Friday, December 16, 2016




* CliffsNotes version: go with the concolor.

* do not take Jim Harbaugh with you into the deep woods of Michigan to find your tree...

* do not trust cheerleaders with turtlenecks. they will only cheer for turtles.

* none of these townsfolk exist. nor does the town. the town is a metaphor. i am alone here.

* what is a hickey anyway? no seriously. like i always heard about hickeys on the playground but i never saw one. what is it for? what is the point? i don't get it. it remains an urban legend. it is a myth.

* Phoenix: Joe, i think i want a Tree of Life this year.

* here's a pine. no, that's nana. she smells like a pine, though.

* Joe: for the last time, nana, i don't trust cheerleaders with turtlenecks.
nana: come on you low manchild, we were all reptiles once.

* nana: wait you're a teacher? when did this happen?
Joe: i wanted to become the Seeker but everyone misheard me.

* Joe: O Come All Ye Faithful, ready, go.
class: did he say March of the Pigs?

* girl: i'm not gonna eat the teacher's cookies.

* okay, John Denver isn't a good friend of mine. we like smoked one doobie together in the Rockies one time after the Willie show.

* before 1997 the White House used the Illuminati Tree.

* Joe: you lost a loved one recently?
Gene: yes.
Joe: Gene, that loved one who died was you.

* star man: Aaron Rodgers
angel man: Jordan Rodgers
star boy: The Weeknd

* fish, it's the simple things in life.

* this was filmed before the Trump River existed...

* i'm crying over the fishing stuff. it's reminding me of Nymphomaniac.

* and tire swings

* Gene: yes but Cartman kinda ruined the whole Mars thing. y'know with the semen and all.

* Gene: throw your smartphone into the river and for the first time in your life, live!
Joe: smartphones are water-resistant now.

* Joe: only if LeBron stays.

* Gene: river people don't hurt other river people. river people hurt people.

* i tried to become a Shakespearean actor but was rejected. i don't get it, i love parks.

* now i'm crying over the dreamy heaviness of life.

* imaginary wife: Daddy never liked any of my other boyfriends. what did you tell him?
Joe: i was good at sex.

* Joe: ham? roast beef? turkey? i'm not having anything for Christmas dinner. i'm a teacher.

* ...heehee, that Charlie Brown and his nevergreen...

* Joe: okay, concert over, you were veering dangerously close to doing the dab.

* class: Mr. Pera, please sell this tree we got you for wood so you can buy more professional shoes.

* Joe: huh, all this handshaking by a door, i think i wanted to be a preacher.

* Joe: mostly soft stuff. like my voice.

* woman: Mason, come stand next to your daddy, i mean my daddy.

* Joe: i like your tattoos. are you a stripper? that's what a slider is, right?

* Joe: of course the hydroelectric dam will be useless when the next ice age comes.

* seven Santas. illuminati confirmed.

* Guantanamo Bay will be closed by the next ice age.


go rogue this weekend..............................i'll be in the theatre with you watching it in spirit...or in Force...y'know seeing as this isn't the event the other one was, there's a good chance i will probably never see Rogue my entire life...i'm too busy...

Joe: lady this isn't a game, THIS IS THE COMEDY GAME, CLICK HERE.


Jenny Baranick said...

Don't overthink it. I love it.

the late phoenix said...

OMG! O Captain My Captain is that really you?!! my heart is melting. i missed you terribly. yeah isn't Joe Pera the best?!!

Jules said...

O Come All Ye Faithful - best hymn ever. John Denver would have nailed it but you NEED a choir for angelic descant! *)

the late phoenix said...

mah dahlin: and a decanter for the proper decantation of holiday spirits *)