Wednesday, February 22, 2017


Vlad: what you like, russian bath?

the KGB thug says as he welcomes Bump and a melancholic Melania to Saint Basil's Cathedral for an end-of-holiday russian party.

Vlad: i am KGB thug, yes? that's why i'm leader. you are extraordinary, Mickey Bump, tho. you come from nothing, thus your style is unimpeachable. politics is a numbers game, you must get more on your side, except when it is a game of one person. there is no more earth to scorch, you burned it all. even Destroyer gods won't touch this place. Beerus left long ago tho Whis remains for the food. you single-handedly took down a country of utmost strength, tradition, and legacy, a universal marker, built up for generations, paid for with hysterical blood and historical treasure. but mostly nobility and righteousness which are harder to wash off white shorts. this grand experiment which succeeded one-third more than failed, proved a viable alternative to lazy dominance and inevitable overthrow. enemies out in the open who didn't need to be poisoned. from that first shot heard round the world, which when i was a child was told landed in Lenin's mouth and he ate the cannonball like a meatball. you showed us that big countries couldn't be led by small countries. that fit into the Russian narrative just fine. i mean you took down the three branches and the Abrahamic pillars of government, the Abrahamic Lincoln pillars. the Illuminati were scared of you and disbanded for fear you'd blurt out their secret location at a kindergarten photo-op. you destroyed America, the last hope on earth. and now i am stuck looking at faces of doughy fat and smug smirks and choirboy haircuts on my screen. you guys' consultants really have the worst faces. that is quite the feat, sir, quite the accomplishment. please, tomorrow Hell, but tonight we dine on herring over an open red fire.

tagging along is Musculo who gorges himself on the spread with little regard for spreads like miracle whip or cool whip, swallowing the monterey chicken whole, stirring the no-stir peanut butter cos he hates authority, getting the pizzelle stuck between his teeth.

Smirnoff and Maria the tennis player greet the honored esteemed guests by the gilded double doors.

Bump: the vodka?

Smirnoff: no the comic. but we both are old.

Bump: i'll meet you in my room later, my dear, hope you don't mind.

Maria: was that directed at me or your wife?

Willie Lumpkin is invited to deliver the mail, such as mail is in Russia.

Maria: i'm afraid the pietraluce is out of order so we'll just have to go with the communal tub.

which is draped in porcelain horses and ivory molds of Vlad's chest everywhere. the whole cavernous tub reeks of vanilla not aged in a good way. everyone disrobes, Bump quickest, Maria clumsiest, not Willie. but Bump is called away right as Maria drops a red-with-pink-and-green-flower-buds bath bomb in the water. Melania has not moved from the front door of the palace.

Maria: drat. the fumes are already forming.

indeed the bath bomb dissolves rather rapidly infusing the air with lavender and lace and whatever else masked in fragrance is in there. the water is deep red and all the participants dive in for different reasons and sigh heavily.

Willie wears a boilersuit.

Willie: ahhhh. deep dive for me. psst, i'm really Stan.

Maria: the Eminem song?

Willie: no the comic. the comic guy. first time i'm playing a character i created. deep undercover. for the red white and blue. like Captain America, who i created i think it's been so long.

Maria: everyone get in, the water's fine. dip your toes. not you, Smirnoff.

Smirnoff frowns and unscrews a vodka cap in his ass. he gets ready to pucker his lips to drink. he's thirsty as fuck.

Maria: fine. tell me a joke.

Smirnoff: in mother russia we bathe in the milk we drink. that isn't a joke.

Maria: fine i'll let you watch. but no cameras.

Smirnoff: but this is russia. why do i ache so bad?

Maria: cos this is achewater.

Maria gets on her knees and dunks her head in the red water. she twirls around and drops her legs to reveal her vagina and open-airs that bushy puppy out.

Vlad: careful. from this angle it looks like ritualistic suicide.

Maria: oh hello! *sits up* well i at least got you, Vladdy the baddie. where did you come from?

Vlad: check the flashforward. i have a private bath. i just came from bathing in milk. i sent that milk to the one bottler in the country. now open that pretty mouth wide.

Maria dutifully opens her mouth to receive the royal sperm but not without watery eyes. she spits out Vlad's cum like a stone angel spitting fountain water.

Vlad: uh uh uh, save a drop for Bump and we'll call it even. snowball, a real man's negotiation. perfect for frozen russia! call him to my chambers, he's missing in action.

Maria: yessir.

as all the load dribbles out.

Vlad: ah, Bump, where is your lovely wife? she has strong features that one, cheekbones that can crush cans of rancid tuna, i can relate.

Bump: where is it?

Vlad: sorry?

Bump: yes you are. picking on a kid. you had this planned from the start. from my birth. it was embryonic and evil. you ruskies sure are patient.

Vlad: we literally have nothing to do all day in our big country but drink and wait.

Bump: where is the red handball? that's why i did everything. that's why i'm beholden to you. that's why i was compromised.

Vlad: i'm afraid...

Bump: you should be. why are you wearing a China pin? why is there a China flag draped in the back of you above the fireplace?

Vlad: was doing some flagburning earlier...

Bump: i'm not as dumb as people think. i went to college. it's just i could never erase this accent.

Bump lunges for the furskin rug in the back. it is the flag of China with the red circle in the middle. Bump tries to dislodge the red circle which is in fact his red ball but his hands aren't up to the task.

Vlad: *fiddling his stubby fingers* heehee, you know what they say about men with small hands, Mr. Bump?

Bump smacks Vlad in the back of the head rendering Vlad unconscious.

Bump: yeah. yous don't see them coming when they smack yous in the back of the head! i'm not a Destroyer god but i work for one.

Bump takes the ball and skedaddles but not before an errant ash from the fireplace lands on his golden fake hair and burns it all down. he bounces the ball out the cathedral.

Bump: wherever you are, Melania, i'll call you from the hotel!

Maria and Smirnoff are slipping on the ornate bathtub slathered in pink chips.

Stan: i'm not cos i always bring my suction-cup yoga mat with me. that's how i stay so young. those yoga instructors whip me into shape. they use whips. you need to dry off, young lady, you are a vision standing before me stark naked and dripping wet.

Maria: but you're the one who's all wet in the center of your pants.

Maria takes the last drop of cum, curls it to the bottom tip of her tongue, and flicks it into a small vial she kept hidden in her ear canal.

Stan: stored. that's very Aeon Flux of you. i like her design.

Maria: gambit. svet. maria. i win.

Stan: *shaking hands* what are you gonna do with that love juice? use it to create and harvest a race of alien supersoldiers which will invade earth and take down the kremlin? like i did in my critically-acclaimed limited series for the Fantastic Four back when i had hair?

Maria: even better. i'll use his sperm to make a child! have it in America where the courts still matter. Vlad will have to pay exorbitant Los Angeles/New York child-support whether he wants to or not! now who's the west coast/east coast of the world? that is a trap he will never get out of! i'll have him by the ball. let the bidding begin. my bidding.

Stan: you women are devious. better hurry and catch a flight before Bump lands back in america for his court date. hey what happened to your accent?

Maria: it's me, Maria the tennis player. i never really had an accent. i've basically always been American. don't you recognize me? it's me, the double agent. the Major. Tomb Raider. Aeon Flux? Black Widow? it's me, Scarlett Johansson!

Stan: can you sign this Sports Illustrated: The Body Issue calendar of you?

Scarlett: there's no time. even for a legend it's still creepy when it's an old man asking.

Stan: *shaking hand* oh and since Putin is vanquished i guess we won't have time for Plan B. i was gonna deliver this anthrax letter to him...

Scarlett: whoa whoa watch where you wave that thing!

Stan: they said send it to the house with the purple onions on top. i eat a lot of purple onions, that's how i stay so young. makes me virile. i can't use it cos my breath stinks but i'm never gonna die!

Bump loads cases and cases of suitcases he had on his private plane in place of the riding press corps with russian money. the bills sparkle and shimmer and stain Bump's newly-manicured fingers and slowly disintegrate into steam.

Bump: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but i still have my health. my doctor says i'm the best.

the steam comes out of the red water of the russian bath and slowly settles on the scum surface. it turns into the


before everyone's shocked eyes. all except Scarlett's. and Smirnoff's eyes, which are bored.

Stan: that's amazing spiderman!

Scarlett: i know, right? cash me outside i mean let's be outside. oh wait, one more thing before i go. ladies...

Angelina Jolie and Natalie Portman come out of the double doors and with Scarlett the trio of talented temptresses hold up a white banner which reads


a drone comes out of Melania's head, films this presentation, and sends it out to the world.

Stan: even you guys, huh? you are helping so many. i reach the boys with my violent comics, you the girls with your impossible-to-achieve looks.


Herlina: madam when will i see my son?

Starscream is in the fetal position folded into a perfect cube.

Madchen: i don't know, mang.

SpaceX is hiding from everyone deep in the sky. Superman flies over and sits him down for a talk.

Superman: don't suicide yourself, son, it's not worth it, believe me.

SpaceX: you've tried?

Superman: i physically am unable. what's eating you? want some grapes?

SpaceX: i don't eat. i don't want them experimenting on me, turning me into a war machine for their nefarious needs.

