Bump: God kill me now
Codrus: well i'm happy to oblige. but don't you want to see how the series finale ends? it's never how it's prophesied in the bible. the bible needs a reboot. send it over to Netflix. i only needed one Horseman. and the horse man is not whom you'd think.
Bump: i am so hazy i can almost forget the whole thing where it's Hilary's mom giving me the ball. dammit why did i just repeat that? you can't win can you? you can't forget the mind is the devil's plaything like that. the memories fade away and the pain remains. why did i only remember the nasty stuff? why can't i be dopey on command? why didn't the drugs make me an airhead? kids, don't do Stones. embrace your life like the show it is, stand fat and tan and bluster your way to the top. if your mind can conceive it you can achieve it granted it's not full of magical thinking. come on buddy, give me a lift.
Bump's horse: i am the man in this relationship *whip* ride on your destiny!
the horse rides Bump's back but it breaks midstream. Bump's back that is. when Bump crashes he crashes hard, enough to redirect Hurricane Matthew Chris's trajectory back to the States after its first path of destruction, his final act of disobedience to nature. the knives from his last knife storm break up into metal particles and irritate the atmosphere enough to alter the hurricane's path.
Codrus: you know you were always a hard worker even when you didn't mean it. you were always reaching for something that wasn't entirely there. i shall miss you when you go. you impressed upon me.
Bump in his final throes enters his child's imaginings. he sees the blonde woman and it is indeed Hilary's mother. he kisses her on the mouth with unabashed love and downward dogs his hefty body with his rump in the air beckoning her to mount him.
horse: y'know that means two things in my culture, either sex or war.
the horse mounts Bump but to Bump it is his mother figure Rose who mounts him. Bump can't move much anymore so he canters over and lays on his big side like a beached whale. his final clicks come not from his hooves but from his mouth forced open by all the hot glue gushing to spill out of it. Mickey Bump's last words are muddled as all last words are:
Bump: i never wanted to go to Venice, the real one. too wet. i thought people would make fun of me in my bathing suit. i wanted to go to the Venice of California where i could sun all day in my trunks.............................whatever i did, whatever destruction i caused, i was simply the next in a long line. the shame falls on the ones who towed the line all along, lengthening it...........................life is one big reality show.......
the fire is creeping into everyone's shorts, forcing even a corpse to move. Bump takes one last stand, with a will he paid for he gets up and slowly saunters over to the property line of the rotunda, tracing with his hot foot the path of states around the country he would have needed to win to clinch the election. his electoral path shines more red than the fire. all that twirling makes him exhausted but he looks over his shoulder to see a sandpiper perched on an outer strand of his hair. the sandpiper makes sure his pop filter is on his microphone and puts it to his beak to speak...but says nothing, only acknowledges Bump with a man nod and flies away. Bump collapses and dies with his mouth wide open and drooling, and the glue comes hard out of it with the force of a broken red hydrant, quickly covering the Earth in goo.
Mickey Bump (???-2016)
MEANWHILE Larry King is still alive. he gathers all the rest of the celebrities into his mansion, waits for the key party to rev up, slips out undetected, boards up his house with strong plywood he breaks his back nailing shut alone, spraypaints LAST OF MY KIND on the boards, takes only his big shiny '30s radio microphone with him, unplugged but somehow still working, strips and runs through the graveyards like a skeleton where he feels most at home, and jumps geronimo-style into the last lake.
Larry King: WINNING!!!
at the key party everyone is naked and drinking river water from the Los Angeles River in champagne glasses and wearing a bird plague mask. even the Trickster is naked but he wears no mask. everyone thinks they're snorting cocaine but they're too far gone to notice it's just sugar.
Larry King: i switched the bowls last night to save money. heehee i'm such a stinker. the keybowl is the same bowl i had my salad on for breakfast this morning.
Lady Gaga: i like your mask, handsome. groovy.
the Trickster: oh this isn't a mask. this is my real fox face.
Lady Gaga: i bet you say that to all the girls.
the Trickster: i say that to everyone actually. now get on your knees and let me give you communion.
at the last beach of Venice, California, everyone on earth is remembering vacations they took there they never took, at that cove by the side of the road everyone recognizes, the one lined with Austin Cambridges with wooden paneling and wooden surfboards on top and wooden bikinis on bottom. including Lysander, who curls his legs against his belly as he binges the first season of Gilmore Girls before it got bad.
Lysander: you know you can't actually go to the bathroom during regular broadcast-tv commercial breaks. it's impossible. not enough time.
Madchen: i'm holding weak. need to suck all your girl power.
Harfi: yes, mom. almost done here.
Carmen: yes, mom, almost done here. i just needed some Kiwi ingenuity to tie the rocket to the booster. the booster being mom's enormous breasts. a little No. 8 wire round the nipples. kinky. and strong.
Herlina: almost done here on my end, mom. just doing some research.
but Herlina wasn't doing any research. she was eating. she eats when she gets nervous. unfortunately she also ate some Stones residue when she ate those wild berries this morning for breakfast. that allowed Herlina to take a bit of meat from the bison she sees herding up and trying to follow their ancient-old migration line to the cove. without hurting the bison the meat comes out of its side and floats to her and instantly jerks up to become ridged bison meat sticks.
Herlina: but it's strange. it tastes gushy in my mouth. it's not natural. it's weirdly soft. like tissue paper that's still in the glue phase. i don't like this. i don't want to hurt you. you are the last innocents. i hear the rumbling of your hooves on the ground and it's majestic. the ground is giving way but you follow a path laid out to you by ancestors you never knew. fat be it from me to disrupt this program. i mean far be it. i don't care. i'm gonna do it this time. i'm gonna become vegan. or vegetarian. i simply must hoover Carmen's eggs.
