Monday, April 16, 2012
TMIT: ILLICIT SKILLS
make all your crimes creative:
1. have you ever picked a lock to gain unauthorized access? i use the key of Love to gain authorized access to my woman's heart...and, uh, her body, when she wants it. authorized, clean, legal, and safe, that's what Love is all about.
2. what did you find when you cracked a rotary-combination safe? my only exposure to rotary-combination locks was when i was in high school. i was a nerd who always got pantsed by Tyler the Quarterback. i thought to myself, "well, if i'm a nerd, i can at least use my smarts to remember my combination...but i never did, Tyler always made me so nervous, i never remembered the fucking combination. fucking Tyler, stop calling me, Tyler, i told you, it's over, i don't want to see you anymore, what we had was special but it's in the past."
3. did you ever find something illicit by making a copy of a key you weren't supposed to have? i knew a guy, a guy who did keys, he helped me gain access to something that is more mysterious than a lady's inner thought process...my thought process, i forgot to feed my cat again yesterday, too many things i have to type all the time, he let me into my apartment, thanks, come here, Kitty *smooches kitty* i'm sorry, baby, i'll feed you, chicken or tuna moist?
4. have you ever stolen a password? explain. i was so mad at her i tried to hack into her emails to see if she was cheating on me...would be what i would type if i were writing the first episode...Pilot Season in Hollywood's coming up soon, folks, wish me luck.
5. are you skilled enough to gain computer data from a site requiring a password you don't know? sure, you simply type HAL and a red light comes on, HAL starts talking to you, HAL's sorry he's caused so many problems in the past, but HAL is willing to make a change in the future and see that the Mission gets completed...
6. do you hear anything interesting when you tap a phone call? other than my parents fucking and moaning loudly, no. *tap me*
7. webcam or nanny cam? results? my only use for a nanny cam would be to get myself a hot nanny...oh, that's not what it's used for? webcams i know the sex potential of, check out the post immediately below this post.
8. infrared camera to photograph someone secretly in the dark? of course, that's sexy as hell, you know how much i adore shadowplay in sex pics, it adds that layer of mystery, of darkness, and without darkness, i am not.
9. learned anything important through deliberate eavesdropping? i learned all of my fallacies, shortcomings, and weaknesses. i don't eavesdrop anymore, deliberate or otherwise. Catwoman, why are you so mean to me?
10. do you know how to hot-wire a car? i don't drive, i blog. i hot-wire my computer out of frustration.
bonus: have you ever been paid for your sexual skills? what skills did you perform? i want to eat today...well, i don't want to, my stomach says i have to, and so my typical outing begins: one appointment in the morning, egg mcmuffin, two at midday, big mac, evening stalkers, mcrib, capper: late-night orgy, fourth meal at taco bell...sleep, blog, die...
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