Wednesday, February 8, 2017


Madchen is starting to take longer pauses before her pronouncements which is disconcerting to all.

Madchen: rise up. oooh, sorry, i mean arise. you are a noble warrior of light, child, you have nothing to be ashamed of. wear your scars with pride, show them off to your enemies, you need not introduce yourself with your name, your foe will see your wound and silently comprehend.

Lysander comes back out in full joker jester gear complete with a hat with three sleeves with bells on the end of them.

Lysander: fascinating. your chest has no scars. no red Xs or anything. it's just a twelve-year-old boy's chest. or a twelve-year-old girl's chest. you sure you had tits at one point, right?

Madchen: excuse moment, can i have some words? please, my child, stay in the light while you wait. hey Lysander, Lysander, hey doc, you make sure that jester headgear you have on fits nice and tight, to the point it starts to cut off the circulation, you need a faint break anyway.

Carmen: if i may, ma, i don't have a lot of time. i've been reading in a new spiritual book that just went online about the significance of the numeral 3. i shall perform three acts for you as my penance before i trod on to the battlefield and die.

Madchen: hey, you could win.

Lysander: wait this is madness! surely there's a better solution to life's problems than war. there has to be! what does it say if there isn't after all these years? the universe evolves, too, its caged creatures become beings of light that can see the longview and recognize the futility of the fight. my experience is in books. i read books to live. we MUST be more than smart savages!

Carmen: thank you, my friend. i know you mean well. and i'm still a sucker for weird men. you were always my favorite doctor. and you still owe me that appointment. i shall be waiting somewhere.

Lysander: i am a man and thus a jerk but my words still have import, right? shoot the messenger with laughing gas if you must, make a fool of him, but language is still serious. that's why words are written down.

Madchen: that is quite enough of that thank you. please, this is your one-and-only spotlight


Carmen: click here, right here at this link? what does that mean? i think i'm starting to hear things, the mind is starting to wander which isn't a good sign. soon all of my grandeur will turn to goo. i recognized early on i wasn't quite the badass witch i wanted to be. in fact the wiccan thing was kind of a phase that stuck for lack of anything better. i was hiding from my past and a nice coven was a nice cover. i wasn't as badass in my past life as a gangster moll, either. i was showing off for my brother Patrick and his two cats. i was a dog person cos the gang i was in was into dog-fighting so that was my act of resistance. i couldn't save those poor dogs and i cried ceaselessly about that and the two cats comforted me in bed and things changed. i came to love all animals including myself.

the two cats think about the two cats as they play in and drink from their indoor cat-fountain.

Carmen: i recognized then that all the hot-air lingo and street jive i was using was silly. at the end of the day you have to be you. you will shine through all the bullshit cos eventually the actor loses his accent for a line cos he goes to sleep. that's usually a good thing. i was pretending to hold on to love but i had that precious gift within me the whole time. i was blessed to breathe in the same air. i was a sister and that was good enough. i didn't need to be bigger than i was, i was already a big girl. i was Carmen. Carmen with the cats. except my name is not Carmen Sandiego. i forgot what my real birth name was it's been so long. our parents are ancient ghosts. from now on please address me as Mulieres. betta recognize.

Madchen: that is a cooler M name than mine and i can't have that. a lot of the magic that guided me when i was younger has been lost with this move. i was magic cos i was a mother. i recognize that winning this war requires brute logic and not an ounce of sugar. i can't fight this battle alone, i need others to fight it for me. it's different when you're the leader and not the outsider. i used to do everything myself and make sure others did nothing. now i delegate death.

Carmen: i am your loyal servant.

Lysander: would you rather have money or loyalty?

Madchen: please doc no time for your babble.

Carmen: you know how i go berserk on the battlefield like that? it's not me in here *points to her lungs*, it's you. but it's not just your spirit. there is a force on this planet that i didn't feel on Earth. i literally become you. i am your doppelganger.

Madchen: *points to her heart* no it's stronger. you are actually me. you are another me, a second me. but it's not a clone. you are essentially me out there. but where am i when you're out there? no one knows. that's how much you admire me.

Carmen: this isn't a joke, mama.

