Friday, March 24, 2017



* old shaman: i was told there would be a famous band. where's the music?
woman: in your head. what's up with the Santa Claus beard?
old shaman: it's an important question you ask. who is Santa Claus?
woman: your facial hair?
old shaman: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH my chin is alive! i never noticed! i don't own a mirror!

* old shaman: trains are romantic.
woman: and phallic.
old shaman: what's that?
woman: you know, the long train goes into the long cavernous black hole tunnel. sex.
old shaman: what is sex?
woman: how you were born.
old shaman: i woke up one day on this train. they asked for my ticket but i didn't know what that was. i've been on this seat ever since. shaving cream is something you eat, right?

* old shaman: when you peeked over your neighbor's fence, what did you see?
woman: a body.

* woman: will you marry me? *kiss*
man: i can't see your face in all this neon light. give it one morning.

* driver: word of warning, the soldiers hate the Peace Corps.
woman: why do you hate me so?
soldier: who are you?
woman: a magical redheaded woman. who are you?
soldier: the Peace Corps.

* the woman rushes to save the refugees and embraces a boy out on the lapping shore waves tight.
woman: i am the earth mother, and you, sweet orphan, are now my son.
father of the boy: i didn't drown, i'm still here!

* woman: it's not the same protesting without a clever sign. like i was gonna do one WHY THE LONG FACE? to the cop on the horse.

* woman: i so wanted to join that cult with the waterfalls and petals in the water and the blue shawls and shampoo jars.
husband: why didn't they let you in?
woman: they said i was a ginger with no soul.

* woman: i am so excited for this wedding. *cheek kiss*
bride: thank you for coming.
woman: so who's getting married?
bride: me and your husband.
woman: did he pull the neon thing on you?

* bride: HEY! stop with the loud clapping! you're clapping too loud! some of us are trying to get married over here!
woman: sorry. never been a maid of honor before.

* woman: don't worry, i can carry this heavy container of water on my back. i'm made of strong celtic stock.
worker: we're at war with the Celtics.
woman: Knicks fan, huh? i can see why you're so angry all the time.

* worker: these mothers have to carry water on their heads while lugging their kids miles every morning. that's a tough life.
woman: i'm never drinking water again. and i'm never having kids. just give me my fit tea and adult coloring book and call it a life.

* old shaman: AHHHHHHHHHHH what happened!!!??? why are you an old ugly woman with wrinkles!!!???
woman: it's hard out there in the real world. it ages you fast. why are you a boy now?
old shaman: you must be a shaman, you are perceiving my mental age. are you my mommy?
woman: yes. yes. i am definitely your mommy.


happy weekend. when you're on a train, avoid tunnels and bridges...

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