Wednesday, December 28, 2016


Hilary is seen zooming across the old far sky in the galaxy of stars. she pilots The Ghost and lands gingerly on Kepler in the soft snow.

Herlina: ho!

Hilary: how dare you!

Herlina: that's a greeting. was just gonna get some groceries. despite everything it's still Grocery Day. wanna come with?

Hilary: i guess none of you gals missed me. my friend Hera lent me this ship we can use. those rebels are good people. she's on hiatus but still appearing to be a rogue. the Ghost, get it? yeah so i've just been paying my proper respects to a trailblazing hero of mine and visiting Russia. you know how Russia makes all their money? their number-one export? voting machines. Putin used to paint.

Herlina: Hera seems nice. H name, so. sorry girl but not much has happened in a month. same ol same ol. i'm always hungry.

Hilary: i'm always tired. my body wakes up in different pieces in the morning. i think i'm okay but each body part needs an extra fifteen minutes to rouse. it's not peaceful sleep it's strained sleep. it's sleep where i'm constantly looking at the apple clock cos i need to be up for some stupid thing i have to do next. this election really took it out of me. i am drained beyond belief. i'm walking around all dazed and confused, no-makeup zombie. my spirit is in a trash compactor. perhaps it's best i didn't get the job, i need to sleep for the next hundred years.

Herlina: use The Ghost. we decided to stay.

Hilary: great. and don't you worry your pretty little head. i sent someone in my stead. the ceremony went swimmingly. she literally blazed a trail in the sky. you know how it is after funerals around here.

Hilary climbs into the overhead compartment of her ship to find Bill there snoring.

Hilary: get out! don't make me smack you.

Bill staggers out.

Bill: *shaken but not stirred* wha? i was having the most pleasant dream. wha? wha'd i do? i'm gonna get one L, too.


Wolf: mr. president-elect, your poll numbers are at an all-time low. the hacking has been metaphysically proven by John McLaughlin. and your position on the settlements is wishywashy at best.

Musculo at the mic: i am positionless like LeBron. the Lutum people want the settlements and i am on their side.

the Lutum: we don't want it. or maybe yes we do. as you can see, our necks are drawn to your heart. but you never asked us. you never spoke to us directly.

a rogue reporter rushes the stage.

Musculo: security!...........

Musculo: ...........oh yeah it's just me. what do you want?

Carmen: Carmen Sandiego for San Diego news. this is just a stick with a box on it. the drones will pick me up. sir, what did you say again was your favorite kind of cat? for the kids you see.

Musculo: uh, i hate cats, all of them.

Carmen: thank you *Batman eye squint*


on a faraway gold tower in the middle of white space, a princess lays motionless with a bushy wreath around her arm and a bouquet of orange roses around her neck. she wears an oval opal gown, see-through and you really see she is wearing a bra. though her eyes are closed they are so full of light and good cheer. a french bulldog saunters into the musty open-air room using its powerful jowls to open the iron fleur palace door and licks the woman. she opens her eyes, takes a moment to gain her bearings, but her wry smile returns.

Princess Leia: Gary my love, i'd knew you'd come for me! now my afterlife is complete. let me pet you hard. come on, boy, let's go, the journey just now begins.

Leia's face is covered in slobber.


Starscream has Herlina on his back and his rocket-jet boots fly around space looking for the market.

Starscream: are you sure there's a The Store all the way out here?

Herlina: that's what it says on my apple watch.

Starscream: oh it's over there. the reverse of what the apple watch says but whatever.

Herlina: maybe you have it upside-down, dear.

Starscream: i checked. i don't.

Herlina: let's get those peppermint milano cookies. and banana-and-cream Geneva wafers.

Starscream: are those really european cafe cookies they'd serve with kaffee? genuinely european? i'm a simple man, just remember the cholent for me and i'm all set for Hanukkah.

Herlina goes mad when she enters the space store, flying past the shelves and hitting the aisles like the motherfucking dickens. she loses all impulse control and starts shoving all the food and drink into her basket without a care for cost or calorie.

