* director: Redd, you're on! stop yawning.
Redd Foxx: i'm getting too old for this shit. uh, i was imitating the MGM Lion.
* woman on bus: father, do you forgive me?
priest on bus: wanna fuck? this is a getup they sell on the boulevard.
* roommate: this is L.A., not Louisiana. don't fall asleep again, old man, we're going out on the town!
Redd: don't you touch my cigar!
roommate: admit it, you don't want to hang out with me cos you disapprove of my lifestyle.
Redd: no, it's cos you a big dummy.
* Redd: let's get this straight...
roommate: very funny. speaking of very funny, Madame's performing!
Redd: okay a strip club now you're talking.
* Madame comes out of the curtain.
Redd: great googley moogley i hate you right now. you into this puppet shit?
roommate: all Los Angeles psychiatrists are required to make their patients play with puppets.
* Redd: i can see your mouth move, fuck you!
Madame: best offer i've had all day.
the audience cheers.
* Redd: this is the big one!
Wayland Flowers: earthquake?
Madame: heart attack?
roommate: you're gay?
Redd: no i gotta take a shit, where's the can?
* Redd: hey Madame, that cigarette you're smoking is dangerous, you could catch fire, unlike your jokes. who writes your patter, Jim Henson? here, put your cigarette out and suck on my cigar.
roommate: i really hate when you drink.
* Madame: i went as my favorite fetish...
Redd: watch it, sucka. don't you dare say that one.
* Madame: i threw up in the back of the cab. hors d'oeuvres and scotch. apparently that's how they make scotch eggs.
* Redd: slut!
Madame: *fist in the air* i'm a liberated woman. you can't handle me. women's lib!
Redd: you remind me of my wife. both of you are fish-eyed fools.
* Madame: if he dies, he dies.
roommate: that's me she's talking about. i thought we had something special, Madame.
* Madame: i wear a turban for my long hair...
Redd: what a time to be alive.
* Madame: hey, stop banging my head against the piano! what's wrong with you?
Wayland: are you cheating on me with Peter Griffin?
* Madame: i decided to be an interior decorator..........so i could be all three.
Redd: my mom was an interior decorator, you calling her a hooker?
Madame: yes. that's how you were born.
Redd: my mom was also an actress.
Madame: no she wasn't, i saw her off-off-Broadway, she was terrible.
* Madame: *singing* i fall in love too easily, i fall in love too fast..........
Madame: hey Redd, that red drink you're drinking? it's a love potion....
* man: the clap?
woman: no, the clapper. the lights are turning off.
* Madame: you look down.
Wayland: oh i was thinking about what my mother always told me. she said if i continue with this puppet shit i'll only lead a life of lonely sadness.
Madame: you're no fun. at least with Bea Arthur we could fantasize about Rock Hudson together.
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happy weekend. the only thing i want to have happen this weekend is that i don't eat beans straight from the can as i watch the Oscars like last year. i want the winner on Oscar Night to be me. my life's gotta improve as the years go on, right?