you ever wonder why there are no zombies in space?
cos God said so.
Starscream slashes into the bar on Luna Amazon Prime, the secret Jetsons dome base that was supposed to be the launch of Bump's real estate career once he became President and finally had the time to do it, to spread his influence post-Earth. that never happened. now there are a bunch of flying KGB agents in jetpacks taking down the BUMP, saving the P and the U, and putting PUTIN up on all the buildings.
Starscream: *in a drunk robotic voice that sounds like the first modem's whoosh* i'm lookin' to spill some drinks.
barkeep android in a tiny hat: don't you mean dranks? you've been rejected.
Starscream: but i got my good kilt on and everything. can't you hook me up with some files?
barkeep takes off his tiny hat.
barkeep: you found me out. i work for Putin. or rather Putin hasn't killed me yet. here. we got nothing to lose now. fuck it right in the cat for all of us.
Starscream: here's to diversity.
and he flies off on his rockets.
after a few loops around immediate space, Starscream flies back to the resort in a depressed mood. he scoots next to a loungechair and a big weed hat. it's Herlina!
Starscream: nice chaise. what are you doing here? vacation?
Herlina: in a way. i was ordered to do some research. we had forgotten about this base that survived the explosion.
Starscream: yes. and we're using it for football games and golf courses.
Herlina: i can reimagine it now:
Carmen took me to the side on one of the few occasions Harfi actually took a catnap:
Carmen: darlin' remember, no matter what happens out there, it's just reality. and reality is forever compromised. our home is no more. we now have so much freedom it tears at our fabric. we can create whole worlds in our heads. now is the time to dig in and really live inside that MMORPG world. it's not an escape once you buy a house and a dog and a wife and a wooden sword from the blacksmith there. i now understand the appeal of video games. more than ever. and i only had to open my two eyes. it's okay, video games teach hand-eye coordination which is important when we get into our many space battles. i see now. deep-dive, my sister, deep-dive into that hole.
Herlina: i really need to get outside and away from my watch.
Herlina: and we landed here. so we basically came back. round trip. full circle. decimating any progress we made. but maybe the answer lies in the opposite direction. really spent a lot on spent fuel. but whatevs, energy isn't a problem anymore.
Starscream: my darling Herlina, i can see past your fat rolls cos your personality is so pure, like the diesel on Melania Prime. please let me take you out. i've reformed and i'm not just talking about my new chassis. i am just really horny.
Herlina: they say the Zero Inquisition was held here. i remember i was conscripted at that time against my will so i never knew where i was but, wait, that stalk of flowing wheat! i remember it from before. well whaddaya know. it's still here. i'll never forget that flow, like it had not a care in the universe except to be what it was, a source. it's gotten a little older, it has some snow on top, but it's that staff of life. do you happen to have any information on what went down here?
Starscream: as a matter of fact i do! *hands her the files* your puny little human secrets are our robotic computer games and game-show entertainments.
Herlina stares at her watch for what seems like hours. cos it is in fact hours.
the Zero Inquisition was a clandestine meeting held at a specified date. it was held at the spot the Luna Base is now, at an open-air Roman cathedral chipped away at the edges by Voltron lion paws. Fuerza sat at her throne with her sons unruly Codrus and sedated Cotard by her side. the topic of astronomical importance to reality and beyond on the menu today:
why are there no zombies in space?
Fuerza: *with a flick* cos i said so. zombies are yucky. they're like worms to me, all squiggly and creeply-crawly and disgusting. zombies are unnatural. zombies can't be, it would mess up the whole living to die and dying to live heaven/hell thing i invented. immortality is deathly boring, believe me.
Codrus: cool story, bro. i mean, mom.
Cotard: have a heart, mother. reconsider. zombies are vibrant and interesting. they're not scary, they just want to live and provide for their families. brains are a delicacy on the Outer Rim. make them real and not just part of a cool show.
Fuerza: you guys have zombies on Earth? eeeekkk!!! i haven't checked in in awhile cos i don't care about your planet. i think that crowd's a bad influence on you, mijo.
Cotard: they're not real, mama, only fictional.
Fuerza: and that's how they'll stay. i forget sometimes that the imagination and reality are the same thing. time for some refreshment. bring out the court jester to remind me that even a queen dies, too. *to the camera* 'cept i don't.
the robot guards bring out Hilary in chains. for the first time anyone can remember the crowd gathered sees her in a green dress, a bright verdant green stemming from her royal lineage. she is in tears but they are defiant tears. she is on her knees and moving her mouth to remember her off-the-cuff speech when she suddenly points at a lowly anonymous guard in the files of crowds. it's Herlina, a person no one knew or cared about.
Hilary hands Herlina a file.
Fuerza: never mind.
Herlina: okay. *looks and reads*: you have new elected representatives. click here to find out more about them. i'm not gonna do this! it's just a fatal link to your website. i don't want to get on the hilarywithonel.com. i support you fully but once you get on any sort of list they gotcha forever.
Hilary's face turns verdant red as she struggles to get up from her heavy irons. she looks directly at the flying spinning drone in front of her and gives it a death stare. then she turns to Fuerza and gives her a patented bitchy icy glare. she lunges and runs towards Fuerza with a quickness.
Fuerza: guards. i mean never mind.
Hilary runs right up to Fuerza, gets in Her face, and snatches Fuerza's lapel microphone from her. she returns to the drone camera.
Hilary: *apple-red tears running down her cheeks* let me tell you something. i'm sick of this shit. to all the girls out there, those who worked on my campaign and those who did not, when you're walking down the street today in a loose dress and feel a whisper campaign breathing down your neck, you turn around and you don't let any man, machine, or ogre bully you out of your dream. keep dreaming. your dream is yours. your dream makes you strong. your dream is the doll you played with as a little girl. in your room having tea all alone. you're the little girl who gets whupped and hits back.
Hilary makes a fist and punches the glass of the camera.
it is here that Hilary first notices her love in the crowd, the Pope. in slo-mo the Pope claps and wipes away tears. Hilary pans up and notices that the tiara the Pope always wears is not dotted with swarovski diamond shards but actually shards of glass piercing into the Pope's skull. the blood bubbles on the Pope's head were not cardinal feathers. that's good.
Hilary: you are not of crystal but a real gem. that is your crown of thorns.
the Pope: mah dahlin i have loved you for a very long time. take a look at our scrapbook. it's filled with photos suctioned on of me and you at various political rallies and events. i'm always the one with the Hilary shirt and you wear the blue headbands for her. i never fit into those tiny shirts by the way.
Hilary: cos you're hot.
the Pope: that's why i've always been by your side. i'm not in love with you. i'm in love with your cause. i mean i am in love with you, but it's more, it's something bigger. than the both of us. but not bigger than my tits.
the two embrace with a fierce hug that the crowd can't remember either ever witnessing. they kissed and fucked but never just hugged.
Hilary points at Herlina in the crowd and tells her, "little girl, carry on my legacy. don't shatter, vote."
the Pope: don't worry. i'll run after you *she grabs Hilary by the hand and embraces her out* i'll be so liberal i'll be the first atheist pope. that's the only way to combat this. far extreme vs. far extreme to get to the centrist.
Hilary: there may not be a next time.
the Pope: it's the effort that counts. Sisyphus.
Hilary: bless you. you sneezed, right? need a tissue?
the Pope: i always need a tissue.
Hilary points back at Fuerza.
Hilary: fuck you, my lord. you don't determine who i become.
Fuerza: but i do.
Hilary: you are not my kind of woman! you are of the patriarchy. i hope someone is listening out there. in the far reaches of space. heed my warning. make the call. i know there's a woman out there who will be the true leader of us all.
Herlina: and that's when my president pointed at me again. it made me feel special. seen.
Starscream tuned out an hour ago and is lying spreadeagle and naked in the artificial sun on the chaise lounge. his nose is grey with a dollop of a mixture of white cream and sand on his nose.
Herlina is tempted to pick off the stalk of wheat but she decides against it.
Hilary: you with the stalk. i'm trying to reach out to people who don't look like me at all. we all must. i'm an old granny. i hate the internet. i don't insta. i still scrapbook.
Fuerza: well, that was funny.
Lieu busses up the party.
Lieu: i'm with you. except i'm for the President's wife in 2020. now how bout we add some flavor to this shindig? cuffs on my feet? ain't nuttin' i haven't felt before. they make me dance better. see we appropriating all the culture. nothing is off-limits now. when you have to win a war you gotta get your hands dirty, not like some bumps of garlic we have now.
Cotard: war is dead but the undead war is just beginning.
Lieu: now divine ladies and gentlemen, sit back and let your dj on this stormy night quietly entrance your senses and hit you up with the hypno hype on a long groove. we do it better:
CLICK HERE FOR THE VINYL RECORD THAT SPINS IN THE SPACE SKY
everyone, god and soldier alike, juts their torsos in and out. except Codrus who does the mannequin challenge.
Lieu: fabulous fabulous. feeling tired and sick? here is the refreshments. my own specialty when i had to learn how to survive on my own on the streets of the aquarium. black ink pasta. there you go, madam Goddess.
Fuerza: that's god to you. i'll try it. i love all my bastard children.
Lieu: and some black lasagne for you, sir.
Codrus: black is my favorite color.
Lieu: see? i knew i knew that about you! coming together, man, all coming together.
Lieu: oh and you, well, you my brother, we jus' cool.
Lieu fist-bump-explodes the monk and the two do a pat-around their backs.
Cotard: i tried to dance. but i literally can't move.
Lieu: it's good exercise, my man. see you soon when you move.
Herlina: i've taken that to heart ever since.
Herlina: and i had a bleeding heart. from being overweight. i've since come to have a different relationship with food. as in, like take those two cows grazing over there on the fields by the beach. before i would look at those cows and see nothing but a glass quart of milk and a double burger. or maybe a steak with a tail. but now i'm learning to see the meat as an animal, a living breathing soul, an entity that deserves this space and time as much as i do. my womens is learning me. i've become a guardian, not a gobbler.
Herlina sits up and takes off her shade. she's hungry. she looks deeply into the cow's stomach and can see the blue fire blazing within. the blue light emerges like a pointer of blue clay out the cow's tail and a blue aura forms separate from the beast, a beautiful facsimile that is thin and transparent but powerful.
Herlina: whoa. the soul. i saw the cow's soul. the soul looks just like a hologram.
Starscream: um, excuse you, little lady, the cow's eyes are up here.