we're here and now but will we ever be again?
cos i have found
all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade
Madchen: there comes a time. and that's it.
Codrus: why are you lot so desperate for it to end?
Madchen: o don't act like you're not like us. i would rather be bored than busy.
Codrus: but after a while you miss it. busy than bored for me. i deal with a lot of empty time i have to fill.
Madchen: i suppose there's no point if there's no endpoint.
Codrus: you are thinking very laterally. expand your grid. and for fuck sake get off the grid.
Madchen: it all comes back to God. we're her...
Codrus: the problem is God doesn't want it. God has permanently retired from wikipedia, he hasn't answered his work email in months. and he's ghosting on his personal email. there is no God. there is only me.
Madchen: well then allow me the pleasure of zombieing the relationship back from the dead. you're right, being bored sucks.
Codrus: you suddenly see things more clearly when you're dead. you just don't get that in life.
Madchen: the journey, for all its nanowonders and clouds and flowers and trees, is but a rainbow. the destination is the bridge.
Codrus: close but no El Rey del Mundo cigar. QUIET!!! QUIET!!! QUIET!!! you know what's wrong with the world? the numero-uno thing wrong with life? NOISE POLLUTION. so much noise pollution everywhere. i shall remedy that soon.
Codrus's right side of his face begins twitching over his batty eye. the ring finger on his right hand starts vibrating. there's a yellow-green stain on that fingernail that hurts.
Codrus: i'm starting to lose sight.
Madchen: that doesn't look good. you should have someone look at that. seems you're concussed. from all your cussing. trees swallow up our pollution. *smiles* the key is trees, isn't it.
the Sword of Saad slices Madchen up like a carved turkey. except it's not Madchen on the throne. it's her twin sister Mitral, the one who died too early.
Musculo: well fuck me silly and call me Shirley.
Madchen has been picked up by SpaceX and the two are hovering above the green spellline cast by the earthy witches below. to the right is Codrus's face on a gigantic sun.
Herlina: *shouts at the sky* son! son! how are you? are you eating your fuel? hey remember this? it's your favorite cartoon when you were a kid.
SpaceX: na ma, it's not the same. the Teletubbies sun was creepy with the baby's face. this is creepy with a manbaby's face.
Codrus: i've coalesced and consummated all of the Stones in all the universes to power this heavenly body. from now on i have named this Sun Tenebris. and it was good. i deem it. there are no more Stones, Tenebris is the Stone. i'm trying to shape it in the form of a square but the circle shape keeps climbing through.
Madchen: well at least there's no more drugs on the street. o how i missed you, my late sister. i'd hug you but it's too late. i love you, Mitral, more than myself.
MITRAL: I LOVE YOU, SISTER. I SHALL CALL YOU BY YOUR NON-BINARY NAME. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO SAY IT. I SHOWED IT BY DYING TWICE. THE BEST LOVE IS SILENT AND UNKNOWN. WELL YOU WERE AT THE WELL WHEN WE WERE KIDS. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT BUT IT WASN'T AN ACCIDENT THAT I AM HERE NOW. SOMETIMES JUST SPEAKING IS ENOUGH. YOU NEVER KNEW ME BUT YOU DID. I KNEW YOU. BECAUSE I KNEW YOU LOVED ME. IS IT ALL THE WHIM OF A WOMB? SURE BUT WHY QUESTION IT. WE HAVE A LOT OF CATCHING UP TO DO AFTER. USUALLY THESE AFTERPARTIES ARE A DRAG BUT THIS ONE WON'T BE OLD-HAT. IT'S SO MUCH MORE EXCITING WHEN YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO EXPECT. WHAT'S COMING NEXT. NEVER WATCH THE PREVIEWS, WATCH THE ACTUAL SHOW. NEVER WATCH TRAILERS, THEY'RE SO MISLEADING, WATCH LEADERS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
Madchen: i just love how you sound like Joan Rivers.
Musculo: *flipping* i'm looking through the rest of this script with my highlighter and i don't see any lines for me. right? okay, i'm heading to Chili's early for buffet bingo.
Codrus: don't bother with mithril, no precious metal will protect your precious cargo from my slings and arrows. wear your shame with your armor. no mail for you.
Madchen: the Sword of Saad has a way of cutting through the most intransigent of bullshit. my old men taught me so. y'know it just fits perfectly that you're a Tolkien nerd.
at the desert Codrus and Musculo meet one last time and take a break for a field trip.
Codrus: this is the cemetery. look at all these shiny unmarked graves, hewn with care from the richest white marble mined from the hills yonder.
Musculo: must be 24,000. magic. but my eyes are starting to go. i like your purple vest.
Codrus: all cos of the death spirals. bad trade deals that didn't make it. bad healthcare rolls which rolled along.
Madchen: no. they are marked. with stars on top. they all followed the same religion. your religion. these lives are all your fault. they are the direct result, the consequence, of your lies. words are such powerful trinkets.
Codrus: hey who's teaching whom here? i do the lesson.
Madchen: you are the lesson.
the black turns sky.
Musculo: can i get a drink of water?
at the curse circle
Madchen: prayer circle
the ladies are wrapping up their binding spell. it doesn't take long to unleash havoc.
Madchen: which is why we have to hex the havoc. the shaft is at the elevator shaft, right? squeeze your fingers, bitches, give Bump a tug.
the cats roll over cute for the ladies to pause and rub their bellies. they climb on each shoulder of Madchen.
the cats: miss, this is your best opportunity. this time will never come again. in any timeline!
Madchen: what are you saying? i don't speak cat.
the cats: yes you do. you're the ultimate cougar. the last stone we gave you. unmarked. you have the chance to place an eternal curse. don't waste it on freedom fries.
the cats nudge the blank block to Madchen's hemp ankle bracelet.
the cats: *donning black-and-stars pointy witch hats and chanting*
CARVE WITH BLEEDING FINGERNAIL
A NEVERENDING ONCE
THE ORANGE MAN IS FUN, A DUNCE,
BUT THE YELLOW MAN IS THE ONE
the cats: you have the wrong man! curse Codrus, not Bump!
Madchen: my eyes are flitting back and forth like a snake. you heard the men, girls, pump up those pythons and think of the worst fancy lunch you've ever had, that's basically Codrus.
Madchen slides the Sword of Saad out of Mitral's backside at the castle.
Madchen: sorry, sis
and writes the name of Codrus with the blade on the stone with a dusty screech.
Madchen: like nails on a chalkboard. but the chalk is already turning to dust. hurry my wiccans, the curst tablet is Stone, too!
Madchen: hey Harfi! how are you, honey? how's life in the clouds? tell me all about it. did you get that carepackage i send you?
Harfi: i'm not on the front lines anymore, mama, i am the line. i wanted a different life but i'm living in a whole notha consciousness level over here. thanks for the grub. and Skinny Coffee Club. i don't have to watch my figure anymore. but man have i expanded. i'm really fat now.
Harfi lies naked forever in a galactic bathtub in the center-right of the universe. her thumbs have since pruned and she is fed plums all day by skinny cabana boys. and fed by water. water vegan pizza.
Harfi: it's one thing to feed off Reza Aslan documentaries, it's another to eat faith.
Madchen: ah, i'm glad Reza got out of that stuffy lion persona. he is cute.
Carmen dabs her toe in the tub.
Harfi: sis! well you look rested. dive in.
Carmen: don't mind if i do *splash* i'm just coming from the most brisk walk.
Carmen hangs a chainlink to a star. the link hangs onto a wire casket of bath bombs in the shape of Vader's TIE fighter. Carmen drops a bomb in the tub and it screeches as it dissolves.
Harfi: cute. and i thought the square bath bombs were radical.
