Hilary: thank you for letting me rest. i needed to sleep. i had a friend once who always told me that sleep was the most important thing in the world.
Madchen: who, Lieu? that was my son's friend. you barely knew him. don't try to claim him as one of your black friends.
Hilary: i had such a nightmare. the world was falling apart because finally apathy had come to the forefront. people knew they were being conned but finally they didn't care. they reveled in the end cos they thought they would get a new beginning. but they were wrong. i wanted to say told you so but the series finale crept up quick and before you knew it it was off the air. and then just air.
Madchen: that wasn't a dream. but maybe we can fix it this time. ain't that right, Musculo?
Musculo: why yes, monamie. we are at such an end over here we can see all the timelines as if they are one movie playing with different scenes. see? those ain't no moons.
Hilary: yes. yes. i see. there's Matthew Chris. what a sellout. he used to be about bombastic journalism but ever since the election all of his interstitials are just stillframes of him and his weird hair interviewing people where you don't even see who he's interviewing. news flash, nobody cares about the media. everybody's got a brand.
Musculo: if you come with me, ladies, i'll show you the way. the palace is just up that way. inside you will be warm off electric fires. we have milk fresh from the udder of a coconut. we have flavored bacon. FLAVORED bacon. smoked off peachwood and cherrywood. applewood is old hat.
Madchen: don't fall for his masculine wiles, ladies. we're stronger than that. you know what they say about charmers. all charm, all harm.
Herlina: i would like you to continue. i'm getting hungry. for knowledge.
Musculo: certainly, milkmaiden. you seem to be getting fatter since last i saw you. around the stomach. paunch?
Herlina: that made me feel bad. but continue.
Musculo: we have indoor greenhouses that are heated solely through our sun our sun is so big and bright. fresh choucroute garnie daily.
Hilary: snitches get salads.
Musculo: if you like, fraulein. the beards on our palm trees are long and flowing like monks. we can grow grass faster than your ass. we can craft baseball fields by the thousands even though our people despise the sport.
Madchen: we do, too, it's just harder for us to let go.
Musculo: uh huh uh huh i had a contingency plan either way. the horrible sounds those cutting mower blades make. our ear is more sensitive.
Hilary: i loved the World Series this year. provided a warm distraction for me. i like their butts. *Tina groan* i am still a woman. but i really got excited when Joe Buck in his excited monotone talked about everyone in America getting a free taco. i wanted that taco to come from a taco truck not Taco Bell but i didn't have the power yet. i was waiting for that shortstop to first-base play to occur. i know the name of that Taco Hero. i do not know the name of the Series MVP. the Taco Hero is the real MVP.
at guard duty, Harfi twirls two guns around one bored bicep.
Harfi: i'm bored.
the two cats swirl around Harfi's biceps.
Poppy: well finally! what does it take with you people! i'm Poppy the male cat.
Milla: i thought i was the male.
Poppy: no you're the female. fine, but you're the one named Milla. i do not want to be named Milla. you gotta choose.
Harfi: i guess no one ever notices.
Poppy: no one ever makes time to notice. it's all around you.
Harfi: i never knew you cats talked. but i'm too tired to be flabbergasted. sorry.
Milla: this is a problem. we must infuse wonder back into life again.
Harfi: *lying down on the pointy ship wreckage* yeah. i guess. we soldiers need a war. there's only so much planning you can do.
Poppy: so when you're not fighting you're thinking about fighting? that's all you do? and they berate me for taking naps along the fireplace. that is sad. you humans are sad. not even enough time to smell the roses?
Harfi: when i think of flowers, when i picture a flower in my mind, i picture a girl plucking it and then there's a nuclear explosion.
Milla: come on. follow us for once. power to the peaceful. we are infused with centuries of tracking instincts. we've already made our hay of this land. we sense energies you can't. low ones cos we keep all our feet to the ground. we're not afraid to get in the mud and sniff around.
Harfi: okay. it's not like i'm doing anything.
Poppy: wait, we're cold! we're shorthairs! can we climb into your parka?
the cats twirl into each other, hop on top of Harfi's head and begin kneading her hair and temples. they curl up into a ball and form a cat hat about her face.
Poppy: we drain, uh, suck up your energy, twirl it around, and send it back to your brain so you think clearer. that's real heat.
Harfi: now this is a hoodie. real fur, too.
the ladies and man continue on their merry way through the frigid hills. Musculo's path under his feet forms a fast cloud that clears a path like a snowblower. they can see a building in the foggy offing that Musculo claims is his palace but with each ground they make the palace remains in its exact far-off place.
Herlina: wait i'm figuring out the snowmelt ratio on my watch.
Musculo: oh the ceremony is delightful. we place a pearl onion on each of the naked toes of your left foot, and candied raspberries on your right. then a buff manservant wearing royal pine sucks them off. we throw them all into the batter into the boiler, uh cauldron, and voila you have rosca de reyes, baby! sexy and sweet, like you.
Herlina: *blushing* hnngnghhhngngngngn. you sold me on the toe-sucking. manservant is a catchall term, right?
Musculo: well it's the Krampus Ball so every sex is wearing a Krampus head anyway. you can't tell.
Hilary: and who was my Obamacare dentist back at Evans Mills but none other than Vanessa Goncalves herself.
Herlina: mmmmmmmmm i'd let her handle my mouth anyday.
Hilary: she brushed up against my tongue. anyway so yeah i started getting into sports. ESPN. Cold Pizza. cos all i do now is eat cold pizza.
Madchen: you have cold pizza!!?
Hilary: not with me, it's a metaphor.
Madchen: metaphors don't fill bellies.
Herlina: i know what does.
Hilary: there's this thick-as-fuck babe on there, Mollie with the good hair and full face. and Maxwell and Steven. Steven is jealous cos glamourpot Mollie clearly likes Maxwell's baby blues and virile vocabulary and totally powerful turns-of-phrase and handsome pencil-beard smile and cute short stature, Maxwell is a small man. and so Steven gives Mollie a hard time. Steven recently landed a billion-dollar contract so he thought he could walk up to Mollie all paid and declare himself and he'd fuck a bitch out of course. but Mollie ever the puss rebuffed his advances so there's tension. Maxwell is happily married but here's the question up for debate: role-play as the wife. would you give Maxwell a one-time-get-out-of-jail-free-card pass for fucking Mollie in a Connecticut bathroom? i mean it's something Maxwell has to do, this is his chance. at the end of the day, men are dumb animals who fuck. it has nothing to do with love. it's visceral and instinctual. they're animals. they need it like food. there's plenty of handsoap in the bathroom to rinse off the stench afterwards. though it's difficult to tell the difference between the cum and the soap, they're the same color. is anyone listening to this? this is the kind of stuff that keeps me up at night at 3AM thinking. i suppose i use it as a shield against my bills.
Herlina: girl don't justify, multiply. we're all animals. hey where's Harfi? she'd love this girltalk. so this you use to justify your own indiscretions?
Hilary: no. sadly no one else was interested in me at the Cream House. cream house, ironic. well there was Rahm. Rahm tried to ram me. but that guy is a dick. a small man.
Musculo: i can feel the weather shift. the winter is getting harsher by the sentence. i do not understand your reasoning. why not use your local guide.
Madchen: no, ladies. he's just being a patient wolf. you sense that? we're getting warmer in this ice. we're on the right track.
Hilary: sorry, we're distracted. and our bellies are crying they're so empty.
Herlina: especially mine.
Musculo: there is wildlife here you are unfamiliar with. like...
...and right on cue
A PACK OF JACKALS ATTACKS THE PARTY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
Hilary takes care of them all with her knife.
Herlina: that was scary! hold me!
Madchen: what the fuck, man! what kind of tour guide are you? why did those jackals have briefcases? what were in the briefcases?
Musculo: i told you. they are bigger than your jackals. they got piss-drunk all night at a local bar that's an adjacent wing to the palace thinking about how they were lied to all their lives and just used by the government as spies and cannon fodder. they were ready to take it all out on you foreigners.
Musculo: wait. you see that?
Madchen: i smell it.
Hilary: YES! I SEE IT, I SEE IT! IT'S A MIRACLE! IT'S A CORNFIELD IN THE MIDDLE OF A WINTER WONDERLAND! I SEE A BASEBALL TEAM OF GHOSTS FORMING. THEY'RE PLAYING BALL IN OLD-TIMEY STITCH CAPS LIKE IT WAS THE FIRST WORLD SERIES ON THAT FIELD. THE BALL IS MADE OF A HORSE'S TAIL. DON'T KNOW HOW THEY SEE ANYTHING WITH ALL THAT CORN IN THE WAY. THEIR MITTS ARE NOT MITTS, THEY'RE TACOS!!! THE ENTIRE SQUAD ARE TACO HEROES!!!
Hilary: if you build it they will come. huh. maybe the orange man was onto something. i could never tell with him, he constantly winked at everyone after he said something. he was a winker.
Herlina: i see them, too, so they're holograms, not ghosts. don't think you're special.
Musculo: no, further afield up the horisont. see that animal huffing and puffing?
Madchen races to caress the animal's chin. it's a goat with two tails. it is breathing heavy on its side that its ribs sway with each stroke. one side of its face is coated with blue pixie dust in its gaze and gob. the other side is lifeless and gray.
Musculo: it's too late. this animal is lame.
Madchen: no it's not, this animal is cool!
Musculo: i mean...*frustrated sigh*...yeah it's cool. ice-cold. it's on its last legs. those could be drumsticks for you. i don't eat, that would present a logistics problem. thank you for offering.
Madchen hugs the wounded beast and strokes its two tails. she wraps the tails around her head like a crown. then she starts licking the tails like a young girl putting her long hair in her mouth.
Harfi: STOP! don't eat the sacred cow, mama!
Harfi: yes, it is the Greatest Of All Time. the cats explained everything to me. they talk to me. like in English it's not that i'm crazy.
Musculo: what filthy beasts! i wasn't scared of the jackals but i'm scared of you! Earth cats, right? i read about you. disgusting milk-suckers.
the cats groom themselves in front of the man in protest.
Poppy: way to discriminate, man! not all cats are the same!
Musculo: yes you are! you're all the same breed! you're no different, you're all alike! you all come from the hills of Siam and i shall treat you as such. what will you do, woman. this is your Choose Your Own Adventure decision.
Hilary: i'm hungry! for mexican.
Herlina: i'm getting frostbite. i want to dress up. in a long, flowing dress. and a mask.
Harfi: my tits are itchy.
Milla: we're good on milk. the cats are hiding in Harfi's fireplace.
Musculo: i'm getting anoesis you're taking too long!
Madchen is as stony as a statue.