TMIT: THE MOST TIMES...I'VE PLAYED TMIT

we want to know all of these things you've done the most times:

1. sex position you've been in the most? lotus reverse cowmanservant chandelier-flying-dutchman The Joy Of Sex-stealing-under-the-covers eternal drillbit Naked Twister Clue That's How You Jenga!!! double-position

2. what book have you read the most? Lebron James is my hero, and since he reads The Hunger Games before every one of his pressure-filled playoff games, i do the same. i turn a blind eye to the fact that The Hunger Games is a rip-off of Battle Royale, i do so because Lebron James is my hero in life and basketball, i was one of the ones who burned his jersey...

3. what movie have you watched the most? why, The Hunger Games of course, because of Lebron and not because there just happens to be a smoking hot babe in the lead in these movies, a gorge chick who graced the cover of my Rolling Stone Magazine and i've never looked back since.

4. in the last week, who have you texted (no names, but give us their relationship-status to you)?: i am here to name names, and i don't text people, i'm too poor for that, i email folks, and i've emailed some of my bestest friends in life this past week, one person whom i met just this week. we talk about the old country, the old times, the ways honest men and women used to fuck each other (over).

5. in the last week, what food have you eaten?: the new Taco Bell nacho crunch burrito thingy that i saw advertised, i'm a sucker, see, i basically only take pleasure from fast food, which i can afford only once a week, so if there's something new advertised in a commercial from any of the usual chains, Wendy's has chili cheese fries, McDonald's has that new berry slushie, whatever it is, i go for it, 'cause during the week, my palate is such that i eat the same three meals all week, no variety, no taste, it's all just tepid chicken soup and rancid salad, i need food help, i need a good cookbook to lend me ideas on more variety in my diet, i need Continental Cuisine and exotic veal and fish that is captured and left to marinate for forty years before being served, folks, help me, i need food help, i need food ideas, my tongue is begging you!

6. today, which website have you visited?: the one i always visit, the one where i cull all of the hot porn vids i use in my PORN LESSONS posts i do which apparently are very popular with my readers according to the inner stats and charts of this blog:

xxxbunker

that's where all the action is, if you ever get bored, as you can see from that graph up there, it's a successful site that's doing well for itself, it's living the American Dream.

7. when dining out, where have you eaten? your luscious cunt

8. which sex toy have you used? i don't use sex toys, they're too expensive, and i've developed a bitter taste to them because i constantly get spammed with their email offers of this or that sex toy from a sex shoppe that i'm apparently a gold-card member of even though i've never heard of them before. i use the sexiest organ there is, my skin, or is it my brain? whatever, you know what i mean, i use my sexy imagination...

bonus: is there something you'd love to go back and relive in your sexual past? i wasn't always the meek loner blogger that you know and love presently, i used to not need a blog to live, i was a confident man, as you can see from the two pictures above. i started each morning welcoming the sunshine, bursting out my front door, standing squarely on my lawn and raising my two arms straight up to the sky with a confident look in my eyes and a confident grin on my face. i was so confident, as you can see in that pic there, i was able to control the shadows of Planet Earth with my feet, it was awesome, it was cool, it was like that shadow-controlling jutsu from Naruto





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BELMONT STAKES GAME, ANYONE CAN PLAY

I'LL HAVE ANOTHER, the beautiful horse with the bad name, can this really happen? are we finally gonna see the Triple Crown after so many years and so many dashed hopes from before? what do you think? too many horses in the field this time, 12 instead of the usual 7? that's what ESPN keeps telling me, and i take their word as prophesy. something about nasal strips could cause problems? at any rate, you all know how to play by now, right?

FIRST, CLICK HERE FOR ALL OF THE CONTENDERS

choose one of these horses, predict who will win the Belmont Stakes tomorrow, don't choose a horse if somebody else has already taken it, look at the comments section, i get to choose I'll Have Another 'cause it's my game and i deserve nice things, so choose another horse and see if you beat me. wouldn't it be ironic if it's Dullahan at the end there, remember my love of the name Dullahan at the Kentucky Derby because of Celty? although that would be typical Celty, you hot headless troublemaking babe you.

as always, the winner is the one who correctly predicts the actual winning horse and gets as a prize three of my award-winning comments at your blog place. isn't that something to strive for? isn't that a reason to play? thanks for playing and participating in my life, folks, i really appreciate it, it gets lonely up here all by my lonesome in my white tower on the hill overlooking the bridge, so yeah, i love it when you visit.

good luck, and i'll see you all after the race tomorrow with the results...




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TNH: SETTLING DOWN FOR A THINK

*CLICKY CLICKY*


click on not Andre the Giant for I'M LOVING RUBBING YOUR FRUIT (4 of 4)

alone with my netflix disc, what else is new?
slide in MY DINNER WITH ANDRE and prepare to philosophize
watch the entire film in my Buddhist lotus position
he's not Andre the Giant, he's Andre Gregory, it gets confusing
because Wally did in fact star with Andre the Giant in THE PRINCESS BRIDE
Wally, the cynical New Yorker with the trademark lisp and a quick-witted one-minute response to everything,
Andre Gregory, the gallant, sophisticated intellectual with the lilting, lyrical, storytelling tone to his voice who can only find meaning in
faraway places with the world's great thinkers, shamans, and teachers,
only by joining cults where one is buried alive,
by building roofs of floatable rocks
and seeing a monster in church,
by carefully examining the sexy picture of his young wife, a young wife with a pained,
scared expression on her face, Andre notices this for the first time, saw only her sexy dress before,
this man who finds coincidences in finding his "name" in The Little Prince,
going off to live frugally on sandy vistas and with foreign acting troupes,
two old friends having dinner together and discussing life, nothing more, nothing less this film is,
and it's a treasure trove of magnetic entertainment and wisdom:
the pragmatic vs. the ethereal, the New York art scene vs. the fake critics, that oldie-but-goodie science vs. religion, the real definition of "son", "wife", "love",
all the while the food/drink servers looking with tired eyes on these two continuing to rumble about with their language, talking, talking, bouncing ideas off one another, long long monologues followed by curt rejoinders, these two lost in their own world, i still locked in my lotus position watching, Andre picks up the tab, and as Wally takes a taxi ride home, he looks at all the stores along his route home to his girlfriend that he used to visit with his father, Wally understands the term "father", or at least he thinks he does, and Wally can't wait to get home to tell his girlfriend all about his extraordinary conversation with Andre, his once-in-a-lifetime magical Dinner With Andre, all the while THIS MUSIC (CLICK HERE) providing the perfect backdrop to think.




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TMIT: THINK KINK!!!...OR *DRINK*

1. what's the kinkiest thing about you, either mentally or physically? mentally: i've calculated in my mind mathematically that i am in fact the awesomest human being who has ever lived. physically: just this weekend i wrapped my penis around a fire hydrant twice around to help my fellow bro firemen out in dousing a house fire, it's just something that happened, y'know?

2. any fetishes? still recovering from a Popovich-level NASTY flu bug, it was coming out of both ends, so at this very moment, i have this fetish of NOT having strange liquids pouring from out my body, it's this hot thing where if you buy me some Flintstones vitamins, i'll have enough iron to repair all of the clogged pipes in me, man that is so sexy to me. you would look like a million dollars if you did me that favor, you'd be my sexy little nurse in white

3. ever been spanked? enjoy it? do tell: yes, by my Mommy...when my hand was in the cookie jar before dinner...happened yesterday...didn't enjoy it...humiliated actually

4. ever been tied up or tied someone up? ropes or restraints? no, and i have to say i'm not sure i'd be into that, unless it was a very special person, like, say, the person who is reading this now at this very moment. yeah, i don't know, ropes just aren't my bag, i've never been proper mountain-climbing, though i absolutely adore the word "carabiner".

5. are you more dominant, submissive, switch, or vanilla? chocolate, i like chocolate, i like the chocolate, if...you...catch...my...drift

6. what's the kinkiest thing you've ever done? barged into a college lecture hall with just my Lisa Simpson drawers on and declared my undying love for this girl i had just met two days before. i thought she'd be impressed that Lisa Simpson is my role model in life: Lisa's smart, strong-willed, Buddhist, but the girl paid me no mind. remember, this was before youtube videos and this sort of staged act becoming commonplace. the professor was steamed and escorted me out of the room, but later after discussing Nietzsche with him, he became my escort.

7. ever been to a BDSM club? well? if not, would you? how about a virtual BDSM club where you gather stranger members on their keyboards to come together at a fixed time and place every week to have fun and get down with each other. wait, that's already...we have that already, it's called TMIT.

8. favorite fetish item/implement? a whip made of leprechaun hair

9. favorite kinky clothing material? heavy wool

10. thigh boots, love 'em or hate 'em? on me, not so much. on you, YES. on *THAT*, oh hell no! no, fuck no, fuck this shit, i'm out...

11. does anyone else know that you're kinky or is it a closely-guarded secret? closely-guarded, no one knows, not even my Mommy, it's just me and my followers...

12. what are your personal limits? none, i just ask that you truly love me as you whip the fuck out of me, that you really see me in your heart of hearts as you beat me savagely, know that i am your one true love as you bite my neck.

13. what's your safeword and why did you choose that one? DON'T STOP is my safeword...yeah, it gets confusing when you're with me

14. which fetishes do you just not get? return-to-when-you-were-a-baby i get, you want to be loved and cared for without having the burden of adult responsibilities, it's that return-to-being-a-teenager fetish i can't grasp, i mean, what's the point? my 30-year-old friend is into that stuff, i saw him just recently buying a whole bagful of zit cream at the store...all i could do was shake my head.

bonus: complete this sentence: to me, fetish, kink, and BDSM means: my 10:30 has cancelled




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PORN LESSONS: HUTE

CLICK HERE, WARNING!!! NSFW PORN

learned:

* she's hot as fuck, right? but she's also cute, she's HUTE. adorable face, huh?

* BARELY, oh what a deliciously loaded word.

* okay, i know it's not cool to cum too early, it spoils the mood, but man, i would have a hard time if my cock started to get sucked in that fashion, with her undulating her back up and down like that, i'd be like "be strong, phoenix, be strong, don't let her see you sweat, hold it, hold it, don't want to be labeled a One Minute Man all over the internets..."

* this is a better way to relieve stress than squeezing a ball.

* the dude is a pragmatist, it wasn't the most giant cum shot at the end there, but he saved his energy for all that nice, long, drawn-out fucking which preceded it, so i'm assuming both parties left the proceedings satisfied.






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TNH: TAKE A LOAD OFF FANNY

*CLICKY CLICKY*


click on the ultimate workout sacrifice for I'M LOVING RUBBING YOUR...(3 of 4)


he's not a load, he's my brother
he's the one not paid for, my familial weight
CLICK HERE FOR A SONG THAT WILL SET YOU STRAIGHT

older, looked up to him, waited for his mouth
to tell me what's right and what's wrong,
then a particularly hot day in the south
to play out the TAPS song.
he died for an ideal
no one gives a fuck about anymore,
a useless war, a gathering storm
with nowhere to go but to peel.

where should i go on vacation, readers?
i have lost all ability to decide.
this one will take a lifetime to get over,
it's those comments of yours which subside.

how do i combat all of this shit?
i'll take a potato chip and EAT IT!!!!!!!!!****



****COOL REFERENCE, HUH?




CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT




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TMIT: IT'S ALL JUST A FANTASY...SAID THE MONK TO THE PAROLE OFFICER

1. if your lover was turned on by forced feminization, would you comply, giving or receiving? y'know, heels, a dress, the whole nine? i wish i had a lover right now...i'd do anything to please her, ANYTHING...i'd make the dress i'd have to wear if that's what it took to achieve cum all over the floor...i'd hem that dress lovingly with angel string and knit it with lucifer breath and the golden pin currently holding Doubting Thomas upright in Limbo.

2. when you have aggressive or cruel sexual dreams, does it scare you? things that scare me, in order: 3. life itself 2. my particular life 1. the crippling realization that there might not be an afterlife and thus all my emo pain was for naught. dreams, on the other hand, are an escape for me, a palliative therapy. i love going to sleep, for in my dreamscapes, i am a God free of problems, i've been sleeping 23 hours a day lately.

3. tell us your hottest, filthiest, most taboo sexual fantasy right now in 100 words or less, the fantasy that goes against your religion: come on, man, don't rush me, did Shakespeare have to deal with word-limits and time-limits?! brilliance comes over time...with many, many words, like 101 words maybe, y'know? that extra word could be the brilliant word that shapes the piece. my fantasy involves a monk, a parole officer, and a bar. a late phoenix walks into a bar. phoenix was brought up Catholic and is thinking of joining the monastery. phoenix asks the monk a very strange straightforward question, "do you ever think about fucking women when you're all alone up on that monastic hill praying? are you actually praying for a babe to come down from the heavens and force-feminize you?"

the monk gives an effortless smile and responds: "nuns."

silence in the bar.

monk: that was the joke. nuns. no nuns are ever hot, that's why they became nuns...that's the joke.

more silence, the barkeep starts to lick his lips but no chuckle. suddenly, the parole officer blurts out, "that'll get you twenty in the can, Saint Pervert!!!," and starts howling with laughter at the top of his lungs, "hey Monky Boy!" he exclaims, "you wanna fuck?"

that's how it ends, i always try to insert myself into this fantasy, but i find that it works better with just the two original lovebirds at the bar before i came in.

4. which super hero would you fuck and why? Aquaman, Superman, She-Ra, or Wonder Woman? first, my real-life fantasy seeing as i am a red-blooded all-american guy: gotta go with She-Ra, it muddies up my nostalgic childhood nice and good, it's because she was such a paragon of virtue in those cartoons along with He-Man, that adds to my cum-gallon count, and that name, She-Ra, it's such a ridiculous name that it would be fun to scream it in bed.

now, my truly-fantastic fantasy where i pretend to be any sex: that's gotta be Aquaman. i feel for Aquaman, i truly do, he's the guy who always gets dumped on for having the lamest powers ever, when is talking to fish gonna get you over the next rung in life, y'know? it's not just the comic geeks who destroy this man with their cyber-assault typed diatribes, it's comedians, Dave Chappelle goes after him for his weak powers, it has gotten so bad that i'm afraid if we don't stop, Aquaman will be latest victim of bullycide. it gets better...if you get better writers, that is.

5. knowing there's a hot young couple engaging in hard anal in the other room, would you press you ear up against the side wall there and eavesdrop on the action, take it all in? i'll put it to you this way: i came up with this question. but i'd only do it if it were hard anal.

6. do you think the lure to act out sexual fantasies or have sex frequently is the result of increased technology in society? yes, and i love it. Ghost In The Shell, the greatest anime of all time, please read it or watch the shows if you haven't already. i have a GITS-style cyber-brain already implanted where my flesh brain used to be, i'm more computer than man now, and the sex is fantastic, i just download everything into the limbic areas of my brain, sit back, and orgasm, don't have to do much work, except for the $4.99 fee every month. also, it helps that i was originally a human man, we men kinda like to fuck all the time, don't blame us, it's our nature, blame the cyber-brain manufacturer...

bonus: describe your fantasy life in three words: BETTER THAN EVERYTHING






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THE DO-IT-YOURSELF POST

guys, i'm broke and dead tired, i don't have the energy anymore, even after three straight 5 Hour Energys, 15 is not greater than 13, this month has chewed me under the rainbow and spit me in. what i'm trying to say is that i'm (50) grey inside, i can't entertain my babies like i usually do on a lazy saturday, i'm spent. but it's easy to entertain yourselves, what i do at this here blog is wholly simple and won't make you woolly anymore. watch, look, try this, i already posted the pics for you to use, the hilarity is ensuing with the penalty-of-law mattress tags that everyone fears tearing off when they're a kid or middle-aged in my case, here, i set up the link:



CLICK HERE, USE THIS LINK


and tell me, for i'm slow, i didn't just land off the turnip truck, i ate all the turnips thinking there wasn't a Taco Bell nearby, later found out there was,


now tell me, dear readers, WHAT WAS THAT that we all just watched together? explain it to me in the comments, no prize or anything, i just want your interpretation of said video, what is this? WHAT is that contraption, what is it for, what does it measure, what does it mean?

a supporter just emailed me the cryptic note, "LANGUAGE OF LOVE," but that doesn't quite explain it fully...




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TNH: YOU'RE GONNA HATE ME FOR THIS...

*CLICKY CLICKY*


i never got famous from this blog, but my house sure did. click on it for ...I AM RUBBING YOUR...(2 of 4)


a certain teen film that has brainwashed the masses by storm...a certain blogger...who knew that netflix, the fine folks at that place, would end up combining the two into a marriage which has served both parties well?: Twilight getting all the money, my house and i getting all the fame. you all know the saga by now, right? suddenly out of the blue, the Forks gray-blue sky, i started getting free discs from the Twilight series as part of some package i unknowingly signed up for. i guess this was netflix rewarding one of its most ardent supporters and users, which i greatly appreciate. so with my choice of disc came this free disc of the first movie.

didn't stop there

before i knew it, my choice of movie became less interesting, what i actually wanted to see took a back seat to what the fine folks at netflix wanted me to see next, namely, the second, third, etc. discs of the Twilight franchise. i popped the first one in my vhs player, it still magically worked, it was blessed with RPATTZ's good looks and charms. the second one, into my vcr, and i saw it, i just sat there and watched these movies, these films clearly geared toward an eleven-year-old girl, but they got me, they got me with the universal hook of everlasting love, every person wants that, man, woman, or werewolf. oh, Justice League Doom has arrived in my mail box? fine animated serious storytelling? fuck that! what happens to the triangle, what happens to that kid with the shirt off and the fangs, and the other pale kid with the fangs, and the babe with the expressionless pout? Renesmee? Renesmee you say? what the hell? where does SHE come into play? sooner rather than later i became a Twilight expert, i was a forced twihard, but i quite liked it at the end, i guess these films will do that to you, lull you into a false sense of security, trick you into thinking you're somehow watching the grandest epic known to man and tall, tall, tall tree. i have memorized the characters and plotlines of every film of this series, every film able to be netflixed anyway, i know them better than my own children, of which i have none.

say what you will...

...about this phenomenon, but you cannot, CANNOT deny the fact that the music soundtracks of these films are phenomenal, apart from the impossibly sickly fandom, these songs and mood pieces are just great music, great lilting melodies and devastating tracks of woe, anguish, and character. i mean, shit, Radiohead involved themselves with a track, so, there you have it, case closed.





CLICK HERE TO EXPERIENCE WHAT I MEAN




it takes a modicum of maturity to realize you have fallen in love with this story arc, it takes a boatload of immaturity to align yourself with the rabid screaming fans who go to premieres to gawk at their acting heroes, and it takes a deep desire to combine the two into one: i am that combination.



CLICK HERE FOR THE NAUGHTY HANGOUT




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TMIT: INVERTED, AND IT FEELS SO GOOD

1. i strongly agree with/strongly like: cheese, i like cheese, i like cheese, i like cheese, LOITER SQUAD!!! check out that show on adult swim, just did last night, i think, my May schedule has been fucked, folks, i'm a bit loopy over here, so excuse me. i greatly admire cheese for all that it's done for me in my lonely years, but more importantly, i agree with all of cheese's positions on birth rights and the role of cows in society. you could say that i'd be cheese's campaign manager, for i stand with cheese on all planks of its platform.

2. i somewhat agree with/somewhat like: the word "somewhat", what does it really mean? it's a mystery of gradation, too much this way and it's really, the other way and it's not at all. how 'bout dating rules? what are the dating rules nowadays? am i supposed to pay for both of us to see a flick, or is it the new dutch liberating times we live in? i'm a starving artist, so i'll never have much money, but i still want sex, i want to fuck hard and sloppy so motherfucking badly...*crying*, i'm crying over here, i want it so bad...*wipes away tears on shoulder sleeve*..."keep it together, phoenix, desperation isn't attractive to web women...man, if i had just had enough money to buy those hot tamales that one time with Grace, wouldn't need to be a web master anymore, would have been carnally sated."

3. i am indifferent and have no opinion on: just about everything in this fleeting world. have you ever heard the slogan, "the dead have no regrets."? huh? huh? yeah. i just hope i remember my life, my memories, when the worms come for me...

4. somewhat dislike or disagree with: my favorite book of the Bible is Ecclesiastes of course: "there is nothing new under the sun." now see, if i had been taught that in sunday school, i wouldn't have to use that ugly term *atheist* now, i coulda been a contender, i could have enjoyed my life in a happy-go-lucky way. man, i'm feeling horny at the moment, it's that new morning smell, y'know, i really need to fuck...something...do you think House will commit suicide tonight in the series finale?, that's what everyone wants, but i just don't see that happening, i believe it would be a television first, having the main character of a popular tv series, a character that the audience has grown to love for all these years, actually end up killing himself in the end, i don't believe i've ever seen that, it would be a bold choice, have it be with no note either to increase the tragedy of it all and leave the internet fans squirming in their roll balls forever with theories as to why...random...okay, i feel better now, had my juice, the juice with the MOST PULP...*ahhhhh*

5. strongly disagree/dislike: i have a lot of fun at this blog, the comedy is what keeps me afloat and froggy for sex with babes at every second, but allow me this one moment of stark, dead seriousness: if i continue just blogging, blogging, day after day, i will go crazy, and you would love me if i ever went totally off the rails into oblivion. i strongly disagree with how the mentally ill are portrayed in society and media, being crazy is awesome, they are the best people ever because they've truly reached a point when they don't give a fuck about anything anymore. whether it's my fellow brothers and sisters on the streets, or those like me almost homeless, i say live and let live, understand one another, talk to the crazy old bearded man at the bus stop, he's a cool guy, he's my father, he's everyone's father, he's the world's father, and let us all live in peace and harmony, locked up forever in the mental institution that is named LIFE.


bonus: what is an opinion that is held by others that makes you angry? i never get angry, i keep it together, i learn to appreciate others' differences and varied stances, opposites attract, that makes for the hottest sex, have you ever actually ridden a true combined liberal/conservative sex swing? whoa nelly it's hott!!!!!...there is one thing, though, don't touch my pulpy juice in the morning, leave the fucking juice alone, we'll discuss The Hunger Games after, after i've had my juice...





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