Monday, August 22, 2016


Olympic post-game learned:

* current mood: drinking. *thinks about Ryan Lochte. puts down drink*

* Simone Biles: greatest of all time. now that's pressure. that was before the event.

* Usain Bolt doesn't have a sweaty forehead in interviews after races, that's the Rio rain.

* if you lose, it's arrogance. if you win, it's showmanship.

* new next time: skateboarding, surfing, baseball/softball, climbing, and karate. or, California sports. should've been in L.A., also known as Rio of the North. karate was invented in Los Angeles by that blonde dude in the Cobra Kai dojo.

* when all else fails, dive.

* run a marathon? why? that's crazy. why would you do such a thing?

* you can't just be good, you also have to be hot.

* runner: i think i broke my leg.
other runner: i'm a doctor. i just do the Olympics for fun.
other runner performs surgery on runner right there on the track.
the leg is good as new.
the two restart their race.
other runner catches up to the pack and beats everyone else to the finish line.
gets the gold medal in life

* let's make it interesting. have the Games every 40 years. now let's see if anyone defends their title.

* the Japanese officials really made a concerted effort to present their Games pitch in a serious professional way. but then in the meeting Prime Minister Shinzo Abe put on a Mario hat and everyone decided to fuck it and just go with the anime thing.

* the athletes: Captain Tsubasa. the non-athletes: Welcome to the N.H.K.

* we did it, guys. WE PLANTED THAT TREE, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK. this masterpiece was criticized for being "pretentious". cos of the dinosaurs and flying mom and stuff. if you're not going to be pretentious with film, what is the point of art? be pretentious. be as pretentious as you fucking can. you can't be pretentious like this in life. believe me i've tried.

* didn't need all that Rio rain. could've just put out the Flame with a watering can.


1. do you want a divorce or to leave your present romantic relationship? i want a divorce. from reality.
2. do you think your relationship needs couples therapy? yes. but the original British show. that NBC version was a hackjob.
3. if your relationship needs fine-tuning, what would you do to tweak it? tweezers. but not on your eyebrows. in that other place. trust me. you'll be feeling better about things in no time.
4. is your relationship over or are you just in a bad phase? how long has the bad phase lasted? when does a bad phase become a bad lifetime?
5. what kind of relationship do you envision will make you happy? all i know is i'm done with robots.
6. are you seeing someone new? yes. me. i'm a whole new me after i burned my feet at the retreat.

bonus: what major regret do you have so far in your life? is it too late to change it? my password. i forgot it. i forgot all of them. can i change it? yes, but to enter the change-it screen you have to enter another password i forgot.



Jules said...

Yes, yes, yes! BE PRETENTIOUS! Isn't that showmanship?

I divorced reality forever ago. Best thing I ever did. Always change your password to the thing you're drinking then you'll never gorget, my sweet *)

the late phoenix said...

you're a lifesaver as always, mah dahlin! strawberry milk across the board it is! *)