Wednesday, February 14, 2018


President Bump is enjoying the dog show. he tosses a few peanuts into the well, which really riles up the prim and proper dogs.

Bump: i think i see a few of my ex-wives down there. hey who's winning this thing the suspense is killing me. this is more stressful than the Olympics which in all honesty i simply do not understand. who's that old bag who's squandering her sweet time deciding? who does she think she is, a woman of power?

Mooch: that's the head judge. pass the peanuts. the stadium is filled to capacity but the gallery cleared out when you arrived.

Bump: that always happens. no head from me. she's like a skeleton from Kentucky, i don't want to relitigate that again. hey who are those two directly opposite us looking at us queer? they look like two little old ladies.

Nikki Haley: those are the agents i assigned to your detail. they're on the case! Peter Strzok and Lisa Page.

Bump: whoa, the Strzoker! hey, why are they kissing? no smooching on the job! i don't like it when people have more fun than me.

Nikki: they're undercover. pretending they're a couple so as not to draw attention to themselves. to the fact that they're wearing FBI suits. this is my cotton candy, remember?

Nikki turns Bump's diamond ring wood with a strange saucer of wood on a stick.

Bump: but i paid for it. okay, here you go.

Nikki: if you're having trouble with the spelling call Peter Petr, more European, that's a quick out for him.

Bump: is Lisa related to that guy from Zeppelin?

Nikki: no, but i hear she likes medieval folk rock. she's a medieval Page.

Bump: whoa, the Shocker! Flynn the French-cheese one won. did not see that coming. that dog has better hair than me. Mike Flynn is really deep undercover. *shouts* don't worry, Mike, Mueller is going down! oh, by the way, i saw your picture on Wikipedia, Mike, you have a nice smile, never noticed that before, it was the first time i looked you up.

Mooch: you can stop shouting now, sir, no one heard the result.

at the New York Open:

Donald Young: what'd you call me?

Ryan Harrison: a bad tennis player. New York Open, huh? separate and apart from the U.S. Open. who knew?

Donald Young: we'll finish this conversation later like men. in the back of our apartments on our twitters.

Ryan Harrison: whoa. did you know Kevin Frazier did tennis? i guess he didn't relinquish ALL his sports cred for fluff entertainment.

Donald Young: yeah, i don't know anyone who has Tennis Channel. not even professional tennis players get Tennis Channel.

in a motel room in a modern South Korean city:

Alexa Scimeca Knierim: honey, we royally screwed that up. well, you did, i was on my lines. i know we said we're just happy to be here but once i got a taste of that ice i really wanted to do more. this trip has essentially been a waste.

Chris Knierim: sorry, dear.

Alexa: there's only one way to make it up to me. it's Valentine's Day. you promised me a baby. let's make one right here under these jade motel sheets, it's good luck. it has to be created on this one day of pure love. it's the only way to salvage this Olynpic experience, we're the only married couple in the entire Olympic Village. the Olympic way, stronger swimmers and all that. put one in me now before the room is up.

Chris: did i? can't we just be satisfied being the Kissing Couple?

Alexa strips her baubled outfit off and mounts her husband naked in nothing but her skates, the blades digging into Chris's knees.

Alexa: make me feel better, i've been sick lately.

Chris: so have i.

Chris shoots his cum all over her face.

Alexa: facial?!! i said baby!!!

Chris: give me a break, i've been sick lately. my aim is off.

Alexa: well that explains your jumps.

Chris: your face is just too cute not to honor it. that's how you honor a woman's beauty, right? i couldn't keep my cum hidden from you in you like that.

Adam Rippon enters the room then knocks.

Adam: knock knock. don't mind me, please continue with your lovers' quarrel. i am so above this drama. just came to retrieve my skates, i'm on in five.

Adam plucks the skates off Alexa's feet.

Adam: got'em. Alexa, show me sushi. just kidding.

Adam arrives just in time to see Shaun White make history. the snowboarder flings his helmet at the judges' heads and buries himself invisible in the snow after the victory. Adam retrieves him, plucks him out of the quicksand, and starts the worldwide clapping.

Adam: Shaun White, ladies and gentlemen, white gold, i love this man, i honor this man.

Adam checks the scores on his apple watch.

Adam: talk about mood whiplash.

Shaun's crying face matches his hair.

Shaun: buddy, we did it! it's over, i can retire without guilt. time to hit the gossip mags from now on. i'm gonna start up the band again. music is my real passion, i only use the halfpipe to get high.

Adam: that's a very Bad Thing.

Adam hands Shaun a drum machine.

Shaun: thanks, bruh, but i'm more into medieval folk rock.


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