Herlina gathers her kerosene lamps which she fills with the newfound energy in her fat fingers and joins the others.
Madchen: how are you, doc? i'm afraid...
Lysander: never fear, child.
Madchen: no, for you. it's time. ladies. you feel me?
all the girls are mindfully connected and obey willingly. they all know. they've all seen.
Madchen: i've seen the future. you must trust us. well if nothing trust me, your longest patient. without trust the whole game falls apart. whatever we do know that i do it in your best interest. you can trust me, right? you trust this face.
Lysander: you're so big i can only see your butt. and your batting eyelashes. what's going on?
Madchen: your science is useless now, good doctor. where we're all going, magic is the current.
Lysander: when did you become all Jesusy? hey i know my situation. more than most. i've thought deeply about such things. it's my job. my science was pretty useless when the world wasn't pear-shaped and the apple was in New York. now, what? i don't know what i'm doing anymore! i can't help others if i can't help myself! i can't help myself, i have a problem. we're all gonna die! but mostly i don't want to die!
Madchen: calmate, Lys. i am here. always. and you will be here, too. it's not death, it's the beginning of a new life.
Lysander: no it's not! that's some bullshit i cram down my terminals! this is the end! this is really the end!
Madchen: you will be far more powerful than you could ever imagine. you are sitting still now. you will be everything in the future. i love you.
Carmen shovels the last of the travkami into the rocket which is tied around Madchen's butt.
Madchen: got the gem?
Madchen's long tongue slithers out of her mouth and clasps the aquamarine gem from Herlina's brown hands. Madchen inserts the gem into her vagina.
Harfi: well, bye. nice knowing you.
Lysander: wait! can i get a kiss?
Harfi kisses him.
Harfi: alright. we traveled together. we showered together. Hartwin's dead. i guess it's okay. just so you don't die a virgin.
Lysander: oh i have a wife and kids. in my mind. they live in Egypt. can i get some tongue, too?...sorry, i get nervous when i'm about to die.
the sandpiper flies off screen and lands on Lysander's dull bald head.
Harfi licks Lysander's face.
Codrus: how's my favorite leash holder?
Hilary: you did the deed?
Codrus: i'm more interested in if you did the deed.
the Pope: you do not get to spy into our bedroom, mister.
Codrus: (hands on the back of his head) you forget, i see all. one of the perks of being a perv i mean a god.
Hilary: this is getting confusing even for me. who do i attack? where are the battlegrounds? what does it mean to fight? where are the lines?
Codrus: the world is crazy. designed that way. everyone would lose interest if it wasn't. god knows what i'm gonna do after the election. nothing can top this election. every show that comes after will be boring as the dirt on this ball.
the two or three or so thousand remaining lost souls on this planet vie not for attention but for space to get to the last cove. knocking knees and swimming mountains and climbing oceans. there used to be armies but it's just people now. people. people who fight people. are the luckiest people in the world. cos the world is ending. and this is their only identity. brown on white, black on blue, animal vs. animal. and god knows red has been itchin' forever.
Codrus: you walk the streets nowadays and you can't tell if the Russian army is playing pranks or really beating up old ladies. you're next, Hilary!
there is no much disorder the fires actually quell the action dousing it with the only demarcating lines left on the tarred map of the world. also the stray erupting volcano that pops up here and there on the globe's trying crust gives the people a brief respite to sit down together with some corn and bread and enjoy the natural fireworks.
Hilary's golden coiffe goldens brightly as night turns to eternal night. her drug use shines forth finally.
Codrus: don't be ashamed. you have beautiful hair. everyone needs medicine.
Hilary lifts her finger and the Washington Monument is shaken out of the ground where it stood on the plot of the grassy knoll. it hovers magically in a yellow aura. she and the Pope take turns puffing from the tip of the white spear. the Washington Monument is now one big hooka. the two most powerful women nobody knows meld minds and share the greatest bong slam of all time. the huge mushroom cloud of marijuana smoke created turns into a dragon and does a flyover before perching on Codrus's shoulder.
Codrus: *cough* impressive. good summoning, my pet. wow. that's the first time i've involuntarily coughed in centuries. i can't get high again. i became drug-resistant long ago. my tolerance is what keeps the universe from flying apart.
Joe: you okay, Mr. President?
the President: i don't have my legs under me, Joe.
Joe: well then let me at 'em. i'll give 'em the ol' Joe blow. that's my job. i'll give 'em the uncensored news from a poor small mining town. i'll give 'em the what's what. the what for. i'll defend you to my dying brain. i'll sock it to 'em, plaster their malarkey-spoutin' mouths right up. i'll be the one to
RAISE MY FLAG, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK
the President: no Joe, it will be more powerful if i deliver the last line.
Joe: is this cos i'm white?
the original American flag Joe's holding burns on its stick until it becomes a torch.
at the library past the Hutongs and the Temple of Heaven and the cloud forest:
Gold Star Father: (huffing and puffing) sir, i have traveled a great distance to meet you. they said you could make a life from this strife. i have bothered you at an unusual time. 4:55. i am the last religious on earth.
Cotard gives GSF a bear hug.
Cotard (sitting at the side of a long empty library table): hey what does that make me? liverlips?
GSF: why do you twiddle your thumbs so?
Cotard: look closelier.
Cotard wasn't twiddling his thumbs. he was flicking two pennies with both his thumbs. one penny has a heads side and a heads side, the other a tails side and a tails side.
Cotard: i know the one substance in the universe that can counter the Stones: