Wednesday, February 15, 2017


the chill in the air is slightly more so, it bites Musculo in the neck with the force of an awkwardly long and strenuous handshake. he knows something's up.

Musculo: thank you for meeting me in the dessert. uh, desert. i'm famished.

Codrus: i'm nothing if not cinematic. i see you've made a home for yourself here. spoilers: this isn't really a place, y'know. it fades in and out. i just don't want you to stake roots here and get disappointed.

Musculo: you wanted to see me?

Codrus makes a point to unsheathe his glove and show his squire his five fingers. he stretches them out and makes them into spider shapes as if he's squeezing breasts.

Codrus: the time is nigh.......oooh i've ALWAYS wanted to say that! these are the final five minutes. you've experienced these final five minutes. the difference is this time all the timelines have converged and are thus dead. they were unable to leave the nest. failure to launch into space. thus this is the final five minutes. from now on you take your cues from me. i shall scream the plan to you directly into your ear canal, so loud its reverb is silent and only you can hear it in your head. hopefully it doesn't go over your head.

Musculo: like the Fast Five.

Codrus: in your case, yes. in my case it's the Furious Five.

Musculo: i'm ready. i think.

Codrus: no. if you were ready you'd be dead. this requires painstaking precision. you have to attack her at just the right moment in time for the heavens to align, which i will control. take off that stupid Apple watch. go jump in a lake and casually unfasten your watch while under said lake. i want you refreshed. you've had timers before but not me. never in human history. i shall be your time now. for i set time. i don't tell time, i am time. the sun uses me as a dial.

Musculo: you are so have such a delightful mother.

Codrus: right. i think i may have been adopted but no matter. remember who you are. but more importantly where you are. recognize the coordinates. know where you stand on the map of the universe. always notice yourself in your surroundings. use your internal compass. see that tellicherry tree? use this corbeil i give you to nail your mark there.

Musculo: *noses the bouquet* aw, boss, they smell wonderful. i've never received flowers before from anyone. not even my mom.

Codrus: yeah take this basket. it's a gift. you're in a basket with the rest of 'em. don't lose that basket! there are still a billion calculations to be made. i have a team of experts over at wikipedia working on it for me. i have final edit but i let them think they have power. i have a lot of work to do, be grateful you can afford to be lazy. but it all depends on you to make the final shot. you want to be Curry or Klay?

Musculo: Durant.

Codrus: let me take one last sniff of this place. *deep-state inhale* ahhhhhhhhhhhh. County Clare. so green and so white.


at the Westminster Dog Show an historic best-in-show is about to be announced. Harfi, now the Eefus, is in the crowd sucking on an icecube and a sugarcube and washing it down with a complimentary cup of hay. and mud for dessert. the former Eefus looks rested now that she's off the job. her face is tan and wet from waterskiing and her hooves have never looked more tone.

Harfi: so you're just a cow now.

Eefus: goat. you look rested.

Harfi: i'm not comfortable with it yet but there comes a point when you can't complain in as vociferous a manner. time sees to that.

there's always a puffball at these things, a dog so hairy and short you can't see its face or feet. they have an unfair advantage. but this year an unlikely hero is emerging, a police pooch who helps people and isn't just cute. and then there's the javelina who makes a brown mess on the green carpet wherever he goes. the javelina gets Reserve Best In Show.

javelina: *in a Mexican accent* is this thing on? hello. i'd just like to say: fuck Mickey Bump.

Wolf: and the Westminster winner this year is............Rumor the German Shepherd! first GS since 1987! back then i had no beard. he hits a grand slam outta the park! oh it's a she. don't worry, i'm a wolf but i won't eat you. well maybe the Irish-Setter handler. always good to have a gundog around. and that corgi who's too cute for words.


at the castle watching from the overhead drone painted in royal purple:

Madchen: oh i wanted the Gordon Setter to win.

Gordon Ramsay: you rang, ma'am.

Madchen: good boy! good dog. you were saying, Starscream?

Starscream: this royal abode is patterned after the famous Pena Palace back on Earth.

Gordon: isn't pena spanish for pain?

Madchen: now i should know that. any other vital intel?

Starscream shakes his head, which unlike humans makes a robotic noise.

Madchen: so that's it huh. so what did we learn today from this episode? the Aquamarine comes from the Crystal Caves and my indoor pool is based on an infinity pool at Krabi. shame they don't make Krabby Patties anymore. i suppose this earns you some oil. thing is, humans don't have any black drinks.

Starscream: i'll take a Coke. my mouth is parched.

Madchen: next. my schedule has had to be staggered. staggering schedule. next. oh, Galynn how are you? *soft handshake* may i call you Patricia? Pattie? Krabby Patty?

Galynn Patricia Brady: no.

Madchen: i'm so happy for your son's victory. that game made me pee five times. but y'know it happened so long ago i seem to have forgotten all about it. it's like it was never played. like football doesn't exist anymore. just feet.

Galynn Brady: hanging in there. you promised i'd survive, right? that's why i came out all this way. you have a secret doctor bunked in here or something?

Madchen: Lysander and i are just friends. no, honey, it's curtains for us all. but please feel free to unfasten and take down the castle curtains with you when you go, i've been wanting to dump those eyesores for weeks. whose bright idea was it to have gold curtains draping the seat of power? adorn with porn i always say. more naked statues of goddesses.


after all the hubbub and exciting claps which seem to last for hours but really only last a few seconds, Rumor finds his bearings again, bites off his leash, and runs over, jumps the railing, and lands on Harfi's lap.

Rumor: my liegess

Harfi: oh yeah. still not used to that. i'm not sleeping with you.

Rumor: i'm female, remember. god i'm really getting sick of that.

Harfi: oh...right...i just naturally were gay. they treat you good? you eating enough?

Rumor: too much. this kibble is muder on my thighs. i can't complain but i was looking at a photo of my ancestor the other day and he looks so different. he has a slimmer body and just looks more proportioned and noble. i'm a flabby fatass with an oversize head and no tails and a fifth skinny leg for a penis. it looks like i take steroids but i swear i compete clean.

Harfi: i can get you a urine sample. there's dog pee all over this place.

Rumor: i appreciate the smell of grass in this yard. but that's it. *sigh* i dunno. things will never be the same. you can't go back. once it's ruined. more and more i want to be human. again.

Eefus: i was human once. am i allowed to talk? thanks. i beseech you. test of my ladder. spoke of my wheel spoken that year. terrible experience. not pleasant.

Rumor: they're not that bad. they mean well. they're actually trying it's just the world is too far gone. fucked up from the start. screwed the pooch. and they come on the rainbow bridge seeking another world but the universe is fucked up.

Harfi: Lady Rumor, please. language. you're a lady.

Rumor: i'm more of a broad. i'm a cop. i eat a lot of doggie donuts. all i'm saying is that humans are our last best hope. the other races look up to them. they admire that they never give up despite the odds. they welcome mistakes as lessons they grow from. they are capable of growth. in fact all of your geniuses were once humiliated so badly they were on the edge of suicide. that's the thing. they want to die so badly, they wish to die, they curse their very existence, but they don't, they get out of bed. i don't have a doggie bed anymore since i started training. i sleep in my master's bed.


not like the other alien races out here who are fully-formed big brains who can literally wish themselves dead they're that intelligent. or they're big dicks.

Harfi looks through the lens of the drone fluttering by them. she sees the inside of the castle and.................Hartwin!.......and she gasps and holds her stomachs.


Codrus: you hear that? those Thom Yorke strains. they haunt me...


Hartwin: hello mother. hello from the other side. i hope you are doing well.

Madchen has fallen on her throne and speaks not, continuously crying into her lap.

Hartwin: bitch you're queen! i'd say so! YAAAAS QUEEN

Madchen looks up into the light.