Herlina: *redfaced* i'm sorry, dear, i can't help myself. i've been keeping a secret.

the entire store of aliens stops and turns their head.

Herlina: check the gumball machines outside for gashapon..................i'm pregnant.....

the store aliens: *clapping rhythmically* congratulations congratulations congratulations

Starscream tears his hair out.

Starscream: WHAAAAAAA? what are you implying? i'm not a gambler. i don't play the penny slots. how!!! how did this happen! i mean you're human and i'm a robobeast. i thought that charade we did on that roach-infested motel mattress was just for show. though i must admit i've never had a better lubejob in my life, all my systems ran like clockwork after that.

Herlina: look that's one prick piston you got there but i endured it and it happened. be happy for me. for us. i'm eating for two now.

Starscream: alright, go hog wild. we'll pay for it somehow. i'll have to get a second job. for real this time. freelance conquering of worlds on weekends. Megatron will not be pleased. oh wow so you've got that thing growing inside you? it's inside your stomach like the Krang?

Herlina: not exactly though it is pink.


Madchen: my friend, how are you?

Lysander: blue.

Madchen: *rolls eyes* always with the quick wit.

Lysander the blue hologram: actually i never was particularly funny. but then i died, so.

Madchen: oh you were funny. i'm gonna need you by my side. for all of this. my head is spinning.


Lysander: speaking of mind, while i've got you here, can i get you to sign some forms?

Madchen: what is this?

Lysander: just put your name. what is your name now? you remarry?

Madchen: uh, not exactly. but i feel like a whole new person. with a greater destiny. i suppose that's everyone's wish. my name is...........Blank.

Lysander: what?

Madchen: Left Blank. just like it says on the dotted line.

Lysander: the insurance company will not like this.

Madchen: i don't need your drugs. and there is no such thing as insurance in the universes.

JUST THEN Leia comes firing in on The Ghost creating a melty path of sea ice in her wake. she disembarks and takes over like nothing happened.

Madchen: i like her.

Leia uses the campfire of the camp to plug in her generator which creates an overhead blue hologram plan of the plans of the palace.

Leia: i am of two minds on this. we can either lie in wait in the crevices of the palace, i know all the secret corridors, all of the castles here are built the exact same on the Empire factory line. i just came back from having fun outmaneuvering Galen's little fortress on Hoth so i'm a young vet. on the other hand we can form a full-frontal attack and just take him out the moment he comes in.

Herlina: *chewing on some chewy cookies* full-frontal, coming, i'm liking this.

Leia: you with the ridiculous costume on.

Carmen points at herself quizzically. Carmen is wearing a spirit hood with Galaxy Bear stickers on it.

Leia: let's get it together, ladies. playtime is over. you either do it or you don't, there is no try.

Carmen is so redfaced she pulls her spirit hood over her head and cinches it shut.

Carmen: *quietly loudly* please, i need a JUST THEN now!

Leia: everyone turn to page 2 in your blue hologram manual. everyone take out the thermos i provided from your backpocket and screw open the lid. there you will see it is filled to the brim with cut brandy. while i don't recommend drinking before battle, i have found it really loosens you up.

JUST THEN a T-rex dinosaur is seen plowing the snow.

Carmen: *fist* yes! sic 'em boys.

but the two cats don't respond. they're nestled gently inside Harfi's bomber jacket snoozing. it really does look like Harfi got a boob job.

Harfi: oh sorry, they're not like that.

Carmen collapses in a heap. she is embarrassed in the worst way yes but her crestfallenness covers up her face. she sobs internally.

Carmen: they........used to be my babies..........*tear*

Leia: sic 'em, Gary!

Gary the french bulldog leaps onto the head of the dino and tries to rip it off! he succeeds in taking off the mask. he then goes for the face letting out all of this past week's sadness into rage. the poor guy in the ridiculous costume's face is all marked up in red.

Madchen: wait.........heel......heels......who is that? Lysander? what are you doing in that getup?

Lysander: it was a gag. mostly harmless. i'm the funny one, remember?


Wolf: sir, it is confirmed, first by CNN, that you will lose the presidency. too much fishy going on. the hacking and everything else.

