Wednesday, October 26, 2016


the Sandpiper is rocked by a series of blasts in the night which affect its inner shell.

Carmen: *woke* how dare they hit us when we're sleeping. that is my prime conjuring time.

Herlina: beauty rest.

Harfi: i don't sleep. flashbacks and such.

it's Starscream. it's always Starscream. bothering the ladies again.

Starscream laughs in a way that is both rote robotic and human annoying.

Starscream: give up yet, beauties?

Carmen: in your dreams.

Starscream: don't mean anything by it. i say beauty cos i'm from Australia.

Carmen: yeah right! i know a good fake Australian accent, i use one!

Herlina: we'll never surrender! if we ever do it will be to Megatron, who's handsomer.

Harfi: space is making you tougher.

Herlina: i just needed time. i don't play for that side so i can go all out.

Starscream: you don't like robots? what woman doesn't like robots! look i've hit a dry spell lately and i'm looking to mingle. there are plenty of stars in the sea my dear mother used to tell me. before you make fun, yes, she did look exactly like me except she wore a brown wig. i've got you surrounded. my finger plugs up all your holes. it's not as creepy as it sounds. my finger is where i keep my laser gun. merely go on a date with me all three of you and i choose my bride.

Harfi: you predator!

Starscream: hey don't bring the Predacons into this, they're innocent. *robotic laugh* why do you think i dropped out of school, much to my dear mother's chagrin, she wigged out, in order to join the academy and toil there for all-spark knows how long climbing the fucking steel ladder until i made my way from junior grade to ensign to the boss's right hand? why do desperate men do such things? cos they're desperate. they can't find a date on their own. but when they're attached to a corporation they automatically gain power and are allowed a state-sanctioned harem for "research on these humans' habits."

Carmen: we're keeping quiet like good little women and letting you hang yourself.

Starscream: i can't be hung. metal neck. you have until midnight...*transforms into a jet and flies off*

Herlina: wait! we can't tell if it's midnight in the blackness of space! our watches......


at yoga, our three heroines huddle up and plan.

Herlina: it's as cold in here as out there. let's really touch skins here, ladies. where's the quilt?

Harfi: burned it in the fire for heat. as you can see, our cauldron is not coven-ready for three such dignified witches as ourselves. which is why i called this powwow. we really need to make a decision, girls.

Carmen: tell me about it. talk about the worst first date ever. i'm actually thinking of going back to

Harfi: no. look in the back of me.

Herlina: nice butt.

Harfi: there are exactly five pipes and two sheets of thin tungsten and one chassis of assorted electronics. these are our only spare parts. we can only make one of three things with them.

Carmen cracks an egg on the floor of the ship, hot enough now that they're coasting under a crescent sun.

Carmen: the egg is a double yolk! i vote we go for my new oven. we need to eat. we can't rely on space plants anymore, they could be poisonous, we need to make sure we fry the hell out of our foods.

Harfi: *holding her nose* double meaning. no, you rely too much on that superstitious nonsense. you use an egg instead of your rational mind everytime we need to make a hard decision. don't be like William Shatner. it's never a good idea in general to be like William Shatner. and you stink!

Herlina: who, me? i don't smell it.

Carmen: i didn't want to say anything, but you do, dear. you gunna be a sloppy wife. when was the last time you washed your towels?

Herlina: you're supposed to wash your towels? okay, i vote for a washing machine with the parts. y'know i didn't start feeling ripe until you pointed it out to me. now i'm really starting to get itchy skin and a film has developed around my eyes.

Harfi: good short-term but don't you want to get the hell out of here?

Carmen: to where?

Harfi: at least away from that tricky transformer, that rude robot, that dastardly decepticon. we'll worry about the details later. grand vision. overall picture, gotta always think big. we're stuck in this squadron of the galaxy cos we got no warp drive. i can fashion a more powerful engine with the parts and attach it to our butt. the ship's butt.

Herlina: i like butts. *Tina gurgle*

Harfi: incoming transmission. what do we do, captain?

Carmen: who, me? i keep forgetting. hail them. wait, let me hail them.

Carmen performs a small weather spell that shoots a hail of hail into Starscream's face.

Starscream: ooooh, white snow. i love this stuff. reminds me of home. with mother. knock knock, i'm here for my dates!

Herlina: too soon. you're back? already? stop harassing us!

Starscream: but it's midnight. don't you have a watch? i hacked your computer and you guys have yoga at 11:30. makes perfect sense. aligning with the moon and such. took me awhile to get out here with all that traffic, you guys live in the boondocks. Milky Way time. no more daylight savings, since there are no more days. as long as that blasted do-gooder Optimus Prime drinks a tall glass of milk each morning the universe runs on time. i can't stand when he turns to the center of the galaxy and shows everyone his pearly whites, his smile dripping with froth. i wore my top hat and tails. well okay my tails got incinerated by the afterburners on my back.

Carmen: there's no time, women. but remember, we're always connected.

Starscream: who's first? i reserved a special place atop the abandoned Jetsons apartments, the revolving restaurant, which doesn't revolve anymore, my favorite spot in space, overlooking the nothingness.

Herlina: *raises her hand* um, i guess me. but i get to choose the music.


Starscream: what're you drinkin'?

the drone, rewired to look like a slender female shape, flies to the table to take the order.

Herlina: better not. psychiatrists are so expensive. oil can for him, please.

Starscream: belay that order!

hot drone: fillet? you want fillet? space fish are a delicacy after the collapse of McDonald's.