Carmen retreats from and reenters into the light. she is Madchen before them, not a hint of Carmen's wobbliness. not a trace of Carmen's brown hair, it is red.

Madchen: fascinating. well there's one difference. i always thought that shell jacket was too constricting.

Carmen: it preserves your beautiful hourglass shape, mama.

Madchen: i don't know why i'm tearing up.

Lysander takes off his silly jester tricorn hat and shuffles his few hairs.

Lysnader: cos maybe you're against suicide after all. i know what you're doing. classic transference. but it won't make up for your guilt. and you'd be sacrificing your friend. that's not the same as self-sacrifice. without friendship there is no life. there is society but no life.

Madchen: TURN OFF ALL THE DRONES. and that one, too, that sneaky little bugger that hides behind the clerestory cross. now you were saying? you can spill the beans here you're amongst friends and double agents. tell us all the blueprints, reveal your plans for the future.

Carmen: oh, well, we'd make a right at the green-winged teal and have some duck at East Lake. make a left at Peddler's Village to pick up some swords from the legendarily short swordsmith that works there. ram right through the enemy mountain-town of Coltan, free the villagers holding No Bans on Foreign Lands banners and mine the conquered area for that coltan mineral, it's like a vitamin. we swim to Trizonia Island for a dip in the famed swimming pool there, supposed to revitalize you, catch a fancy long car with a stepney tire over to Beeston for some beef, wagyu of course, then kick it to Italy. in the   communist commune of Cormano we shoot that silly sombrero off Cormano Wild, whose favorite food is beefsteak by the way we got that intelligence. there are foreign spies everywhere, people are not where they should be. finally we meet the predictable enemy forces at Ruislip Manor where we wipe them all off the face of the kepler. bomb the shit outta them when they turn their backs. we hang their rifles on our new wall, kiss the local wildlife, lick the northern red-legged frogs which infest the castle walls cos we're all gonna need husbands after this, and take a much-ballyhooed selfie of it.

Madchen takes Carmen by her needled-up shoulder and embraces her long. Madchen whispers vital information into Carmen's ear in a sweet-nothings voice:

Madchen: sweetie, listen to me very carefully. if you go to these 5 specific places, you will achieve optimum health. your cancer will be cured: Lomo Linda, Nicoya, Sardinia, Ikaria, Okinawa.

Carmen: yes mum. anything you say.

Madchen: now come, we've prepared a grand meal for you. your last meal before you go. sit at the adult table, Gordon should be out soon. he's at his girlfriend's house cos it's closer. that's what i told him to do. anything you desire.

at the table after awhile some dust sprinkles in and Musculo joins the proceedings, slobberly intaking food and quaffing foamy drinks and talking with his mouth open and full.

Lysander: you are dastardly. you are a dastardly dame. you've led poor Carmen to the hot spots of the war. those are the exact places where our forces are weakest. you want her to do all the dirty work. there are no health benefits in these places.

Madchen: well there were. on Earth. i am trying to win this thing, right? keep your voices down.

Lysander: don't worry about that, poor Carmen won't hear, there's too much of a conversation din.

Musculo: hey babe, what's your number? i like 'em flat-chested. it's not the size it's how you use them, right? hey you gonna finish those orange pancakes? and that million-dollar spaghetti? and that confit? and those beef-fat potatoes? and that miracle cheddar? and that bagaceira? and that microfoam latte art and spit cake for dessert?

Carmen: i'm not hungry. nor hangry. it's not you being disgusting i'm already sick. no. i could spit on your face if you're into that sort of thing.

Musculo: i am. it's a date. after i finish.


Musculo is dreaming this. he is actually in his Cream House bed, the big bed with the frightening fluffy covers. all alone. that's the emphasis, he is all alone in his cold bed as he governs the nation. he is cold. the windows are open and the drapes are ripped and old but he is cold because he is lonely. sleeping is his only respite. he tosses and turns but that's a good thing, it means he's having an active restless dream.

O shoves his shoulder.

Musculo: ARGUUUHHHHH. what? you startled me!

O: surprise attack. you are dead.

Musculo: get out of my bed! it's creepy with you next to me under the same cover and wearing a nighthat. breathing down my neck like Suzanne Pleshette.

