Hilary stumbles around the platform with space rain running down her cheeks. she spots a portal and walks slowly towards it. it's bright blue and just small enough...
the portal though seems to be moving toward her.
the Pope: you attract. i can't quite place why.
Hilary: you misunderstand me, rulers. o how i wanted to rule. i've seen other timelines. i've been in some. there is one where he wins and isn't an idiot. he shines yellow each day. but at night he shines blue. there is rampant destabilization of structure and war on the streets. hark, i see one now...
Rudy in full battalion gear and a goofy hat jumps out of the portal and is ready to shoot with his weird crooked lazer before the Pope decks him with her gold spit in his face. he is leveled so hard he squawks like a penguin on impact.
the Pope: that's how you take care of an asshole. wipe it.
Rudy: *stars and chickens racing round his head* ow. my head. what happened? what year is this? what is time? who am i?
the Pope: do you know who the President is?
Rudy: Mickey J. Bump. i bumped my head pretty good.
Hilary: the worst part of it is this means adult swim will order another season of MDE Million Dollar Extreme. world peace my ass! which you can't see cos of the pantsuit.
the Pope raises two fingers to bless but instead touches Hilary's two fingers.
the Pope: trust me. she has a nice ass. nice and contoured and surprisingly toned for a grand ma.
Hilary: i hate-watched that show for research. Sam Hyde is the most disgusting brilliant comedian out there. going against the grain my hidden ass. it's all a joke, right?
Lieu: not sure. that's the genius. i'm not in the demographic but i am hypnotized by how well-done it is. very visual and crisp writing. i got seduced by the art of it.
Hilary faints and falls into the sturdy hands of her paramour.
the Pope: trust in the church for steady leadership. Jesus is king no matter who's President. and i'm his queen. or something. don't worry, i'm not cheating on you.
Hilary grabs a hold of the Pope's right cheek and massages it, covering the Pope's eyes with her crooked fingers.
Hilary: it just wasn't meant to be. for me. but it was never about me. i see that now. give 'em hell, mah dahlin. woman-scorned kind of hell. i need to hike some trails.
the Pope: you're guilty of many things, mah dahlin. but the most egregious is the fact that you have just the most miserable timing of all time.
Lieu slips Hilary, now an ordinary star in the sky, a cassette tape.
Lieu: music for the road. some traveling beats to keep you company so you don't get too beaten.
Hilary enters the portal and slips away...
...TO THE TUNES OF THIS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.
Plato on a distant planet starts bobbing his head to this, crossing his arms and jumping over his cape.
the Pope: *handwave* i shall see you again, my love. odds, right? quick, dude, let's enter before this platform disappears.
Lieu: oh shit. i gave Hilary the wrong tape. it was supposed to be my new mixtape. she having all those connections to QVC and all.
the workers are getting restless, the sun beating down on them without the protection of the earth.
workers: we are not worthy to look upon the face of our gods. except to ask a favor: please god get us out of here! we are workers, we work, that's what we do, we don't die. we're melting!
Fuerza cackles and handwaves casually.
Codrus: i call this one the electric servant slide.
Codrus gleefully takes a hold with both hands of one side of the celestial platform and shakes the monumental rectangle until all of the poor workers have slid and fallen back down to Earth to their crispy gravitational net.
Cotard: not cool, man. i could at least see the gleam of the moon in their eyes as they fell. moon is mooninite for hope.
Fuerza: the moon is actually just a big-ass round of Babybel cheese.
Codrus: you see too much bright side in things, lil bro.
Lieu: why you dancin', old timer!
the old man stops and laughs.
Herlina: *breathless* ...Lieu? is that you?...............just a ghost...of happier times...
Herlina's body sits on the dusty deserted deforested forest preserve of the barren planet.
Hilary is being flung all around time and space in the hole which has decidedly gone more blue than black. she's having a great time despite the circumstances. then she bumps into Theo Epstein.