Carmen: i was on a mission. to relax. i thought i better do this now that i'm dead. i heard about these special bath bombs and decided to see if they were in my area. y'know i've been so busy all the time i've never had a chance to actually explore the place where i'm from like a tourist. i actually originate in a quaint expensive village called Carmel. Carmen, Carmel, i know i know. if you can get past the initial walk through the long beach, this isn't San Diego, you come upon the shops 'n stops district filled with boffo boutiques who sell you their antique wares and owl keychains at made-up prices. all the shoppes have their pallets painted purple for effect. it's all rich privileged junk but you can't help but help them out cos of their smiles. they really are affable. not affably evil, just affable. you walk down the elm tree and cut a right at the oak tree. the streets are steep and the old six-tire classic cars are finding it difficult to traction down the hills. that's when you smile a little as you casually walk in your heels down the garden path. up two blocks to the hummingbird feeder and down one block to the three-tire display in a wooden crate that fronts the cute firestation that looks like a cafe, i reach the town square, which is one big pine tree. there, carved into the sequoia, which has always been known for its wood heart rather than anything green up top, is the soap store, the Arco Iris. the shopgirl is fresh into college and wears an inappropriate fur for a clerk. i hate her cos she's young and her couture and pussy are still juicy. she can still wear her hair wet. but ah such is the price of wisdom. she tries to upsell me but eventually i feel sorry for her more than anything. before she can feel sorry for me. the place smells of soap and soup. it's not lost on me that the ironic cobweb i brush away from the sill overhang when i pull the door out falls in my face. i spend the rest of my morning leisurely climbing uphill slower than the adorable ivy which adorns the bucks bistros, gingerly strolling along as i explore my city. the gray turns sky.
Harfi: that's the one thing i miss up here, the rain.
Madchen: thank you for that story, Carmen, i'm glad i took the time to listen to it. that nature grows like the Hotel Raphael where i fucked my first man.
Melania: what's our next move, girlboss?
Madchen: who's that? i like the M sound.
SpaceX: that's my girlfriend. or wife i don't know. things move fast in cyberspace, if you DM someone you're basically married. her brain is now my brain.
Madchen: marriage is cute.
SpaceX: no, literally. she's a robot, sorry Data android, and her programming now controls all my controls. i can't think for myself. she's in my head. i can't get rid of her. she's inside me 24/7 even when i'm in sleep mode.
Madchen: that's hot. yeah, that's what marriage is. oh, and it's not nagging, it's mansplaining.
SpaceX: don't tell my mom, she's gonna be so mad. i'm in so much trouble.
Melania: i'm your mom now.
Madchen: almost there. still coordinating the coordinates.
the Lutum are busy telling their last stories for antiquity. all around their square neighborhoods the streets are filled with flood. water-drenched but their fires aren't put out yet. they float on their beds. it's quite a silly sight to see like a billion beds everywhere on waves crashing into each other. one misses the old Victorian bedframe where Cotard is sucking the Russian ambassador's thumb and then the ambassador puts that thumb in his ass.
the Lutum: we had it all wrong. we are most awake in our beds. we built our houses in wood but nobody hearted it. they were tin triangles and rectal rectangles. we learned about inscape and instress. that's what breathes life into our hearths, our each individual stories we shared in our separate spaces. that's what makes it a home.
Cotard: hopped up on Hopkins
Kislyak: one sounds like a Silicon Valley reject startup, the other like a snowflake medical condition.
the Lutum: we traveled skinny and far for this information. the legends which pass the test of time are tested. not from the push of a button but by the peril of blood. our ancestors were axis. Archimedes axis. they walked a direct route on streets named after trees. like all of us they originated in the ocean. they climbed out of Kalk Bay...
Herlina: oh. sorry. i thought you said something else. continue.
Madchen: we need more chalk.
the Lutum:...and into Five Points, Manhattan, which pointed us to Prior Lake. *waving*
Cotard: i never knew you guys had five fingers to a hand. the Lake of Before.
on another bed, since their mansion was destroyed, uncomfortably sleep together tight as a burrito Richard Simmons and his maid. Richard's brother and yoga instructor/painter/masseuse/dj best friend are worried sick.
brother and yogist/dabber/rubber/dubber: we haven't seen Richard in years. he's disappeared from public view. the cops did a welfare check and said he just wants his welfare check. and his pynchon privacy.
Richard: it's been so long. i don't know if i'm in hiding or hating.
Maid: you did this to yourself. you started reflecting instead of revitalizing. you got deep instead of got distracted. you deeped. that's what happens when you start thinking. at least we're out in the open now.
Richard: why do you hold me prisoner?
Maid: i hold you captive, my dear, that's different. remember i said i wanted one private lesson for years of cleaning up your shit. everyone wants to be taken care of. that's why people love hospitals. then you turned around and called me Oldies and never did the lesson! i'm still waiting!
Richard: no i called you Sweaty. but i don't do that stuff anymore. *sigh* my stripes are at the cleaners. i had so much energy back then.
Maid: cos you were hopped up on improv comedy and insulin chocolate bars. the worst thing you ever did was go on a diet. you gotta be your normal rotund self. let yourself go and let God.
Richard: you smell so good. i want to kiss you...but i can't. is your name Lemon Pledge?
Maid: i'll wring you by your fro hairs!
Richard: y'know when Bump's immigration plan drops...
Maid: that's not happening! look, here, take this.
Maid hands Richard the Sword of Saad.
Richard: looks more like a butter knife.
Maid: okay it's the Knife of Saad. it's the Alpha model. the point holds. these are trying times. these are the times which try men's souls. all men. be who you are. eat, drink, and be merry. really merry. never doubt your worth. forget the past when you helped others, help yourself. self-care is free, not an expensive program. all that lost potential for good is also lost potential for evil. you're still here. all that wasted time, and yet there is only now. i shall be your jester. yaaaassss king. don't sell yourself shorts. you are a man.
Richard looks up and is blinded by the light. he nods slightly.
Maid: i am a Maid. i am Maid Marian. and i'll always admire courage.
Codrus: hey meet a player-character i unlocked. he's a leprechaun dwarf elf hobbit thing. ain't he cute?
Madchen: and yellow. hello, Pikachu.
Codrus: close. Pikachu Nefesh. only if it's to save a life. well yeah so he's a bit of a useless character isn't he.
Madchen: how can you hate your own creations?
a couple of white solar flares are spitting into Codrus's sun face.
Codrus: what is this? tastes like cum.
Madchen: your cum to be exact. mother's milk. working women. the spell is working.
Codrus: intrigue me with your ignominious indignity, you debonair dirty debutante dork ditches.
Codrus recalls when he tried to order pizza on a day when he was hungry.
Codrus: is this my imagination? i'm back here. i can never forget. hey you, brown guy with the bushy braid beard. get me my pizza.
Brown: i am Dr. Brown. this is my son's establishment. he died. in a tree. they couldn't get the car out. i was so proud of him. we don't do pizza by the slice after 4. the sun is down and my baby is been. respect our wishes.
Codrus: cultural suicide. an american eats what he wants when he wants. i'm famished you foreign fuck. want me to hop the wood carving-board divider drawbridge you have there and spill hot tomatoes all down your face? that's the Holi festival, right?
Brown: you are a pathetic person. and to think you come from the sands as well. you are a child of the sun and you mock your own people, your own kind.
Codrus: i can't understand your accent, it's all noise. i'm not kind. i'm a king.
Dr. Brown picks up a cup used normally for tips, fills it with water, holds onto the cup and shoots the water in Codrus's face, getting water all over Codrus's shiny new motorcycle jacket.
Dr. Brown: water has no accent, it's pure human.
Codrus: toss-up, tosser. except this water has a fishy aftertaste.
Dr. Brown: you are sick, my friend. i see it in your face. come, Mr. Satan, and have my medical experts take a look at your old sports injury.
Penyelamat and Lysander enter the pizzeria with their long gray beards intertwined with each other's faces.
Codrus: friend? that was a fast friend.
Dr. Brown: you are my friend now that you're my patient. i shall make you trottole, spinning-top pasta, perfect for you. and meatballs. i'll trot it out in ten minutes. it will come in a cellophane coffin box. to keep it warm. please be patient. it will be ready in 10 minutes.
Codrus: NO, I'VE WAITED LONG ENOUGH. I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!! I'VE HAD MY FILL.
SpaceX and Melania but really Melania: what about the cavalry?
Codrus: Calvary is reduced to rubble. i am Jesus now.
Madchen: thank you and thank you. you two showed me the coordinates on the map. got it! the location of the Wandering Wave! not you two. give it time. you still got time. that Wandering Wave was hard to spot what with the entire planet being covered in water. and the blue ozone zones crawling in ants.
Bump has taken the shape of the elevator shaft he's in. he has become a large long vessel into which others place roses and arrows which slide off and quickly fall out the big hole at the bottom to the bottom.
Bump: i want a bed.
