THE WOMAN HAUNTS: QUAVER

 

me: i've been chasing ghosts my entire life.

Jen R: and you haven't caught any. because you are not a ghost.

me: you know in my bathroom early mornings.

Jen R: like 5:30AM?

me: after i get done electric-flossing my teeth, i plug my waterpik back in the socket and wait for the little blue light to start flashing again. it never does.

Jen: it just needs a little encouragement.

me: so i gently whisper to it, "Cassie.........Cassie from It's a Living..."

Ann Jillian: THEN it comes on. i need a little while to warm up, the equipment is healthy, but then i live hard..."

Jen: i'm assuming your bathroom floor is herringbone...

cats: we smile warily.

My Favorite Year.

Jessica Harper: they say i was miscast in this movie, that i'm not pretty. yes, i simply look like an ordinary person on the street...

Benjy: let's go through her front door...

Peter O'Toole: shimmy, taut, Batman, Robin, wall shot where they're really walking upright and normally.

Niblick: Americanized Sherpa name.

Joe Downing: the Downings have always been down.

Vicky's father: this is the park Jack Tripper and i peed in naked.

Alan Swann: my name is John Smith. my father made gunpowder. i bailed on Her Majesty's Navy to make James Bond films. like all young English chaps i wanted the feeling of Donald-Ducking my bottom.

horse: just say you were reenacting that scene from Hair...

Tess: the d'Urbervilles are the suburbs. wanna bicycle? i have no daddy...

TV GUIDE: who's Little Ricky?

Kurt Cobain: no tongue. like my prom.

Rivers Cuomo: try the fish.

Johnny Carson: no spaghetti on show day. i'd have these garlic farts that would crumble Ed McMahon to his knees.

Bill Shakespeare: from my experience if you have a bad rehearsal the show will be like North Carolina football under Bill Belichick.

Dick Tracy checking his package: getting sent black roses is a bad omen, right?...

California: not depressing if Newsom 2028...

Alan Swann: okay i'll do the sketch but only because Annette Funicello is a dear personal friend of mine.

Dick Tracy: i never wanted to be an actor, i wanted to be a boxer who fights dirty, who grabs gangsters' nuts.

Daniel Day-Lewis: only i'm that good an actor. but i've never done comedy. okay here goes i'll tell a joke: my last movie was The Last of the Mohicans...

In-N-Out Burger server: who ordered the hot fish in a brown bag? oh yeah, those Navy boys.

Peggy Olson from Mad Men in the audience: ...

Alan Swann: i saw Spider-Man do this onto a Broadway stage...

pubcrawl: for the Guinness run.

cats: oh come on, the bacon's the same color as the bedsheets!!!

the Dragon Ball: Daima secret message: Here comes a new story

earring: one for men, two for women...

visual artist: painter.

Trinity the cat: if you're fucked up, if you have many diseases and ailments, if you're blind in one eye, what else can you do but sleep?...

Humphrey Bogart: i made movies popular...

Char Aznable: so i like Cher but i'm more into space rock.

Carrie Quake: ...

Carrie Quake: are there earthquakes in space?

Ken Burns: watch my documentaries now, I BEG YOU, right fucking now, man, before our country dissolves.

me: i'm an Aries who likes documentaries.

Jen R: and i'm a Virgo...

Dinty Moore beef stew: Alpo for humans.

Sonny Mann: everybody, and i mean EVERYBODY, just wants a family. i want Cassie Cranston to be my ROOMMATE!!!

Silverwing: look at our new home!!! this is like if Don Bluth did the '80s Gummi Bears cartoon...

researcher: i'm not a stalker.

Lou Grant: i'm the only research grant you'll ever need, baby.

Ian Curtis: Joy Division turning into New Order was like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly...

Bernard Sumner: wait, "Blue Monday" is a good song, right?

Ian: no, it was only because it was your FIRST song. you know? people were intrigued by the novelty of what you were gonna sound like post-Joy Division. 

Bernard: has the novelty worn off?

Ian: no worries, mate, "True Faith" is your true masterpiece. 

Gillian Gilbert: if Ian had hung around, covid meds work great on my depression.

me: don't leave me alone.

Jen R: as in, i leave you and you're alone...

fair fight: a fight at a fair, which is never a fair fight. those apples are always sticky, end of.

Talia: you're going to Safeway without a bag.

me: yes and?

Talia: that can only mean one thing: you're getting kitty litter...

Jen R: i went in for a biopsy.

me: that is such a scary word.

Jen: you'd think it'd be fun, like being inside the Bio Dome, self-regulated 70-degrees when it's 100 degrees outside.

me: that's our future. hopefully with you.

Jen: all clear. but my skin is now metallic form the Bio Dome.

Powder: every man has 3 powders in his life: kitty litter, iced-tea, and Tide detergent.

Jen R: Sean Patrick Flanery is a freak in bed. a real blue freak in bed.

Sean Patrick Flanery: Jen R gave me pinkeye.

me: well, at least you had a Patrick...