Saturday, April 28, 2012



we grew up together on the mean streets of a battered zoo, wasn't easy, our caregivers were pieces of shit who were just in it for the money and the furry sex, didn't give two fucks about caring for the cub or the human cub, so we bonded like brothers, fought off our attackers, gave in to our needs a couple of times with a few pecks on the lips, but, y'know, we were cool about it, we recognized the circumstances, those were kinda like prison kisses, didn't mean anything. finally we escaped our dooming surroundings and made it on the outside, me as a local unknown disc jockey in town and Leo as a toy which you plug into a music device or anything video/audio and dance for your masters. it was humiliating for Leo, and i knew the kid was already a surging ball of hate and despair from our childhoods, it was only a matter of time before he popped and the world caught his rampage. i distinctly remember that email he sent me, Leo was hurting bad from all of the painful modifications he had to go through to metal himself up and become this device for kids to play with, it was hours of surgery to fit himself with all the necessary wires and parts, he was Robo-Leo, a stranger, more than the reliable friend i knew back when. he was in a mood in the email, pissing and moaning as usual, but this time, it was more, he said he wanted to hurt me somehow.

"hey, man," my retort, "come on, man, you don't mean that. i'm all you've got."

"i'm sorry, bro," Leo typed back shortly, "i'm telling you sorry now, i ask for your forgiveness in advance, but i feel that i can't control it anymore, they all have to pay for what has happened in my failed life, all the shit i've endured just for money, i feel that even you will get in my way and i'll have to squash..."

"hey!" i interrupted, "enough of this dread talk, man, you are depressing, come on, finish your Taco Bell Locos Taco and get some rest. final procedure tomorrow, hang it there, once the music device company goes public, you'll be raking in the dough, it'll be worth all the surgeries."

"yeah, i guess you're right," Leo finally responded after a long five-minute pause, "i dunno, yeah, whatever...late...oh, and thanks for teaching me how to talk."

the next day it happened, Armageddon, the End of the World, and Leo was at the forefront. before he did it, he made it a point to sleep with my wife. she told me that she had never cummed harder than when Leo fucked her in the ass, not exactly the email you want to wake up to, even the sausage and egg mcmuffin i was munching on didn't help.

Leo's Leo-pocalypse email:

Phoenix, this is it, the manifesto or whatever, yeah i know, it's cliche as shit, but here goes: i couldn't be a toy to the humans anymore, just couldn't do it, my dignity finally compelled me to act, it's one thing when the dad is using me to check on his daughter's bedtime story, that's cute, and i'll admit, being the center of attention at a party with all the babes hanging on me was fulfilling...but the rap, the rap music, no, no, i couldn't, i couldn't be the mouthpiece for Jay Z, Jay Z fucking sucks, i'm here to tell you that Jay Z is shit...and when teenage girls use me to gossip about who's wearing what and if these tight jeans make my ass look big, i want to holler and tell them, YES THEY LOOK BIG, YOU BITCH!!! but instead i hold it all in, hold it all in too much, and you're left with a day like today.

before the execution, Leo chatted with me one last time. it was funny, the whole wife thing was the furthest thing from my mind, it was just two old friends talking again as normal, as usual:

Leo: hey man, you know what to do after it's over, right?

me: i know, i know, i'm to connect a wire from your dead body in the casket to a speaker in the funeral hall just to see if any transmissions from the afterlife come through and into your mechanical mouth.

Leo: yeah, just in case. i don't believe any of that stuff, do you?

me: well...

Leo: i mean, it's all over, an eternal black when you die, right? you close your metal eyes and that's it, it's like you never lived.

me: well, yeah, that's probably true, i guess...

Leo: god, god, I am your god, Phoenix...

me: what?

Leo: oh nothing, never mind...ready? wait, there's just one more thing

me: what...

...and before i could do anything, Leo plugged the wire into my belly button, apparently my belly button had been an electrical outlet all this time without my knowledge. see, i never bathe, so i never had a reason to ever check out my belly button, they must have put that into me there at birth or something, i'm not a vain person, so i never once looked in a mirror. now Leo and i could stay connected, through our bad lives and a bad death, connected forever.


1 comment:

Jack and Jill said...

When the lion started talking in the Dad's voice, I nearly shit myself. If I had a stuffed animal that spoke in my Dad's voice - whether it was when I was a kid, or right now - I would hit it repeatedly in the head with a hammer. I love my Dad, but his voice just should not be coming out of a stuffed toy.