Bump travels to Putin's driveway and picks him up. the added Russian stones glom onto the vessel and become the Power Vertical which takes up space in the sky. it's an axis which blocks Codrus's view.
Putin takes a selfie with him and Bump in bed.
Putin: you are in a mental institution. and still you manage to smile. i need to smile more. the nurses have propped you up and you have bandages around your hair. you look like one of those Russian anti-me bloggers i try to poison. yet still you give the thumbs-up.
Bump: i want to sleep.
Codrus: bad bye. bye Felicia.
Madchen: for fuck sake don't use the F word. F names are the worst. i am so hot.
the cats sense Carmen's dispirit and nerves. they crawl around in circles, stick out their legs and lick them furiously. they stick out their tails and fall down longcat-style in a straight line. their nervousness shakes back and forth and vibrates. the vigorous vibration begins to form the beginnings of a bridge to the Rainbow Bridge...
the cats start to wheeze. it's not a hairball it's animal anxiety.
an invisible hand pets them on the forehead.
Carmen: there. there. my precious beloved adorable squeezable loving bodies. i so admire nobility. with whiskers like arrows you kept your distance, standing guard at the doorsill when i made my slimy eggs and slimmy meals, not knowing yet if this was your home, choosing to take in the entire 360 view of the kitchen before mewing your concerns. about the food. and your life. and life itself. and my campy wiccan attire. now you comfort me again with your concern. a bridge not too far. feline feelings. you guard my emotions.
Madchen reveals the Sword of Saad she had been surreptitiously hanging low by her steel-skirted side with her other hand. she revels in it now, holds the beautiful blade up high in the sky, and swings it round.
Codrus, acting as the agent of Tenebris, slowly shoots for the core of the planet Kepler. Madchen flips the Sword of Saad over and holds it by the shaft. with all her matronly might she flies down on angel wings and plunges the Sword into the exact location, the exact spot, the coordinate of her career, the area of the ages, straight down the middle from the top of the Wandering Wave, cutting the Wave in two.
Madchen: now that's a slice!
the Wandering Wave spreads itself out into two polar weeping-willow-shaped opposites, raining downturned rain forever into the universe.
Tenebris flies into the Wave and is doused. it reduces to many times smaller its original size.
Codrus: not for individual resale!
Tenebris turns into the Sun. the Sun manages to escape becoming a completely-doused dark-star hot rock with no power and just sizzling steam but it has retained permanent damage and will not live as long as it could have.
The Sun arrives in the Solar System by Earth.
Codrus leaves the Sun.
Codrus: oh no not again. i fucking hate the world!
the markings on the burning glowing electric static Sword are unlimited in their scope. they leap off the blade and the page and spill out into the universe. the words never end.
Madchen picks up a pink-topped rock and with that same hand smashes it into her wrist.
Madchen: i see the glory! i see the stories! all of the stories. the Sword of Saad will preserve them for antiquity and eternity. these are the stories of all the alternate Earths and alternate universes. all of the stories of all of the people. they will continue down this line, forever connected but different. alone together. pretty plots and legion lots. shifting scenery and sifting settings. moveable motivations. love. hate. grass. knees on trees. characters steeped in chaos and carelessness carefully crafted to grow and gain and give up. they are not characters, they are us! to shine a light on a secret sob story. on different kinds of people and aliens. they don't want the attention so we give it to them. space isn't the end of god's thought, it's the beginning of a thought.
FROM NOW ON!!! FROM NOW ON!!!
the world ends.
Madchen: ...like i was saying i'm proud to be Dutch. it's like that one day when you don't answer your emails and everyone thinks you're dead.
Codrus: WAIT! who wins the mid-term elections?
Madchen: mid-term elections? never heard of them. just another day. it's like 24, no one wins in the end. except Black Bauer.
Codrus: WAIT! i got an alternative. what about the Pumapunku Stones?
Madchen: hopefully someone discovers them.
Codrus: WAIT! what is the one book that should be read?
Madchen: the dictionary. stay away from wikipedia. but support wikipedia with your dollars.
Codrus: WAIT! i had a fifth one...but i forgot it.
Madchen: isn't that the point?
Codrus: no it's the line. my line.
Madchen: that's the point.
Codrus: WAIT! is Rey Luke Skywalker's daughter?