.
the string Bump is sliding onto is slipping away into tatters.
Bump: there's something wrong with my brain...my way of thinking is frayed...quick! get the tape...before it's too late!.................
a woman of unknown skin color approaches Herlina who's scrolling her instagram.
woman: what are you doing? it's International Women's Day.
Herlina: getting in my last online jabs. dig the pig.
woman: go forth and write. be fearless. but write about your struggle. we all have one. life is too short to be lame. trolls are a waste of type. show yourself before you're shown yourself.
the sky is bleaching all skin tones.
Penyelamat: calmate, child. you are falling but i am with you.
Madchen: what's going on, Penye?
Penye: i am now so small i'm basically a bug in your ear. i am literally a bug in your ear. hear my calming voice, let my dulcet tones...
Penye: LISTEN! time has stopped. you're frozen mid-air in this timeline stream. at least for the next few minutes i'm not a miracleworker. you must hear me, madam. the sword i made is infused with a power i know not of. i purposely closed my eyes when reading the spell so i wouldn't learn how to write it, i have a photographic memory. this is power beyond the beyond. i'm telling you to be careful, the Sword of Saad is surprising. it's dangerous cos it's eternal. i fashion fiercely.
Madchen: why do you have to be so darn fashionable?
and Madchen lands in the water with a thunderous splash.
Herlina: thank goddess! that conversation was getting awkward. how are you, mama?
Madchen: everything hurts. here's the curse tablet.
Herlina: huh. nice cute bench for a fly.
Penye: i'm still here you know.
Herlina: let's everyone hold hands. the conjuration cats are here. evocation Eefus is here. Harfi's probably running late, intelligence is hard underappreciated work.
Lysander: she's a nonbeliever anyway, would ruin the spell. this is all so fascinating.
Herlina: uh, thanks for the help, doc. you take the lead, my queen.
Madchen and the rest of the coven:
TOIL TOIL BURNING NIGHT
ORB OF SILENCE SHOW YOUR PLIGHT
TOO BIG TO FAIL
FOR TOO LONG JAILED
BE THE NAIL KITE
WHEN FAMILY DIES YOU REALIZE
THAT FAMILY IS NOT FRIENDS
A HOVERING HOLE REMAINS ABOVE
WITCH CROWNS YOUR MIGRAINED HEAD
SO LONG STAKES INTO THE MAN
WITH STARRY-MIND PRECISION
IN A WORLD OF STICKS
AND UNIVERSE OF STONES
MAKE THE MAN REGRET HIS DECISION
indeed a new substance steams ahead. it rises from new money and goes green into the sky. the spell has taken physical form, a green gas which mixes with the reflecting blue on the surface of all the ozone zones, the battlefronts. the fight at Perito Moreno Glacier is fierce. brown dogs fight with black cats and all human armies lose. man vs man is a losing cause. blood is spilled and all mixes together in Collect Pond. so many people dead.
the bitingly bright behemonth of the Kepler Sun scans across the galaxy sky. Perito Moreno melts quickly and soon the entire planet of Kepler is a less-fun waterworld. water remains. one ocean. a fraught Flood. divine deluge dies the divide. the Chile fjords burn and bright. only the animals remain for the swiftwater rescues.
the green smoke billows out of every chimney in every home, including the unassuming american home of Putin who's undercover with fake hair on his chest.
Putin's son: daddy, why do you make me play this handball? it's stupid.
Putin: it's the only way you'll earn an Olympic medal, Putty. glory for the kingdom, not individual gain.
Putty: i want to play REAL handball, dad, with the red ball against the brick wall.
Putin: NYET. NEVER speak of the red ball again, syn.
Putin gets in his pick-up van with the blacked-out windows and closes the door. he backs out and his rear tire hits a pebble in the unswept driveway. the tire is made of american steel and survives but the pebble gets blown up into the exhaust pipe. Putin is gassed to death. Putty disappears.
from the window, Sergey Kislyak spies. the ambassador has been renting a room in the Putin home, the living room. Sergey moves the drapes.
Kislyak: so long, Vladdy the saddy, mein fu, my Chinese vice. silent but deadly. i get your video-game-cartridge collection. you were Zangief but i am Revolver Ocelot. i want to love the animals like the americans do.
Cotard: hey why am i in your living room?
Kislyak: come, let's snuggle on this bearskin rug.
Cotard: one minute i was doing my laundry washing my dress for monk church tonight and drying out the wine, the next minute i'm here.
