Monday, April 16, 2012


make all your crimes creative:

1. have you ever picked a lock to gain unauthorized access? i use the key of Love to gain authorized access to my woman's heart...and, uh, her body, when she wants it. authorized, clean, legal, and safe, that's what Love is all about.

2. what did you find when you cracked a rotary-combination safe? my only exposure to rotary-combination locks was when i was in high school. i was a nerd who always got pantsed by Tyler the Quarterback. i thought to myself, "well, if i'm a nerd, i can at least use my smarts to remember my combination...but i never did, Tyler always made me so nervous, i never remembered the fucking combination. fucking Tyler, stop calling me, Tyler, i told you, it's over, i don't want to see you anymore, what we had was special but it's in the past."

3. did you ever find something illicit by making a copy of a key you weren't supposed to have? i knew a guy, a guy who did keys, he helped me gain access to something that is more mysterious than a lady's inner thought thought process, i forgot to feed my cat again yesterday, too many things i have to type all the time, he let me into my apartment, thanks, come here, Kitty *smooches kitty* i'm sorry, baby, i'll feed you, chicken or tuna moist?

4. have you ever stolen a password? explain. i was so mad at her i tried to hack into her emails to see if she was cheating on me...would be what i would type if i were writing the first episode...Pilot Season in Hollywood's coming up soon, folks, wish me luck.

5. are you skilled enough to gain computer data from a site requiring a password you don't know? sure, you simply type HAL and a red light comes on, HAL starts talking to you, HAL's sorry he's caused so many problems in the past, but HAL is willing to make a change in the future and see that the Mission gets completed...

6. do you hear anything interesting when you tap a phone call? other than my parents fucking and moaning loudly, no. *tap me*

7. webcam or nanny cam? results? my only use for a nanny cam would be to get myself a hot nanny...oh, that's not what it's used for? webcams i know the sex potential of, check out the post immediately below this post.

8. infrared camera to photograph someone secretly in the dark? of course, that's sexy as hell, you know how much i adore shadowplay in sex pics, it adds that layer of mystery, of darkness, and without darkness, i am not.

9. learned anything important through deliberate eavesdropping? i learned all of my fallacies, shortcomings, and weaknesses. i don't eavesdrop anymore, deliberate or otherwise. Catwoman, why are you so mean to me?

10. do you know how to hot-wire a car? i don't drive, i blog. i hot-wire my computer out of frustration.

bonus: have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? what skills did you perform? i want to eat today...well, i don't want to, my stomach says i have to, and so my typical outing begins: one appointment in the morning, egg mcmuffin, two at midday, big mac, evening stalkers, mcrib, capper: late-night orgy, fourth meal at taco bell...sleep, blog, die...




Anonymous said...

I've figured out the password for every single email address or Facebook I've ever tried to break into. Nothing useful was ever discovered though I did see my husband's ex-girlfriend wrote that she wanted to make love in an orchard. She didn't specify she wanted to do it with him though so I let it go. Plus she wrote make love. How fucking threatening is that?

Picked a lock once to get into a locked shed. I found a rat on her nest and a cute little frog. Maybe that's not the direction you're going. LOL

I also have a um, friend or whatever who is constantly pulling money out of his wallet to try to entice me to perform acts on him whether or not I've ever agreed, I'm not telling

Vincent Vega said...

I agree, infrared cameras are sexy. Your parents fucking and moaning loudly, not so much.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for that awesome posting. Useful, and it saved MUCH time! :-)

Ashly Star said...

Your answer for 10 made me chuckle.

That's one of the things about eavesdropping; really hard to call someone on something then have to admit that you found out by listening in on them without their knowledge. I've never been a nosy or snoopy person, though.

Always enjoy your answers. Happy Tuesday!

Jack and Jill said...

We thought about including a HAL reference in our own post but in the end decided to go easy on the pop culture references and instead used our own fucked up senses of humor to answer these questions.

Nyaeve said...

Ufff where to start.
In fact this whole question exposes a whole side of me that ought really to remain hidden. It is my "illegal" side, a part of me that even I feel bad thinking about.

Yes I have picked a lot. Not a really hard one just the bolt on a friends door so I could go through her room and find all the sexy letters her boyfriend sent her (I liked him a lot you see) oh and I tried on some of her underwear too (I liked her also).

A safe? Well my cousin used to have a toy one which I regularly opened to steal his pocket money.

Copy a key? Yes, I stole, copied and then replaced a pass key at my school. This got me into almost all the rooms of the school and meant I could hide out when I wanted to (it also enabled me to have sex in a couple of classrooms)

Stolen a password, yes quite a lot actually. My boyfriend's passwords I have often stolen so I could check up on their mail and facebook accounts. I have also impersonated people on webpages and sites just to ruin their reputations!

Listening to phone calls? Yes, I have listenend on an extension line to lots of calls made by other people, some of the things I have hears were really useful and some really hot!

Cams, no not really. I did participate in the construction of a radio mike and broadcast thingy at university that we used to broadcast the sex sessions of a couple in our block all over the campus. If you know a little electronics it is really not hard.

Eavesdropping, phew, loads of times.

Hot wire a car? No, out of my league!

Paid for sex? No, not in cold hard cash. I have received numerous presents though and sometimes, well it was perhaps almost the same. You know, a guy who likes me a lot but has failed to impress me got laid a few more times because he promised me something. Very shallow I know. Still you did ask.


the late phoenix said...

trixie: i'm very intrigued by that last part there, *stroking my evil goatee*, HAL and i are very intrigued...

vince: you should have heard my parents when they were still young and in their springtime of prime youth

anon: let's move in together.

ashly babes: eavesdropping is just a losing proposition all around, unless you're House MD or the Black Spy from Spy vs. Spy or something

jj: all humor is ultimately one big fuck-up

nyaeve: i am in fact in love with you, thanks for the detailed response

Dru said...

I always enjoy your answers as they have a different take on the questions and are humourous. I read on Jack and Jill's blog that you were in need of your next Jack Bauer fix. Me too! Life just isn't the same without 24. I'm somewhat enjoying Touch but he's just not as good as he was in 24.

Anonymous said...

I usually just kick computers that frustrate me.

ALuv said...

I don't know why it was so hard for me to hear my mom getting it on! peewww

Loved all of your answers!
Specially #7

Have an awesome day

Anonymous said...

5. buwhahahaha!
(Yeah, I'm a geek...okay pseudo geek)

9. *giggle* Awwww....


the late phoenix said...

dru: yeah, i saw the promo for Touch and it looked cool and mystical, so i thought i was gonna give it a try and watch, but when the time came...i...just...didn't

sex: that would have saved me much dollar bills

aluv: hot nannies on tv, eureka!, i have my pilot

H: Catwoman, she's mean, but i can't quit her