Madchen: i know you are not my son. you are a deputy ensign who is the spitting image. but i'm afraid we all have to go to war. we all must do our part. there's no escaping this life. i've learned my lesson. i won't talk you out of it this time.

Hartwin: you know why i served. it's cos i had to. i didn't want to. but everyone makes sacrifices for being human.

Madchen: *wiping away her tears on her gown* yes. some are forced to. every time we laugh in the present we pay for it later. the water builds up on a future bank.

Hartwin approaches the royal see but her eyes are closed. he opens them with his fingers and smiles strangely. Hartwin licks the tears off his mother's cheeks and hugs her so hard her chest bursts. with love. there is such force in his forcefulness. he takes a long whiff of her cleavage and rests his head on her bosom. he grazes the top of her breasts and takes a quick touch of her underboob and a slight nipple-rub before departing with a bow.

outside, Hartwin with a golden poof transforms into Carmen. the cats come out of the bushes.

Carmen: sorry but i was curious. you think she appreciated that?

the cats: not the workplace harassment but certainly seeing her son one last time. that had to hurt.

Carmen: i'm not good with women. yes but it's another battle scar. farewell.

the cats decide to keep walking with Carmen up the orange hill toward the sun.

Carmen: can you do me a favor? i know you go by many names but you were once my brother's cats Trinity and Talia. may i call you that again? i would have named my children Trinity and Talia.

Trinity: weird name for a boy. he a god?

Carmen: to me he was.

the cats look at each other with the shit-eating-grin cat emoji as their facial expressions and silently nod. the two cats curl up into two fluffballs and jump inside Carmen's war jacket and stick themselves directly onto the cold skin of Carmen's chest where her two breasts used to be. they form Carmen's two new breasts and permanently become a part of Carmen's body.

Carmen is tearing up because it itches.

Carmen: that tickles. how are you holding on?

Trinity and Talia: milk. milk is our glue.

Carmen the soldier soldiers on. but coming down in the other direction is a soldier in pastel-green fatigues and torn brown dungarees. he looks exactly like Hartwin. tan and tall and handsome. he hides eating a chutney sandwich by covering his nose with his fingers, wiping away the crumbs from his embarrassing pencil-brush of a forming mustache. the two soldiers are strangers but look at each other and nod.


Harfi witnesses everything from the stands. she sees her beloved Hartwin for the first time and is stunned into shockedness. she mutters to herself:

Harfi: i wanted to be more than human. but in doing so i neglected to save humanity. i don't want to save them but there is an irresistible force drawing me to them. i can't escape who i am.

Harfi races on all fours to a clearing in the field being hurriedly picked up and dismantled to make room for the Knicks game. she lies down on her back to make sure she can't get back up. she unfastens the cap off a bottle of black drink in her pouch she was keeping for emergency thirst. the Native American potion is said to help in conjuring ghosts from the past and in preparing young souls for spirit walks.

Harfi: am i a god? no, perhaps i am still young enough. you have to help 'em so they can help themselves. you must be as a foreign entity to them to get them to react. in order to escape humanity, you have to save humanity...

she downs the drink and focuses her eye on the lens of the drone which has flown up to meet her. Harfi's eye slowly merges with the lens of the drone until the two become indistinguishable from each other...........Harfi's eye becomes the drone's lens............and the drone's eye becomes Harfi's eye......and Harfi becomes the drone.

Harfi: phase one complete. i have infiltrated the enemy base. i am inside.

Eefus: excellent, my child. you do understand. i could never tell you. you had to discover it. you have gone further than me. i turned into a Texan scientific calculator for one day and typed BOOBS on my screen and that was enough fun for me, i was out. my heart couldn't take it, i need to eat!

Harfi: you are such a comforting presence, my lady. i love having a voice in my head.

Eefus: phase two...

Harfi: phase two? what?! dammit i swear my work never FREAKIN' ends!!! what now?!

Eefus: humans. they love to dance. there's no time. you have to transfer over to the purple drone inside the castle.

Harfi: i'll end it before it begins. and save Hartwin!

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