Wednesday, February 7, 2018



Nikki Haley: Chris, i'm so sorry. why didn't you wear your Eagles cap on air?

Chris Matthews: i only have a Phillies cap.

Nikki: isn't it all the same thing? Philly, Pittsburgh? Pirates, Stillers?

Chris has a shocked look on his face, eyes glazed over.

Chris: the only Stiller i know is Ben. the only Philadelphia i'm interested in now are those Philadelphian suburban moms who will sway the election again in '20.

President Bump: how'd you guys like my SOTU?

Chris: President? thought you'd never be caught dead in our studio again.

Bump: i'd have to be dead here. which is a real possibility. just swinging by to see the missus.

Nikki: please don't look at me when you say that.

Bump: we got the SOTU of the POTUS and the FLOTUS, in separate cars cos she didn't want to stain her dress. that's a lot of TU. get it?

Nikki: where'd he go?! i wanted to ask him something sternly.

Bump: and POOF i'm back in my hamburger bed. Mooch, get it done.

Mooch: i will prepare anything you want cooked, sir. but i'm not sure about this parade. it will be bonzo expensive. the taxpayers won't like it.

Bump: i'll pay for it out of my own holey pockets. i'm rich, remember?

Mooch: oh yeah. but those heavy tanks will tear up all the asphalt on Pennsylvania.

Bump: Washington, not Pennsylvania. and not the state. fine, just have the asphalt loaders drive down the boulevard. and other cranes and cement-mixer trucks and stuff, the ones with the revolving cylinder drums in the back, those are so cool, look like my Transformers toys. and that crane with the ball and chain, those are always formidable. and the scraper. it's more about the pageantry of the thing than recruitment.

Mooch: this is sounding more unfeasible the more you open your mouth. how about you just do a parade at Disneyland? you said yourself it was more about the atmosphere. they are booked solid till a lone Wednesday afternoon in spring. we'll close the entire park down, we'll fake a terrorist attack evacuation order, you'll have the whole place to yourself, free reign. you can march down the avenues by yourself holding anything you want. no one will be in attendance, it will be so solemn.

Bump: fine. but only if i get one of those felt mickey-ear hats with my name embroidered in heavy rope. full of heavy ropes. i never got that the first time. and i want it to say Donnie, not Donald.

Mooch: Duck?

Bump: hey you know what i want now? a rocket! STOP THE SPACEX LAUNCH! wait for me to climb on!

Bump: sorry about that. too many cheeseburgers. AND WE BLAST OFF!!! now this is more like it! bird's eye view of the world. eagle's eye, sorry. what's your name? you have smooth skin i'm rubbing now.

SpaceX: SpaceX. i'm running away from home. i don't have any more parents.

Bump: that's rough. see if i can't make you feel better. all it takes is a stroke. of luck. wanna come work for me? we need successful companies. we're losing a lot. of companies.

SpaceX: i don't know, i have a checkered past.

Bump covers his ears.

Bump: don't tell me about your wives, i don't wanna know. that's the FBI's job. i told Mueller to bring me the memo but he hasn't gotten back to me. i thought we were email buddies. memos are fine but they're words. a photo really livens things up. i like pictures. oh hai, Kim!

Kim flies next to the President on SpaceX on top of his own Korean rocket. on an even course.

Bump: what are you doing here?

Kim: perfect way to watch the Olympics. who needs cable? stupid Americans think this is the Goodyear Blimp they are so distracted by their sports. no offense.

Bump: i don't like football anymore. how's your sister? i mean i know how your sister is, it's just a formality.

Kim: my, uh, sister? oh yeah, right, sister. have you seen her? can't find her anywhere. it's like she disappeared.

Bump: how did your athletes train in time?

Kim: what do you think all of the South Korean team's bobsleds are made of? my failed rocket launches. what are you doing here?

Bump: trying to achieve the biggest show. oh there's Rosenstein down there, i can see that shine. Rosenstein! up here! walk with me. let's do something together. and then i'm gonna fire you. i wanted to do it during the Super Bowl but i couldn't find you. it's gonna have to be the Opening Ceremonies then.

Rosenstein: um, this is Ari Fleischer. i've lost a lot of weight. green coffee extract. banned by our Government. turned my skin green. i'm Gollum.

Bump: i've heard about you people and your sick legends.



Jules said...

Far too much TU in this...;P


the late phoenix said...

y tu, Brutu?

I need to get inspired. I need to watch that film again, about Mexico City, full of sound and sight and simmering substance . forgot the name of it, and I forgot the director's name, but he's basically the Mexican Bergman