when i was a lad, i wanted to fuck Carmen Sandiego. imagine that. sure, the game and the game show helped me solve mysteries better, helped me become a more astute world-traveler, but most of all, it was about her, it was all about Carmen, she helped me become a virile man.
1. did you ever find someone else's stash of sex toys, lube, etc? yes, my mom's, and that is why i blog...
2. did you ever search someone else's computer to determine their porn habits? were you ever the subject of such a search? i consider that the ultimate invasion of privacy, i mean you might as well just kill the guy while you're at it, the embarrassment will last a lifetime. besides, i'd rather not know that my best friend likes to look at pictures of naked lawn gnomes on the internet. that's why he kept insisting that i get him lawn gnomes for Christmas, i just thought he liked that travel commercial. as for me, i have no friends, so i don't have to worry about being searched. the gnome guy and i broke up.
3. did you ever investigate to see if two people were getting it on? just as long as it's not Mom and that burly dude from the garage, i'm cool as ice...
4. did you ever look for naughty pictures on someone else's phone? yes, i was being a horndog, quickly checked this babe's phone to see if there was any skin, i'd even take bikini selfies, i mean, whatever, but i found a picture of me in her inbox, a picture of me naked...wait, when was this picture of me taken? i don't remember this! Liz, what's up with this? where is this, i don't recognize the rocks or the crashing waves...Liz?
Liz zooms into the sky in her spaceship.
i have a permanent probe-hole on each of my two butt cheeks.
5. were you ever involved in an investigation, formal or informal, over whether someone was cheating in your relationship? i don't like to show my face, but if you watch "Cheaters" Episode #1256, season 4, it's about me and my lover Liz. we hit it off at first, i didn't mind her green skin, but things got rocky when i experienced a space of two weeks of missing time. Liz was cold and aloof after that period...
bonus: do you have a secret online identity so you can find a secret lover? uh, hello, of course, that's the entire reason for this blog, which has about a month left. thus, i've failed in said quest for love. y'know, she doesn't have to be a secret lover. one glorious day, the two of us will race out into the open sun and declare ourselves non-anonymous, real flesh people.
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