Superman: i feel you but it's good to be needed. believe me. the ends justify the means. that's why i killed Lex Luthor.

SpaceX: um, no offense but can you send Goku over? i think i relate to him more being a young boy.

Superman: *supersigh* i know, i sound like my father. even though i never knew my father.

Harfi is the drone of the castle. she buzzes like a bee to an emerging scene of vital importance. Musculo is waving a knife ready to plunge at something. immediately in front of him is Madchen enjoying supper boredly with a tin serving tray in her fingers. Harfi rolls the tape forward. Musculo moves the knife towards the queen! political assassination! but upon further inspection he was going for that juicy cut of wagyu beef on the tray, trying to get it before Madchen can, he is hungry as fuck. besides Madchen would have just blocked the shot with her tray shield anyway.

Harfi: drat.

Harfi shoots first and asks questions later. so she fires before watching the whole film. the laser richochets off the tray and makes a beeline straight through the palace doors into the Wandering Wave outside.


the laser shot bounces off the hard water layer of the Wandering Wave and into Harry's face, shattering the soldier's countenance. Carmen is in tears dragging his body back to the castle.

Madchen: now you made me cry. the first casualty of war. why'd it have to be his face?

Harry: i'm not the first. are you sure you're only saying that cos i look like your son?

Madchen: forgive me if i don't get as choked up the next time.

Carmen: is there anything we can do?

Madchen: no, it's canon. it will happen no matter how many times we rewind the tape. we've been over this billions and billions. this scenario has been going on for millennia, it holds the gluey universe together, keeps it from skidding off its axis. no matter what we do, the Wandering Wave eventually drowns us all. insidious inevitability. repeating redux reflux. acid, the bad kind, not the drug. why is there a nagging gnaw in my stomach? if there was only some way to break the curse, to make a lasting change, to change it. hear me, gods? where are ye? we are here.

if there was some way to fast-forward...

the cats race towards Carmen's wet arms. she gives them the last of her treats and some Ramsay bacon but increasingly the cats don't want such things anymore. they would rather hold to their stake-out pose when presented with candy or nature's candy. the cats sniff the Rosewater, dip their paws, and lick.

Carmen: you are getting older. and wiser. that's the last of our rations. i love when you do that. i love when you embrace me. come, let us embrace our future together.

Starscream tranforms into a ball.

Starscream: fresh intel. the last battles of this war are nigh. the final campaigns are at Lake Bled, Blue Grotto, and Peyto Lake. get in the zone and protect the zones! this message will self-destruct in twenty seconds.

Herlina: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't have my health!

Starscream: i mean twenty aeons. plenty more material for comics. backstories and such. spin-off sidestories even. like the two of us. didn't mean to scare you, honey oil.

the cats: come on, mama, don't cry, we hate being wet.

the cats roll up as Carmen bunches up her slick sleeves.

Carmen: i'm not crying. i'm wet. i've been out in the battlefield. among the blue zones. the lakes. the tributaries. the water. the Wave. i was inspired today once again by a celebrity. that Angelina Jolie really spoke to me. i am a great admirer of her body. her chest breathed not a discouraging word and filled my lungs with hope.

Madchen sits up and takes the knife from out of Musculo's hand and the silver tray from out of Madchen's trapped fingers.

Madchen: whatever. i'm not taking this lying down. i will join you brave women in the field. that's where the action is. that's where the answer is. where the mystery deepens and is solved. i won't stand back i will sit up. i won't idle while my family dies. my girls and my boy. Scarlett did her part, her flowing hair in curls and framed by glasses with roses to the one side and the sun to the other, holding an actor's cigarette away from the black chips in her neck. the army grows, the march continues. i won't be on the sidelines this time. put me in coach, i'm lathered.

Madchen walks outside and looks up to the all-day cloudy sky.

Madchen: our heavenly bodies. there are more heavenly bodies. 7 more exoplanets just today. seventh heaven. a heavenly body will end this before our bodies can react.


Jules said...

You should write Political black comedy. Oh wait… you are!

Ahh. the ghost in the shell was Scarlett Johansson. I didn’t see that coming. But she did.

Superman supersigh! HA! Take the U out of Superman and what do you have? *)

the late phoenix said...

thank you for reading, mah dahlin, much appreciated, i sacrificed a lot for this. it's budget Blackadder.

the black widow is always the last to know.

that GITS trailer intrigues me. i hope it's not bad, anime's starting to lose popularity again.

sup man. supper. Sperman. Spearman with a big spear, and a big spear, chewing spearmint gum. Spearhead "Hole In the Bucket". not United. Stan. Goku. Scarlett. sex. me.

what a week!