Wednesday, May 23, 2012



i never got famous from this blog, but my house sure did. click on it for ...I AM RUBBING YOUR...(2 of 4)

a certain teen film that has brainwashed the masses by storm...a certain blogger...who knew that netflix, the fine folks at that place, would end up combining the two into a marriage which has served both parties well?: Twilight getting all the money, my house and i getting all the fame. you all know the saga by now, right? suddenly out of the blue, the Forks gray-blue sky, i started getting free discs from the Twilight series as part of some package i unknowingly signed up for. i guess this was netflix rewarding one of its most ardent supporters and users, which i greatly appreciate. so with my choice of disc came this free disc of the first movie.

didn't stop there

before i knew it, my choice of movie became less interesting, what i actually wanted to see took a back seat to what the fine folks at netflix wanted me to see next, namely, the second, third, etc. discs of the Twilight franchise. i popped the first one in my vhs player, it still magically worked, it was blessed with RPATTZ's good looks and charms. the second one, into my vcr, and i saw it, i just sat there and watched these movies, these films clearly geared toward an eleven-year-old girl, but they got me, they got me with the universal hook of everlasting love, every person wants that, man, woman, or werewolf. oh, Justice League Doom has arrived in my mail box? fine animated serious storytelling? fuck that! what happens to the triangle, what happens to that kid with the shirt off and the fangs, and the other pale kid with the fangs, and the babe with the expressionless pout? Renesmee? Renesmee you say? what the hell? where does SHE come into play? sooner rather than later i became a Twilight expert, i was a forced twihard, but i quite liked it at the end, i guess these films will do that to you, lull you into a false sense of security, trick you into thinking you're somehow watching the grandest epic known to man and tall, tall, tall tree. i have memorized the characters and plotlines of every film of this series, every film able to be netflixed anyway, i know them better than my own children, of which i have none.

say what you will...

...about this phenomenon, but you cannot, CANNOT deny the fact that the music soundtracks of these films are phenomenal, apart from the impossibly sickly fandom, these songs and mood pieces are just great music, great lilting melodies and devastating tracks of woe, anguish, and character. i mean, shit, Radiohead involved themselves with a track, so, there you have it, case closed.


it takes a modicum of maturity to realize you have fallen in love with this story arc, it takes a boatload of immaturity to align yourself with the rabid screaming fans who go to premieres to gawk at their acting heroes, and it takes a deep desire to combine the two into one: i am that combination.




KaziGrrl said...

I am a fan of the concept (being the fantasy fan that I am), but not of the author... I really hate the way she writes.

And yes, the music is awesome, I own all of the soundtracks :)

So no, I don't hate you ;)

~Kazi xxx

Jack and Jill said...

So, um...your house was featured in Twilight? Burn it down and start fresh somewhere else.

the late phoenix said...

kazi: that's good, i can't take any more hate. there is one thing that can overcome even bad writing: a teen heartthrob with stiff hair

jj: maybe in my fevered Team Jacob/Team Edward nightmares it was...

Mia Wallace said...

I read the books. I HATED the second one. That whiny bitch spent the whole time going, "I love Edward, I love Jacob." SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DECIDE ALREADY!

I've seen the movies, but I did NOT stand in line for them. All have been Netflixed (did you know that was a verb?!) The first was HORRIBLE, but they're getting better with each one.

Question: How does a vampire, who is technically dead and without circulation, get an erection and ejaculate make make the aforementioned Renesmee...? That being said, as ridiculous as it is, I'll admit that I couldn't wait for them to finally fuck in the book.

Missed Periods said...

I'm gathering from this post that you are Team Edward.

Cheeky Minx said...

Hate you? Impossible. Although you may begin to hate me since I haven't seen anything Twilight related.

Alas, I'll just have to make do with you recounting the tale in detail as you st(r)oke my vampiric lust with your fingers... ;-)

the late phoenix said...

mia: i pattern my lovemaking technique on how Edward broke the bed in the movie. netflixed is the best verb there is. i have one more film to see to complete myself, i am a forced-twihard completist...apparently

missed: i'm actually Team Missed Periods

cheeky: stroke > stoke

Nolens Volens said...

I am with Mia on the whole baby-making concept. Dead = no fluid. No fluid = no viable sperm. Baby = Bella secretly fucked Jacob. ;)

the late phoenix said...

nv: creative license i suppose, but i like your deepening-the-triangle-even-more angle