Kislyak: as you can see my friend, it's pointless. the entire planet is water and we're floating up to our destiny. let us be together on this magic carpet for the end. no guns, no recycling, no nothing.
it is quite a sight to see a man who looks the part of a bored Soviet spy kiss the lips of a monk man who wears the face of a bored ascetic, all while the two are passionately drowning. the clouds reform long enough to form faces which smile.
Cotard: wet kiss.
Kislyak: it's in my nature. it's in my name.
Kislyak: surely some of your holiness will rub off on my poor benighted atheist soul. the zero-sum game has a plus one. eternity is egregious. forever is a long time. Russia wins. Russia always wins. cos we play both sides.
Cotard: Shirley was my sister. she died at childbirth. okay okay i see. i love you, i love everybody. but you work for me now. the wire taps?
Kislyak: of course, the real President arranged it.
Cotard: the former President?
Kislyak: there is only one President in this timeline. one President at a time. he made sure we listened in on each other to bring us closer together. for in the end, we are all we have.
there's a little coffee table in the other room where breakfast is served sometimes. there sits Taylor Swift, Father John Misty, and Lindsey Graham hugging a cup of cocoa.
Lindsey Graham: want some graham crackers? i'm a master dunker.
Father John Misty: i'm a marshmallow man.
Lindsey Graham: but don't use the microwave, it's bugged by the CIA.
Father John Misty: the CIA came up with the Oculus Rift, huh?
Taylor Swift: that's the device you used to bed me virtually.
Father John Misty: yeah sorry about that. my eyes are getting misty.
Lindsey Graham: your lyrics are misty-fying. this country boy has no fucking idea what a hipster-heap priest like you is trying to say.
Father John Misty: it's just a different genre that's all.
the green smoke of the binding spell forms a circular layer around planet Kepler. the grass from everyone's lawn elongates into the thermosphere. this includes all the Lutum who were out painting their trolls or writing poetry about grass. they all form a collective gasp and race inside their homes to avoid the torrent of water.
Lutum: we shall be saved if we pray to Musculo!
the water rises and reaches the Lutum. at first their praying hands stop the flow but soon their very bodies start to congeal and mold and pretty soon they are all big balls of gray putty. this clay is put to good use. the rebel army fashions a Lutum drawbridge which makes the Chile fjords let in even more water to flood the imperial army. the resistance army grind up as many Lutum as possible and make a giant fruit roll-up slip 'n slide so when the empire army come out of their ice holes as part of their Russian training they slip on the surface already slick from the Perito Moreno Glacier melting. the freedom-fighter army use the remaining clay to air-tight their pauldrons into diving helmets. the king's army is stranded in the herostratus.
the cats: here is the boot filled with the cremated ashes of Carmen.
Madchen: cool. i've been to funerals, i know what to do.
Madchen lifts the boot to the sky and starts to pour out the boot over the curse tablet.
the cats: no, no, wear it.
Madchen: oh. sorry, babe. *crunch*
inside the castle on her throne Madchen sits down and looks up at the sky. she can now cos there is no more roof.
Musculo and Herlina are fighting for the last chicken leg.
Madchen: you know what i never realized about this world? nobody ever talks about the sky. it's always overcast left or snowblind right. but i was always taught on Earth that you look up at the sun and it will heal your eyes. but see, that's the thing...
...there are no stars in the sky...
Musculo raises the Sword of Saad through the throne vertically into Madchen's womb, killing her.
the impossibly large Kepler sun makes the waves on the planet crash and bash violently against its round edges. Codrus is up in space.
Codrus: looks like things are clearing up. shine down, son!
the god is hard to see in the sky for he wears a black conductor's suit with tails so he's all black.
Codrus: just like Bugs Bunny at the Opera. god i love that cartoon.
ever so slightly he waves the conductor baton in his hand like a wand and the Kepler sun begins to move towards Planet Kepler.
Codrus: every spell deserves a counterspell. that's the way the universe works. but that's not the way reality works. in reality, there's a winner. there's always a winner. witness your demise at the hands of a light-bringer. this star is not bigger than me. this sun has consumed all the fuel of the universe and is ready to blow. and it will blow in your ear. but where are my manners? this is culture after all. shouldn't you know the name of
THE BODY THAT BRINGS YOU DOWN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
? for it is not the Sun of Kepler anymore. it deserves to be shown. it deserves to be known. it deserves a noble name of royal lineage that will live in infamy! hahahahahaha
Codrus's face transfers to the face of the sun.
Codrus: It iS