Hilary: congrats, Theo. i'd put on my Cubs cap but my ass isn't big enough to hold a cap in my backpocket. everyone now is a closet Cubs fan. it's like when i manned the phone banks and talked to the shy Tories. asked them who they were voting for. they were always so shy on the phone and never said anything. at least they didn't lie.
Theo: thanks. got any pointers?
Hilary: i think you're doing pretty well without me, kid. Red Sox AND Cubs?! you really want my advice?
Theo: uh not really, but how was it when you first moved in? did you get that deer-in-the-headlines sickness that everyone gets when they first step foot in the Oval Office?
Hilary: WAIT, I WAS PRESIDENT IN A TIMELINE?!!!
Theo: yep, mine. i succeeded you. i am President Theo...
Hilary: yeah yeah i don't care about that. bless you for jumpstarting the old gal. i could just kiss you! that wouldn't technically be cheating, right?
Theo: a shake will suffice. in my timeline Earth is called Unit.
Theo: and the clever thing we're doing now is flying to the moon.
Hilary: yeah everyone does that.
Theo: except our moon isn't a moon but a twin planet on the other side of the galaxy. that's how our universe is held up, from these heavenly bodies' positive and negative energies. unfortunately we were stuck with the bad vibes. we must escape soon, our planet's destruction is imminent.
Hilary: ain't that always the way?
Theo: uh, here's my stop, Kop. nice speaking with you, ma'am.
Hilary: what a nice jewish boy. did you say cop?
Theo: that's how it's pronounced in its native language.
the Sandpiper has crashed on the planet Kop. it was too much for the old girl. all the sleepless eatless gasless nights finally caught up with her. the trio of brave female souls are laid out bare spreadeagle on the planet's brown surface, struggling to survive.
Herlina: i'm so sorry, sisters. i failed you. i was too much into the vacation of it. i lost my virginity.
Harfi and Carmen: TO STARSCREAM!!! OH GIRL!!!
Herlina: first time's always painful, right? no amount of research could have saved us.
Harfi: yeah well my instincts are keenly telling me that we fucked. look around. it's a wasteland out here.
Carmen: trust in the witch's way, ladies. wicca will kicka. we are emotional so we can feel out strange environments and hone in on the pockets of benevolence. the source. the source is always good. why i feel it now. my senses work even if my arms don't. yes. it's a good thing that we see brown everywhere. it's not dead. just the opposite. it's beginning. it's new soil rich in nutrients. the green is still underground waiting to sprout up. this is a baby planet, the younger brother.
Herlina: I SEE COWS! why do i always see cows?
a herd of cows with one horn come bursting through the rolling dirt hills and make a sudden stop by the damaged women, sniffing them out before ignoring them and grazing around them.
Harfi: what are they eating?
Herlina: maybe they're on a diet. i can relate. who's that old man one of the cows is riding in on?
Plato: i'm not being ridden. well i was but i was dancing the caterpillar underneath. that was my secret revenge. you guys don't hear that? the music?..................*awkward pause*............anyway my name is Plato.
Herlina: you eat off plates?
Plato: what is that? no, no, we eat with our hands. you're late. please join the others.
Herlina: you can't be real. stuff in books is just that, stuff in books. you're probably just my death throes or another hologram.
Plato: fascinating. so you see me as a hologram? well that works, too. you didn't get the memo?
Carmen: maybe we did and maybe we didn't. haven't had time to check instagram accounts on account of crashing.
Harfi: that's a good thing. fuck instagram and the phones it inspired. you're gonna have to transport us, we're injured beyond repair. can you help us, sir? goddammit! i hate that! y'know what, forget it, leave us to perish with our honor.
Plato: oh i see. you're soldiers of some kind. with weird armor. that's hot. take off that armor i say. get naked. war is bullshit. we've had a couple battles to start things off, get the ball rolling, just to see if we'd like them. they become messy and uncontrollable real quick. even with ironclad treaties. forged in iron. that's why the cows are here. to take you home. climb under them. the trick is to make them think they're in control.
and the three little women cried WE WE WE all the way home.