Musculo at the mic: THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! i haven't been inaugurated yet! it was all in my hands. i thought...

Wolf: never think. too many expectations.

Musculo: you can't do this to me. i won! fair and circle! it was all in black!

Wolf: in white maybe but not in black.

Musculo: he promised! the power the power

Carmen rushes the stage. Musculo gets behind his women.

Musculo: do your job, sex slaves! i mean, these are my, uh, female bodyguards, they will defend me to the death, they will protect me for my pennies.

the scantily-clad women only leer at Carmen and hiss, "Befana! Befana!"

Carmen removes her safety-pin from her coat lapel, opens up the long dull sharp needle of the pin and stabs Musculo in his carotid artery. Musculo falls in a pile of gushing blood.

the slaves hush loudly.

the Lutum collectively scream silently for their soundboard has just gone quiet.

Carmen stands there on the stage stunned and dripping.


MEANWHILE the rest of the crew are joyous in celebration. Ewoks set fires all around camp, sing their weird songs, and drum on the skulls of their enemies.

Leia: that girl's got moxie! see it just takes a little motivation. pep talk to power. Mission Accomplished! ugh, i hope i don't eat those words.

Madchen: staying? i could use someone to ease my load. oh damn you're smoking hot! this is the first time i'm seeing you up close.

Leia: i'm kinda a big deal. i'm needed throughout the galaxy. but i'll pop in when you least expect it. besides ol' Hilary is bored of sleeping by now i'm sure. sleep is kinda boring.

Leia raps on the overhead-compartment door.

Hilary: *snoozing loudly* bitch! don't interrupt my beauty rest! oh, it's you, it's really really you, you're real, you're here, i wasn't expecting you. care to rap over drinks?

Leia makes the Jenna Marbles face.

Hilary: so my bitch tell me, how do you get a man? i mean Bill is busting my balls, i am looking.

Leia: i've screwed and screwed over many a man in my day. mostly gotten my heart broken. but whether in space or in a weekend parking-lot space, i never lost my debutante desire and wide-eyed wonder. i became a fat chick but chubby-chasers are quite loyal. i was made in the image of my creator George. sex symbol is the kiss of death, too heavy expectations. i'd rather be heavy and in love. and laugh, you must laugh. take with you a theoretical thermos of this medicine of laughter in your backpocket, more effective than any pill. i'm addicted to comedy, comedy is calming. humor shall be our hubris.

Hilary cracks a joke in her head and laughs externally.

Leia: and girl, it wouldn't hurt to spruce up the wardrobe every now and then. do you wear anything other than that pantsuit? try on my sex-slave outfit. it's in the closet. go on, loosen up, it's all academic now.

everyone dances by the campfire, awkwardly cos no one can dance. some catch fire. burnt Ewok fur smells bad.

Hilary debuts at the ball wearing the sex-slave outfit and tries to dance but the main thing is she had fun. you know that by the genuine gummy gappy smile she shines in the close-up.

*John Williams music swells*

*circular iris wipe*



Jules said...

Princess Leia…..Cinnabuns…

Those European biscuits - do you mean those insanely mouthwatering Biscotti’s? They are destined to destroy man and put him into a sugar induced over eating for pleasure coma. *BE AWARE*

Next week I’d like to see Murray lose his knighthood to Lysander… sayin’

Jenna Marbles agrees with me….sayin’

Can we have Easter jumpers? on top of sex slave outfits? *)

the late phoenix said...

one a galaxy far far away...

i swallowed those mint-and-orange Milano cookies whole as a child, Pepperidge Farm was my gateway drug to European decadence.

is Murray acting like more of an arse than normal now that he's Number One? it's the tennis offseason so i'm not paying attention.

Jenna Marbles marbles, wherever the scalping of tickets and other fine sports memorabilia are sold

jumpers with chicks on the front for the chicks, Uncle Wiggily on the front for the ironic emo boys

let's go to the cabana...hmmm, now it seems all U.S. airports are stalled. computer glitch. must be Russian malware.