Monday, June 1, 2015


1. you are interviewing someone to be your lover, what are the 3 most important questions you'll ask?

a) are you a fan of Taco Bell's way of putting the hash browns inside the pocket with the rest of the stuff? if she answers yes, she's a breakfast defector so she might defect on our relationship.

b) butt stuff?

c) are you weirded out by the fact that i'm conducting this interview like a job interview?

2. you are interviewing people to be your personal servant/valet, what are your 3 most pressing questions?

a) do you like to serve me? if they answer no, keep them, it means they're anti-authority so they're probably cool.

b) do you have a private jet? airports are the pits, plus i like to wear my faux-leather snoopy cap and goggles and scarf around my neck when i fly to Woodstock with Woodstock.

c) tell them they must "Respect my Authoritah!". if they laugh they're South Park fans and probably cool.

3. you are selecting a pet for you and your family, what are the 3 most important criteria?

a) must fly. and not just fly, fly with a cape.

b) Jurassic Bark. Panucci's Pizza. *crying*

c) do you want Futurama to continue? if the pet answers yes, it could mean the pet's a huge fan. but this is tricky, if the pet answers no, it could be that the pet is such a fan that it doesn't want the legacy of the show to get watered down with new episodes that pale in comparison to its glory years. love is complicated.

bonus: the question the pet asks me: do you think Cruella de Vil is hot? if i answer yes, the pet leaves immediately.

4. name 3 good things you did yesterday: flew. with a cape. helped people.

5. name 3 bad things you ate yesterday: the Fratelli sisters. Mom says they are bad girls from the wrong side of the tracks.

bonus: it is said that bad things happen in threes. what was your last episode of 3 bad things?

a) high-school chemistry teacher
b) car wash
c) bitten by a regular spider...days of being good are over...



cammies on the floor said...

It would be strange to conduct a date like an interview, but it would also be strange to interview your pet and expect answers

the late phoenix said...

cammies: all animals are great teachers, they are wells of wisdom if one gets up close to them and listens carefully. except Woodstock, he doesn't talk.