Plato: you three are all taller than me. but anyway. come. come inside my cave and let me show you my secrets. it's not as dirty as it sounds. in fact it's quite clean in there.
the fighting quarry next to the cave entrance is where the feminine trio to their utter shock and bemusement find Starscream, Galen, the Klingon guy, and the polar bear, uh, wampa, all twiddling their thumbs. the wampa has an extra thumb to balance things out. the Klingon dude is missing a thumb proudly.
Harfi: secrets to what?
Plato: life of course. right? i mean what the hell are we? what on earth is going on?
Harfi: nothing going on earth anymore.
Plato: i know, it's just an expression. isn't knowledge all?
Harfi: nope. i want food.
Plato: thank you. your first test. you ladies are strarving. it would be easy after what you've been through to exact revenge on the cows and meat up. like with my magic.
Galen: or my dark-apprentice lightsaber which can cut through black armor...
Carmen: oh honey, you mean dark meat, right?
Galen: oh, hi. uh, yes, right.
Plato: ...but i challenge you to outlast. wait. you'll see. you'll overcome. your hunger pangs will subside. you'll forget you were ever hungry. and your mind will turn to more important matters. a starved mind is an eager mind.
Plato: me again? okay, this is my cave...as you can see, i've gathered all of you here, protagonists and antagonists, to see if we can get a good ol' Greek play going. it's the new sensation. it's all the rage. even though rage is bad. i love playing checkers with you guys' lives.
Harfi: don't you mean chess? pawns and all?
Plato: what is that? no, the closest we come to chess is we play checkers really slowly. don't you want to come inside? it's too windy out here. i got air conditioning in there.
Harfi: i like the wind. i can achieve the windswept look that's impossible to duplicate in the salon.
Plato: but you're bald! what do you take me for?! inside my cave you'll notice yourself starting to worship shadows cos shadows are the only thing you know. as you come to learn that they are indeed just shadows, you'll want the source better and you'll worship the light, uh, well you'll see the light. Starscream, you're up first. let the ladies rest. what is your most desirous desire?
Starscream: i want to fuck Arcee. i really want to lay the metal to her. i want to get in all her exhaust pipes and turn the key in her trunk. i want to give her my own personal carwash. my piston down there is rusted shut from disuse. i want to fuck her so hard we have children, which is impossible and a sacrilege. the pitter-piston of little robot feet will surely get us thrown into some Cybertronian furnace. but that furnace won't be hotter than our sex. oh hello my dear Herlina, didn't notice you.
Plato: enter the cave and when you reach the end turn around and face the wall. wait to see the shadow. i gotta get my marijuana lighter ready. see it? what do you see on the cave wall?
Starscream: yeah, it's an RC remote control car.
Plato: exactly. next. what do you see?
Galen: i choose to close my eyes. the Sith, i mean my sis, teaches that the truth is within.
Plato: oh you're no fun. but you are correct. and i would like to meet your sister. how did you know?
Galen: Star Wars is my favorite movie. got the ball rolling for me. rolled into a giant round in space. kinda campy but the ideas are sound. see? pop culture is a good thing.
Plato: agreed. but we just call it culture. culture is a good thing. next! what do you see?
Pu: i am a Klingon by the name of Pu.
Plato: *snickering* poo.
Pu: that's what i would like to talk to you about today, doc. i desperately need to change my name. the guys at work are making fun of me.
Plato: how about pi? i'm working that number out as we speak. the first number is 3. and that's as far as i've gotten. i put a period after the 3.
Pu: how do you spell it?
Plato writes in the sand like Jesus did that one time.
Pu: that spells PEE!
Pu races out of the cave. the light blinds his eyes. his forehead ridges can't protect him.
Pu: you idiot! you'll be hearing from the Council about this! where's my lawyer?!
Plato: oh, you messed up the test. you stepped on the Baby Ruth bar. i was gonna drop the chocolate in the cave lake and have you go retrieve it.
Pu: i ate my baby Ruth. it's the custom. but don't tell my wife. i also ate the family lawyer. why is your sun so bright? i don't remember Earth being this inhospitable.
Plato: i know. it's not Earth's sun, it's this planet's sun. which is brighter. cos we're the bigger brother. next. oh you're the Cumberbitch, huh? where's my money, bitch?
Cumberbitch the wampa hands Plato a trillion-dollar bill.
Plato: didn't know plants were this lucrative.
Cumberbitch: pot law just got passed. my cave is a gold mine!
they slap backs and Plato puts his marijuana lighter to good use.
Plato: i know how that is. heehee. *sluuuuuuuuurpppppppppp* ah. yeah. this is my kind of stick. i hate using sticks for mathematics, it's too damn hard! alright man, you done. that's it. hey hey hey come back, why is Bart Simpson on the front of this bill?
Cumberbitch: hey man i just know my local dealer, not the boss. he got it from Zimbabwe, okay?
Harfi: take me to your cave, i dare you. drag me by the, wherever. i already know what i see: cow jerky!
Carmen: *hand* hold up, sis. the man has a point. but we have a pointy hat. if we relax, breathe in and take in the sights. that's it. that's it. wait, i think...
Carmen: i just, yeah, there it was, i felt better for a millisecond. i thought i saw a ufo in the sky.
Plato: you felt, that's the key. you didn't think. the thing existed in the space when you weren't thinking. that light was a portal.
Carmen: Harfi, next time the light comes on, shoot it down and we'll slather it all over our bodies.
Harfi: i would but i can't feel my arms.
Herlina: why don't i ever get invited to the cool parties?!
Plato: *pointing* your butt is glowing!
the aquamarine gem in Herlina's backpocket does indeed shine.
Plato: hey can i use that as my rock spark? i used up all my fluid.
Herlina: gross. get your hands off me!
Plato: that's good. always be assertive like that. don't let a former teacher boss you around. that was your second test. or third, whatever. but seriously got a light?
Plato: me again? smoking, sorry. got my full hands. no, no, it can't be that easy. Fuerza gets bored easily. it gets revealed in layers like the peels of an orange. confession time: i don't know what an orange is. our climates are more prone to grapes.
Carmen: we are famished but we are full. we will think past this time to when we can feel again.
Herlina: how now brown cow?
cow: hello. nobody's ever talked to us like that before.
the cow extends her hoof to Herlina.
cow: my name's Pink actually. Brown's my brother.
Herlina: i didn't want to talk, i wanted to dance. my arms don't work.
and Herlina dances with all 13 of the cows in a circle, lifting their collective legs to the sky, kicking it.
Harfi: oh shit. dont tell me we have to eat shit again.
Plato: no. it's cud. the cud needs to form. the dancing helps expedite.
the cows all throw up in Herlina's mouth.
Herlina: the fuck?
Pink: sorry, you looked like one of us. it's faster this way. i suppose you could form the cud into a round of cheese. but the fermentation takes longer.
Herlina quickly snowballs the rest of the liquid cud into the mouths of Carmen and Harfi and enjoys that quite a bit. the sisters are healed.
Plato: see? patience. not following your first instinct. conquering your fear and your famine. vegans unite!
the sisters stare Plato down with a dirty look.
Carmen, Harfi, and Herlina: too soon.
Plato: *puts down his raised fist* no? i thought that's what women liked. all women are vegans, right? i hang around men all day. the women seem to disappear during the day. rumor is they're starting a brand new religion called yoga. we get a new religion everyday.
Carmen: same with us. group hug. *group hug*. retinue of ravishing, i love you.
Herlina: love you.
Harfi: love you.
Pink: keep your udders pink!
Harfi: i feel better but our ship's still hurtin'.......................hey where's our ship?!
Plato: decimated. deci-? huh. you ladies aren't going anywhere. you're stranded, uh, i mean welcome home! your vacation just became permanent.
Carmen: i'm trying not to think about it.
Herlina: what did you say the name of this planet was again?