Wednesday, December 14, 2016


Madchen: well it seems we're in a bit of a Kepler standoff.

Musculo: no we're not. and i should know, i live here. time is running out.

Harfi: it always seems to be.

Musculo: no. sunny days ahead if you follow me. the castle is just yonder. there you will sate yourself until famine is no longer a world problem. we are not hungry anymore. just thirsty.

Herlina: i dunno guys, my feet are exhausted and plump. i'm carrying more weight.

Musculo: the way i see it you have two choices. before you is the beast, the landmass, the animal, the Eefus.

Madchen: ephus?

Musculo: no! you wish! it is the fabled goat with two tails. whoever controls it controls its magic and the world. our world. and it's not fabled to us, only you, to us it's reality. i know it's confusing.

Madchen: i'm missing something here. i will always be missing something. why didn't you kill this spirit animal centuries ago and gorge on its meat? and become king of Kepler?

Herlina: wait folks, hold up, i'm trying to access my watch for information on this fantastic beast but all i'm getting is beaches, bitches. bitch! there seems to be an eyelash on my screen.

Carmen: *from her cage* that's bad luck! unless you blow it.

Herlina: *sigh* how many times have i heard that?

Musculo: *with a wry eye* very observant. alas it seems its magic is more powerful than mine. even with all my training. i can't rightly touch it much less feed it.

Madchen: jealous much? this poor powerful soul will not be a snack as long as my arms are around its neck.

Musculo: fine have it your way. it literally hurts my teeth to say that. we have more teeth. stay here and freeze to death. hunger-strike until you can't strike no more your arm will be too weak. i'll wait like a vulture. i got nothing to do. the quest for absolute power takes time. in the meantime we seem to have a lot of free time. you, fattie, i mean, Fergie,

Herlina: *me?*

Musculo: take my chaperoning arm. it's the longer one. come with me. for food, folks, and fun.

Madchen: it's alright, dear. eat like a pig. eat for all of us. we will masticate with you in spirit.

Herlina: thank you! *hugs* you really are best mom.

Madchen: promise to leave Carmen alone and i'll promise to leave Eefus alone. after all, as long as he's alive you still have a chance. i'd appeal to your warrior's fairness but who are we kidding? war is hell and there's no kind killing.

Musculo: i think it's a she. dunno. meat is murder. deal. or no deal. it doesn't matter. you're able to get close to the Eefus. it's definitely a she.


Musculo takes Herlina away, willingly. he guides her up the path and down the path on his cloudy legs. Herlina makes a game effort to climb.

Herlina: *huffing but not puffing* it's always easier when you're thinking of a goal. clears you up from the constant negativity your brain spews out like lava. like i'm thinking of food, i'm thinking of a reward, not just doing it. without the end there is no beginning.

Musculo: yes, darin, we think similarly. the palace in fact stands atop a dormant volcano. the ash is a natural paint job we didn't have to pay for.

Herlina: that's why it looks all sinister and dark and gloomy. all it needs is a crack of lightning.

Musculo: in our world black is a bright color. the skies are usually white so the black really stands out. our lightning is shaped like a spoon.

they reach the entrance barred with a door of faded Grand Oak. the moat is more of a waterfall permanently damaging the loose leaden hinges with each fall of water.


cobblestones make up the walls, floor, ceiling, and table.

Herlina: makes it hard to eat.

Musculo: it's all one organism. no, orgaNIsm. have a seat, the Knights who say Ni will serve you. some of the knights are knightesses. i've thought of you as i've prepared the meal. i've read extensively on your culture. you guys eat atrociously. i mean there was so much potential for healthy but you decided on the sugar route. you coulda had grain unsalted popcorn but you as a species chose cherry popcorn.

Herlina: sure but it doesn't matter anymore. we're extinct. we were never gonna listen.

Musculo: as long as you draw a breath (or two in our case) you can change. let's start today.

Herlina: are you a chef?

Musculo: of sorts.

Herlina: i see the greens. pass the greens.

