* Dev Patel is fucking cool.
* Hollywood ending. full of drama.
* all i want to do is write, act in, direct, and edit one of those obscure foreign-language shorts that Oscar recognizes each year that no one sees or can find except in some indie film festival on a volcanic island. my life will then be complete.
* remember when you couldn't watch all of the E! channel's after-Oscar party cos there would always be a new Robot Chicken at 11?
* Glenn Close: i look like Meryl Streep. but, yeah, i guess that's it.
* greatest moment of the night: Meryl Streep eating a Junior Mint.
* Casey Affleck: party at Pratty's! i'm buying! i can afford it now! you coming, Denzel?
Denzel Washington: now you listen to me very closely, young man. i'm giving you this life advice freely cos i respect actors. you turn around, you go to the homeless shelter, you get yourself a haircut and a job, and i never want to hear your ragamuffin transient thief ass speak to me again.
* Kimmel: we don't discriminate in Hollywood based on your country of origin. we discriminate based on your age and weight.
Madonna: i will have my revenge. i'm eating a donut.
* Kimmel: hello, Trump's twitter?
voice: hello? who dis?
Kimmel: who dis?
voice: the babysitter...
* Gael Garcia Bernal for President. and also President of Mexico. i still remember when he said he was against the war in Iraq all those years ago on another award show.
* Kimmel: what do you give the stars? the stars. coming down on our celebrities are little parachutes carrying drones...
* next year, all the Oscars will be sent online. if you receive a square red notification in your inbox, you've won.
* dude from Chicago unfazed by the glitz and glamour, he's from Chicago, he knows what's up.
* the Rock: *flexing* you'll have to get through this Wall...
* Kimmel: you taped up your boobs for nothing. our patter writer Bruce Vilanch taped up his boobs for this and wrote that last joke.
* John Legend: man i want to sing my music, not this corny-ass song...
* Lin-Manuel: hey kid, you're cute and everything but step aside and let a legend take over...
Moana: why are all the flags behind me emblazoned with the instagram globe emoji?
* Sting: you had one job. where's my chair?
intern: i thought it was supposed to be an empty chair.
* Mahershala Ali: now everyone will know my name, and spell it correctly.
* Mahershala: see what happens when you cancel good sci-fi? you can't keep us down. bring back The 4400!
* Emma Stone: i told my parents i had an FYP, five-year-plan. if it didn't work out in Hollywood i would concede and come back home to waitress. but it worked. i'm here on this stage at this moment.
Ryan Gosling begins to cry.
Emma: ladies and gentlemen, my secret boyfriend Ryan Gosling!
Ryan: i'm not crying cos i'm happy for you. i'm crying cos i always cry after sex.
Emma: and you'll be crying for something else later on tonight.
* Viola Davis: why are you crying, Denzel? i know my speech was intense.
Denzel: i'm happy for you, Viola. but i got robbed...
* Seth Rogen: Back to the Future is a greater film than Citizen Kane.
Michael J. Fox: why'd you have to say that, man? i don't want to be associated with you in any way.
* Matt Damon: i liked the performance i gave in that movie about the zoo.
Ben Affleck: really? *smirk*
Matt Damon: you know i have means. i have money. i could lock you up in my own private zoo in the Hollywood Hills and no one would ever know.
* Kimmel: what did you do, Warren?!
Warren Beatty: dude it's not my fault! it's Faye Dunaway's fault!
Faye Dunaway: how could you sell me out like that? you're impossible. i'm the Bonnie to your Clyde. is this cos of Madonna?
Warren: sorry babe, but Madonna said i was her best lover.
Madonna: heehee, told ya.
* Kimmel: i blame Steve Harvey.
Steve Harvey: *from Trump Tower* yeah that'll teach you to use envelopes in the digital age. now where's that drone joystick?
* security: hey you! no children under 13 allowed back here.
Chazelle: but i just won the Best Director Oscar.
* Kimmel: it was staged. it was all staged. i'm known for pranks. the PWC guy is Matt Damon.
PWC guy: i am not Matt Damon. Matt Damon is keeping me enslaved in his zoo. help me. somebody help me.
* that's my life motto: "well we didn't win but anyway..."
1. which one of the following do you need increased privacy? a) online interaction (search/website) b) sex c) drinking/drugging d) work
the first time you log on and play your first game of Solitaire on your personal computer it's over. they got you. you will never know privacy in your life again.
2. what decade in your life were you happiest with your sex life? why? teens/20s/30s/40s
teens: race to adulthood, 20s: the race is long and you don't have the right shoes, 30s: you want to go back but you're too far along the marathon, 40s: it's not a race, it's a destination.
3. what is the sexiest show you've watched in the past year? why so sexy? The Young Pope. the reason is in the title.
4. which sex scene from a movie would you like to recreate? Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. watch it. watch the whole thing. no spoilers.
5. your sex life is to become a reality series. which of the following titles fits best? a) Too Big To Fail b) Years of Solitude c) A Visual Guide for the Perplexed d) Yes Please, Anytime and Anywhere
Years of Solitude. penises can get dry, too. mine is filled with arid sand. i thought my Survivor experience was gonna be eating a few bugs and falling in love with Jeff Probst.
bonus: the late phoenix would like to know your family's secret recipes cos he's hungry and thirsty all the time. please share:
this guy sounds sketchy
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