Monday, April 8, 2013

TMIT: SPANKCAKE















fantastic first pic there, huh? i want to see the other stuff, but i swear all i keep seeing is the bear/wildcat.
1. if you had a magic beauty wand, what would you give yourself? shinier hair, glowing skin, brighter eyes with no crows feet, or nada: let's tackle 'em one by one: my hair is forever curly and scraggly, i am forced to shave it every month, i had that trial period keeping it long when i was in my rock star phase, but i was starting to need my lube for my hair instead of the fun stuff, so i passed.

i don't want human glowing skin, i want the glowing ethereal skin of an alien, i don't want the neon green of a raver but the otherworldly glow of a space traveler...with a blue box...and a babe companion.

if my Eyes were any Brighter i'd be a semi-successful indie band...

nada: yes, like Nada Surf.

by the way, if i had a magic wand, i'd ask for more magic wands...that's the trick, that's how you get over on that smug fairy godmother, right?

2. if you were spring cleaning your life, what five things would you throw out? my computer, my spring-break thong, my fleshlight, my Good Book, and my life...all proved useless...save the fleshlight.

3. if money were no object, what kind of house would you buy? standard answer from me since 2006: a huge McMansion to invite all of my blog friends over for a neverending orgy. *singing*: The Neverending Orgy, na na na na na na na na na, the Neverending Oooooooorgggggggggyyyyyyyy, na na na na na na na na na. and if you want to invite that huge flying long-bodied dragon snake thing with the dog face who helps Bastian, that's on you, all kinks welcome.

4. have you ever visited an erotic massage parlor and had a happy ending? in my stories, yes. in real life, it was a sad ending. we dated, fell in love, sexed ourselves with the finest oils this side of the Atlantic, but she left me for another man, or another something, all i saw was the two of them scurrying off under cover of night. he had a very long body and could fly...

bonus: using the butt chart above, what is your butt type? i sport the classical Spongebob ass...hold up, that's just my wallet chock to the brim with a bulk of gym-membership cards...cards talking 'bout how to slim your Blocks Butt.

folks, i want to talk about my dreams, hopes, fears, and wishes for this life, i want to share with you readers what makes me barely tick. i've had this dream since i was a little kid: a troll visits me at a McDonald's and asks me how i'm carrying on. i should be happy, a boy with an unlimited supply of Big Macs, but there is a sadness to me, i already know that this brand of happiness will lead to a grease death. smother grease fires, never water them. i shun the troll, i kick him in the balls, and for the first time in my young life i've made an actual decision, i'm gonna go out the sugar way: chocolate fountains and candy-cane mountains. as i matured, this dream matured. the troll became an internet troll and later Ricky Gervais, the McDonald's morphed into Chipotle and then Walmart Chipotle, but the chocolate fountain and candy-cane mountain remained. later, when i went to a wedding and saw an actual chocolate fountain, my brain couldn't handle that a dream thing was in the real world so i went fucking nuts and was committed. i type before you right now from the sanitarium. i'm laughing right now with that distinctive Ricky Gervais laugh...

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8 comments:

Catherine Martinique said...

LMAO at your answer to #3. Thanks now I have that song in my head. I think I actually have that on a 80's CD somewhere. ugh.

the late phoenix said...

Catherine: my childhood was during the '80s, that's why i still retain despite all odds my belief in magic...

Juliette said...

1 - I 'd definitely ask for another magic wand! I wouldn't change anything else 'cos I'm purrrr-fect ;)

2- What colour are your eyes?

2- I'd throw away my fears.

3- A gothic church or a castle and a bungalow on stilts in Bora bora and other insanely mad houses all over the world so I could be a citizen of the globe.

4- Visited? I worked in one for a while but it got mighty sticky and put me off my fishfinger sandwiches.

Butt type - The one saying spank me I'm a bad girl. DUH!

Stay away from chocolate fountains - I've seen people put all sorts of things in them. ;)

the late phoenix said...

Juli: i love you...my eyes are brown...fishfinger sandwich, oh you mean the food, not the, okay...i left my childhood dreams in a chocolate fountain, along with a rusty dime...

Ella said...

You are awesomely crazy, Dear Phoenix. I'd like to hear the audio of that never-ending orgy song, please.

the late phoenix said...

Ella: time to take my youtube channel to the next level...

Hedone said...

Bear/wildcat? I did not see that. I saw a woman sitting in the ocean surf. Oh yeah, I guess I can kinda, sorta see a wildcat...maybe.

Oh why didn't I think of that, more magic wands. The beauty fairy may not be pleased.

Priceless bonus answer, made for a great visual.

-H

P.S. Your dream? Man you are doing some crazy, crazy drugs.

the late phoenix said...

H: yeah, the woman's knees and arms form the teeth of the bear wildcat/ wildcat bear. I know it's ultimately supposed to be a vagina...