Monday, February 5, 2018


post Game learned:

* Michael Jordan flu game, Pink, that's it, that's the list.

* Kevin Hart: that was an angelic rendition.
Pink: i had 20 lozenges in my mouth the whole time i was singing.
Kevin Hart: those lozenges have alcohol, right? can i have some?

* Gronk still hasn't helped the Pats to a Super Bowl chip.

* Gronk: i like chips, but i like championships more.
reporter: what are you gonna do now?
Gronk: i was thinking some sort of romance writer. i'm selling the party boat.
reporter: keep the boat, it can be your oasis, your place to get away from it all when you write.
Gronk: are you a writer or something?

* Anderson: you must have the biggest onions to try a trick play like that in the Super Bowl on 4th while ahead.
Doug: no lead is safe with the Patriots. also, it's not a Philadelphian cheesesteak without the onions.
Anderson: that was illegal formation but it was still a breathtaking play.
Doug: fake news.

* reporter: are you the worst receiver of all time?
Brady: talk to the hand.

* reporter: how do you account for all this? i mean besides religion.
Foles: Philadelphia, this one's for you. the first awning's on me.

* i want to be the guy who interviews the winning quarterback right after for those Disney ads.

* Brady: absolutely no defense in the game at all. that one move, that was it, and they made it. that strip sack will haunt me forever.
Eagles defense: come on, Tom, it's not that bad. you still have it good. join us for a celebratory sandwich, Philly-style.
Brady: what's in it?
Eagles defense: strip steak.

* Brady: nobody feels sorry for us. well, except Coach. i saw Bill crying in the foyer.

* reporter: are you gonna suddenly fall off a cliff?
Brady: nah, my wives are friends.

* Justin: the ghost of Prince came back to us! get it? with the blanket? why does everyone hate me now!?
Bieber: i'm gonna do the Half Time Show next year. no backup dancers, no band, just me on stage by myself alone spotlight on my gold teeth for 20 full minutes. we'll see how those reviews are.

* Justin: that wasn't the City of Minneapolis covering itself in purple light. that was everyone dropping their styro cup of purple drank at the same time. right into the streets like a purple-drank river. cry me a river. that song wasn't about Britney. it was about purple drank.

* Justin: there you go, kid, this selfie will stay with you forever. you'll never get more likes............wait, aren't you Backpack Kid? man, fuck this.

* the commercials were on the whole flat, lame, deadening, safe, and uninspired. they didn't really go for it, didn't get weird as in past years. most of them were promos for the Winter Olympics which while understandable blunted the proceedings. the winner for me was the suicide one. it catches you by surprise, links happy strangers together in a common terrible bond. i tried to call the number but it was busy.

* WeatherTech, why you no like rain? why you trying to protect us from rain? rain is the only thing which makes us feel alive in this cold dry world.

* here's how good an actor Eli is. Eli is actually a Shakespearean actor who trained under Martha Graham and had Michaela DePrince as a roommate. everyone is related to Prince. and that was Martha's maiden name, her surname was Manning. everyone is either a Manning, Kennedy, or Prince. see? Eli was pretending to be bad there for the joke.

* Jerry Orbach: i have no reaction to this commercial. i just want the mothership Law & Order to come back.
Eli: New York has the best hot dogs. hot dogs are sandwiches.

* those annoying Tide intervening interstitials: all that and you didn't address the elephant in the room? you should have tackled the Tide pods thing head-on, had a commercial with a dopey teen kid with tufts of hair coming out of his or her upside-down cap sprinkling detergent in his or her eggs instead of salt and an FBI Warning as the endtag.

* Kornheiser: did you know there was a Solo movie? great title, get it? solo movie.
Wilbon: another sequel? it will be as brilliantly unnecessary as Rogue One.
Kornheiser: as long as Christina Aguilera's in it i'm in the front row.
Wilbon: nobody wants to hear of your activities. full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
Kornheiser: the undiscovered country...

* no Crocodile Dundee movie? that's very cruel, i missed the Paul Hogan mania in the '80s the first time around, i was too young.

* Kurt would not be rolling in his grave. please tell me Kurt is not presently in a grave. i would have been a more well-rounded adult if i had listened in my crib to a tinny baby-song nursery-rhyme tiny-xylophone version of "Come As You Are". the Baby Mozart stuff is fine but sometimes you need alternative.

* Martin Luther King, Jr. is turning in his grave. just at the general nature of things today. and for the McRib. bring back The Boondocks! on third thought, maybe not such a good idea. Martin wasn't against Einstein, he was for Neil. he never wants Neil to retire.

* Freddie sang the most macho testosterone-raging sports-fueled jock anthem of all time. think about it, now that's Viking. this man deserved a Viking funeral.

* a road is a road is an embankment up a babbling brook is a manifesto not taken...

* the new Dorito flavor is just Nacho Cheese dipped in butter. Mountain Dew Ice tastes exactly like tap water. i choose neither. i choose for Peter and Morgan to rap in their own voices.

* i am very interested in how robots go to the bathroom.

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