Musculo: uh that's jazz cabbage. best to skip for now. at least until you can handle its magic. in my magic black bowl i whip up pirozhki croutons and add spicy lahmacun strips, mix in napa cabbage instead, and red beetings. boiler onions of course we love our boiler onions around here, three beans cos three is a magic number, topped with lemongrass chicken all blended into a tangy thai peanut sauce. our thai is spelled tie. we don't wear ties, we wear fabric tongues.

Herlina: you are tongue material alright. i've had turkey pizza but never turkish pizza.

Herlina gobbles it down and tantrums.

Herlina: just twinning with my spirit. i've been a good girl, can't i sweet now?

Musculo: you're not my type hon. oh you mean dessert. okay, once in a while it's okay you gluttonous Muricans. adopt the European diet and wear skinny jeans like me. i also wear skinny jean jackets.

Musculo spies a piece of cut stone by Herlina's elbow. he blinks once from exhaustion and once for work. the stone turns into a package of original Oreos.

Musculo: milk's favorite cookie. had to drink a lot of milk for these muscles. our milk is more like your white wine.

Herlina: how did you know these were my favorite? i'd hug you but, yeah, maybe not.

Musculo: it's all on the internet. look closely at the package.

the package doesn't say OREOS, it says LOVE.

Herlina wolfs the black circles down with a quickness she only displays when she's scrolling.

Musculo: you want love?

Herlina: *mouth full* no thanks, i'm good. i have it already. right here in front of me. i always wondered what the carvings on the Oreo cookie mean. it's like a coat of arms. you're a good provider.

somehow that compliment doesn't mean as much to Musculo. he waves the knightesses who were waiting naked clad in just their armor off their wings and redirects them into his chamber. he doesn't need to lock his door, he locks their irons.

Musculo: why nothing more than the meaning of life.


Carmen from the cage: don't mind me, i'm not bored, just admiring the sunset view. which takes, like, ten hours to complete. those mountains over there remind me of home, the Bakken Formation. i got an upclose view of it after all the earthquakes and landslides. they built a quite-successful roller coaster on its ruins. i don't ride rollercoasters when my life already is one.

Harfi: look alive, babe, i am trained in all manner of warfare. hey cats, you're scaring the locals. what say you both climb into this two-person Christmas jumper i bought to hide.

cats: why?

Harfi: cos it'll look so cute!!!

cats: lady we were never meant to look cute. we're ferocious beasts. we're mini-tigers. we have more in common with Eefus. don't confuse us with our kawaii cousins in Japan. we're not all the same. every cat is different. the ignorance from all you advanced species is staggering.

the Lutum people are towing the line guarding the forcefield around Carmen. their eyes are wide like saucers but not cos they're aliens, they're just really curious. they poke their heads in and out and come up against Harfi's chest and listen to her heart.

Harfi: small breasts. miniature mammaries. sorry. pebbles not stones. hence the tomboy-soldier stance. stop looking at me like that with those cute whimpering eyes! you're making me tear up. i can't fight these folk. sorry Carmen. i'm slowly noticing distinguishing characteristics, male and female parts, but you do all look the same. but maybe it's cos you're all smushed together and move in one direction like a rolling wave. i can see your feet though. do not ever wear shoes!

the cats: we're sensing them. well she is. they are much more of the mind than the mallet. play a game. they love games of the mind.

the Lutum collectively blink and wrinkle their collective weird noses and form an Uncle Wiggily board from a stray stone.

the Lutum: *collectively* everybody's first board game?

Harfi: sure. yeah. wow. okay, let's do this. it's been ages. how do we start? is there dice in this game? choose a marking gamepiece. pick a card, any card. oh the top card. move how many spaces?

Harfi moves first but the Lutum move five steps ahead. before. which is actually behind Harfi. on the gameboard.

Harfi: how'd you do that? how'd you know? can you guys mind-read?

the Lutum: no, we don't read minds. we read your deepest desire.

Harfi is transfixed while the cats come up for air and turn their cute heads to notice that the rock formation in the middle of the battlefield they thought was a rock formation eventually turns into the man Uncle Wiggily himself, who's a lame rabbit on crutches.