O: okay so i won't breathe. you said you were lonely. you talk in your sleep.

Musculo: i was having the best dream. i was fulfilling my deepest desire, my most-sought wish, what i yearn for more than anything else: a good meal.

O: no, you were among people. not friends but it's a start. time to wake up, a president has to thrive on no sleep. your tech has been taken from you, remember the time-out? now go stand in the corner. or do whatever you do with your legs in the corner.

Musculo: i'm too tired to argue anymore. i need a woman in that bed. what are my other options?

O: that's the first time you've ever asked that. well there's facebook live.

Musculo: facebook is cancer. what's on cable news?

O: just the usual gang of pretty people all trying to hook up with their beautiful guests live on-air. instagram live?

Musculo: instagram is a drug and i got enough of those flowing in me. forget it, i'll skip a day. get the android to write my tweets this morning. that's why i bought an android, to handle my android phone.

O: that's the sort of quick thinking people respond to, sir. you got the robot from Japan?

Musculo: no, we're at war with Japan. i got it from Saudi Arabia of course. they said the robot's name was Asimov...


at the cave by the Wandering Wave:

Eefus: so how do you like it?

Harfi: who's there? i see the cave paintings but they aren't moving their mouths.

Eefus: i'm not there anymore. in fact i'm in a very strange place. i knew i'd move on eventually but i thought i had more say in the matter. like this would be a booking.yeah thing and i'd be in control and could fuck that handsome man with the gray hair in the commercials. i seem to be tied up to a warped porch with a scary rocking chair in its center creakily rocking by itself. anyway...

Harfi: i can't believe after all these years i'm actually a cow now! not a good look for a woman.

Eefus: no, it's goat. goat. get your facts straight before they become crooked. as the new Eefus you will preside over all things mystical and in space. you'll be very busy, won't have time for a man. isn't it great to get that burden off your back?

Harfi: uh, i guess. i mean i did want something new. but doesn't it get boring after awhile? i mean i thought once you achieve enlightenment that's it. like you don't have to fill out any more paperwork, you're done. you're telling me i have to keep working?

Eefus: oh there's always plenty to do. and the stuff that's already airtight and resolved always seems to pop back up again. it gets messed with and gets messed up. it's always broke enough. we love to tinker just a little too much. it's the tinkerer you have to watch out for, not the spy.

Harfi: i like wagging my tails and everything, it's just, that, well, i loved shaking my ass, too. now i got a bovine booty. you didn't get lonely? the broader question is: why can't priests marry?


Harfi: hello? you still there?


Carmen: i got breast cancer from one too many spells experimenting in the backyard. i thought i could handle all that power but the power got me, it got to me, it poisoned my body and took my tits. it tried to emasculate me but instead it made me more steadfast in my feminism cos now i see things as a person. i am seen as foreign rather than a flower so i ravage rather than ravish. i see things clearly despite my macular degeneration.

Madchen: okay byeeeeeeeeeeee. you better hurry, i heard the enemy are using hurricanes strapped with atomic bombs to destroy the Wandering Wave. the atomic waste from all the bomb construction is polluting all the lakes rivers and streams.

Carmen: i shall return in three days. these are my last magicks. i muster for more.

and with that, Carmen departs.

Lysander: man. rudeness is the first sign of royalty. the throne has really changed you. like the physical throne, how do you sit on it? there's a bug up your butt but it may be a spike from the throne itself up your ass.

Madchen: oh that reminds me, where is the Aquamarine Gem now? did i leave it on the throne?...oh that's right, i sleep with the gem now. a good sleep, that's my deeepest desire.

Lysander: you sleep with the crystal? like how? you insert the crystal in your hoohaw in the middle of the night? cos that's just masturbation, no health benefits.

Madchen: no i insert the crystal in my pillow and my head reaps the benefits of a night of dusty dream information flowing into my mind. osmosis of the oracle. it's good. a case for the pillowcase.

Lysander: a headcase for sure.

Madchen: hey Ly why don't you take a break, go outside and lie in the field, take a tumble down a hill for fun, get a drink, you need some fresh air. make sure that rope is velvety to the touch, i'll be busy with my last various audiences.

No comments: