Wednesday, June 24, 2015


four days later and the revolution is in full swing. everyone's doing their part. there's nothing like a war effort to bring people together. who is the enemy? it doesn't matter, the broader the better, the less defined the better. makes it more galactic, more like this is gonna last beyond another four-year term. this is space shit and we are the stuff of stars. just know that we battle evil, it's always bout dat evil.

Binny receives an alarming alert in the mail, made more alarming by the fact that it's on paper in this day and age and being paper can't make the sound of an alarm. but an alarm goes off in her head.

it's a simple suggestion for the two ladies of culture, the two esteemed pillars of the community---the government or someone had been after them for some infraction they committed but for the life of me i've forgotten what that was, seems so small now in comparison---to join the effort, to fight the good fight, to be drafted into Codrus's volunteer army.

Quinny: we can't fight, dear, we're old. i know that's why you don't look in the mirror anymore but honey your wrinkles have wrinkles. spry can't hide.

Binny: denial is not a river in Egypt, that would be The Nile, and i'm not fooling myself. but i do like to think of myself as Blanche Devereaux.

Quinny: b yous more like Sophia.

Binny: fine, then i'm actually the youngest one. so they say here that we'll get typing lessons absolutely free for life, and lobster, too. LOOK! it's signed by master Codrus himself! see that John Hancock of his? it's huge! he even gave us a P.S., handwritten and everything: he says that we are invaluable, they don't make brassy broads like us anymore, we are two gals of a kind, we are unique and special, we're hard and hard to find, we're irreplaceable treasures!

Quinny: only St. Olaf can be free from Codrus's wrath now, remember that when you're in a pinch. speaking of, i hate what they do to those poor lobsters. i'm on a blind diet: i see food, i don't eat it but i eat my blind date. we already know how to type, that's part of our legend.

Binny: yes but not on a newfangled thing called a computer, that's why wiki sent us to the basement, they were ashamed of us, embarrassed for us, but we can be appreciated now. we can use our skills of memorizing and typing our thoughts paperlessly for a grander purpose than filing and filling our stomachs with the money we make at our jobs working for wikipedia. a pay check is one thing, but we can write a paycheck that Codrus can use to cash when he talks out of his ass.

Quinny: are you dense? i thought i was the dense one. a gift subsumed is a gift wasted. i like our oldfangled typewriters. who's the evil one in this fight? that poor huge monster did nothing wrong. do you hate him for his size? he's big and strange and unusual, so what? he's a Titan. size doesn't matter. Manny might just have the biggest heart in the world.

Binny: he does, literally. thankfully we didn't give Manny a chance to harm the world. the devil is a tricky one, he can seem nice and harmless. Codrus---excuse me, all hail the mighty Codrus!---took care of things in one fell swoop before things got out of hand.

Quinny: it's never that easy, the world is too complicated for one swoop before we fall, you need a coupla passes before you get to the marketing swoosh that makes us do it. and now all the power has collected into one hand. history has proven that's never good. we can relate to Codrus better cos he's one of us...i don't mean human, i mean someone of our size. size doesn't matter. and yes, there is smallness in Codrus, i can


Binny: but we've never had history like this, it's so new it's not history, it's just the story. it will never repeat again cos this is a truly new track. no more record skip.

Quinny: hate that record sound. but i love old records. and i love to record. we must always record everything so we can look back on it and learn. never stop learning. our people have been through too much to ever forget. the point is we've always survived, and it's made us stronger. that philosopher was right but we've used that power for good. they can kill us, massacre us, but we'll never stop, and we'll win with grace, the greatest power of all. you can't kill respect. you can't respec respect. you can't kill a big heart. always collect things, never burn things. be a hoarder, not a member of The Horde.

four days later things move so fast it's like stop-motion claymation. Binny and Quinny are up on the stage with Codrus and Codrus's three children and a coupla other suckers he collated for his immediate cabinet. Codrus prances them around in front of the worldwide drone cameras but makes sure they don't get a lot of attention. he does the prancercise meme on the makeshift dais set up from some pieces of the Stones culled together, holding everyone afloat on a yellow power circle of power above the mothership's nose gently peeking out from the ocean surface like a dolphin's bottle. this is one powerful stage. everyone around the world laughs warmly for no reason at the strange dance. the hipsters take off their glassless glasses and are the only ones who actually clap, they get the ancient reference.

Codrus is chewing on a Cuban cigar, not smoking it, chewing it, grinding the flakes into submission, his teeth are being coated with putrid juice and it's forming into a messy coagulation of tobacco gum.

Codrus: ladies and gentleman of the new world, i found out what the sixth one is: it was interpreted by our expert intellectuals here, Binny and Quinny. they are female i might add. it is:


*the world is completely silent. no one gets that*

Codrus:...hehehe, anyway, no, it didn't say that, that was just a joke to break the glaciers. global warming is fluid. anyway, so here they are, folks, formally meet my two right-hand bodywomen. see? i hire women, no discrimination in the new world order workplace, no need for binders, we got the new ipad air 2s. we're still working on what the writing on the header and edges mean, still working out the code, i actually think it's trying to say, and i'm not joking here, folks, that...

Quinny slaps Codrus in the mouth. Codrus falls back, tripping on his orange cape.

*stunned silence from the world*

Quinny: didn't yo mama teach you not to speak with your mouth full?



Codrus (smarting from the slap): i was sayin' women, that's what i'm all about. but they're not women, they're just people of the new one race, one gender, genderless, sexless, not sexless but y'know like no discrimination based on sex, we are all orientated around the one goal of finally FINALLY living the way human beings were supposed to, free of godawful religions and weird hampering traditions whose flags have been waved in front of our faces for too long. is anybody out there? hehehe, just yeah...i think i'll end this video sure to comment, subscribe, like, all that shit.

Codrus leaves for an appointment, an underwater appointment. he agreed to have a scuba date with Yayray to show his apprentice (that was fast!) the original site where the first half of the Stones tablets were discovered at the bottom of the ocean. the two meet aboveground, they just wave cos they can't talk to each other with their mouths full of shiny metal scuba junk, they mutually wave, and dive in together. Codrus has a whiteboard and erasable marker to write things on, Yayray forgot to bring his but is capable of speaking underwater clearly from all the Stones he's been ingesting.

Yayray: sorry, forgot mine in my other skinsuit. first-date jitters. that bulge means i have my whiteboard in my pocket...but i am also happy to see you.

Codrus (underwater bubble laugh): (writing): are you happy i controlled myself back there? that i was held back?

Yayray: well yeah, those are my aunties.

Codrus (continually erasing and writing): of course they're your aunties...of course...all for you. see in this company we care about our employees' private lives. let's take a break, the site is still miles away. let's play some golf.

Yayray: surely you must have some James Cameron underwater vehicle to get us there faster?

Codrus: surely. but it's better if we do it the old-fashioned way. otherwise there would be tourists, rides there and back for a price. this is too invaluable to be valuable. i like that the location is still somewhat secret and hard to get to, a heavily-wooded area under the sea.

Codrus sets up for his hole-in-one. his golf wiggle is him shaking his ass. he lines up, strokes his club, and......

HOLE IN ONE! that comforting sound of a putt going in the cup, that *GULP* sound, is heard only by Yayray. Codrus begins dancing his victory dance, he's doing the Harlem Shake underwater with his helmet on and looks utterly silly.

Yayray (under his scuba breath, one bubble forms and floats up): i don't know the reference but i'm thinking this guy can't be that much of a tyrant. i mean look how utterly silly he looks right now. i don't know, i dunno, i'm dunno, i'm confused, jumbled, getting the bends, but i can somehow see the future, my aunts are there, and i know that my heart will go on.

Yayray (normal breath, normal volume, actually loud as hell cos he's underwater): GOOD JOB, BOSS! YEAH! ONE TIME! IN THE HOLE!

Codrus (underneath his breath, as quiet as normal golf conditions): hehehe, he called me boss for the first time. i got him. deez nuts ha gotem. got 'im hook, line, and sssssssssss.......

JUST THEN an orange fish with white and black stripes whizzes past Codrus. the defacto leader of the free world is whipped around in the water and lands with one of his tanks on his back against a sharp rock formation. that punctures a hole in the tank. the hole is dead center in the middle of the Superman logos Codrus had decalled on his tanks. the underwater secret service is nowhere to be found.

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