Uncle Wiggily: i'm not lame, i'm rad. i was every '80s kid's first board game. and late-70s kid when i had long hare hair.

the cats: hey man your ancestor got a raw deal. he would have beaten that tortoise but that turtle threw a blue shell at him. btw it was suffocating in that ugly Christmas sweater! we had more room to breathe when it was just your tiny tits.

Uncle Wiggily: i like turtles. i like turtles, that is what you've replaced board games with. memes, not memory. you could never play Battleship nowadays, you kids would think that a battleship could go diagonally cos you've played too much Tetris. the real question is what are you gonna do to fix my leg? it hurts like the motherfucking dickens. i can't hop for fuck sake.

Uncle Wiggily points his cute paw at Carmen.

Carmen: i dunno, i left my spellbook in my non-captured pants.

Uncle Wiggily: spells? i thought you were a REAL doctor!!!

Carmen makes the most pronounced upside-down U frown with her mouth.


this food and merriment and games and standstill continues for FIVE MONTHS. FIVE MONTHS later...

Musculo: hungry?

Madchen: uhufn wha mnkiseief v

Musculo: i've got some chatham artillery punch i just whipped up in my mouth. secret family recipe. care to snowball it from me on this fine wintry May day?

Madchen: man you are hard up. i heard you floating a mile away. when you glide on the air it sounds like a traffic accident. i knew you were wearing a smarmy smirk even though i didn't see it.

Musculo: you're breaking. i'm sure you're quite pleasant when you're well-fed. give up, you're well-past-due your due date. your best-by date is expired. and your best days are expired. any strength you gained from the Stones is long since worn down. yeah we have our version of the Stones, too. over. done like dinner that i have to endure every night with that little pest who grows larger by the day. what's her name again? Angelina? she's annoying like that Angelina i constantly have to read about. how do you put up with her?

Madchen: i couldn't move the whole time. i can't feel myself anymore. at night i assume i close my eyes to sleep cos i don't actually know, i can't feel my eyelids.

Musculo: i put a spell on you. not the romantic kind. i glued you to the surface of the kepler. deal, aye?

Madchen: well done magic man. cock of the walk aye? clever as a c-word........chicken.

Musculo: give it up, man. uh, ma'am. go ahead and take a bite of that juicy Eefus side before that breast turns to drumstick. hey wait why isn't it dead? why isn't it all bones by now? what's keeping it alive?

Madchen: would it be cheesy to say love? c-word. see i knew i had it right. my powers would never betray me. my son is by my side. so i would not partake of this side. give in to your side. i knew we were being led by spirit. our senses picked up the grand driver of the universe. we are not meant to search merely for food but to hunt for hearth. we seek out new life and new civilizations. she is the only thing civil here.

Eefus, who stopped braying three months before, stands up and turns her head.

Eefus: thank you, Mama Madchen. i am THE Eefus, the definite article cos it is the name of the title i choose myself.

the Eefus's strong words echo throughout the galaxy, shaking Kepler off its winter axis. also shaking are the Lutum who shiver individually as they all turn their head to the goat like a titubating tsunami.


the Lutum's elevating emotion is cut short, sidetracked when they gaze upon and rest their heads on Musculo's chest, his breasts.

Madchen is too weary to wrench her wince wry.

Carmen tries to smile but it's stuck upside-down like her parents never warned her about.

Musculo's eyes fire in disgust at the sight of Eefus's new blue strength. his mouth remains mum at the prospect, cracking not to confirm the consequences of such an act. what this means. for the universe. for all the universes. he reads her courageous profile as power. upright power.

Musculo blenches in horror.


Jules said...

What a lovely photo.

The fabled goat brings goats cheese. Cheese is always the answer.

*thai is spelled tie. we don't wear ties, we wear fabric tongues.* this is an excellent sentence and so very typical of how your genius mind works.

Battleships! Better when played in a double Christmas jumper for two. *)

the late phoenix said...

i squeezed it in there at the last minute, mah dahlin! i am not a genius, i am crazy...

big kisses <3 :*:*:*