Monday, April 22, 2013
TMIT: COLLEGE PORNADO
hello. my college days were a mixed bag: on the one hand, i fully discovered and embraced anime to the fullest there and joined an anime club to further become free and unashamed. on the other, not as much sex as i would have hoped, i seemed to come at a three/four-year period where folks actually really just cared about...studying...more than the hash-brownie threesomes. fuck my life.
third pic from the top: i'm gonna just assume this is something cool to do with Nine Inch Nails and move on.
fourth pic: i'm just gonna assume this really is Marilyn Monroe and file it in the ol' spank bank.
8th pic: now this is what's uniquely ironic about me: the first thing i thought of was not the massive porn stash or that these are priceless collectibles or the demeanor of the owner of this stash, my eyes beamed through right to the ghost and i thought Pac-Man...Pac-Man.
11th: i'm a film geek, so it's a triangle of used film of my student film about the viability of existentialism in this modern computer age...it's still a patch i'd like to lick...
1. have you ever been sexiled? y'know, you have to leave your dorm room 'cause your roommate is fucking the fuck out of some geometry honey? "sexiled", very urbandictionary, i already like. true story: the geometry honeys were thick when i was at Cal, i tried to get in a threesome with my roommate and one of them, going the math angle, explaining how three is better than two, it's symmetrical and triangular, but to no avail. i became an English major that day. not too many grammar hotties...well, there is one that i know now, wink wink.
2. were you ever propositioned by someone in your circle of friends who knew you were dating someone else? point of clarity: what is this circle of friends of which you speak? friends? what are those, never had one, especially in college where you're supposed to make your permanent ones. i do know about a drum circle, was in one of those against my will after the cult-brainwashing worked on my feeble mind and only my mind. i know about the circle of life, the circle of karma, which has so far only granted me the bad stuff, still waiting for the good karmic stuff to happen to me, and i know of the "Circle of Life" song, but i don't want to be a furry anymore...that's just bad karma...
3. did you date someone in college only for sex, only for the one-night-stand booty call? i wish i would have had the balls to actually present myself as a university pimp like that. that kind of stuff works better in the small fishbowl of high school, the dude who walks down the confined halls after busting down the main school doors with his boot, shades on, with his backwards baseball cap and baggy jeans down to his ankles, talking back to the nerdy, bald, virgin chemistry teacher and making the hot-babe drama teacher swoon with his every gesture. hmmmm, actually that is more a sitcom high-school trope than an IRL high-school trope. if you did that in real life, the chemistry teacher would kick your ass.
4. ever involved in a regrettable sex incident where drugs and alcohol were involved? i confess, *hand up*, the first time i tried pot was in college, true style, with a full-fledged bong that used ice and the *whirlllllllll* sound when you consumed it, yeah, the real deal. i guess i was stoned, maybe i didn't do enough of it, but i just felt really relaxed, but not overly so. some girls wanted to have sex with me...but i fell asleep from the good shit and the munchies...and i dreamed that some hot girls were stoned and wanted to have sex with me...then i woke up, it was all a dream...then i woke up from that, it was all a dream...Inception...hey, that's another circle i know about, a drug circle. happy 420, everyone!
5. did you ever see a porn movie in an actual theater? did you ever watch porn on 8mm before the age of videotape? no, i was born about one generation too late for that, though i did see on videotape a history of those porn times, the burgeoning porn industry, New York City in the '70s, Fritz The Cat, Deep Throat, that Harry guy who was the king of porn for awhile, and instantly fell in love. for some reason, i'm deeply fascinated with porn in general, the history of it, not just as jacking-off material, but as an art form, as a predictor of trends and salve for emotional problems in society. i think it's 'cause i love video in general, just video itself, especially vintage stuff, obscure, out-of-date stuff, so Swedish erotica and long-since-defunct naughty magazines that only five people in the world have are right up my alley. it's the '80s-nostalgia arrow lodged in me, i am a child of VHS. porn theaters, yeah, never did a Pee Wee Herman, i would be too embarrassed to share that kind of experience out in the open with my fellow strangers in trench coats, my brothers, my brethren...
6. did you ever discuss the sexual prowess of a lover with a friend who in turn also had relations either before or after with that same person? this is in danger of becoming a sitcom again. sitcom rules: be sure the person being talked about is in the next room eavesdropping through the wall with a glass to her ear. make sure you slam the babe's lovemaking abilities to your dude friend, high-fiving each other because all men are smug like that when around other men, it's an alpha-wolfpack sort of thing. make sure the camera close-ups on the woman's scorned face, it's like the Lucy Ricardo cry-face but angrier. the next episode, the woman plots her revenge by using a megaphone as she loudly compares both dudes' cocks to little unblown string balloons in front of all the patrons at the citywide garden event. the men hang their heads in shame, blood-red in their cheeks, promising to be better citizens, and they apologize to the woman, and if this is on HBO, threesome. if it's PBS, the three shake hands in a circle, a handshake circle.
now films encourage love triangles, too, but that's more complicated, they have to last 2 hours...
bonus: did you become more hetero-flexible or even bisexual after a same-sex encounter while experimenting in college? fuck my life, had to get that out of the way. y'know why? it's the damndest thing: during college, i got tons and tons of numbers and interest from gay men, but never any hot babes...or actually any girls at all. i always kept telling myself that if i were gay, i'd really be living the hedonistic, decadent, lust-filled college experience that you hear in stories as a pimply high-schooler. unfortunately, i determined early on that i just wasn't gay, not even a little bisexual, so nothing ever happened. although, some of these people who wanted to fuck me did end up becoming my temporary friends, they were cool guys. you know what they say: if you can't fuck, friend.
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