Starscream: no. what do you take me for? i don't drink oil.............i drink water and stuff............*takes a sip of water*....................we only bathe in oil....................i saw Arcee in the bath once.......she was completely naked........

Herlina: how can you tell?

Starscream:..........storing that image in my permanent harddrive......ooooh, shiny! what's that gem on your necklace? it's quite fetching. rocks to us are like metals to you. no rock is useless. especially one that glows so.

Herlina: like hell i'm telling you. not everything is for sale. all you need to know is it's a piece of junk that holds sentimental value for us forlorn earthers. can we please not talk anymore? i'm just waiting for my laundry to dry.


Starscream: how's your kahwah?

Carmen: it's pronounced qehwa.

Starscream: i can't position my mouth in such a way as to be able to pronounce that. cheers. why'd you bring your computer along? all that typing tapping is distracting. it's like you don't want to be here with me. you got somewhere else to be?

Carmen: no but i'm working on it.

the cats jump onto the keyboard and hit Carmen's hand hard with their heads. there's no way she can get any work done. the cats jump onto Starscream's face.

Starscream: blast! what are these furballs doing here? i'm allergic to cat dander!

Carmen: i'm trying to devise starmaps but it's impossible when there's no starting point. i'm finding more and more my intuition guiding us, not machines.

Starscream: that's machinist. my cousin is a machinist.

Carmen: eh, i might as well get some blogging done. the last couple of entries in my travel blog'll indulge an ol' reminiscing earther? yes i remember now. Burnside Bridge.

Starscream: Burnside's Bridge? i studied your profile.

Carmen: both of 'em. and the Bridge of Sighs. i'm a bridge person. i want to build bridges from now on after my past. ooooooh my past. i'd tell you about it sometime but, eh, you can just download it.

Starscream tries to sigh but can't.


Harfi approaches the date a little differently. she eats all the dead ferns in the place and straps her laser gun to her crotch, pointing it squarely at Starscream's face the entire time.

Starscream: that's hot. you're scrappy.

Harfi: at least you didn't say spunky. i like the atmosphere here, very postapocalyptic.

Starscream: why thank you. i especially like the no lights. sets the mood.

Harfi: what are you doing?

Starscream: my fingers can light up like sparklers. in case you wanted a change in mood lighting. i'm thinking of going into politics.

Harfi: you got the rigging for it. run for president, that's the only one that matters.


Starscream: meh. i like the atmosphere but i'm not a fan of confident women.

Harfi: isn't she awesome! she speaks to us. we're out here forging a new identity, a new culture. we are bred on the classics and now must compose our own music of the spheres. none of us know the lyrics cos you should have seen what Herlina did to the booklet with this kick-ass babe on the cover.

Starscream: speaking of....wasn't she supposed to.....

Harfi:...........uh..............hey look outside! it's snow! your favorite.

Carmen conjures up another hail storm from the ship.

Starscream: yeah. neato. gotta start thinking about what i'm gonna get Megatron for Cybertron Christmas.

Harfi:............uh.........yeah so.........did you hear about what happened to Earth? our home exploded.

Starscream: a little bit. i believe it was in the back-pages of the sunday express. i love reading the extended sunday paper.

Harfi: now?

Starscream: who are you talking to?

Carmen: *from the ship* now

Herlina: now.

Herlina comes out of the two ferns and plops the supplies on the dining floor, the pipes and sheets and chassis. Harfi scoops them up and constructs a washing machine out of them in no time flat.

Harfi: lickety split.

Herlina: maybe later. after yoga.

Starscream stares at the washing machine for what seems like hours (hard to tell in space) with hearts in his eyes.

Starscream: OMAS. oh my all spark. you are the most beautiful vision my optical sensors have ever laid on. i want to lay you.

Starscream hugs the washing machine and tries to mount it. he is crying oil from his eyes.

Carmen takes a hard right with the rocket and picks up Harfi and Herlina.

Carmen: see, my babes? we worked together. we were apart but never separated. we communicated the plan and made changes in real time. i distracted, Harfi constructed, and Herlina was smelly when we needed her to be. our telekinesis is weak now but it can only grow stronger. we just need to survive more.

Harfi: and we need a miracle.

the aquamarine gem around Herlina begins to act up and sparkle.

Herlina: right on cue.

the girls look out their window and see that the couple of storms Carmen started made their way across the universe swirling into such a force as to open a wormhole with a strong Category 5 eye at its center.

Carmen: hurry, it'll close soon!

Harfi: you're the one driving!

Herlina: wait, i was doing some research, watching some netflix alone, sorry for hogging all the computer time, and the more of these wormholes which pop up, the more the fabric of space gets ripped apart and chewed up...

Harfi: no time to be an environmentalist! vamanos!

Carmen: she's right. mom knows what she's doing.

the women enter the hole.

MEANWHILE Starscream this whole time has been in a trance. he stares deeply at the knobs of the washing machine. and her pipes. and her tail. uh, the cord. he blows on the circular window door, rubbing it with his elbow to get it all clear and shiny so that he can look through it.


Jules said...

Match.comedy. Where one can meet tricky transformers and robotic deception. Go for the double yolk, I say. Eggstra spesh.

White snow - Hell Dust.
Drink Snake Oil - it’s all the rage now. Helps you speak parseltongue.I've seen it on Fox News and CNN. *)

the late phoenix said...

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them: it's the Harry Potter prequel. mah dahling we must stop J.K. Rowling at the source! *)